Pairing: Chris Larabee/Vin Tanner
Rating: PG
Warnings/spoilers: None

*****

Is it all right if I touch you now, or was that all I'll be getting tonight? Leave the room, go back to the wagon, make sure you ain't seen by anyone. I'm waiting. Come on, say it. Let's get this over and done with. It kind of hurts, you know.

"Vin..."

I'm this close to smiling, then I realise there ain't much to smile about. Ain't that a shame. "Yeah?" My voice is giving me away, I can tell. I always sound just a little bit softer whenever I talk to you, despite my best efforts not to. "You want me gone?" I say, helping you out.

"You can stay a while, if you want."

You turn your head to look at me. Amazing how expressive eyes like yours sometimes say nothing at all. Do you want me to stay, or are you just offering to be nice? I'll stay. Whether you want me to or not. If for no other reason than to piss you off with my presence. Make you feel something other than grief about that lost family of yours. Maybe one day I should tell you about my lost family. Families. We could share memories. I'll be your savior, you'll be mine, what do you say? I close my eyes, trying to shut out the shame I suddenly feel for thinking a thing like that. But it could happen, and I ain't sure I'd mind if it did.

"Just don't fall asleep."

"Don't worry, Chris."

"You closed your eyes..."

I know. I shouldn't have. Made you nervous, didn't I? I really should fall asleep some time, and let you carry me down to the wagon. Just to piss you off. More than anything, that's what I wanna do sometimes. I never wanna make people feel anything at all, but with you I do, and I know what it means. About time you showed me that you wanna know what it means. About time you let me know why you let me come here time after time. "You know what, Chris. I think I might just do that."

"Do what?"

"Stay. A while," I add. I wouldn't wanna spook you now that everything is going so well. Or better. Or sort of good. Piss you off, but not spook you. There's a difference.

"All right," you say, and I'm sure that's the shadow of a smile I see on your face. Just a shadow, though. Never more than that, not with me. I might get ideas, or what? I might think you like being with me as much as... Never mind. But I feel I should respond to it, so I smile too. It feels good this. You. Me. Smiles. It feels like more than this could happen tonight, although I ain't sure what.

I'd still like to touch you, and I do. My hand touches your arm, caresses it slowly. Considering what we just did, what you just did to me, this touch shouldn't bother you. And it seems it doesn't. Shit, Chris. One whiskey too many tonight? I quickly let my lips brush yours, then I sit up. Before you have time to react... Unexpectedly, your arm reaches out for me, and I feel it gently stroking my back. I wish you'd do that more often.

A minute or so passes, then you sit up too. You put your arms around me, and I feel your lips on my shoulder. "You didn't say anything tonight," you say, and I know what you're getting at, but the next move is yours, not mine, so I stay silent. "You know I feel something for you," you say softly, hesitantly, your breath warm on my cheek.

"I guess," I say, although I suppose I should say something else. Like no, not quite, which would be closer to the truth. But why spoil a moment like this with little things like that? It ain't important. I think I'll keep telling myself that, because sometimes it actually works.

"You do..."

Define 'something', goddammit. "I guess," I say, wondering if you'd hold a working girl like this. If anyone would. Do you still see them? I think you don't, but I wish I was certain.

"You do have a way with words," you say, letting out a raspy sound that resembles laughter.

I shrug, silently saying what I already said. I'd like to tell you that my lack of words tonight ain't the biggest problem here, but I don't. It would sound too demanding. Would scare you.

You're still behind me, your arms still around me. You're holding me really close, as if you're trying to convince me of something. Trying to convince me that this is something you really want. Wouldn't that be nice. Maybe it is something you really want, but you're gonna have to fucking say it one day. One way or another, one day, you're gonna tell me. I'll be waiting. Probably right where I've been waiting all this time. Not far from you. Damn it...

"You do know, Vin..."

Stop saying that. No, I don't know. I really don't. I think. I don't know. I seem to know shit right now. But it's nice to have you near me like this. Nice to have you for myself, if only for just a while. "If you say so," I say, mostly to keep you from asking me again. I'd rather not begin feeling contemptuous. Not tonight. Not as long as I still can't figure out who that emotion is directed at, me or you.

It really is nice to be held like this. I wish I could let myself get used to it, but I still ain't sure if I should. It's getting really late though, and you ain't told me to leave yet. Maybe something more did happen tonight. I don't know.

*****

End