Pairing: Chris Larabee/Vin Tanner
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: None
Spoilers: Well, I still haven't seen season 2 (I know...), so I'm not sure about the names of the eps, but there are a couple of very small spoilers for the ones where Ella and Charlotte are involved.
Author's notes: After almost two months of not writing anything, I felt I had to get going again, and that's how this short story (it was really only supposed to be a snippet) came about.

*****

Sometimes, it felt as if his heart would stop beating, for lack of reason to go on. It wasn't the first time he'd felt that way, but he still wouldn't do anything to change what needed to be changed. He was too scared to, and he needed that fear to keep going. He was miserable, and getting used to it. Not that it hadn't been like that before, but this was... different. This was misery, so painful he'd never experienced anything like it. But his heart did have a reason to go on beating, and it was sitting close enough that he could touch it if he reached out his hand.

Annoying, beautiful reason.

"You look a bit tired, Tanner."

Without thinking about it, Vin took the opportunity to look up at Chris. The man might as well have stabbed him in his chest with a knife because that was pretty much what it felt like each time Chris spoke to him. Chris's voice, the way it would soften when he spoke to him, was almost enough to make him want to get up and hit him hard, tell him that unless that voice meant something, he might as well shut the fuck up. He had never hit him so far though, and never told him to shut up. The reason for that was respect. He respected Chris too much to do anything like that, and that was one of the more confusing things in this little mess he'd put himself in; how could you have so much respect for someone who hurt you so badly? He was pretty sure that Chris didn't do it on purpose, but that didn't lessen the pain, and he sometimes wished for it all to just go away; the hurt, the respect, everything. "Ain't tired," Vin said.

Chris chuckled. "I'm winning here, and it's not because you can't play. I know you can do better than this."

Vin shrugged. "So?"

Chris put his cards down on the table. "So maybe we should stop for tonight? You don't seem to be in the mood." In fact, Vin hadn't seemed to be in the mood for much at all lately, but Chris refrained from pointing that out to him. He had a hunch what was going on. He knew Vin well enough to see that he had reached a limit, and he intended to find out if that limit was the same that he was close to reaching himself. If so, they were in trouble, and Chris had every intention of handling it. He'd been waiting for this, had anticipated it.

"I'll leave if you want me to," Vin said, further away from a smile than he'd ever been before. Now Chris didn't even want to play poker with him any longer. Did he suspect something?

"Maybe you'd better," Chris said. "Go take a nap, I think you need it."

Again, Vin felt like telling Chris to shut up, but again, he didn't. Instead he got up from his chair silently, and walked out of the saloon, not bothering to say goodbye. After only having walked a minute or so on the street, Vin felt Chris's presence again. "You gonna walk me home or something?"

"I can be a gentleman if needed."

"Ain't needed here," Vin said angrily.

Chris laughed. "You know, Vin, your behavior lately has been getting more and more odd. I've been wondering why."

"Keep wondering," Vin muttered.

Ignoring him, Chris continued. "I've been keeping an eye on you."

"Really?" Vin said, trying to sound bored.

"Yeah. I've been watching you, Vin," Chris said.

Vin stopped. "What do you mean you've been watching me? I can take care of myself."

"I know you can. That's one of the things I love about you."

Vin's heart jumped. Once, then once again. He felt uncomfortable. This feeling of not knowing was tearing him apart, and Chris saying a thing like that didn't make it better. It had been too ambiguous. Too easy to misunderstand. "So why have you been watching me?" he said after a while, when he felt his voice should be strong enough to accomplish uttering those few words.

"Because I like watching you, mainly," Chris said, smiling when he saw the surprised look on Vin's face. Before Vin could say anything, he added, "And because I've wanted to make sure no one else was watching you. And that you weren't watching anyone else but me."

"I haven't been-"

"Don't say it, Vin. Don't deny it."

"Chris, I'm not-"

"Vin," Chris interrupted, a bit too harshly. He was not about to let Vin talk himself out of this. "Don't forget you're talking to a man who's been in love before. I know the signs. I know how it feels."

"Well, I ain't ever been in love, so-"

"'til now."

"What?"

Chris took a step closer to Vin. "I told you not to deny it. You've never been in love 'til now. I know how you feel, Vin."

"You don't know anything," Vin said. What he'd been dreaming about for so long seemed to become reality, and just like Chris said, he tried to deny it. It was the fear, and he knew he had to try to let go of it. Either that, or he'd be the one standing in the way of his own feelings. But there was just something about Chris tonight, something about the way he acted that was confusing Vin. "What if it is like that," he said, "how come you're taking it so lightly?"

Chris looked up at the sky, smiling. "Lightly" wasn't the word he would've used to describe his own reaction to finally being certain of the truth, but he could see why Vin would right now. "I'm just in a good mood today," he said.

"Why?" Vin asked, his voice tinged with suspicion. Chris was rarely in a good mood - not this good, anyway - and although it made him happy to see his friend at ease with the world for a change, he did wonder about the reason. It couldn't all be because of him, could it? If loving Chris was making him miserable, why wasn't it the same for Chris?

"I've found something I never thought I'd be looking for again," he said, wondering when Vin would give up pretending.

"What's that?"

"Love," Chris said, trying hard to sound serious. This was too important to mess up, and he didn't want Vin to think it was a joke. But his own feelings and the whiskey he'd had were making it hard for him to act the way he knew he should. "I've found you," he added, "and I won't let you get away from me."

"You don't actually have me, Chris," Vin said, still - and hating himself for it - trying to hold on to denial. He so wanted this, but once he let go there would be no turning back. No turning back to misery. He took a deep breath, thinking about how things could be. The picture was appealing. And Chris was in it. "We've known each other for years, Chris," he said. "Why now?"

Chris studied Vin carefully for a moment, then said, "I wasn't sure if you were ready before."

"I haven't said that I'm-"

"Vin," Chris interrupted him. "I won't take no for an answer."

Vin considered pointing out to him that he hadn't actually asked him anything, but didn't. "You're really sure that I'm in love with you, ain't you?" It was supposed to come out sounding angry and accusing, but against his will he suddenly felt shy.

"I know you are, but if you're still not ready, I'll back off," Chris said.

"You'll back off, and watch me go off with someone else?" Vin said, testing him. Praying Chris would say that he wouldn't.

Chris looked at Vin, anger shadowing his features. "No," he said, as calmly as he could. "I will not watch you go off with someone else. I did once, and it hurt like hell." Judging by the look on Vin's face, the admission came as a surprise to him. "You thought it didn't?"

Vin shrugged, uncertain. "I didn't know..."

"Neither did I, but after that, I did," Chris said, remembering how much he'd hated to see Vin infatuated with another. With someone that wasn't him. That was when he'd realised, and it had scared him at first, then made him determined. Vin would never belong to anyone but him. He'd been prepared to fight for him, but it had never gone that far. "That's when I began watching you."

"To make sure I didn't do something like that again?" Vin asked. It had been passionate and disturbing, but it hadn't been love, and it hadn't lasted.

"Yeah," Chris said, not bothering to lie. Had Vin shown interest in someone else, he'd have interfered. Not because he thought he had the right to control Vin, but because he knew they belonged together, and he'd not sit back and watch someone - someone not worthy of Vin - take away from him the one person that had made him able to feel love again. He'd only been waiting for the right moment to make Vin realise that their feelings for each other were the same, and that moment was now.

"You ain't totally innocent yourself though, are you, Chris?"

Chris looked away, knowing what Vin referred to. "We've both done one stupid thing each then," he said. "Stupid" was not a strong enough word, but just as he didn't like thinking about Vin with other partners, he wasn't too proud of his own "adventure". He'd momentarily lost his mind, and he'd paid for it. He didn't like being reminded of that time in his life; it was over and done with.

"You've done stupid things both before and after you started watching me, if I don't have it all wrong," Vin said. He felt jealous, and couldn't stop himself from throwing the accusation at Chris. Obviously it had been all right that Chris himself went off with women, but not that he did.

"You're gonna make this hard, aren't you?" Chris understood exactly what Vin was talking about, and it didn't make him feel less foolish knowing that Vin was right. "I've made mistakes," he said. "But I want you to know that I've never hurt you intentionally. I didn't know back then that you felt the same."

"I didn't say I did," Vin said defensively. The tension surrounding them was so powerful now, he'd never felt anything like it. There were things at stake here. Their future. But he needed for Chris to know exactly what he thought about what he'd done; that it would be unacceptable if it happened again.

Damn it, but Vin was upset. Chris felt desperation rising. It couldn't end here, before it had barely started. Not like this. Not because of things done in the past, meaningless things that he thought they'd both left behind. "I'd never hurt you, Vin," he said. "But if you weren't in love with me then, you weren't hurt anyway, right?" Stupid question, stupid hope. Of course Vin had been hurt, probably more than he had himself.

"No, that ain't right, Chris," Vin said, tears of anger threatening to fall. Chris running off with an old flame of his had been one of the worst times of Vin's life, even though he'd tried to hide it well. "You have no fucking clue."

Vin talking to him like that astonished Chris, but at least he wasn't denying his emotions any longer. "Tell me."

"Tell you what? You already know."

"That you love me?" Chris asked softly.

Vin nodded.

"That's why you were hurt," Chris said. "Just like I was. We shouldn't be doing that to each other." And he knew he'd never do it again, and he'd make sure Vin never got a reason to either.

A long silence followed. Just when it was beginning to become awkward, Chris gently took hold of Vin's arm, making him follow him to the livery. They both had legitimate reasons to go there, it would not look suspicious.

"Why are we here?" Vin asked. The question was unnecessary, but he had to say something.

"I didn't want anyone to see," Chris said, putting his hands on each side of Vin's head, his thumbs stroking Vin's cheeks. He leaned forward, his lips closing in on Vin's, then kissed him, carefully at first, then more demanding. When he drew back, he said in a low voice, "Vin...I know we don't have a past together, not like...not like that, anyway. But, couldn't we just start over again?"

Vin nodded, afraid to speak. The kiss had not been unexpected, but it had been more tender, more intimate, than he'd ever dreamed of. This was it. A feeling of peace of mind surged within him. It felt a bit strange, but he welcomed it. He took a step towards Chris, and was immediately enfolded in his arms. Tilting his head up, he silently asked for what he knew Chris would give him.

When Vin let him kiss him again, Chris knew he had him right where he wanted him. Vin belonged to him now, and he belonged to Vin. This was what all their years of friendship had been leading up to all along. This was why they had stayed by each other's sides even though they had hurt each other so badly. He couldn't stop himself; while kissing Vin, he began rubbing himself against him. He was hard, and he needed release. Vin was hard as well, moaning into his mouth. Chris began caressing Vin through his pants, and before long, he felt wetness on his hands.

Vin broke the kiss, needing the air. "Chris..."

"Yeah?" Chris caressed Vin's hair, smiling gently at him.

"Nothing." Vin usually found it hard to find the right words to describe how he felt, but right now, his mind was completely blank - or so it felt like - and he decided to not even try to say anything. It would probably not make sense, anyway.

"You all right?" Chris asked him. To him though, Vin looked more than all right. He was still looking into Vin's eyes, when he felt a hand stroking him. He groaned, the feeling of Vin's hand touching his hardness so good. His tight pants weren't really made for situations like this though, and before it became painful, he reached down to free himself.

Vin kept stroking Chris, then - against better knowledge - got down on his knees. Before he could have a second thought, he put his lips around the head of Chris's cock and began sucking. The response was immediate. Chris moaned loudly, stroking his hair, gently pushing Vin's head in the right direction. Vin complied, taking half of Chris's length in his mouth, sucking hard, encouraged by the sounds Chris made. When Chris came, Vin tried to keep sucking and swallow at first, then let go and used his hand instead.

Chris watched Vin, still on his knees before him. He reached down to kneed his own balls, emptying himself some more, this time on Vin's cheek. He guided Vin's head towards his cock, encouraging him to take him into his mouth again. Vin did, swallowing some, letting some dribble out on his chin. Chris looked down at him, pleased either way. He'd been surprised when Vin had begun sucking his cock, and he'd known from the start that unless Vin had practiced on some other man - which he possessively hoped he hadn't - it would be very sloppy and messy.

It had been, and things couldn't be more perfect.

*****

End