8-16-95
On August 16, Carla Hunt, my APCD, approached me and asked me when exactly it was that I had returned from Senegal with the pump. I replied that of course I had returned on the last day of my vacation, August 3rd. She asked, are you sure? Again, I lied and said "No." Apparently, someone from the American community had recognized me at the border crossing in Rosso, Senegal, and had reported to her that I was out of the country. Bastard!
This denial triggered in me a wave of guilt and frustration, so I wrote her the following letter: Dear Carla,
I first would like to apologize to you for lying to you. You have always treated me fairly, and I was much more interested in protecting myself than I was in lying to you. It wasn't right, and I feel quite badly about it.
I want to take the time now to get some things off of my chest. I realize that you may feel these things are better expressed in person, but I am much more comfortable writing them. I would not be able to say everything I need to say in person. Please excuse me for this.
As you well know, the Peace Corps experience, perhaps especially here in Mauritania, is an extremely emotionally, mentally and physically trying experience. We are pushed far beyond the limits we once had when we are home, and sometimes we wonder just why we are doing this. To stay here, I feel that to keep one's sanity, we have to truly enjoy something about this place. For me, I have enjoyed the traveling, the friends I have made, riding the motorcycle, and especially exploring the dunes of Mauritania for the artifacts they hold.
Obviously, none of the things I have just mentioned relate to work. Why? Part of it has been laziness, other parts have been that I was so shocked by the culture that I didn't know what to do, so I backed off and did nothing. At other times, I have been so worried about "bad development" that I have been afraid to do anything. I'm sure that as a former volunteer that you can identify with all of these things.
I joined the Peace Corps first and foremost "to help the people." As virtually all Americans are extremely naive when it comes to the world outside of our own country, I too was ignorant. I was leveled when I first met with the people of this continent. The cadeau mentality, the attempts to cheat us any way people could, the inability to communicate, and the ridicule cast upon me by the people here for not being able to communicate seriously affected me. When I imagined my Peace Corps experience, I thought that I would be welcomed by the villagers with open arms, eagerly accepting and following my advice and all the while being polite. It just ain't so, and I was a fool for thinking it.
I have learned a heck of a lot from being here, and I thank the United States Government for sending me here and supporting me. As a purely educational experience, no amount of money or schooling in the states could have ever made me as aware of the world as I am now. I don't confess to know and understand everything, but I have gained much insight that I otherwise would not have had.
What is good development? I honestly wish I could give you a good answer. I cannot. Many people much more intelligent than myself have tried and failed. To use some of that insight I say I have gained, I would say that this might really be a better place if we had never done anything "for them." I think that to do anything worthwhile here, the entire system has to work together, which it does not do. Recently, I have talked much of what work I would like to see done with pumps and the filtration of water. You, like me, believe in the smaller, the better. Last night at the AERAN, I was encouraged by another staff member to write up a project for three times what I actually needed, because we have so much money to use right now. I thought about it, and as much as an ego boost as it would be to hear people say, "Wow-look at all that Trey Carr brought to Breun!" it is just not right. Sure there are some people that truly deserve good things in my village(s), but I have no interest in supporting the rest that do nothing but ask for stuff. It doesn't feel right, and it is not good development. So in the end, I am not sure what to do.
If that was all there was to the story, we could say "stick it out." But, it is not. There are many people I miss back home, that miss me and that need and want my help. Some of these people don't have all that much time left, and so I am missing out of much of their lives by being here. That is something that has weighed much on my mind since coming here, but I have stayed until now because I believed that it was more important for me to be doing this. I am not so sure of this now.
Since being sworn in as a PCV, I have broken my fair share of rules. I have "borrowed," in the instance of the water filter that you once saw in my house and asked me about. That filter was taken from the office here, and was later returned. I had seen six new ones here in the beginning of November, and found them again still all packed up in storage in January. As I was worried about going to my village to drink river water, I took the filter. My reasoning was: "They've been here for three months and nobody has used them, and a filter would sure as heck be useful to me-I'll just take it." I was wrong to do it, and I brought it back to NKT a while after you asked me about it.
I also have been to Senegal twice before my vacation. Both times, I went to St. Louis for one and two nights. Once was a Friday, once was not. Both were before you had taken office as APCD. On my vacation, I was delayed in Dakar for a day to get the moto part, and then I was delayed for several days to get the pump. The pump was ready the fifth, so I returned to Rosso on August 6th. I thought seriously about calling to let you know, but as you had already expressed doubts that I would be doing any useful work for the villagers with them pump, I didn't think you would think it valid work and therefore I would be forced to take vacation while I waited. I had wanted to return to Mauritania ASAP, because I was running low on money, I was tired of Senegal, and I was eager to get to work, but circumstances prevented me from doing so.
I did not like lying to you. I also don't like sneaking around breaking Peace Corps regulations. I realize that we have them for very good reasons, but I don't agree with them. Actually, I think that they are fine except that I felt the need to break them and got caught. I was wrong for breaking them.
It is because of this that I think I am not cut out to be a volunteer here. It is true that I really do want to help the people, but increasingly it has just been the people I know and like and not all of them.
(Carla had seemed upset with me because I was in NKT too long.) As the saying goes, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." When I came to NKT this time, it was only for the reasons I have already given you, and I had planned on only staying 2 days. As it turns out, I thought I was going to get a truck to haul down my pipe and the newly fixed moto, so I have waited around here while I should have been in my village. I don't mind the taxi-brousse, but I thought it would have been much easier and cheaper to let the truck take me and the stuff down since one was going. Well we're still waiting for that truck, and I'm still not in my village. I knew that I should have already gone back, but for some reason I didn't. I have spent a good amount of time in NKT, and I have always seemed to enjoy it more than my time in the village. I am not a good volunteer.
I could rationalize it and bring up the bad experience that I have had in my village as my reason for not wanting to be there. I am certain that you know many of these things, but certainly not all of them. Back when I was haggling over the house in Darou, I had also been a bit unethical. But for once, it was for the good of both villages. The Centre (house) had been offered to me by the village chief for free. It was certainly worth much more than that as lodging, so I had told them that I could pay 6000um a month and that with that money I would pay for pumps and water filters and cisterns for both villages. I know the people are poor and that to build the things I thought they needed would cost them money, so I felt that using the rent money was fair for them and that I could definitely make an impact without the hassles of getting a project approved. It was certainly unethical within the Peace Corps, so I mentioned that to no one. As it turned out, the whole plan blew up because I didn't know enough about their culture, and we all know what happened after that. I thank you for trying to help me, but in the end it was my decision to stay on after I finally found one ally in the village who could help me. If I hadn't found her, I would have left for home if the Peace Corps hadn't gotten me another village. As far as you were concerned, I really felt like the bad guy after I didn't go immediately back to Breun-Gouyard after you had asked me to and I told you that I would. If I had been stronger then, I would have told you that I wasn't going to do it because I wanted to rest until the next day and start off with it early. As it turned out, I did end up going back right after I talked to you that one morning on the phone, but I pretty much hated you, the Peace Corps, and the people in the village that I felt had done all of this to me. I didn't even speak to anyone for a couple of days after I had moved back in Breun-Gouyard. Ignorant, I had acted out my best intentions, and in the end I learned much but have so far been unable to get pas it and integrate into the village as a Peace Corps Volunteer should.
Rather than go on wasting taxpayer dollars reading books and sneaking off to drink a beer in Senegal or up here to see my friends and eat well, I think it is best that I pack up and go home. To cope with this place, I have broken the rules and lied about it, and attempted to sneak around. Those are not things I believe in, and it does me harm to know that I have done this, and still cannot justify why. I have not helped the people of this country with my knowledge to any great extent. I have taught some, but never to the capacity of animations that I am called upon to do by my project plan. I have learned much. I am not really sure what it is about my culture that I have taught to these people, though I certainly did my very best to explain that America is no wonderland, and if they want to improve their lives they need to do it here. There is much I haven't done that I think in time I could have at least tried. However, simply following those goals is not all that it means to be a volunteer: conditions have been placed upon our service, and I have broken them.
I have not been a previously successful volunteer, so I can in no way tell you what our rules should be. My unauthorized trips I don't feel bad about; the lying I do feel bad about. I think it is a shame that we are not allowed to see the other volunteers more often than every four months, that we are allowed a one-day weekend (to do what with?) and that we aren't able to see the rest of this country without taking vacation time to do it. I know that these are the rules, and these are our living conditions, and that we volunteered to do this. I also know that Peace Corps programs in other countries have different rules-some I would like better, some I would not. In The Gambia, some 100 volunteers are always close to each other because of the small size of their country, and they are given 4 "office" days a month in which to go to the capitol to the office, and hang out together. Our programs are different-I actually think what they have is a bit excessive. However, I wonder why they get such opportunities and we do not. I think more opportunities to be together and to see some more of the country, endorsed by the Peace Corps staff, would be welcome, and not damage the program. I believe that regardless of any rules or conditions placed on the volunteer, if that volunteer truly cares about the people and wants to work with them, he will be a good volunteer. To me, the opinion of a few villagers far outweighs the regulations placed upon the volunteer by the Peace Corps. I feel that I am being a bit anarchic here, but it is my honest opinion. I also understand that under the system that was generous enough to bring me here, the opinion of a few African villagers is not what matters. Everyone up the ladder from me has his or her own agenda, some interests of which are for the good of the people and the Peace Corps program, and others of which may not be so altruistic. I cannot say that I fully understand the system, nor that I fully understand what it is I am doing here myself. I can only tell you what I feel.
I have broken the rules. The rules I have broken result in expulsion from the Peace Corps. I do not desire any deals, or any vacation time retroactively, or whatever. I might accept such an offer if I could promise that I would never go to Senegal again except on vacation or work. I cannot make that promise, and I am not going to lie anymore.
I thank you for your time, and for your obvious commitment to the Peace Corps/Mauritania program. I think you will do a great job, and I am sure the other volunteers will find you to be a definite asset. I apologize to you, and to the others who do their best here. There are many.
I well be here at 10:30 tomorrow morning to discuss this with you before I leave for Rosso. I need to go pack up my stuff, and as I am not sure what kind of transportation I will have, I will do my best to get back by Saturday, Inshallah.
Sincerely, William H. (Trey) Carr, III
8-17-95
Peace Corps Director Rob Hanawalt and APCD Carla Hunt met with me the next morning at the Bureau. Rob commented to me that, "You put a lot of thought into this. It was very well written."
I guess they figured that I wasn't really intent on leaving, so they talked me out of it. They told me that I could use my weekend to go to St. Louis as long as I called them, and that they would retroactively use my vacation time for my trips to Senegal.
I left NKC for my site with new that things would be getting better.
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