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Q. I have this recurring problem. After a couple of dates with a new guy, I bring him back to my place. But once we're naked, I suddenly decide I'm not ready for sex and ask him to leave. Most of my dates never call again. Why don't they understand that I just want to cuddle and not go so far so fast?
A: You're giving these guys the wrong impression. By bringing them back to your apartment so soon, and subsequently getting naked, you're leading them to believe you're ready for sex even though you clearly are not. This is unfair — not to mention confusing — to the guy. Even the nicest guys will have a hard time putting the brakes on action that appears to be moving full-force ahead. Your mixed signals may also make them wonder if they did something to turn you off ("Is my penis too small?", "Am I too hairy?", "Does my breath smell?") and that's why you kicked them out.
Now, I'm not saying that you should have sex with a guy just because he wants to. You have the right to say no at any time, and you do not owe him an explanation. I also believe that it's perfectly fine — even ideal — to play a bit of cat-and-mouse when it comes to sex. Not doing the deed the first few times you hook up will make him yearn for you more. But you should do it in a more subtle, less deliberate way.
Here's what I suggest you try with the next guy: When you're yearning to make out with him, do it in semipublic places — engage in some old-fashioned necking at a friend's party, in an elevator in a museum, at a club, in the car — that way you get to sample his technique but you can't go any further. Then at the end of the night, give him a long, passionate kiss at your front door, making clear you're not asking him in (something like, "I'd better get some sleep 'cause I have to get up early, but I can't wait to see you again!" will get your point across). When you are ready for him to come in, be super clear about where you want to draw the line so you are both on the same page. He'll respect you for your honesty and know that when you do have sex you'll really, really want it. A pretty good way to start a new relationship, if you ask me!
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