"Senseless Acts of Witlessness"
A Non-Fiction Observational Piece by
Marilyn Torres
Copyrighted 2003
People scare me. Not in a Paranoid Schizo sense, but in an Incredulous Disbelieving sense. My place of work is conducive to simply generating scores of the Simple Uninformed variety. It's as if once people cross our video store's threshold, they're magically transformed into spoiled children that can't do anything for themselves.
We've all been to video stores with the big flashy signage, and over-stocked shelves that span the back wall and floor. The rental and retail sections are clearly labeled. Yet, someone, after hours of browsing, always manages to happily bounce up to the counter, wearing a vacant smile, and ask, "Where are your movies for sale?" I just politely point to the huge racks adorned with "Movies to Buy!" signs in big, bold letters right behind said customer. Sound farfetched, you say? If you've ever worked in customer service, or even seen the movie Clerks, you know I'm not lying.
All right, I sound a little bitter, but don’t get me wrong. I don't hate or loathe customers because if I did, I wouldn't take such pleasure in regaling everyone with the senseless acts of witlessness I'm a privy to. I'm not overly sensitive or anything, so of course I can let the small things slide.
Like a customer breezing by three drop-boxes to hand his movies to me, even though one is already late. I just shrug and in a flurry of fingers and keys I leave bright yellow notes on his account like, "Late fee is valid, customer handed them to me!" This is only because said customer is notorious about arguing upon his next visit. I'm usually the one that cashes him out.
Playing the part of the respectful employee, I politely inform him that our Before Noon Policy has been active for several years.
Yet he persists, feigning ignorance. "But I wasn't told when to bring them back when I rented them."
I love this one, and give him an easy smile. "Part of our Customer Service Policy is to tell every customer when their movies are due at checkout, and the titles of all movies, with their due dates, print out on your receipt."
"But I know they were on time!" the customer growls, his bearded face set in a dark scowl. Of course, I'm looking at the customer's history for the past three months and it's filled with warnings akin to, "Customer always argues late fees. No credits!"
Again, I smile serenely. "I'm the one you handed the movies to sir, and according to your history, they were late." So stop whining like a big baby.
A change in tactics. "Other video stores I rent from have a before midnight policy," he counters, as if this is supposed to mean something to me.
I come in for the kill, politely of course. "According to your anniversary date, you've been renting here for nearly three years now." So you should know better.
By now, my manager has caught wind of the discussion and pauses behind some shelves behind the customer, nodding in the affirmative to take his fees off. We're supposed to avoid violent confrontations.
I frown and gaze at the computer screen as if I've come to some sort of realization. "Well, I'll take it off this time as a benefit of a doubt credit, but please remember our Before Noon Policy."
The customer proudly puffs out his chest and raises his chin a notch, as if he'd waged war against insurmountable odds and emerged victorious. Well, I suppose he should be proud, since he managed to argue his way out of that daunting $4.27 late fee. I mean, wouldn't you?
Some customers usually go the more dramatic route by shouting at whichever unsuspecting employee has the misfortune of waiting upon them. A prime example was a proud papa of two innocent daughters, tweens maybe? He also held a toddler in his arms with bright blue eyes and rosy apple cheeks. I dutifully scanned the man's card and brought up his account.
"Sir, you have late fees of $12.81 from a month ago." I tell him for what movies, how many notices we've sent to his current address, and that he has to clear that fee before renting anything else. I even offered to overlook the fees, since he wanted to purchase a kid's movie, no doubt for his daughters looking on nearby. Besides, I didn't feel like listening to the grating sound of children throwing tantrums for a movie.
He loudly informed me that, "If you're going to screw me over some late fees, that I'm not buying anything from you!" After the outburst he storms out, barking at his daughters to follow him. I exchanged glances with a coworker nearby, and we both nodded in silent agreement. Another account I got to light up like a Christmas tree. If it's one thing I've learned in my long year of working here, is to at least like what I do.
Also know that as underpaid, struggling college students at customers' every beck and call, we have little more to do than laugh at our customers. It keeps us sane, and happy to help. Besides, customer antics are most likely what we're laughing at when you come up to ask a question. I mean, when someone comes up and asks, "Where are the New Releases?" what else can we really do besides make fun? "New Release" signs are lining the back walls of the store with recent VHS/DVD releases right under them. Who would've guessed?
My personal favorites are the people rush into the small foyer and run into the second glass door with a huge BANG. They incredulously look at the door, as if it's done something wrong, and persist in pushing on the glass like they're trapped with no way out. I look on with a bemused grin while other customers remain oblivious. It's as if they don't want to betray their own kind by laughing. Finally, the idiot in the foyer happens to glance down and see the handlebar she's supposed to push to come in. One little nudge and the door magically opens. Go figure.
Little kids are cute too. Until they walk into the store and run amuck. Besides running around spilling toys into the aisles, and leaving ice cream cones to melt on shelves, they do nothing but whine. Nothing's more satisfying that hearing a kid start up a time-honored whine like, "--but m-O-m, why can't I have it?! I want it, I wa--" and end abruptly with a nice loud SMACK. Of course, they tend to cry afterwards, but it's a necessary evil if it teaches them not to ask questions after being told, "No." Then the kids cry so much that their parents leave the store before they can mess anything else up. Extra perk.
Although, adults probably mess the store up more than kids do. If not, then it's a really close comparison. At least when you tell kids to please put movies back where they go, they usually do, but God forbid I try that with an adult because they look down at me as if I'm some kind of lesser being. Of course, they have to fault me for wanting get home before two A.M. because it's such a preposterous notion to actually want to stay after hours, cleaning up messes grown adults leave behind. Oops. Am I sounding bitter again? And I'm just getting to some of the fun questions customers ask too.
Don't get me wrong, I love a small challenge. A short matronly woman with a cheery smile could ask, "You know that movie with Martin Lawrence. The comedy with that joke about the fire," and I'd know to say, "Black Knight." I'm all over that, but there are just some questions that couldn't possibly be any vaguer or scarier.
"Do you know that movie? You know, the one with lots of action." Okay, am I wrong in assuming that the public at large has at least some general knowledge on what movie they specifically came to a video store to get? Apparently, yes. At least some could narrow it down to something in their own language.
"Could you exchange this movie?" a man in his mid-thirties asked as he hands off his selection. It's not like you're gonna give me a choice.
Well it must be defective, I assume, yet I venture the question, "What's wrong with it?"
His tone remains conversational, his broad shoulders relaxed. "It's subtitled," he replies easily. Oh brother.
I try not to raise a dubious eyebrow. The movie only says in black and white, right after the title on the spine, that it's subtitled, but I humor him. After all, not everyone might know that Amélie is subtitled. "All right, if you want to go and get one that's not subtitled, I'll do the exchange."
He walks off and after half-an-hour of deliberation, returns with another prize. I promptly inform him while pointing to the spine, that this movie is also subtitled. He frowns and I just politely ask, "What's wrong with a subtitled movie?" You liked the back of it enough to pick it up, after all.
"Well, it's just too hard to read and watch at the same time," is his answer. Okay, so I'm thinking, how can this guy read street signs and drive at the same time? So he goes off again and comes back with another movie: Brotherhood of the Wolf, not bad.
The smart-looking gent now points to the spine and asks, "What does 'dubbed' mean?" Oh joy, he actually read the spine this time. They can be taught! Now all I need to do is get him to buy some common sense.
I don't fault people for not reading the spine of the rental they so lovingly choose in the course of an hour. So what if they walk out of the store all shiny and happy with their selection, and come back about an hour later saying that wasn't the movie they meant to rent. I can let that slide. It's just the people who bring up the empty cover-boxes that make me simmer. Where they get the notion that I keep all the movies in the store behind a low-rise counter, is beyond me.
Another notion that just makes me wonder what village is missing their idiot is, "I accidentally turned in a movie from another video store here." Okay, this wouldn't be a scary thing if this person had rented a bunch of other movies from my store. A rental from another store could have mistakenly been slipped in, right? Well no, this customer had not rented anything from my store. Yet he returned a rental, which clearly had another store's logo emblazoned in bright red and yellow across the cover, to my store. Oy vey.
What's that? My bitter alarm going off again? Well, it's time to go to work any way. Let me see what tales of thievery, deception, and deceit I might be able to pick up tonight, or maybe just how many people I can laugh at with my coworkers. After all, as a Customer Service Representative well versed in the tactful handling of our patrons, I can only say so much within earshot.