FUN AND GAMES

A LETTER FROM AN IRISH MOTHER

Dear Daughter

Just a few lines to let you know that I have arrived in Brisbane and am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.

We did not recognise your grandmothers house, because she has moved.

About your uncle Tom, he has a lovely new job. He has five hundred men under him. He cuts grass at the Pinaroo lawns cemetery.

Your grandmother has a washing machine at her new house, but she stopped using it after she put 14 shirts in it and pulled the chain, they haven't been seen since.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning, but we haven't found out whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you're an uncle or an aunty.

Your uncle drowned last week in a vat of Brisbane moonshine. Some of his mates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They had a lovely service for him, and then cremated him, it took three days to put out the fire.

I went to the Doctor last week, your father came with me. The Doctor put a small tube in my mouth and said I couldn't talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week, first for three days and then for four.

Monday was so windy one of grandma's chickens laid the same egg four times.

Grandma had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment for your grandpa's grave wasn't paid in seven days - up he comes.

With all my love,

Mother.

P.S I was going to ask you to send me $50 but I had already sealed the envelope.

Top 10 Things You Learned From Zelda 64:

10: Kokiri DON'T grow up. Hylians DO.
9: It is actually surprisingly easy to adjust to a sudden height gain of three feet five inches.
8: Dragons don't like hammers.
7: Never trust people called Sheik.
6: Get attached to any girl you meet, she'll become a Sage and emigrate to the Sacred Realm within a week.
5: Gerudos ALL have permanent PMT.
4: Always make sure you're not wearing those embarrassing "Simpsons" boxers before fighting a Like Like.
3: Bombchus aim like inebriated gerbils.
2: Iron boots are not the best equipment for death-defying leaps over bottomless chasms.
1: Never underestimate small children, especially if they're armed.

-Dark Link

You Know You're Obsessed With Link When:

...You look at all the guys you know and start looking to see if one of them faintly resembles Link
...You look at all the guys you know and start trying to MAKE them resemble Link
...Whenever there's a closeup of his face on your screen, you pause the game to stare at his face (even though the subscreen blocks your view)
...and leave the afterimage burned permanently on your screen since you kept it that way for so long (but that's okay, since you're obsessed with Link....)

-Pokéwriter

And "You Know You're A Little Too Obsessed With Link When":

• -You insist that he absolutly *must* be accesorised (sp?) in the Goron Tunic, Silver Gaunlets, and Mirror Shield even in places where it's innapropriate (ie: the Water Temple) because he just looks so damn hot!
• -You sulk whenever Ruto or any other girl in the game puts the moves on *your Link*!
• -You've tried to kill girl characters in the game *just in case*
• -You own more Link mecandise than Nintendo
• -You've done that whole thing with your binders at school..."Mrs. Link; Mrs. Jane Link; Mrs. Jane Doe Link...etc..."
• -You've leagally changed your name to the above
• -You've featured yourself in any number of fan fics where you play the beutiful warrior who gets our fav Hyrulian
• -You feature rival (female) Link-lovers in your story for the sole purpose of running them through with your sword while Link looks on, satisfied. (Hey, It's a very fulfilling......oops...I mean...)
• -Anyone who thinks Link might not really hop out of the TV and whisk you off to spend the rest of your days fighting by his side in computer animated bliss dies at sunset.
• -You can relate anything anyone says back to Link, then turn it into a seventy page fanfic/lovestory featuring yourself and everyones fav Hyrulian
• -You are dead set on renaming your newest boyfriend Link, and giving him all the proper surgery until he's a perfect replica
• -You already have
• -You cry when you have to kill Dark Link in the game because you'd never delibratly hurt anything that had ever been a part of Link, especially not his own shadow!!!
• -You kiss your cartrige goodnight
• -You've already saved up the money for Zelda Gaidin
• -You cry yourself to sleep every night thinking about how terribly unfair it is that Zelda Gaidin features only young Link and you don't *want* to be a paedophile!!!!

-@--}---- Icedragon

1. When you grab a Heart Container/Piece, you die.
2. The Great Fairies look attractive.
3. Navi sounds like Barry White.
4. The King of Evil constantly calls himself "Ganondorf de la Mancha."
5. You can stuff Ganon in a bottle and sell him.
6. The Deku Tree has a goatee.
7. Epona sings, "A horse is a horse, of course, of course..."
8. Phantom Ganon rides into a painting and gets hit by Mario
9. King Dodongo spits marshmallow goo at you.
10. In the "history" sequences, Din, Farore, and Nayru didn't create the Triforce. The correct trio is Moe, Larry, and Curly.

actually, two more for good luck.
*. When you hit a cucco, it screams like a girl.
**. The Poes say, "Quoth the raven, nevermore."

-Nobie

• Learn to play the Ocarina. Play one at odd intervals during school. When you play it, close your eyes and sway from side to side. Stop playing, look around intently, then sigh and put the Ocarina in your pocket. Act like you didn't do anything.
• Call someone Mido. Insist to them that it wasn't your fault the Great Deku Tree died. When they look puzzled, say, "Yeah, go ahead, pretend it didn't happen," and storm off.
• Have a breakdown and identity crisis after playing the Ocarina in the Temple of Time, because nobody in Kokiri Forest recognized you.
• Legally change your name to Link.
• Call your girlfriend Zelda.
• If you're a girl, call your boyfriend Link.
• Make phrases like "Go in peace, and may Farore's Wisdom be with ye, friend", part of your everyday conversation.
• Acquire a number of large, colored glass cut stones. Call them Rupees and carry them in a pouch at your waist. Guard them jealously.
• Learn to play "Away In A Manger", "Greensleeves" and / or "Three Blind Mice" faultlessly on Link's Ocarina, and then do it constantly whenever anyone else is watching you play.
• Constantly look up at the second floors of buildings with trees overhanging them, sigh and then mutter, "If only I had the Hookshot handy..."
• Come to school wearing green Kokiri clothes. Make a Master Sword and Hyrulian Shield out of cardboard, poster paint and bits from the Drama Cupboard. Insist on being allowed to wear and carry said gear. Occasionally hit people over the head with your sword when they're not looking.
• Have your ears surgically altered.
• Start giving your Chemistry teacher suspicious looks near the beginning of the lesson, making sure s/he notices. Get progressively more suspicious of them. Around halfway through the lesson, leap over your desk and attack him/her screaming "DIE, GERUDO SCUM!"
• Practise at home until you really can fall eight feet down and go into a forward roll without hurting yourself. Next gym class, climb to the high beam and then do it when your teacher tells you to come down.
• If you do Theology or a related subject, constantly fill your essays with strange references to the Triforce and the three Goddesses.
• Make a Triforce out of cardboard and gold paint. Hide it in your locker and then defend said locker with your life. Refer to said locker as the Sacred Realm, and make anyone who comes within three feet pay you twenty Rupees as compensation for defiling the Temple.
• Grow long flowing locks and style it into bangs. If it isn't blond, bleach it.
• Attempt to pay for your lunch in Rupees. When they refuse to accept them as legal tender, go crazy with a sword.
• Stalk the corridors with your sword and shield at the ready. Whenever you see anyone, charge at them with your sword held high. Screech to a stop, examine their face closely and then say, "Sorry, I thought you were Ganondorf." Walk off whistling.
• Chuck a cherry bomb in the staff toilet. When they catch you, act offended. Tell them you just saved them from the Dodongo that stalks the staff toilet.
• Get a slingshot or a bow. Take pot-shots at small birds. Laugh.
• Get pecked to death in retaliation by a flock of very angry small birds.
• Invent a language for Hyrule. Speak it all the time and refuse to speak in English. Write all your essays in Hyrulian script. Demand that you get the special treatment of those for whom English is not their first language.
• Whimper and cry whenever you see a really big tree. When asked what's wrong, tearfully explain that the tree reminds you of when the Great Deku Tree died.
• Make a Mask of Truth out of cardboard, paint and stuff from the Drama Cupboard. Find a big rock and talk to it. Fall about laughing, then give the nearest person a meaningful look, giggling hysterically. Then walk off.
• Train a horse to come when you play Epona's Song on an Ocarina. Come into school on the horse. Leave your horse where everyone else leaves their bikes. At the end of the day, play Epona's Song, get on your horse, and ride off.
• Ask everyone you meet if they know where the last Sage is. When they look puzzled, growl. Tell them you know what they're up to and then stomp off.
• Refuse to join the football team on the grounds that Ganondorf might attack at any time, and you have to be prepared.
• Agree to join the football team on the condition that you be allowed to wear your Kokiri clothes, sword and shield on the pitch. Become the star player. Insist that your name is put down as "Link".
• Worship Din, Farore and Nayru. Offer them sacrifices. Make a little altar and put it in your locker. Tell anyone who doesn't join in that they are heathens.
• When late, stagger in panting. Explain that you would have been there sooner but you got held up by a Stalchild.
• Hum one of the Ocarina Songs over and over until you drive your classmates to distraction.
• Draw your sword and look menacingly at anyone who bumps you. If someone stares back aggressively, knock them out. Walk off muttering, "...never hurt the innocent, but..."
• Put fruit juice in colored glass bottles. Carry a couple of these around with you all the time. Refuse to tell anyone what's in them. Occasionally be seen drinking the whole bottle in one go.
• Get a brilliant major in archery and fencing. Dramatically fail everything else.
• Don't hand in your assignments on time. When scolded by the (preferably female) teacher, respond, "Well, excuuuuuse me, Princess!" Get sent to the Principal and refuse to explain yourself on the grounds that he's only after the Triforce of Wisdom.
• Come in on examination day looking distraught. Explain that your fairy is missing and you won't be able to sit any tests unless she is found (By this time, they're more likely to believe you than not).

-Dark Link and Perpetua

• you pester the Blacksmith until he makes you a sword that looks just like the Master Sword
• You're eyes are constantly red
• You're known as "The Grump" In your neighborhood because you don't like being disturbed
• You raise your Zelda games on a shrine
• You have more than 5 copies of the same game
• You never do your homework, but play Zelda instead
• You keep a sword and constantly hurt people, and if they take you away, you yell, "BUT IT WAS AN EVIL GERUDO!!!!"
• You try to marry your game
• You punch someone who comes five feet close to your game you stab someone who comes 4 feet close you kill someone who comes 3 feet, and look innocent

-Klash

• Someone mentions "the missing link". You go, "Ooh... LoZ cartoon episode six... *burble* *drool*"
• You've got ROMs. And you're not afraid to use them.
• In the same vein, your mate's Pentium II with 128 Meg RAM now runs like a Commodore 64 with asthma because you've convinced it it's really a Super Nintendo (:P)
• Only wears green, red or blue, and has a soft spot for silly Robin Hood style hats.
• Uses a picture of Link in his ICQ profile (:P:P:P)
• Sees Legend of Zelda symbolism everywhere--road signs, billboards, the works.
• Reaches for his bow every time a bird flies overhead! oo;
• True LoZ fans always have a Zelda desktop theme.
• True LoZ fanatics always have a Zelda desktop theme, sound theme, customised mouse pointer, mouse mat, website, ICQ group, GIF/JPG collection, pirate ROMs and screen saver.
• You're constantly embarrassing schoolmates (unfortunately) called Zelda by sending them weird grins in class and asking when they're gonna fulfil their promise.
• Kagami mean anything to you?
• You've written a thesis on the symbolism of the Triforce, relating to Link's name, ancient Etruscan knowledge and the Hylian myth of the Legendary Knights. You've put it on your website, and received fan mail for it.
• You'd pay up to $100 for the gold LoZ64 cart, just so you could try that glitch where you save just as Ganondorf knocks the Master Sword out of your hands, and it does weird things to the game when you turn back on.
• You say LoZ instead of "Legend of Zelda", and your mates know what you mean because of all the times you've mentioned Link.
• You paid the bloke in your local dodgy rip-off videogames store so you could have the Zelda promo posters in his window (Gallop, give it to meee, I'm a bigger fan than you...)
• You may have flunked History, but you know the dates of every single invasion by Ganondorf.
• "GeoCities doesn't have Hyrule as an option on their list of countries? DOES THIS MEAN I CAN'T SIGN UP??"
• College application forms: "Language of preference... Hylian. Racial minority? Um... Yeah. Hylian. Uh-huh... Country of origin? Hyrule!"
• Has Zelda figurines and plays with them in public despite being 18 years old IRL.
• Talks to Zelda figurines in stupid Zelda voices and makes out that the voices are coming from the figurines (eg Oh no, Link, help me! Don't worry Zelda, I'll save you! Oh no you won't, Link, I'm kidnapping the Princess, ha ha! Ganondorf, you rotter!)

-Dark Link

...You greet people by offering them a big goron hug, and act offended when they don't run away screaming like Link
...They *DO* run away screaming because you've told them that's what they're supposed to do
...You're afraid to hurt a chicken for fear of being pecked to death, unless you're sitting on a horse
...You think the zoras in LoZ resemble 'maren (Sorry, wasn't sure where to put that one.. ^^;;)
...Whenever you see a horse irl, you try to summon it over by playing Epona's song on your ocarina and then wonder why it doesn't work
...You stop playing just to watch Link stand there and shiver, because you think he looks sooooo sweet and kawaii ^.^
...You kill any yellow spiders you see and then think you've been gypped when you don't get a skulltula medallion in return
...You contstantly cut up small bushes, earthenware pots and throw rocks hoping to find rupees and other items
...Every time you see a yield sign you think of the triforce and thus LoZ
...every time you see *any* roadsign you think of LoZ
...You wish your city allowed you to keep a horse in your back yard and ride it everywhere you went instead of having to drive
...You spend hours in Things Engraved or any other knives store which carried swords and daggers trying to convince the clerk to let you buy a sword despite you being under age.
...You swipe said sword when they clerk's not looking when they say no.
...You wear it constantly and refuse to take it off, even when you get in trouble at school for carrying weapons.

-Nitewings Starrysky

1. You get tendonitis in one wrist and carpal tunnel in the other.
2. You've actually made up a character who's Link's sister or you're convinced that Zelda is (just what would Zelda's mom be doing outside when a war was raging, hmmm?)
3. You've written three trilogies and can't wait to start on the third one.
4. You've written a story about Zelda, Ruto, Nabooru and Malon fighting over Link.
5. You've written a story about Zelda, Ruto, Nabooru, Malon and Darunia fighting over Link (o.O Sorry, Dar, but can we skip that...err...man to man talk...?)
6. You can't even count the times you've resurrected Ganondorf on one hand...you need both hands and half the toes on one foot...
7. If you're a girl you have erotic daydreams about Link and if you're a guy you have eroctic daydreams about Zelda (o.O)
8. You honestly feel that you *know* the characters and ohmigod what if Link dies before he and Zelda get married! how sad!!!
9. You have a collection of your own Zelda characters with sad pasts, magic powers, a full page of stats and a hero title (eh heh...*whistles, looks innocent*)
10. You have this great idea...what if Dark Link comes back for revenge! (hello, he was like, a monster, no personality, no brain, he's dead, now...)
    (DL: "I object to that comment! I'm not dead!!")
11. Your e-mail adress is "zeldaficwritr@hotmail.com"
12. Your stories get special treatment on your site but when it comes to everyone elses you just don't give a damn.
13. You're not laughing at this because you know that at least four of these apply to you.
14. You feel a lot of resenment towards Eon because she's always right...hey, hey! don't throw rotten tomatos at me! waaaaaaaaaah!!!

-Eon

Zelda Jokes

Q: When does Link play with his food?
A: When using the Ocarina of Lime!

"Life is a like a Like Like...it SUCKS."

Q: What do you call a short male Gerudo?
A: Ganondwarf

Q: What do Barinade and Lemonade have in common?
A: It's soooooo sweet when you finish 'em both.

Q: How did Talon's ranch get its name?
A: Cuz it's a lon' lon' way when you first get there before you beat the game.

Q: What does Link say after killing a bat?
A: Keese my @$$!!!

Q: In "The Adventure of Link," why is the first Palace Guardian called Horsehead?
A: Because Nintendo would never allow a character to be named Giant Ass.

Q: What car does the Goddess of Wisdom drive?
A: A Farore-i

Q: What car does the Subterranean Lava Dragon Drive?
A: A Volvo, duh.

Q: What did Princess Ruto say to Link five years after the Imprisoning War?
A: Well aren't you a site for Zora eyes.

Q: What do the rock - eating people say when one of their members rolls away?
A: Goron...goron...goron...GONE!

-Nobie

Q: What do you call a Hylian with a 56K modem using Netscape?
A: Hyper Link (think about it)

-Dark Link

Link, Dark Link, and Darunia are sitting in DL's house telling jokes.
Link: I've got one!
DL: Then what're you waiting for?
Link: Okay, knock knock...
Darunia gets up, goes to the door, opens it and looks around.
DL: Dar, whaddya doing?
Darunia: There was someone at the door...

-Starseeker

What?

*Ganondorf stops playing the organ...*
Ganondorf: Very good, Eiji Shinjo, my body trembles...
Link: Who?
Ganondorf: Uh...I'll crush you, plumber!
Link: What's a plumber?
Ganondorf: Uhm... Your league challenge ends with me!!!
Link: ... yes.
Ganondorf: Damn... lessee... today Zebes, tomorrow, the UNIVERSE!
Link: Uh, Zebes?
Ganondorf: I'll..get you yet, GADGET!
Link: That's right...*rolls eyes*
Ganondorf: Ah crap...hmm... KAKALOTO! KAKALOTO!
Link: Now that's just jibberish...
Ganondorf: Curse you, Aunt Jemima!
Link: One more try...

-Nobie

A blonde walks into a hairdresser, and goes to get her hair cut. As the hairdresser goes to cut, he finds that the blonde is wearing headphones, so he says, "Ma'me, could you please take those headphones?" So the blonde did. The hairdresser starts cutting, but five seconds later, the blonde slumps forward in her chair. The hairdresser checks for a pulse, but finds there's none. Then he sees the headphones, and wonders whether they have anything to do with it. So he listens to them, and he hears this: "Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out..."

Four blondes were on a deserted island, when they found a genie. The genie said that they all had three wishes. The first one wished to be 10 times smarter, and then she swam across to the mainland. The second one wished to be 100 times smarter, and built a boat and swam across. The third one wished to be 1000 times smarter, and built a boat and sailed across. The fourth one wished to be 10 000 times smarter, and walked across the bridge to the mainland.

Due to human error causing too many accidents, an airline company decided to make an airplane that was completely automated. When this plane was made, it was on its maiden flight. Just as it was lifting off, a voice came over the intercom to the passengers: "Welcome. This airplane is completely automated. Nothing can go wrong... go wrong... go wrong..."

A blowhard airforce general was promoted to major, and had just moved into his new office, and was having the equipment installed. He heard a knock on the door, and, getting the urge to impress the person, picked up the phone as the person was entering and said: "Yes, general, yes, I'll pass that on to the president this afternoon." Then, seeing the man, he said: "What is it?"
"Sir, I came to install your telephone."

An airplane was about to take off, but the pilots were late. Soon, in came to people in pilot's uniforms - one had a guide dog, and the other had a cane - they were both blind. Everyone was waiting for them to say this was a joke, but the two men walked into the cockpit, and started up the engines. The plane started taxiing down the runway, but it was approaching a lake. Just as it was about to crash into the lake, everyone screamed, and the plane lifted off, to fly safely. Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one pilot said to the other, "Bob, one day they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna end up in that lake!"