VI. The Cases of Mistaken Identity

The snake spread its shimmering wings with pride, the tip of its tail holding the scroll up to its eye level. It cleared it's throat, straightening up to make itself taller. "Anubisss," it hissed, but with a narrative tone, "Atu korone zut. Darban efu ekhmet suvartee." Goku opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. The snake dropped the scroll and whirled its tail, conjuring a small book. "No," it muttered, "Thisss isss Napoleon'sss memoirss..." Dropping the item it conjured another object, "No, thisss issss JFK'ssssssss asssssassssination video..." A pile soon developed. "Damnit!" the snake shrieked, "I have tonsss of messsagess!" It drew into existence two stone slabs, "The Ten Commandmentssss? Bah!" Dropping the heavy tablets, it drew out a paper from no where. "Ah," the snake said, "Finally." Clearing it's throat once more, the creature read, "Anubis: Why don't you call me? I know you've escaped Hell. 379-1946." Goku finally found words, but the snake was already reading another letter. "Anubi-chan," the snake snickered before regaining its composure, "Ich weiß nicht., dummkopf! Du bist lustig...und sehr kawaii. Ich möchte du sehen. Komm zu mir? XOXO." Goku made an effort to speak, "But I'm not Anubis." The snake stared for a moment, "What?" The black-haired Saijin gave a nod. There was a moment when nothing seemed to happen at all. And then, the creature screamed, "BAAAAAAAAKKKAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

***

A squirrelly young fellow wearing a tacky mismatched-colored suit yipped enthusiastically to no one in particular. His hair was a gritty brown that didn't look natural, and he had quite a bit of razor stubble. "Hey-hey," he squeaked to no one in particular (as I said before), "Hey-hey." He ran a hand through his hair, dirt flakes falling like dandruff. His shifty eyes locked onto his next victim, I mean, customer. So with his eyes locked on his next customer he waddled over to the man even though there was no reason to waddle being that he was an extremely thin and scrawny man. "Hey-hey!" the man quipped, stopping his customer in his tracks, "You've got to try this!" The customer blinked, "Excuse me...What?" The squirrel boy sort of bounced like a nervous rabbit, "It's great! Simply astonishing! Won't you buy it?" The customer blinked again, "Buy what?" The true question at the moment was why the customer was being so civil. The customer asked himself this but found no answer. "Why, why..." the man fiddled with his pockets, searching something out, "..This!" Proudly beaming the squirrel-like man presented a short, slender object. "What is it?" the customer blankly questioned. The man shifted constantly while the customer sat like a stubborn rock. "Why..." the man said, an odd toothy grin breaking out across his face, "..It's a pen!" The customer folded his arms, "And does it have ink?" The squirrel boy frowned, his eyebrows scrunched in odd confusion, "Well....no." The customer blinked yet again, "Then why would I want it?" The false brunette looked at the ground and instantly burst into tears.

"I'm sorry!" the man blurted out, "I've been trying to sell that damn thing all day! I don't have money for surgery and I need it desperately!" A voice cut in, "Why don't you go to a sperm bank?" The customer cringed in disgust, his face paling to emphasize his nausea, "Ugh, Freeza....please." Another voice decided to comment, "Well...it is a...solution." The customer turned to face the female voice, "Quiet woman, that's disgusting." The customer and his companions began to walk away. The woman scoffed, "Why?" The customer growled, folding his arms, "Donating sperm...How in the Hell would you donate sperm?" Fading into the distance the blue-haired lady taunted, "It's something called masturbation, Vegeta..obviously sex is not your forte..."

***

The poor creature was reduced to wandering around, his spirits low and motivation dead. "Are you Anubisss?" it asked another random person on the street. Like usual, the person gawked and ran away in mute terror. If it could cry, it would have. "I give up!" the snake declared, its wings falling limp, trailing on the ground. Just then, a dirt devil whirled up, and another snake appeared. "Hello brother," the new arrival proclaimed. "Hello," replied he other gloomily. They sat in silence for a long while before a man finally approached them. "Anubissss?" both snakes asked. "Maxwell," the man corrected, giving the creatures a bow, "I was wondering..have you seen a silver hammer?" The snakes looked at each other, both realizing that this was an opportunity to get out of their boredom. Both of them started looking for a silver hammer in their inventory.

"No, the holy grail..."
"Hitler'sss remainssss..."
"Auto-biography of Chuck Palahniuk..."
"A crysstal skull..."
"The Losssst Ark..."
"Oh here...here'sss the Ten Commandmentsss..."
"Canopic jarssss...."
"SSSadaam Husssssssein's teeth..."
"Letterssss for Anubissss...."
"The Magna Carta..."
"The Lossst City of Atlantissss..."
"Dead Ssssea Ssscrollsss..."

The list went on and they stood there for a good thirteen minutes or so. Finally each snake conjured their preferred weapon, the last article in their inventories. Since they were twins, of course the weapon was exactly the same - a sort of double sided weapon, a mixture of a machete and a sledgehammer of sorts. "That'ssss it," the one proclaimed with a frown. "That'ssss it," the other repeated, matching its brother's frown. "That's it!' cried Maxwell with joy, tears glistening on his pale grey face. "Eh?" both snakes questioned, thoroughly confused.

***

As he lay back on the bed he gave a heavy sigh. He then scowled at himself for sighing. He didn't need to sigh, it was completely pointless. A scowl scowled at the scowl and he had to wonder once more why there was mirrors on the ceiling. Bulma was once again in the shower, leaving him to his thoughts such as "Do I have narcolepsy?", "What is the purpose of having mirrors on the ceiling?", "Why does that woman bathe so much?", and "What the Hell is masturbation?". Growling, Vegeta rolled over and pulled a pillow to his face, his arms wrapping around the feather-filled cloth. There was only one way to get answers to these questions, and as much as he disliked the idea, his curiosity was already killing him. Bulma stepped out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her head, but clad in nothing more. He sat up, still scowling he spat, "What is masturbation?" Before the blue-haired lady could respond however, something crashed through the window.

***

Pikkon sighed silently and folded his arms. He could only wish to somehow lose his so called partner and actually get down to business. It seemed like Goku ws more of a lost puppy than an associate, and his attention span seemed to be degrading by the hour. Twice they stopped their search to get a "bite to eat", and occasionally Goku would completely forget why he was there. "Are you feeling alright?" Pikkon finally asked, irritated. "Of course I am!" the black-haired Saijin said, giving a laugh. He rubbed the back of his neck and suddenly asked, "Uh...What did you just say?" Pikkon raised an eye ridge, "I asked if you were feeling alright." Goku laughed again, giving an enthusiastic nod, "Yeah, I feel just fine!" Pikkon seemed a bit skeptical. Just then one of the smarter Z warriors landed before them. "Hey," Piccolo said, "We have a problem."

***

A figure clad from heal to toe in black stood on the plush maroon carpet. At first they stared for a moment at Bulma's naked form before turning to Vegeta who was looking rather displeased and unimpressed. "You," she - well, presumably she because the voice was female and the form was donned with breasts - said. Pointing a finger dramatically she stated, "You die." Vegeta's eyes narrowed and he spoke quietly, "You know, I really don't need this shit." The black clad figure leapt at the prince, unsheathing a sword; but all she managed to do was stab the bed. "You know," Vegeta said, growling angrily, "They're going to charge us for that." The ninja girl tried again, but missed like she had on her first attempt. "Would you stop that? It's annoying," the brunette said, acting nice for Bulma's sake. Shocked, the ninja tried again, though it was futile. Just for the Hell of it, Vegeta let his attacker land a hit, though of course, it did nothing. "W-what?" the girl stuttered in shock as the black stopped when it met his skin. "Why the Hell are you trying to kill me?" Vegeta asked calmly, slowly grasping the end of the blade and bending it out of shape. "Uh...uh...You....You're Mr. Cortes, right?" the lady asked, "Room 212?" Vegeta sighed and shook his head, pointing towards the door, "My name is Vegeta, and this is room 213. You want across the hall." The ninja blinked, "Oh. Thanks. Mind if I chuck this in your trash?" Vegeta took the weapon and tossed it under the bed, "Go on."

The ninja bowed, "My sincere apologies, Mr. Vegeta." The prince waved his hand, "Please...just Vegeta. Now go." Silently the agile girl made an exit. Bulma breathed deeply for a moment before turning to the Saijin, "Masturbation is to give oneself sexual pleasure by stroking the genitals, usually to orgasm." Vegeta frowned as a new question came to mind, 'Why is the woman like a walking dictionary?' Another question, this time verbalized, "Why that Hell? Why the Hell would you do that when you can have sex with someone?" Bulma's lips turned into a sly smile. "..Why are you looking at me like that, woman?" Vegeta asked, becoming nervous. Bulma crawled up onto the bed, joining him, cooing sarcastically, "Poor Vegeta...never once has he pleased himself.." For some reason the prince found himself backing away from the lady genius. The wall stopped him from moving any farther. Bulma pulled the towel from her head and shook out her hair, grinning. "I think it's only fair if you're naked too, considering I am," the lady proclaimed, hands already moving to help him with the task she demanded. "Hey!" he protested. With your girlfriend being dominant you can say about one thing, and he repeated it: "Hey!" Bulma chuckled lightly, "Did you know..." Off went his shirt, "...that..." Pants got tossed onto the floor, "...masturbation..." Socks slipped off easily, "...masturbation is not only to give oneself sexual pleasure, but the term is also used if one gives another pleasure?" Boxers were nearly torn from his body. There were no words. None at all. Bulma grinned ferally at him, knowing full well that Vegeta was a very sexually inexperienced person. It was quite cute actually. Bulma acted to demonstrate the definition she had given.

Again, no words. Nothing. No sound save that for a small yelp and, "B-Bulma!"