How Long Must I Suffer? by Stormfreak Chapter Five: Gotta Have You "LOGAN!" Breathe. Breathe. Clear your mind. Make it all go away… "Logan, stop it!" WHAM! Whoo. That felt good. Little dizzy, but it's okay… "Somebody do something!" "Oh, mah Gawd!" "Logan! Stop dat! You gonna kill yo'self, homme!" What am I doing? I should be happy…she's going to be okay. Isn't she? She's gonna live, isn't she, Jeannie? I know you can hear me. You've been picking my brain all damn day. "Logan-" "Tell me she's gonna be okay!" Wolverine screamed, teetering on a berserker rage. "She's going to be fine! I keep telling you that! Now, calm down, Wolverine. Stop it! You're scaring everyone!" Wolverine took a deep breath and grabbed his forehead. "Jean, why isn't she awake?" "I don't have a clue, Logan. These things happen sometimes. But Ro's a trooper, Logan. You know that. She'll pull through." "She needs ya right now, Logan," Rogue interrupted. "Ya need t'go an' be with her when she wakes up." Logan sank to his knees. An unfamiliar tightening formed in his throat, and he felt his eyes begin to water. "She was bleedin' so bad, Jeannie…" "I know." Jean pulled Logan up and embraced him tightly. "I know. But she'll pull through…I know she will." She planted a soft kiss on his cheek. "Now go. Go be with her when she wakes up." "Cuz she's gonna wake up," Rogue interjected. "An' yer gonna be some pissed if you're not there. Her, too." Logan took the scene in. Rogue, Jean, Gambit, and Cyclops were staring at him. He felt his entire body trembling. Those pesky tears were threatening to fall down his face, and he couldn't stop them. God knows if he were to break down bawling, these weren't the people he'd want to be around. He turned and ran up the hall. * The second Logan opened the operating room, he was bowled over backwards by a flash of silver. Looking up, he saw a snarling, foaming-at-the-mouth toddler crouched on his chest. Upon obtaining eye contact, Neil nuzzled his wild head of hair against his father's chest, whimpering in fear. "Hey there, son," Logan said softly, rumpling his son's curls. He pressed Neil close to his chest and stood up, his son's faint cries meeting his sensitive ears. It had taken nearly a year for Neil to learn to accept – and later love- his father, and Logan would've done anything to make sure that his son never felt the pain he was experiencing now. Of course, he had absolutely no input in how this story would end. Ororo has endured four corrective surgeries in order to rectify her vaginal area. She had been right – she was beginning to look like a plastic doll between her thighs. By grafting the skin behind Ororo's knees and elbows, Beast (as well as a slew of plastic surgeons) was able to lessen the scars and keloids on Ororo's vaginal mound. It was smoother looking, but it did look like plastic. Somewhere between the second and third surgery, Ororo's sexual fears began to resurface. She couldn't stand having a herd of doctors constantly examining between her legs. She was also in quite a bit of pain due to all the grafting. She and Logan argued often – Logan couldn't stand to see Ororo in so much pain for something as silly as cosmetic purposes. Ororo had called Logan insensitive, and the engagement was called off after months of screaming and arguing. Now Logan approached the bed that held his son's mother. Neil leapt from his father's arms, and on powerful legs, sprung from the floor and landed feather-light next to his mother, who was sleeping. He laid his head on his mother's chest, and tiny, frustrated tears streamed down his mocha-colored face. It tore at Logan's heart. I should be able to fix anything – I'm his dad, for God's sake! Oh, God, just let her wake up, Logan found himself praying. Please, let me be able to tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am. I don't care if she never marries me, but she can't leave Neil and me like this, all alone. Ro, you can't die… Neil crept to the end of Ororo's bed and sat there, his dark gray eyes fixated on the door. He wasn't leaving his mother's side, as he never had since Ororo's very first surgery. Today, Cyclops had made the tragic error of trying to remove Neil from his mother's side, and Scott had to get sixteen stitches in his left hand as a result. Professor Xavier had diagnosed Neil as a very young mutant, but as for his autism, he wasn't too sure. "Neil is extremely intelligent, and he seems to be very aware of everything around him, Logan," Professor X assured him. "I just don't think he's autistic. Perhaps you should take him to see a speech therapist." Ororo had balked at the thought. "He will speak when and if the Bright Lady wills him to," she had declared, and left it at that. Just then, Ororo's eyes fluttered open. For a moment, she didn't speak; rather, she blinked her eyes and tried to focus. She hadn't made a sound, but Neil swung around sharply, then rushed to his mother and began to snuggle underneath her chin. His eyes turned from gray to blue, and a huge smile crossed his face. "Oh, Neil," Ororo said weakly, lifting her arm – wired with an IV - to stroke her son's head. "How is the light of my life?" Logan cleared his throat then. "Ororo," he said gruffly. Ororo's eyes met his. "Logan?" she said softly. "How ya feelin'?" Ororo lowered her eyes to her son. "I'm tired," she admitted. "And you?" How am I? I'm goin' crazy, that's how I am! Did you know how long you've been unconscious? How long I've had to consider living life without you? Do you know long I've had to think about what I was going to tell my son if his mother died? "I'm fine," he said, proud to the end. Neil's head swung from left to right, observing the bad vibes between his mother and father. Beast walked in then. "Ahh! Miss Munroe! How good it is to have you back in the land of the living!" He knelt and placed a gentle kiss on Ororo's hand, making Logan bite his lower lip. His large hand mussed Neil's head, and Neil swatted Beast's hand away with irritation in his eyes. It made Logan smile. "Give me a couple of minutes, and I'll come back with the results of the surgery, okay?" Beast smiled tenderly and disappeared. Ororo fixated her eyes on her son, smiling and singing to him in French. She felt Logan's eyes on her, and tried her best to ignore his burning gaze. Bright Lady, please do not let me fall in love with him again. Do not let his look melt my heart and make me light-headed. I cannot go through this again – I cannot! Logan deserves a different woman; a normal woman, for heaven's sakes! Not me; not ever me- "Hank?" Logan's voice was soft as Beast entered the room. "Is…is that what I think it is?" He felt a little dizzy himself. Hell, downright sick. "Absolutely right," Beast said, his eyes dancing. "A five pound, eight ounce little girl with the most beautiful face that you've ever seen." He placed the small bundle, wrapped in a plush, pink blanket in Ororo's arms. The pregnancy had gone quite badly due to all the injuries to Ororo's reproductive system. After nineteen hours in labor, it was decided that a C-section would be best. Ororo gave a tiny smile as she took her daughter in her arms, pulling the cloth off her face and hair. "Logan," she called softly. "Help me name her, please." Logan peered down at the sleeping child. Her hair was black as midnight, plastered smoothly against her head. She was browner than a berry, a smooth chocolate. She was so beautiful that Logan gasped audibly. The sound woke up his daughter, and her eyes fluttered open. Blue. Blue as the sky, as any body of water, as any sky across any part of the world. Just like her mother… Neil had been very quiet and still the entire time. Now, he peered at his tiny baby sister, leaning over to sniff the newborn. His eyes grew wide, and, giggling happily, he began to rain kisses on the baby. "Chiaki," Logan suddenly blurted. "Chiaki?" Ororo questioned. "One of the names of your ex-girlfriends?" Logan ignored the barb. "It means 'very fine in autumn.' Today is September 21st. The first day of fall," he mumbled. Ororo stared at Logan for the longest. Finally, she looked down at their daughter. "Chiaki," she said, and it sounded like music on her lips. "Chiaki N'Dare Munroe. Is that okay?" "'s fine." Logan felt something bubbling in his throat and in his heart. "Ororo, I don't want us to be like this." Ororo gave a low sigh as she took in the sight of her two children. "Logan…" she said softly. "We shouldn't be together, and you know it. Coming back to the X-Men with you was a mistake…" About eight weeks after Logan had brought Ororo back to America, they discovered that she was pregnant. Logan had wanted to marry Ororo before Chiaki was born, but Ororo wasn't too fond of the thought of marriage just because she was pregnant. As a result, Logan felt like he was about as much of this pregnancy as he was the last one. Ororo hadn't wanted Logan to accompany her to any doctor's meets, and rarely let him know how she was feeling during the duration of her pregnancy. In fact, Ororo hadn't bothered to tell Logan when her water broke, and she went into labor, Logan was on patrol with the male members of the X-Men. "You've always pushed me away," Logan said softly, the truth cutting though the air like a knife. "Since day one, you've always pushed me away-" "I don't recall day one being very pleasant," Ororo snapped. "'Ro, damn it!" Logan took a deep breath. "How many times do I have to tell you I'm sorry? I'm sorry, but I can't apologize forever! You told me you wanted to be with me and now-" "And now I do not think it is a good idea," Ororo finished. "Why not!? Ororo, we have not one, but TWO children we have to raise! And no matter how hard you try, you will never push me away. I'm gonna be here for my kids, no matter what!" "What about me?" She said it so softly that Logan thought he was mistaken. "Beg ya pardon?" Ororo lowered her head, so that her hair covered her face, but her tears splattered across Chiaki, making them visible. "Will you be there…for me, Logan?" she whispered. "For all the times that I'm just not myself? Can you handle me constantly flipping the script – loving you one day and hating you the next?" Her body began to tremble with checked sobs. "I cannot bear the thought of you leaving me – oh, I know I let you years ago, and it unfair. I see that now. But if you ever tried to get me back by leaving me, Logan-" was all she managed to say before she broke down completely. "Ororo?" Logan said, but she didn't respond. Logan sat in the bed beside Ororo and cradled her face against his chest. "Stop that cryin'," he said gruffly. "Stop it, okay? I ain't going nowhere, ya heard that? Ain't nothin' ya can do to make me leave you. I searched an entire continent to find you, girl." He tilted her tear-stained face to his and kissed her deeply, the first time in months. "Oh, Logan, I love you so much," Ororo whispered in his ear. "Forgive me for all the pain I've put you through, please forgive me." "It's already done," Logan smiled, chuckling low in her throat. Neil stared at his father, and then imitated his laugh to the T. "Logan?" "Yeah?" Logan looked over at Ororo then. She was nursing Chiaki, while Neil had crawled into his father's lap. "Will you marry me?" "What-are you serious?!" Logan found himself stuttering. "'Ro, I've been trying to drag yer ass down that aisle forever!" "I know," Ororo smiled coquettishly. "And always on your terms. I've always wanted you to marry me on my terms." "Well, shit!" Logan cried. "I don't care whose terms its on!" He began to laugh, so wildly that the tears that forced him down the hall in the first place began to fall down his face. How can I be crying? he thought dumbly. I have a new baby girl, 'Ro has finally agreed to marry me… "Mommy, Daddy's crying." …and my son just talked! "Don't cry, Daddy," Neil commanded, as if he'd been talking forever. "Don't cry." He threw his arms around his father, his eyes full of concern…and love? Yes, love. "Okay, Neil," Logan said gently. "I won't cry anymore." He laughed and wiped his eyes. "Too much cryin' goin' on in this room as it is." "Goody!" Neil scurried from Logan's lap and leapt on to the bed next to his mother, who was completely speechless. Neil threw back his head and laughed, kissing his mother on the cheek, and then his sister. Out of nowhere, he began to sing to Chiaki: "Daisy, Daisy, Give me your answer true. I'm half-crazy All for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage I can't afford a carriage But you'll look sweet Upon the seat Of a bicycle built for two." It was loud, boisterous, and completely off-key. And coming from a boy who, just an hour ago, hadn't spoken a word since his birth, it was music to his Logan and Ororo's ears. epilogue coming soon