From the Floating Log at Frogmorton

On a dark mountain pathway

Bright blue glow from Sting

Orcs were marching right along that road

I had to put on the Ring.

Up above in the distance

I saw Mount Doom far away

The world turned grey and my sight grew dim

I had to get out of the way.

Something blocked up the doorway

Something heavy and fell

And I was thinking to myself

This is the entrance to Hell.

They lifted up the Master

And they bore him away

There were voices down the corridor

I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel Cirith Ungol

Such a dwimmer place

(such a dwimmer place)

Such a fell disgrace.

Plenty of orcs at the Hotel Cirith Ungol

Any time of year

Any time of year

You can find 'em here.

The pathway turned and it twisted

Around dozens of bends

I was much too mad to be afraid

'Cause orcs ain't nobody's friends.

Watchers screamed in the courtyard

When I held up the light

I hollered Gilthoniel a Elbereth

And I was ready to fight.

So I called to an orc chief

In anger and defiance

He said

We haven't seen your kind in here

Since the Last Alliance.

And still the Master was hidden far, far away

I went charging up long dark stairs

Just to hear them say

"Welcome to the Hotel Cirith Ungol!"

Then I missed my home

(Then I missed my home)

So I made a poem

They're dying in heaps in the Hotel Cirith Ungol

Then I sung real clear

(Then I sung real clear)

And heard a feeble cheer.

Door was in the ceiling

Ladder to the tower

Frodo was a prisoner there

In the Dark Lord's power.

I find my naked master

After all those climbs and turns

So we hug and kiss each other

While the reader squirms.

Next thing I remember

We were running for the door.

We had to find those stairs back down

To the place I was before

Halt! said the Watchers

We aren't programmed to receive

And we can't be sure how you got in

But you will never leave.

Welcome to the Hotel Cirith Ungol, etc.