From the Floating Log at Frogmorton

If I Only Had the Ring

I could while away the hours

Rewriting The Two Towers

With me as the High King.

And the rest of the Istari

Would all be really sorry

If I only had the Ring.

If Ugluk doesn’t blow it

(But he will – I know it)

Then I’ll soon have the Ring.

I gave them a simple job, it

Was to get a hobbit

So now where is that Ring?

Oh I shouldn’t have sent

Those orcs, and irked the Ents.

But Middle-Earth needs more technology

So I will make no apology.

I won’t have to hear Mithrandir

Saying “Give me that Palantir”

If I only get the Ring.

But now where are my orcs?

What a bunch of useless dorks!

Can’t trust them with anything.

When I get that Ringbearer

There will be a reign of terror

As soon as I have the Ring

But there’s no margin for error;

Sauron is not a sharer

So I’d better get that Ring!

****************

Boromir & Gollum join in:

Life is sad, believe me Frodo,

When you're whole family's gone loco

From waiting for a King

With a sword that was broken. 

Well, I wouldn't need that Tolkien token

If I only had that Ring.

I'm afraid there's no denying, that I was written in for dying,

Fate's a lousy thing

But I could be savior of Gondor, there'd be no need to ponder,

If I only had the Ring.

Oh I - could kill the Orcs,

Chase the forces of Darkness off,

I'd throw out all the goblins and the Wargs,

And then I'd save Rohan as well.

I'd defeat all Sauron's minions,

The Nazgul, I'd clip their pinions,

Those Beasts could not take wing,

I'd use it for the right, not serve Darkness, but serve Light,

If I only had the Ring.

*************

When a Gollum's lost his precious,

The problem isn't specious,

And ‘tis a terrible thing.

Just because we're presuming,

That we would not be glooming,

If we only had that Ring.

We'd be handsome, we'd be brainy,

And not quite so insaney,

Regarding everything.

We'd be friends with the Elveses,

Who are so full of themselveses,

If we only had that Ring.

Picture us, with hobbitses,

As they says to us,

"Gollum is greates'."

We hears it, my Precious!

Just to experience the power,

See them tremble when we glower,

And to control it all,

We would stay young and handsome

(Should've paid Bagginses the ransom)

If we only had the Ring.