The Epitome

Self-Insertion: The Epitome
And a little ballad by me for your likin’.
(By Lena Ban Obsidian)

Self Insertion-
The E-pit-o-me
Is something that frightens and worries poor me
If I am inside it
What if it comes true?
And there is a reason to present this to you
Self-insertion ahead; I couldn’t just not
I just hope that my paranoia is all that I’ve got
And not some uncanny predictive pow’r
And so, here’s the fic- (Authoress wilts likes a flower)

DISCLAIMER:
Ralli: Rah-lee
Iyrlen: Aye-er-lyn

Oh, and I know this is hopelessly cliché, but I really thought it was funny…

There is a perfectly good reason for the title, but I forgot it. Anyway, you should know that the GW characters aren’t mine- fortunately for them- whereas the others characters are. And I swear anyone who so much as mentions my characters in their fic without permission, so help me I’ll…
Ahem.
That is all.

Self-Insertion: The Epitome

The boys had assembled, as Heero asked. The stoic boy’s usual expressionless expression told them nothing of the news they were about to receive. Duo, being the direct one-
“What the hell do you want, Yuy?” Seeing as the Japanese boy had woken the majority of them (not Trowa, but like to like, no doubt…) from their sleep a tad earlier than they appreciated, even pious, sweet-tempered Quatre was looking rather grumpy.
Startled, the Japanese boy found himself speaking in response to the gruff words.
“We have received a new mission from the Doctors. I thought you’d want to check before accepting- just in case.”
The others stared, uncomprehending. Where had that ever-presumptuous Ninmu Ryoukai gone? Trowa blinked, and opened his mouth to ask a question, but the slightly-glazed looking pilot paid him no heed and held up a piece of printer paper, beginning to read aloud.
“For all pilots: You are to pick up a young girl matching this photo, at safe house eighty-four and escort her to hideout thirteen. You must help her to remember her past. This mission is vital to our cause-”
Duo lunged forward to catch Heero as he swayed, looking ready to fall.
“Heero-kun, are you all right?” The Japanese boy nodded slightly, and Duo set him down on a chair before letting go. I should never have gone to that NIN concert, Heero reflected inwardly. Looking down at the paper, tired though he was, he picked up where he had left off.
“Do your best to help her. Scientists out.” The five pilots watched in varied shades of disgusted annoyance as the paper shriveled partially, hesitating when it did not hear the afore-mentioned Ninmu Ryoukai. The four other pilots exchanged confused looks and shrugged; Heero sighed the words, sounding reluctant even to his own ears.
The paper shriveled into glittering dust, satisfied. Alternately, the desolate pilots groaned and stifled their groans.
“This is going to be hell,” Duo commented, stretching.

The group had appeared out in front of the identified safe house where the girl was supposed to be waiting. But no one- NO ONE –had the courage to go inside and bring her out. Finally, figuring he would protest the least, Wufei shoved Quatre towards the door, and the other four hid.
Sighing resignedly, the blond moved to the door and knocked tentatively. There was an answering chime from within that sounded rather low for a female voice, and the door opened to reveal and girl that towered over the tiny Arabian by what seemed at least a foot. Her gently curling brown hair was wet; her green eyes narrowed in suspicion, which emotion also curved her lips in an almost-frown. The poor, tiny pilot smiled and attempted a polite greeting.
“Hello. I’m Quatre Raberba Winner; one of the five men in your escort.” Winking conspirationally as he saw her eyebrow raise, the boy added loudly enough for Duo to hear: “The others are hiding over there,” He gestured broadly towards where the other pilots sat.
The American jumped up, already cursing Quatre’s insult in three different tongues- when he realized he’d blown his cover. The girl put her hands on her hips with a mocking smile and called gently to them.
“I don’t bite.” With an equally conspiring wink back to her little blond escort, she murmured evilly, “In daylight.” She displayed a very realistic looking set of fake-vampire teeth with a big, cheery smile, which turned into a smirk of satisfaction when Quatre blanched at the implications. He quickly recovered his composure and gestured peremptorily for the others to join him and their new acquaintance.
“This is Trowa Barton, Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, and Chang Wufei.” She nodded at each implied boy, her eyes shining with something dangerous that Heero couldn’t quite identify and the others feared was a glint of Heero-when-he’s-bombed-something. Her face, however, remained completely blank, confusing the boys all the more.
“Nice to meet you. I am Lena Obsidian. Let me get my things, and we can be…off.” The last was said abstractly as she watched the different reactions from the boys. Duo looked willing to help, Wufei ready to retch, Quatre rather doubtful, and Heero and Trowa- exchanged an equally emotionless, albeit suspicious glance with each other. She smiled vivaciously at the American and spoke again, her deep voice lightening a bit.
“Will you help me, Duo? I have two suitcases, and they’re both pretty light…” A bright, friendly smile lit the braided boy’s face and he followed her inside.
The other boys wordlessly exchanged a look and stepped inside.

Somehow, things hadn’t gone quite according to plan. Duo and Lena had made fast friends, and begun playing video games together immediately, though Lena gave up her control to Heero the moment he asked for it.
Partially, this was because he aimed a gun at her head while doing so.
Wufei confronted the girl as she whisked herself off to the kitchen, loudly. This resulted in a chain reaction of events that caused a need for the trip to be delayed at least a night.
“Woman!” The Chinese boy sneered, looking up from his sword. Lena paused, turning. “Bet you’re going off to cook something, eh? Just as well…that’s about all your kind is good for!”
A deadly calm expression was on the girl’s face, and she allowed just a hint of smile to tug at her lips.
“You think so.” Instead of a question, it was a statement. Eyes narrowed, Wufei nodded. Now Lena smiled, and it was a terrible thing to see- especially since she still had those fake vampire teeth in her mouth. The girl threw her hand out towards him, pointing a long finger- the middle one, he noticed abstractly- directly between his eyes. A butterfly dagger erupted from the fabric of her long-sleeved shirt, well oiled, sharpened, and polished.
“Fight me.” For a moment, the boy regarded her with complete confusion, and then he lunged, trying to catch her off guard.
Amazingly, she countered his blade effectively, even though she only had the dagger. With a movement too fast to be seen, Lena had disarmed the proud Chinese boy, and laid her blade against his throat, smiling toothily.
And she turned and walked away.
Quatre, who had been watching all this, decided to follow her, wondering if she would take off her fake vampire teeth or not. And Trowa, who saw that Wufei had fainted right in the doorway to the kitchen, paused in preparing dinner and removed his comrade from the room.
Lena left her door just slightly open, knowing that the suspicious blond was following her, and made a show of donning a cape- maroon lined with silver- that she owned.
In the hallway, Quatre gulped and went to look for a stake.

From high above- or maybe it was far below- two children watched. If one came closer to them, it became apparent that they were not what they appeared to be, only so in form. Their eyes were far too wise and mischievous to be those of younglings.
“Ralli, I would like to play.” The girl smiled, silver eyes twinkling, at the little boy. He shrugged, though a hint of a smile lurked in the shadow of his face. His golden orbs were sparkling dangerously.
“How shall we play?” Shrugging, the girl turned her attention back to the scene.
“Let’s switch some people?” This was said with an earnest yearning: those had been fun days, when they were allowed to do such things. But consciences had a tendency to get in the way of such things…Usually.
The shrewd boy eyed her speculatively out of lowered lids. He lay back, stretching, and blinked at her, giving a come-hither look. Giggling, the girl swirled her hands and randomly picked two targets for switching.
“Iyrlen, how reckless of you,” Ralli purred, catching her arm. The two changed to more appropriate forms and waited for the drama to play out.

She had turned the water off ten minutes ago, he reasoned. Surely there was something wrong-

Just the shirt left, Lena thought happily. She slid the black, basically gothic shirt over her head and-

There was a flash.

There was a scream, and a crash, and Trowa stumbled backwards, landing ungracefully in a chair. His face mirrored his astonishment, as he looked down at his hands, then brushed at his hair, then charged into the bathroom where-
Where Lena was standing, face blank, though a confused air surrounded her. She stared at the mirror, raised a tentative hand to touch her face, and paled slightly.
“What on-“ She stopped, feeling her throat. “Even my voice is different…” Her confusion would have been very evident were it not for the iron masks she seemed to have in effect. Trowa, on the other hand, glanced from her to the mirror at himself, and back again, then cried out in astonished almost-glee.
“Ye Gods! What in the name of hellfire-?” They turned simultaneously to stare at each other, eyes wide with shock.
“Are you-“ Both reached for each other with their left hands, complete bafflement evident. Trowa regained control first.
“Trowa? Is that you in there?” Suspiciously, Lena replied,
“Yes…” Trowa shook his head.
“What happened?” Lena gave an almost-but-not-quite shrug. Trowa fell silent for a little while, puzzled contemplation taking the fore of his thoughts. Lena slowly started to feel herself, blinking and looking down at her body.
“I’ve been put in the body of an angel,” She breathed softly. Trowa noticed what she was doing and smacked her upside the head.
“Oi! That’s no angel you’re in, that’s my body, and I’ll thank you not to try masturbating in it!” Lena looked at him oddly, and turned back to the mirror, eyes wide with reverence.
“I can’t believe it,” She murmured, and finally shook herself. Turning to Trowa, she noticed that he was irritably brushing at his hair, trying to get it out of his eyes. “There’s no point, I’ve never been able to fix it short of cutting it.” Trowa harrumphed and regarded himself in the mirror.
A smile crept onto his face, and he began posing, crossing his arms over his chest and tilting his shoulders back just so, then putting his hands on his hips and giggling a moment.
“Damn, this is fun! Trowa, you are really sexy!” He made a kissy face at the bewildered looking girl, and walked out of the bathroom.
“Where are you going?” The girl ventured. An evil chuckle drifted back to her.
“I’m gonna find Quatre and freak him out. He already thinks I’m a vampire…what do you think he’ll believe if I make you act like you’ve been bitten?”
For a moment, Lena stared, uncomprehending, after him, and then realization dawned. She lunged after him- and into a wall. Reeling, she thought crossly that walls were probably her least favorite creations- a drifting chuckle told her that Trowa, on the other hand, found them to be rather amusing.

Carefully, the blond boy sipped his tea. He was trying to avoid the vampire girl…Wufei sat across the room from him, sharpening a sword and looking generally distant. Thinking about Nataku or something, the Arabian concluded.
Trowa carefully stepped into the room, closing the door behind him and locking it. Giving him a vague but happy smile, Quatre set his cup down on the coaster nearest him.
“Trowa,” Wufei nodded to him. Trowa only blinked.
“Hi, Trowa.” The brunette barely inclined his head, allowing an almost-but-not-really-quite-a-smile-type-grin to pass over his lips. “Where’s the girl?” At the inquiry, Wufei looked up, unconsciously readying his sword. That evil, towering menace had severely wounded the Chinese boy’s pride.
“Somewhere around,” Trowa replied vaguely, taking a seat next to Quatre and fixing him with an intense look.
Quatre blinked and found that he couldn’t bring himself to look away…
“Trowa,” He squeaked. “Why are you looking at me like that?” The green-eyed boy was leaning closer, closer…so close…
Intrigued by this display, Wufei looked on, watching as Quatre blanched and blushed at the same time, a feat that had seemed until that point completely impossible.
“I will have you.” And the brunette latched his mouth firmly onto Quatre’s neck, eliciting a scream of pure terror from the blond. As Quatre bolted for the door, Trowa burst into laughter, cackling madly at his fellow pilot.
Wufei merely returned to his sword.
Trowa watched with unholy glee as Quatre unbolted the door and opened it on Lena, whose features were puzzled, blank, and yet somehow slightly concerned. The Arabian boy recoiled from her, collapsing onto the couch-on top of Trowa-
“Lena!” The girl growled in a way-too-dangerous-voice. Trowa sat bolt upright and swallowed, still mirthful but also meek.
“Umn…”
“Quit messing with people’s heads!” She finished, eyes burning in a way that said ‘You mess with Quatre, you die.’ Trowa nodded, his mirth diminishing.
“Okay, Trowa. I’m sorry. It was just so irresistibly open, though-“
“Lena,” She gritted out. Trowa hung his head and murmured something that sounded extremely apologetic. Quatre fainted on the spot, and the two brunettes glanced down at him with real concern in both their faces. Wufei merely polished his sword and wondered when he would wake up from this dream.

Heero glanced from Trowa- Lena, rather- to Lena- who was really Trowa…blinked, and shook his head in utter disbelief.
“You two are both insane.” Duo, however, was staring wide-eyed at Trowa, and Quatre was weakly regarding Lena with a faint smile. The girl reassuringly squeezed his hand, offering a tiny smile.
“How charming, Heero. Look, whatever happened, being a guy is starting to wear on my nerves. Can we fix this, or is Trowa going to marry Quatre and be able to conceive?”
The two mentioned pilots blushed fiercely- it seemed Trowa’s control of Lena’s body was rather weak and he couldn’t exert his normal iron will to stop the redness from filling his face with color. Duo grinned evilly and exchanged a knowing look with Trowa- Lena, Heero corrected himself mentally. Wufei was still in the other room, polishing his sword- the news hadn’t seemed to cause any effect on him, but when Lena- that is, Trowa- had gone into the room, he’d noticed a large drawing on the west wall that appeared to be marker. Reportedly, Wufei’s hands had been suspiciously the same blue of the picture.
“I don’t know,” Heero admitted, weary.
“Well, can’t you- oh, I don’t know- Hack some data on this or something? Cause let me tell you- it is really disturbing to have this here, and that-“ Duo giggled madly and Heero decided to cut her off as quickly as possible.
“All right, I’ll try. I promise.” He stalked off to his laptop and wondered what the hell was going on, leaving an annoyed Trowa-Lena and confused Lena-Trowa.
He was getting a headache.

Ralli ‘hmmn’ed appreciatively.
“This might take a while,” Iyrlen noted, no regret whatsoever in her voice. “You’d think she would guess how to fix it right off, but no~o, she has to do it the hard way.”
“Remember, she’s been in that realm for some time now. She’s allowed to fumble around if she wants.”
Iyrlen grumbled and the boy-though his form was now more appropriately that of a man- kissed her. She melted into the kiss and promptly forgot about Lena and her current strife.

Lena and Quatre sat quietly in Trowa’s room, afraid to speak with each other. The blond took her hand and squeezed it slightly, smiling at her. Lena looked down, blushing a bit, and then rewarded him with her own tiny smile.
“Trowa…” She looked up.
“Quatre?” The blond found that the green eyes that Lena’s body possessed were the same color as Trowa’s eyes. Uncanny.
“I just hope that…That whatever happens…” Lena watched him, waited for him to continue.
“That whatever happens…we can be…” They were tilting their heads, leaning in close…
Trowa and Duo burst in the door, startling both to their feet. Trowa’s eyes widened impossibly, and then he glared at Lena.
“You were going to kiss him, weren’t you?”
Lena was silent, but she felt the warmth or a blush creeping up her cheeks.
“YOU WERE GOING TO FRENCH KISS USING MY BODY?!??!!? HOW DARE YOU!” But Trowa didn’t leap forward to strangle Lena, and Quatre figured he knew why. If she killed her own body, she’d be stuck in Trowa’s. Lucky for him. Duo was waiting patiently for Trowa to calm down.
“Lena?” He ventured. Suddenly completely placid, s/he turned to him.
“Yes?”
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” For a moment, she merely stared blankly at him. Comprehension dawned quickly, however, and she smiled broadly at him- an odd thing to see when it was Trowa’s body that was acting so friendly.
“Trowa, where do you keep your clothes?”

Trowa tilted his head to the side, regarding himself in the mirror.
“No way, I look so~o damn hot!” Duo nodded agreement shrewdly from behind him. The body of Trowa was wearing a pair of tight black leather pants, and a red button shirt that was completely unbuttoned. A red, long-sleeved button shirt that Trowa- Lena, rather –had dug up from the real Trowa’s (Not the original one, mind you…) suitcase.
“This is great! The only problem is I’m not looking at a guy who’s posing, I am the guy who’s posing. Duo, this sucks! I-“ The girl-within-the-body-of-a-guy paled. “I’m falling,” She whispered faintly.
Duo rushed to catch him/her, managing to stop the poor body-switched girl from hitting the floor. He was worried to find that she was trembling in his hands.
“What’s…happening…” She whispered hoarsely.
“Quatre! Where’s Trowa?” Duo called, trying not to panic. The blond rushed into the room, and blinked.
“Duo? What’s going on?” The American shook his head angrily.
“That can wait, where’s Trowa?”
“He’s right-“ Quatre began, then realized what his comrade meant. “I think in his room, why?” Annoyed, Duo motioned to the now wildly convulsing Lena (who was still in Trowa’s body. Man, this is roundabout).
Worried, the blond ran to check on Trowa, and found him lying on the floor, shivering occasionally. When he touched the girl’s (boy’s) shoulder, s/he jumped awake, looked wildly about the room, and then slowly focused on Quatre.
“Quatre,” S/he said haltingly. “I think something’s wrong.”

    *
   THE ART OF
   CANDORLI
    *
**A Guide to Causing and Reversing**
   Body Switching

Heero looked up from his screen to Duo and Quatre, who both looked worried but relieved enough to make him scroll down, in the hopes of making them happier than they currently were.
Lena and Trowa had been suffering attacks constantly since the first the night before, and were lying in their beds, waiting for the word from the others. Quatre and Duo had wisely decided not to let the two wander around when they kept nearly fainting every ten minutes or so; Lena and Trowa both were becoming very pale, and looked increasingly confused by anything they saw.
Now, there was an explanation why.

** Body switching can be a very dangerous trick. While it is very easy to cause, if you have any strong belief to turn to, it is extremely difficult to reverse. Part of this is because of what begins to happen after a short period of time has elapsed: Those who have been body switched will begin to take on the personality traits of the body in which they have been placed. This is called drawing, rather accurately, because what is basically happening is a drawing on the recent memory of the body’s previous personality to adapt the new personality to the body’s liking.
Drawing usually manifests in a series of fits, or sudden screaming.
In order to switch personalities back into the bodies they originally came from, it is necessary that:
First, both personalities truly want to return to their old bodies
Second, neither body has engaged in sexual discourse since the switch was made
Third, the bodies must both be in the clothing they were in when the change was made
And finally, both bodies must be sprinkled with three pinches of salt for each body after four a.m. but before six a.m. And these words must be recited to the tune of ‘Old MacDonald had a farm’ by all that have spoken with the two in the time since they’ve been switched:
   Change us back into to ourselves
   Bibbity Bobbity Boo
   Leave the new and stop this hell
   Bibbity Bobbity Boo
   With a Dragon’s Tongue
   And a Gryphon’s Claw
   Eye of newt
   Rats to boot
   Lots and lots of corn
   Please don’t turn us into kelp
Bibbity Bobbity Boo

And if all these things are done properly (all you have to do is follow the instructions exactly) then the two personalities will revert to their original bodies.
In order to switch two personalities into different bodies—

Heero turned to the other two and shrugged. Duo looked extremely skeptical, while Quatre looked ready to try anything. Trowa had been taking on a few of Lena’s more…’charming’ personality traits in the past few hours. Singing the crazy song would do no damage to his pride- he wanted Trowa back, and without any of the psychopath tendencies Lena had.
“Then we’ll do it?” Heero asked. Quatre nodded, and both turned expectantly to Duo, waiting for his response. He was frowning, thinking about something else…or, Quatre reasoned, maybe not. Maybe something we’ve missed.
“Duo? Aren’t you going to help?” The American boy scowled fiercely at whatever he was thinking.
“I’ll help. But we aren’t the only ones who’ve been in contact with them since they switched, remember?”
Heero and Quatre groaned in chorus.

“Wufe~ei!”
No answer.
“Wufe~ei!”
Silence.
“WufeiopentheGoddamneddoororI’llbustyourskullinsohelpmeGodyounogoodsonofabitch-“
Duo broke the door down, still cursing steadily and rather loudly. Quatre was staring at him in horror, while Heero looked somewhat proud.
Wufei was drawing on the west wall with his marker.
“Wufei?” Quatre asked hopefully. There was no response.
“Wu-man, we gotta talk,” Duo said into the silence, finally having gotten control of his angry mouth. The Chinese boy put down his marker and slowly turned.
“Yes?” He asked softly, looking very lost. No wonder, Quatre thought to himself. He lost in his duel with Lena. Not even a full grown woman- a girl.
“Wufei, we need your help,” Heero ventured.
“Oh. Go ask Lena, then. I’m too weak.” He made as if to return to his drawing when Quatre interrupted him.
“Wait! Lena can’t help us, Wufei. She doesn’t know how to do what needs to be done! But…you do…” The Chinese boy blinked obsidian eyes and stared unnervingly through Quatre.
“What do you need me to do?” He asked slowly.
“You have to help us sing a song,” Heero patiently explained. Duo was watching it all with disbelief- it seemed this was going to be much easier than he had thought.
“Okay,” Wufei said, following them out.

It was five a.m. The time was right.
Quatre sprinkled three pinches of salt over Lena’s body, which was now clothed in a black gothic T-shirt and jean shorts- the outfit she had been wearing when the switch occurred. Duo sprinkled three pinches of salt over Trowa’s body, which was now clothed- much to Trowa/Lena’s disappointment- in the jeans and turtleneck he had been wearing when she ‘moved in’.
The four boys held the copy of the words- that was on printer paper, of course- in the light, so they could read it, and at Heero’s cue broke into horribly discordant song.
Trowa and Lena both shuddered as the horrendous rendition of the song traveled through the air, both wishing desperately for earplugs. A swirling light entered the room, blinding them, followed once again by a scream- everyone vaguely wondered where it had come from- and Trowa and Lena blinked simultaneously, then turned to each other, and breathed a sigh of relief.
“Thank God I’m not you,” They murmured in chorus.
Wufei blinked once and glared around at everyone.
“What’s going on? Where am I?” Quatre noted that Wufei seemed back to his normal self.
Now both brunettes turned pained looks on the others, and then gave each other long-suffering looks.
“I think we’d better teach them how to sing, in case this ever happens again,” Lena murmured to Trowa. He nodded, looking equally upset by the atonal song they had been forced to hear only moments earlier. Quatre, Duo, Heero and Wufei sweat dropped, prepared to run-
And suddenly Lena remembered her old Goddess days.
Chuckling evilly, she halted the boys in mid-stride and whisked all of them away to hideout thirteen, where she was supposed to have been escorted. There happened to be a choir room with amazing acoustics there, and Trowa was perfectly happy to assist in teaching the other four pilots how to sing- and sing WELL. Being a Goddess, Lena conveniently had the power to stop time until those boys got it all right. It took hard work, but finally she had taught all four how to properly use their voices and even showed Trowa, Quatre and Duo how to sing countertenor. She then restarted time with a final thank you for restoring her memory, and disappeared promptly.
Heero’s laptop beeped.
“Yes?” He asked of Doctor J’s image. The old scientist adjusted his goggles with his claw and smiled.
“Did she teach you how to sing?” The others crowded around the screen, glaring in suspicion at the scientist.
“Yes…”
“Splendid! Now, proceed to Quick’s music store on third street and Thomas, and ask for Jeanette! You’ve been booked for classes there, you know- they plan on performing a new version of West Side Story!” The image flickered off the screen, and wordlessly the pilots hauled themselves off down to third street and Thomas.

After Notes and Pointless Madness:

Lena and I are slightly different people, in ways that would take too long to write down here. Just so you know, I really adore Quatre and would never terrify him with vampire fangs, so please don’t write any angry letters!

And now, that Madness I mentioned:

Trowa: Where are we?
Heero: The stage of Phoenix Symphony Hall.
Other boys: O.O;;
Heero:…
Booming voice from off stage: And now- our FEATURE PRESENTATION!
Big Red Curtains draw aside, boys look down to realize that (eep!) they are in costume. Music starts up in the back.
Duo and Quatre: (Begin dancing, to their horror.)
Trowa: What am I gonna sa-ay?
Heero: (Looks at him oddly)
Trowa: I’ve been labeled that way.
Wufei: (Tries to creep offstage)
Lena: I don’t think so…(whacks him with Justice Scepter)
Wufei: (is whacked)
Trowa: (getting into the song, and the irony of it.) A screamin’, roarin’, Dixie chick…
Heero, Wufei, Quatre and Duo: (gape)
Trowa: I’m an angry dyke.
Heero: (much to his surprise) who’s in charge of the world?
Duo: (looks like he wants to cry)
Heero: Labeled me as that girl-
Wufei: (Severely outraged, tries to get offstage again)
Lena: You’re a slow learner, aren’t you? (Whacks him with Justice Scepter repeatedly, until he is unconscious)
Wufei: (is whacked unconscious)
Heero: Nothin’ better to do than howlin’ at you-
Trowa and Heero: I’m an angry dyke
Quatre: I’m not depressed- or that insane
Duo: Yeah right, Zero boy.
Quatre: (glaring) still got my birth name
Duo, Heero and Trowa: (look sheepish)
Quatre: My nails are clear- no black veneer
Duo: (tries to stop dancing, can’t, looks down and realizes he is wearing the legendary GREEN SHOES from the Porky Pig cartoon*)
Quatre: I don’t like gangsters
Wufei: (sleep talking) Hey, I’m an angry dyke
Heero: (leveling gun at Lena) Oh, bet you’re scared now
Wufei: (still sleep talking) Yay, I’m an angry dyke
Trowa: (eyeing Quatre) I don’t mind men-
Wufei: (yep. Still sleep talking- and he’s singing rather well) But say I’m an angry dyke
Lena: (laughs at Heero, steps SideWays->Charles DeLint)
Duo: And though I’m not so angry when I start-
All five: I’ll lose my temper…
Lena: (reappears and looks very innocent)
Audience: (gives wild applause)
Quatre: So I wrote a new song
Duo: (sneering unconsciously) isn’t really that long
Quatre: It talks about that dick head Sam
Trowa: (looks at him in suspicion)
All except Wufei: I’m an angry dyke
Duo: All my girlfriends and me~e
Heero: (glowers)
Duo: (not noticing) went across town to see
Quatre: (taking over while Heero throttles Duo) A concert that starred Kittie and them-
All save that still unconscious Wufei, who is having visions of sugar plum fairy SD Natakus: I’m an angry dyke.
Duo: (choking) My hair is long- I’m often wrong-
Heero: (takes that as apology, releases him)
Quatre: Written a few songs
Trowa: I wear blue jeans
Wufei: (beginning to awaken) Watch the obscene-
Quatre: I can’t drink coffee!
Wufei: Hey-
Other four: I’m an angry dyke
Lena: (brandishing Justice Scepter) Oh, bet you’re scared now
Audience: Yay!
All Gundam Boys (except Wufei): I’m an angry dyke
Trowa and Heero: (looking speculatively at their respective love interests, who both flush red) I don’t mind men
Wufei: (angrily spluttering at them) But-
Other four: Say I’m an angry dyke
Wufei: And though I’m not so angry when I start-
All Gundam Boys: I’ll lose my temper
Trowa: (to Heero, actually wondering) Who’s the real one to blame?
Heero: (shrugs) who came up with that name?
Duo: (glowering) Someone who was *really* bored…
All five: I’m an angry dyke.
Wufei: (sulking) My band’s a girl band for su~ure
Other four: O.O
Wufei: (pouting) And yeah, we’re not so demure
Lena: (smiling BIG happy smile) but we’ve been happy and been sad
Wufei and Lena: Not just angry dykes.
Other four: *O.O*;
Wufei: We’ve met some jerks- we’ve got our quirks-
Other four: (face fault and pass out)
Lena: (shaking her head and prodding them with Justice Scepter) Eternal job shirks.
Audience: We can’t stay put- the whole gamut-
Audience charges at Wufei, and the poor boy runs for it. Lena lets him, realizing that she doesn’t want to torture Wufei, just scare him a bit.
Wufei: I don’t think-
Audience: (happily) we are nomads!
Wufei: (swallows) Hey-
Trowa: (mutters) I’m an angry Dyke
Wufei: (faint) Oh,
Lena: (snickering) Bet you’re scared now
Audience: Yay!
Heero: (mutters) I’m an angry Dyke
Lena: (singles out the few who have remained seated in the back. They appear to be male. She smiles at them.) I don’t mind men…
Wufei: But-
Lena: (confoozled) Say- (The men are not men. Not a good thing.)
Quatre and Duo: (muttering) I’m an angry Dyke
Wufei: And though I’m not so-
Other four: Angry when I start…
Wufei: (is shot in the leg by an overzealous audience member. Fortunately, that makes the rest of the audience turn on the overzealous one, while Wu-man drags himself away.)
Trowa, Heero, Quatre and Duo: (see this happen, decide that’s the last straw) I’ll lose my temper.
The other four g-bo

.
    Self-Insertion: The Epitome
    And a little ballad by me for your likin’.
     (By Lena Ban Obsidian)