Andre the Giant
The only good thing to come out of France (besides Laetitia Casta)

France, home of the only people on the planet that eat frogs and snails.  France, a country full of smelly, rude, unemployed, smoking bitches.  They keep their women hairy, and their men effeminate.  They refuse to import American corn, then complain when we put high taxes on their cheese.  What could possibly come out of France?  Out of a country that insists on talking French, and pretends that it is actually important in international politics and economics. 

Andre the Giant.  Born André René Roussimoff in Grenoble, France, this monster of a man became a professional wrestler at the age of 17.  He was undefeated for the next 15 years, blowing his first match to a Terry "Hulk" Hogan.  And despite his monstrous size, power, and ability, he held the WWF championship belt only once, and for a record-short 60 seconds.  A man whose penis was most likely taller than an average man.  And I am not talking about the Chinese.  I mean a red-blooded American male.  He probably scared some horses with his manhood.  This man was 7'5", 520 lbs!

Bitch one: Wow, your hand is larger than anything that ever came out of my vagina.  And I've birthed some pretty fat babies. Bitch two: Despite the gigantic size of my ass, its lost in your massive wrist. Andre: You will all now suck on my gargantuan cock! Bitch three: I could never fit that in my mouth.  You would tear my head in two. Bitch four: You'd make so much spunk that we'd all drown! Andre: Fine, I will tie you into a ring and wrap you all around my penis. Bitches: Oh Andre!  You are such a gigantic French man!

And this man proudly wears a fro, and what a massive fro it is in the late 70s.  He puts any Epstein (from Welcome Back Kotter) to shame.  Most of us will remember the giant in his greatest film role as Fezzick in The Princess Bride.   He was just so big, that you couldn't help but stare and smile at his giganticness.  I mean, even when the lovely Robin Wright was on screen, you had to turn away from her creamy skin and stare at the shear monstrousness of Andre.

Andre had to drink a quart of vodka to feel a buzz.  Think about that.  A quart of vodka.  For a buzz, not to get drunk, to get a buzz.  He weighed fucking 520 lbs!  And he was a habitual drinker.  He would get drunk all the time.  I couldn't imagine.  It helped that he was the most successful and one of the highest paid athletes of his time.

If Laetitia Casta and Andre the Giant had had the chance to mate, they would've produced the tallest, hottest human ever.  It would've been scary, and probably could've been used as a weapon in the French Army.  They would drop this creature on the battlefield, and all soldiers would stop and stare in complete shock at a beautiful giant.  Then it would shoot them dead.

Thank god he died. . . okay,  it was a tragedy.  He died in 1993 from a heart attack, only days after his own father passed away.  His ashes were spread on his land of his North Carolina ranch.  Yup, the Giant lived in America.  Not France.  Another redeeming quality.

So, the next time you get into a France-dissing contest with your friends, stop and think a moment.  Think about Andre.  Think about greatest giant man ever to have walked on the face of this planet.  Think about the pain and suffering all the women that slept with him must have felt when he forced his massive manhood into their tight slits.  Think about the massive amount of rectal bleeding that may have occurred if he ever attempted anal-sex.  And think about how he could have torn you straight down the middle, as if you were just a sheet of paper. 

Andre the Giant is a man that all other men strive to be.

-Ace Kendo

Weighing in at only 155 lbs and at a height of only 5'9",  Ace could probably use one of Andre's shoes as a bed.