American Pie 2

From time to time, there comes a movie (sequel) that just jumps out and says, look at me and how horribly cliche and vapid I am, please write a semi to painfully comedic review denouncing the plot, characters, script, and situations. Well I hadn’t planned on doing that, because this movie just about made me want to give up all contact with the outside world and live in a mud hut piercing my scrotum with a sharpened bar of soap that I got from a convict in exchange for a night with Ace. He probably goes for 2 cartons of smokes in prison. Ace should guest star on Oz so I could have the answers to these questions. Maybe it’s not as bad as I’m describing. At least I didn’t try to dig my eyes out with a spoon while it was on. If I did that, I would have missed the lesbian scene. Now before those convincing ads cleverly tell you to “get another slice” (get it, American PIE? Genius fucking puns these days.) listen to what I have to say. You might just want to skip dessert. GET THE FUCKING PUN? AMERICAN PIE? PIE IS A DESSERT CORRECT? I’m good, damn good. Here’s one. American Pie, it’s just like Mom used to make, if your Mom was a stupid, drunken slutty whore. OK, that one probably won’t make it to the commercials. I try.

Now bear with me here, I don’t know the characters names, or ever plan on learning them. So if you can’t follow my summary of the plot, don’t feel too bad. You aren’t missing a whole lot. Ok, basically, the whole gang is back, whoever the fuck that is. Gang is a word that should only be used when talking about a group of angry black men with guns, or when discussing Scooby Doo. Freddy said gang a lot I believe. So a year has passed since the first American Pie, which everyone should hate by now because it led to the rise in popularity of Tom Green. Not that there isn’t anything funny about humping dead moose carcasses. Everybody is in college and now it’s summer, which means PARTIES AND PUSSY. NON FUCKING STOP. So some unfunny shit happens, and they end up at spending the summer at a beach house. More unfunny shit happens, dyke action, more shit, then it ends. I guess at the end they “come of age”, which is a phrase I stole from the paper today when they described this same movie. Zany escapades ensue when... you know what, fuck this. This movie sucks, don’t see it. There, that’s my fucking review. I refuse to talk about it anymore. I’ll fill space some other way.

Ha, look at poor Ace get a beatdown/rape. You know, THIS FAGGOT actually stole that gif for THIS FEATURE without even asking me. If you read this, you would find out that he has pleasured a man orally. AND VICE VERSA. Poor greasy dago. That’s posted in the University of Fuck by the way, part of the Triple Life forum. You can talk about such exciting topics as how you prefer cum to taste or if you get stiff joints from certain sexual positions. I bet you’re all CLAMOURING to go there now. Probably not though. Personally my lower back gets a little stiff WHILE FUCKING THE BITCH DOGGY STYLE.

Oh yeah, there was a monkey drinking in the final party scene. You know a movie is a piece of shit when they have to rely on a fucking drinking monkey to get a cheap laugh. Remember that movie Any Which Way but Loose starring Clint Eastwood and orangutan? This was worse.

-Seru40