Army Men

This isn't a review of a game. Its more of a stupid review of a stupid review of a stupid game. But forget that for a moment. This site is here for one thing, and one thing only, and that is to combat discrimination and promote equality betweeen all the peoples of this fantastic, magic world we live in. I mean, look at the staff of this site. Myself, a black man, Ace Kendo, a homosexual, Seru, a Canadian, and Yogurtman, a pedophile. If that isn't a wonderfully diverse environment, I don't know what is. When I read this review, I had to stomp my foot down and say, "NO MORE!" And this brings me to here and now. I'm here to present a review by one of the dumbest men in America (we even treat the idiots equally).

I was at Old Man Murray today and I saw a link to this review. If there is one thing I hate more than racism its reading racism into something that obviously isn't racist. Army Men is a game where you are the green army men and you are fighting the tan army men. I only played it once for about 10 minutes, and I thought it was an okay game, so I don't know if I could make an intelligent opinion about it, but its really fun to watch little plastic men melt when I burn them with my flame thrower. Tee hee.

Anyway, some excerpts:

The more I think about it, the more the fundamental principle behind the Army Men games bothers me. Frightens me, even, sometimes.

Think about it. These games are built around a world of unceasing warfare, a constant global struggle between the forces of Us and Them. We are always right, and They are always the Enemy, to be destroyed on sight regardless of the circumstances. There is no reason for the conflict -- it's Orwell's 1984 come back to life. "We are at war with the Tan. We have always been at war with the Tan."

But what differentiates Us from Them? Only color, and here we come to the crux of the matter. What is the message contained within Army Men, and what is it teaching to the young audience it's being marketed towards? If someone is a different color from you, you should shoot them? Maybe I'm overreacting a little, but I'm wondering about what it will be like to live in a world full of children who've grown up on Army Men, and I don't like what my mind's eye sees.

Your mind's eye has worse vision than my good friend Chris Psaros, a sweet man who used to have cataracts. Such an affliction is horrible, and forces you to look like this:

Its nothing to take lightly, my friends.

I know children are dumb, in fact, I'd venture to say that they are so dumb they wouldn't assume that Green = white people and Tan = everyone else. However, the assumption that the creators of such an intellectually stimulating game such as Army Men (nominated for a Nobel peace prize) would go so low as to insinuate that racism is cool is ludicrous. Absolutely crazy, even. Games like Army Men: Sarge's Heroes and the classic Army Men 3D taught me how to love again. A strong theme in these games that cooperation makes it happen, that if we work together we can overcome all odds. We must embrace our differences because that is what makes us unique and able to contribute to society. Which is why I'm a communist (in the Marxist sense, only). They may be made of plastic, but they have a heart of gold.

Also, if they weren't a different color, how the hell would you know who to shoot at? You silly, silly (gay) man.

As the mighty Sam Bishop has observed in his classic Army Men reviews, these games actually sound kind of fun. The rum-dummy-dum B-grade war-movie themes are entertaining in their rather cheesy way, and the sound effects follow suit. All the guns sound different, from the crackle of machineguns to the whump-boom of mortars, and the evil Tan fiends scream satisfyingly when they die.

It occurs to me, however, that I could acquire the same enjoyment from popping in my laserdisc of Patton for a couple of hours, on top of which I could be enjoying a couple of legendary performances from George C. Scott and Karl Malden, instead of just dying over and over.

You still own laserdiscs? Not only is this man an idiot, but he's living in the past. Contemporize, man. The only laserdiscs I've ever watched have been the shabbily put together movies and other shitty educational material excreted by the company that makes my high school Spanish books. DVD, my friend, is the future.

And after his diatribe about how horrible the "implied racism" is in this game, he goes and called the Tans fiends. This man is incredible. In-fucking-credible. Next thing you know, he's going to say "I wish I was killing darkies in this game instead of Tans. My small, small penis loves the taste of nigger blood." (Which would be humorous because of the irony of him saying the game was racist and then being racist himself.)

I really didn't hate this review all that much. It was funny, and not intentional funny, but America's Funniest Home Videos funny. Its so stupid, you have to laugh. Bob Saget, your cute kitty voice is an inspiration. What got to me though, is at the end he used a Hunter S. Thompson quote to string he racist implication together. It made me sick, the man is obviously delusional and horribly, horribly beyond help. Name dropping 1984 and HST to seem intelligent when you illustrate otherwise is a capital offense.

In 1972, Hunter Thompson asked when it would all end. I would like to know that as well. He was talking about presidential politics, admittedly, rather than videogames, but I believe the answer has as much or more personal significance to me, because I think it would actually be easier to live through four more years of Nixon than four more years of two Army Men games each quarter.

I'm asking when stupid people will stop writing things on the Internet. I'm sure you would like to know that as well. I was talking about videogame sites, admittedly, rather than this site, but I believe the answer has as much or more personal significance to you, because I think it would actually be easier to live through four more years of Army Men games than four more years of stupid crap.

A much more relavant Hunter Thompson reference for the article (I don't feel comfortable calling it that because it would mean that it was professional and good) is from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. When he and Dr. Gonzo are at the police convention about drugs the man at the podium is talking about drugs and marijuana and has no idea what he's talking about. He thinks roaches are called that because they resemble cockroaches and so on. The cops listen to his "four stages of cool" speach and believe every word of the uninformed tripe.

But what do I know? I'm one of the Tan fiends, not to be trusted.