Bokosuka Wars

Well, I'm a bit apprehensive at reviewing this utter piece of shit in an uncensored forum; I've reviewed it before on a heavily censored site before, and I was still pretty rude. Well, I'll have to forge forward, and try to keep my anger under control. "Keep your anger under control? What for, it's just a game", you might be thinking (more than likely not). Well, under normal circumstances, I'd agree with that logic. I mean, it IS just a game, right? Well, not in this case. Bokosuka Wars is not a game; I'm not even sure what to call it. Imagine being fucked in the ass by a large demon-thing, it's massive roots of lust plunging in and out of your scum-hole. Imagine it forcing you to suck and lick it's long, thick fingers, conveniantly shaped like nine-inch long phalli. You ache all over and can barely breathe, what with your colon being viciously rammed by an immense root of lust and having rancid smelling cocks shoved into your mouth repeatedly, to the point where it wears down the taste-buds on your tongue to a texture smoother than the rubbery substance those fake vaginas are made out of; in short, you're fucked, literally and figuratively, and you just want a way out. Well, that's how you'll feel after being brutally raped by the horror that is Bokosuka Wars.

I mean, I don't even know where to start. Usually I start with the gameplay, but I have a hankering for starting with the graphics. Well, to be quite frank, they're BARELY on the level of an Atari 26-fucking-00. I'm serious, Bokosuka Wars has to be one of the ugliest games ever, on ANY system. You ever see a dirty, toothless bum stick a funnel in his mouth, drop chunks of fresh shit down it, and pour a goblet filled to the brim with a concotion of cum and blood -- wrought from a 16-year old girl with a serious case of crotch rot, who had her first sexual experience ever with a proud black man whose penis would put Triple Life's to shame -- down the funnel, creating what should be any man's nightmare cocktail? Imagine what that decrepit bum would vomit up soon after ... I GUARANTEE it would look better than the eye-searingly bad SHIT (FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD) that the fuckwad's that developed Bokosuka Wars forced on the unwary gamer. Those fuckers deserve to languish in the unholy flames of Satan himself for an eternity. NO ARGUMENT IN THE MATTER. There's literally no animation, about six different colors in use, and not even a God damn backround. Jesus Christ.

Well, now that I have the 'graphics' finished, I guess I should move on to the most boring part: Sound. Why is it boring? Well, there's not all that much to talk about. There's a fantastically fucked-up sounding eight second midi for the music, and, uh, I think one sound effect. Possibly a couple more, but even if there are, it doesn't matter, because they all sound the FUCKING SAME. GAY. RAMOTH GAY. BIGGUSS GAY. JUST FUCKING GAY.

Okay, now that I've got the aesthetic issues neatly tucked under a big old roll of cock fat, I can get down to the most important part of any game: The gameplay. Unfortunately (maybe fortunately, actually, considering the astonishingly fucked up graphics and sound), the gameplay is horrible. HORRIBLE. THE WORST IN ANY FUCKING GAME TO EVER 'GRACE' OUR TERRA FIRMA. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. You see, in Bokosuka Wars, you have a top-down view (think Zelda), and you scroll from right to left, doing nothing. That's not an exaggeration. There's supposed to be something about rescuing some fuckers from these little 'prisons', but it's impossible, so I didn't even bother after a few attempts. Grandiose. Anyway, sometimes you'll encounter enemies, and you'll have to manuever (don't let the word deceive you; all you're doing is slowly moving in a very limited four different directions) your way around them. Um, you can cut down the trees, but it only works at random. Amazing. I've not hit the best part, though: BATTLES! If you walk up to one of your enemies (some fucking pink and olive guy, or some shit like that), suddenly a little bar will appear, with flashing buttons. What happens then? YOU START HITTING BUTTONS FRANTICALLY. Then a screen pops up, with your effeminate hero and a couple of those slave things you're supposedly suppose to rescue running away, crying, like the pussies they are. Suddenly a big blue fucker with a cloak, a crown, a scepter, and a really big fucking tongue hanging out of it's massive maw, slowly waddles after you, and the most beautiful game over screen EVER pops up. What does it say?

"WOW, YOU LOSE!"

Marvelous. FUCKING MARVELOUS.

Whoever are the cunt-rags that developed this dried up man chowder stain should be beaten, and brutally raped. OVER AND OVER AGAIN. THEIR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS INCLUDED. I implore the more insane of you to find these assholes. When you do, pull out their fingernails, cut out their tongues, lay searing hot rods down their spines, nailgun their balls to a slab of concrete in the shape of a swastika in the fucking Sahara desert; JUST MAKE SURE TO INHUMANELY TORTURE THEM FOR THIS INSULT TO MANKIND.

Thus, my review comes to a close.

Yeah.

-Gimp Mask