“The Class of 1999 II - The Substitute” wasn’t a big movie. It had a tiny budget and talent that, well, wasn’t so talented. It’s quality was the kind that reminded you of a Made For TV Movie, or better yet, the recording of your county-wide Spelling Bee done by overly proud father. Sure, it had some good stars (Can you say “Cody” from Step by Step? Not even prison can stop this movie-making monster!), but the real meat of this movie was the PLOT, which we all know that a good movie needs a good story (and boy did it ever have one!).

In this movie, Cody from Step by Step plays a robotic battle droid who decides to become a teacher to make his mission of “Kills lots of people” much easier. Cody looks and behaves like your average schoolteacher with Down’s Syndrome, and luckily for him his lack of personality doesn’t blow his cover. This allows him to easily slip around and murder students in over-inventive ways, finishing off each homicide with chilling words such as “You have been PERMANENTLY suspended” or “It’s time for you to go to the Principal’s Office … the Principal’s Office … in HELL!” The way he conveyed an emotionless killing machine when he said those words, it was … simply breathtaking.

This movie isn’t just fiction, Robotic Battle Droids from the future are popping up everywhere nowadays. That homeless man that lives near the fish market is one. Yep, him, the same guy who threw his ejaculate at you yesterday.

But Cody playing the unfamiliar role of beating children isn’t the only story in this movie, OH NO. It seems a student has murdered another student with a handgun, and there is only one teacher who doesn’t think that this murder wasn’t an ACCIDENT (It may be hard to believe, but she has her doubts that shooting another student with a pistol at point-blank range isn’t an accident). Well, it seems that this one teacher’s testimony may cause that murderous student to be put away in prison, and he isn’t about to let that happen. He then enlists the help of his fellow punk gang members who terrorize the city while wearing their matching gang outfits. You see, these kids are smart, they are already breaking in their post-apocalyptic outfits for the worldwide destruction due in the year 2000. I mean, c’mon, we all know that the only forms of clothing that are going to survive the nuclear holocaust are leather trench coats and bandanas.

Cody takes a break from murdering students to stalk the female teacher being hunted down by the leather-wearing gang. He wants to kill her (as he wants to kill everything else), but a new sensation enters him, one he can’t quite understand. Could it be … love? Regardless, he protects the life of this teacher from a spray of about 80 bullets from an Uzi using only his back. Does the teacher question why this man isn’t dead and his torso isn’t liquefied? No, of course not, he’s Cody from Step by Step, he is not to be questioned.

Here’s a picture of Patrick Duffy, if he were a Robotic Battle Droid, and a cowboy.

Meanwhile, an overweight cop who happens to be the only cop in existence in this crime-ridden town prepares with the female teacher’s (who I will now call “Female Teacher”) husband (who I will now call “Female Teacher’s Husband”) for the upcoming ROTC Paintball Bonanza. How? They go into Female Teacher’s Husband’s desert bunker filled with assault weaponry and Nazi memorabilia to look for some extra paintball guns. The plot thickens….

Now, it’s time for this multi-layered story of intrigue and robotic battle droids from the future to come to an end. The gang and their leader (Who I will now refer to as “The Leather Faggot Crew” and their leader as “Leather Faggot”) plan on killing Female Teacher during the ROTC Paintball Bonanza. Meanwhile, Cody sits atop a hill with his M4 Assault Rifle, waiting for innocent students to pass by. Leather Faggot Crew and Leather Faggot die, I don’t remember how, and Cody chases after Female Teacher. More people die, and we are than shaken and thoroughly abused by A SHOCKING REVELATION. Cody isn’t a battle droid folks, he’s actually a crazy kid wearing body armor! There are moments in our life that truly shape the way we live and think and BE, and I can safely say this is one of those moments.

After Cody begins to realize the truth, and begin to regret his actions, Female Teacher pumps a round into his head. Life resumes in the redneck shit town, everyone is safe, or are they? The Female Teacher sits at home, on the phone, talking about returning to school. She holds a gun in her hand, and when asked about how she feels teaching the new group of students next semester, she replies with “I’m excited about it, I feel I have a MISSION TO COMPLETE.”

SHE’S THE FUCKING BATTLE DROID.