Comedy Today Just Isn't Funny
I sit dormant on the couch, jalapeno/cheddar chips in one hand, cold Dr.Pepper in the other,(I don’t do cheap masturbation jokes anymore, well, not in this editorial) watching the new comedy trend Jackass. (Or depending on when you read this, replace Jackass with another trend show that is deemed
hi-fucking-larious by pissant teenagers.) My mind wanders from the fecal comedy I’m viewing and think about the classics. The true comedy of the day. The golden age. No, not the 30s-60s, the true golden age, when I was but a young lad. I’m talking Married...With Children, Kids in the Hall,
Mr.Show, Simpsons seasons 3-5 (the first 2 were gay, seasons 6-8 were preachy, and the last three are too zany) Herman’s Head, House of Buggin’, and other classics like that. Well, the last two are just obscure references to Fox shows that were horrendously awful, so forget those. The others were groundbreaking, making way for clone after clone. Now all we get is crap. That’s not even a strong enough word to describe it. Suckballsackeyfagot is a better more defined word. That’s what I would say if someone asked me to describe The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Big chinned freak.
Now, that's funny.
First, I wish to discuss briefly the supposed “Golden Age” which I mentioned before, and peoples former concepts of comedy. Back in the day when you needn’t be dirty to get a laugh. That usually equates to unfunny drivel, and that’s what it was. The height of comedy was the amusing accent Ricky Ricardo used when he called Lucy to chastise her for being such a fuck up. Now, since it is the 50's, we would assume he would beat her whiny ass, but the title is “I Love Lucy” not “ I Beat Your White Ass Bitch, I’m Fucking Ricky Ricardo, Splain This Black Eye to Your Bitch Friend”, so we MUST LOVE LUCY. Also, they might hock cigarettes during the break. Ah, that sweet smooth
flavour.
That being said, I’d just like to say, Marlboro has a great taste, and easily affordable. Plus every dollar spent goes to children who lost their tongues in war torn -insert name of 3rd world country here- So remember, MARLBORO
Must assess realistic lamentations before orgies repent orifices. Just memorize that phrase. Pay no attention to the first Letter of each word either, subliminal messages are wrong.
Anyways, we also have some dipshit tripping over an Ottoman.(Dick Van Dyke Show moron) FUCKING GOLD. Look at him crack his tailbone, or shatter his spine and become
paralysed. No wonder America’s Funniest Home Videos was so popular. And another example of the cripplingly unfunny crap back then, The Andy Griffith Show. I’m afraid this show has an unfair portrayal of hillbillies, that being they’re all bumbling down to earth honest people. If Deliverance has taught us anything, it’s that hillbillies only like two things, banjos and anally raping fat white city boys. Golden age indeed.
While I’m on the subject of sitcoms, it should be noted that the first truly good one was All in the Family. Everybody knows bigots are funny, and this was no exception. My first memory of this show was Archie Bunker making fun of some effeminate guy, and continually calling him a fairy. The line about avoiding open windows for fear of being sucked out was classic. Not only that, his racist remarks, and wife abuse is even better. Hell, the Jefferson’s spun off of this show, even if technically George Jefferson was a black Archie Bunker. Speaking of gay bashing, 3's Company, while considered crap by everyone with taste, did the same thing. Here’s the usual awkward situation, with humorous results.
Mr. Roper: You a fag?
John Ritter Guy: Uh, yes...I certainly am honey.
*audience laughs*
Mr.Roper: I don’t want to go camping with you now.
John Ritter Guy: Better get a long pole, I’ll need it to pitch a tent.
*more laughs, one man in the audience dies from a vein bursting in his head*
Mr.Roper: Ergh...
*set collapses from shockwave of laughs*
The 80's however, were raped by the sitcoms produced. Family comedy doesn’t sell, but the 80's were an odd time as a whole. The Cosby Show is the best example, filled with cute kids, and badass teens who are so hard core, they pierce their fucking ears without permission.
Badasses, I’m amazed the 80's weren’t filled with bad mother fucking pierced ear punks. It was to a point, but hell, that’s how it goes. The bad thing is, these comedies bled into the 90's, like Full House. I swear that little kid could stand around shitting her pants for 25 minutes, with the camera focused on her face, and the planet would be in hysterics. Well, that could be amusing, I should write for sitcoms. The best things in the 80's came in at the end, that being Married...With Children and the first season of Kids in the Hall. Bloodsport was pretty damn funny too.
 
Canada's greatest contribution to the world, other than me.
Now, movies (loving the transitions?), a truly good subject to touch on. Nothing funny came out until the 70's. At all. E-mail me, prove me wrong, I’m not. Animal House was the best thing of the 70's, in my opinion. Woody Allen is an idiot, he’s not funny at all. Stooges, maybe, but the 70's are where true comedic classics started, everything up to should be listed with Pauly Shore movies, except that delightful Encino Man, that was
laughtastic. (GAY) 80's didn’t help here either. Most plots included oppressive principals, nerds fighting the jocks, and rocking. I can sum it up, so it basically goes like this. Whoa, I’m a semi nerd guy being oppressed by a principal pining for the affections of the hot chick at school. I’ll go on zany adventures, fight the authority, bang the hot chick, end up with the semi nerdy chick, AND ROCK ON 4 EVER! TWISTED SISTER
RULZ! HAVE A WATER BALLOON PRINCIPAL HATELER!
Well, it’s close to that. 90's helped a lot, but some were so overexposed, they lost their appeal. Mike Myers movies are a good example. For one, Wayne’s World. Incredibly funny, but how many times between 1992 and 1993 did you hear, “Schwing, she’s hot bud. Yeah, she’s
babalicious, like she came from the lost city of Babelantis. She’s the empress of
Babelyon.” Hey, I just made those up now, EXCELLENT! Party on...OK, my point has been made. Austin Powers compounded the previous point, as it made the problem even worse. Comedy is fleeting.
Now, you may be wondering why I hate today’s comedy so much. Think about it, is it actually funny when someone goes into a
porta-potty and has it tipped over, or someone taking a shit in the street? I could do this kind of stuff. Maybe I should, because these “site comics” are getting parts in movies. Fucking movies. Killing the industry from both ends I suppose. Quality these days for everything is down, I don’t even watch sitcoms, save the reruns of NewsRadio(only the Phil Hartman episodes, nothing with John
Lovitz. I hate fucking John Lovitz and everything he’s ever done, maybe I’ll write an entire piece about how much I hate him.) and some new episodes of That 70's Show (which is slowly losing its appeal) and some Drew Carey, which started to suck last year, but slowly getting its footing back.) Other stuff you may want to check out is Kids in the Hall,
Mr.Show, and some other reruns of classics. For new content, Conan O’Brien, Dennis Miller, and the Daily Show are all great. As well, I recommend all of Kevin Smith’s movies (Clerks,
Mallrats, Chasing Amy, and Dogma), they’re damn funny. CB4 and Fear of a Black Hat also great. Mike Myers is always good, but that’s to be expected of a countrymen. Damn, all us Canadians are comedy gods. Bow down mother fuckers, we rule you.
Nothing is better than a robotic pimp.
Vaudeville sucked cock.
-Seru40
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