Not to say I don't like the Dreamcast.  I love it, and I wish it was not dying.  But, sometimes you have to just face the truth.  That is why I have created:
WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR OBSOLETE DREAMCAST:

     So, you sold one of your kidneys and four pints of blood for a Dreamcast, and sent your sister off into a Thai under-age sex-ring to get enough dough for the games, controllers, and VMUs.  And now Sega has forsaken the system, leaving you holding on to an obsolete controller (not to mention that the CIA is on your back about your sister).  So, what can you do with it?  You could sell it, but you wouldn't even get enough cash for penny candies.  You could throw it away, but that would just continue to further our growing ecological mess (and get a pack of stoned hippies rioting outside your door.  They might fucking light your house on fire, and then what would you say to your parents?).  And then again, maybe you want to hold on to it, so that you can go back and play a rousing game of Blue Stinger in a few years. . . okay, maybe not.  But I am sure that Skies of Arcadia or Jet Grind Radio have embedded themselves into your spinal chords, and we all know how hard it is to remove something from your spine.  You usually lose your head, like in Mortal Kombat.

    I went out into the street and asked random people what I should do with my Dreamcast.  The only problem is that I live in a small town where farm animals outnumber the residence.  The tree looked at me funny, it didn't know anything about videogames.  The crow only cawed at me.  I wanted to shoot it with my B-B gun, but the shaft is bent.  Finally, I accosted a car, posed as an undercover Narcotics Officer, and after scoring some Pot of the frightened teen, got this lovely answer:

"Hey, you aren't a cop.  Give me back my fucking dope or I will drop you in the head."

    But by then, I was already racing down the street, tearing through the woods, and stumbling over one or two backyards of my unforgiving neighbors.  And although it was a decent amount of pot, I was still without answers.  So I decided to figure it out myself, using my Dreamcast to perform everyday tasks.  Let's see the results:

 
FRUIT DISH

There is always a good supply of fruit in my house (shut the fuck up), and there is never a proper bowl or dish around to hold them.  So why not use the Dreamcast?  It offers a lovely presentation, with its off-grey color and modernistic decor.  

It was working well, until the apples began to roll off and scare the cat.  In turn, the cat shat all over the rug, and I had to clean it up.

Also, one of the bananas spoiled, and it left a sickly-residue over the surface of the Dreamcast.  I am sure that a proper fruit bowl would be prepared for such an event, but the Dreamcast was not.  It took me an hour to get the lid to pop open, so that I could get at the grapes inside.

Rating:   C+
CUP HOLDER

Ever throw a party only to find that your guests expect drinks?  This common problem would never occur again if you use this stylish cup holder/server.  The CD tray provides a flat surface for the cups, while the lid keeps the drinks snug and secure.  

Yet, I could only fit two cups into the tray, which could be a problem at a large and rowdy party.  Also, when actually used at a party, guests are often. . . drunk, and spill the contents of the cup into the Dreamcast.  While the resulting spills leave a surprise last drink in the tray, the smell is rather rude.  I don't think Sega designed the system to handle a beer-stench.

Rating:  B-
NUT CRACKER

I wanted to order that video, Girl's Gone Wild, that they always advertise on late night cable, but I am too embarrassed.  Either they deliver it to my school, where it passes through the school's post office (where a close friend of mine, who happens to be a girl, works), or to my home (parents=no no no), someone would be sure to see it.  So I chickened out.  Maybe I should just head down to Mardi Gras and see it for myself.

Oh, and the Dreamcast sucked as a nut-cracker.  I just ended up cracking the case and embedding walnut shell into the box's surface.  Besides, the nuts were stale.  I should have bought some fresh ones.  I don't feel so well, now.

Rating: C-
PILLOW

It is shaped like a pillow, but it sure doesn't feel like one.  My head was all sore, and I got electrocuted twice until I realized it was still plugged in (I drool a bit).  It did look nice on my sister's bed with all her pillows (she wouldn't miss them, being trapped in Thailand and all), but was kinda small.

Stick to cotton or down-feathers.

 

 

Rating:  D
PLAYSTATION CONTROLLER HOLDER

Though the Playstation itself is dying, and will probably be dead itself soon, I found that the Dreamcast offered itself as a lovely placeholder for one of my Playstation controllers.  Look at the combination of the black controller being hugged by the lid of the white Dreamcast (I know I said it was grey earlier), it is almost symbolic.  Reminds me of that video I saw of the white girl swallowing this massive black cock. . .

Um, well, it worked really well, and looked sharp. And I always knew where my controller was.  Sometimes I think it has a mind of its own, and comes to life when I leave the room.  I always find it hiding in the liquor cabinet, or in the cat's food dish. 

Rating: A-

-Ace Kendo

Next:  Things get wild