Godzilla 2000There's a lot of love in the precending paragraph. Bask in it for a second, and then continue. So, what makes Godzilla 2000 so spectacular? Well, for starters, there's the fact that the first half-hour or so of the movie has no plot. None. Godzilla just walks around stepping on shit, and the main characters (Japanese Scientist Guy, his daughter, and Cute Reporter Chick) just kind of follow him in a van and take pictures. Godzilla just ignores them, and smashes power plants and things. They never really explain why he's out to destroy all of Japan's power sources, but it really doesn't matter. You don't watch a movie like this for the plot, because, as I said before, there isn't one. Another lovable trait of Godzilla 2000 is the intentionally horrendous dubbing. There's a strange kind of beauty in seeing a Japanese man flapping his lips frantically, and then hearing an American-sounding voice yell "GODZILLA!!!" about 3 seconds later. And when Cute Reporter Chick tells Japanese Scientist Guy to "Bite me", I guarantee that you'll be rolling on the floor laughing. IT'S THAT FUNNY. Well, actually, it isn't. I only added that part because I didn't want to have a paragraph with only one sentence in it. (I hope you're paying attention to this, because it's giving you more valuable insights into how updates are made. Although I've already stated that there is no plot, I'm going to summarize the events of the movie anyways. This may seem contradictory/impossible to you, but that's your problem. After Godzilla tires of stepping on stuff at the beginning, he swims back out into the ocean, setting the stage for the introduction of the film's major villain--a large, floating meteorite. Yeah, a rock is the one thing that can stand up to Godzilla. What can I say--the Japs are crazy. Godzilla eventually returns, and he is immediately set upon by the Japanese military, commmanded by Hardassed Secretary of the Interior Guy. HSIG (acronyms are fun) is set on killing Godzilla, which brings him into conflict with Japanese Scientist Guy (who wants only to study Godzilla). They argue about this for a while, but since the military has nothing that can even scratch Godzilla, the point is effectively rendered moot.
 Just when it seems that nothing can stop Godzilla, the floating rock springs into action. Apparently, it's an alien spacecraft that's been at the bottom of the Pacific for 65 million years. And trust me, after you've been watching this movie for an hour, that will seem perfectly logical. The ship dukes it out with Godzilla for a while, then leaves to go sit on a skyscraper and begin some frantic computer hacking. Then some other shit happens which I'm not going to detail here (go watch the movie!) Eventually, it all comes down to a climactic battle between Godzilla and the rock/spaceship (which has transformed into a Godzilla-like creature (this movie is fucked up)). They rip Tokyo apart in a frenzy of MAD ASS-KICKING. It's beautiful. Of course, Godzilla wins, and then Japanese Scientist Guy wraps up the film with what is unquestionably the greatest line in the history of cinema. (I don't really want to spoil this amazing scene for you, so highlight the text if you want to read it.) Cute Reporter Chick asks why Godzilla is protecting humanity, and Scientist Guy responds: "Maybe because there's a little Godzilla in each one of us." Keep in mind that he's saying this as Godzilla is leveling Tokyo in the background. If this scene doesn't have you laughing hysterically, you're probably dead. In short, Toho is the greatest movie studio on Earth, and they need to hurry the hell up and make a sequel, because, intentionally or not, this is the funniest movie of the year. -Yogurtman |
