Karnov
Note-Update at the bottom.
How can a game about a fat Arabian Russian (yeah, I fucked up.
Crucify me.) pimp make me feel so good? While fat pimps are a rarity
these days, god knows you need to keep in good shape to fuck up those
hos, games about them are just godly. While you may be thinking one of
two things, those being.
1: What the fuck is Karnov you stupid Canadian whore? Or...
2: Karnov? That game eats Peter Jones’ cock.
Well, you might be right about the second one, but this game is my
personal favourite. No, I have no idea why that is, but the
everlasting appeal of shooting pellets at paraplegic green demons just
never dies. That is indeed a thrill.
 
Now, while the graphics, even for the time it was made, look like a
horrid collection of stomach bile and Doritos(subtle inside joke),
they don’t detract from the meat and two bits of the game, game
play. This game was an original in platformers, featuring multiple
paths in each level. Big fucking deal huh? OK, I can’t sell it to
you because it sucks, but I still love it. Moving on...
 
The music, the sounds, the UTTER FUCKING GREATNESS. It’s non-exsistant
actually, but you can always mute it. I counted all the sound effects
in this game and it ended up being like 5. Plus the only music is
really funny. I don’t know exactly what kind of mood the producers
of this game were trying to convey, but it ended up sounding like club
music from a gay Egyptian disco. And there aren’t a lot of those
around. Gay Egyptians I mean. So in short, the sound is crap as well.
However, this game is also FUCKED UP, which is what makes it so
appealing. For instance, Karnov is transported via lightning bolts. Is
he a god? To me maybe, but that’s not really explained. That’s the
second problem, this game has no storyline. It’s just some fat guy
with no shirt wandering aimlessly and running into boulder throwing
monsters. It might have worked in... fuck, I have nothing to compare
it too. Let’s just say that its an idea not worth repeating. Next,
Karnov turns grey when he’s injured. Grey. What the fuck is that?
Make him become smaller, bleed, anything but not fucking grey. Also,
the KKK must have payed for product placement because you collect
K’s, usually 3 in a row every once in a while. Then we have the
villains. Giant green fish, T-rexes, legless floating freaks, rockmen,
golden breasted men, Moses with a tiger, it never ends. If you don’t
want to play this now, I pity you.
So all in all, if I wasn’t objective, I would hand Karnov 1/10. But
I don’t give two shits about being objective, so 12/10 it gets. On
another note, leave your mouse over the pictures for the witty
captions. For you ROM whores, click below.
Download the Kanov ROM
UPDATE- Well, after a somewhat strange night, and being somewhat
inspired by Yogurtman beating Karnov, I went and found the actual
story of this game.
You play as a former circus strongman who can breathe fire, Jinborov
Karnovski. One day, a powerful dragon named Ryu raids Karnov's
peaceful village of Creamina and steals the Treasure of Babylon.
Pretty exciting eh? Also, some things I didn't mention, Karnov can
fly. And it's fucked up. The underwater level rulz though.

FUCKING MAJESTIC!!! The ending is worthless. Not worth the pain that
is involved to beat it.
-Seru40
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