Lolo Trilogy
Ah yes, while digging through my long list of useless unplayed ROMs, I stumbled across the Adventures of Lolo, a puzzle game that requires quick thinking and razor sharp reflexes. Well, one of those, but in any case, you can call this game the poor mans Pac Man. Instead of collecting little pellets, and eternally running from indestructible ghosts, you walk around, collect femme looking hearts, and shoot snakes and armadillos into...eggs. Fuck, he’s round and blue, Pac Man is round and yellow, enough of a comparison for you? Of course, to not be sued for infringement, Hal (nice name for a game company, lets see, what have they produced in the last ten years?) gave Lolo a pink girlfriend (of course, not anything like
Ms.Pacman, that bitch was independent, she actually fought off the fucking ghosts. This Princess Lala gets her ass kidnapped twice! Worthless circular women, I tell
ya. Fat chicks ain’t happening man.) And a huge fucking ass. Seriously, the thing sticks out 5 pixels for God’s sake. Plus it only gets larger through the years, like watching your Dad go from a semi athletic guy to a fat slob after sitting around too many Saturdays drinking beer and watching football. He should do his regular exercise of beating his wife and kids with a rubber hose, but no, too busy for that, the Montana Red bombers just tied the Chatanooga Gravediggers in the 3rd
quater. Damn you old man. Anyways, compare Lolo’s rotund ass throughout the years.
Lolo One: Trim looking, smooth curves, looks good on ya son.
Lolo Two: Not much of a difference, maybe a pixel or two. Can still pull off wearing a thong, only on the hottest summer day of course.
Lolo Three: HOLY FUCK, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED. You need to do what that fat bastard from Subway did, and waddle your way down to a local Subway establishment and get a lettuce and bread sub. Really, there must be a small city living on that thing. As a matter of fact, let’s take a closer look.
Well, that was interesting. Let’s see, the plot of this game is the same old cliche’ shit that you saw in about every NES game back in the day. Kill the bad demon, get the Princess, fuck the Princess, Demon steals her again, go into a phallic shaped tower
(hoho, take note of the screenshots below), get her back, and the big kicker, she joins in the last amazing adventure. Well not really, you can switch between the two, it’s not that exciting at all. Anyways, that’s the general idea.
What an amusing tower. Of course, most towers are.
Such backstory! Who wouldn't want to play those 100 levels?
Gameplay is the actual core of this game, because without it, all you’d have is a stupid blue ball turning things into eggs, and generally doing nothing of any interest. So they make it so that some puzzles take you about 1-15 seconds to figure out, while others will have you, well, to not use a worn out analogy about being pissed off, just really fucking pissed off. But that’s bound to happen in games like this. I’ve never beaten a Lolo game actually, but I’m sure if I did, Jesus would be there with me shot gunning beer. And that just isn’t going to happen. So, to all the kids out there, before attempting a Lolo adventure, grab one of the old mans beers, poke a hole in the bottom with a nail, slam it back, and repeat. Then you too can stand to play the inane puzzles, and battle the legions of Medusas, Knife Chucking Pink Things, Armadillos, Snakes, Skulls, and other assorted really fucking stupid enemies that you have to deal with. Well, that was brief. Adventures of Lolo, a great series, for the mentally incompetent.
Download the Lolo Trilogy
-Seru40
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