Years ago, like say 8, the videogame market really started to boom. Genesis and Super Nintendo were constantly fighting it out, with such ridiculous advertising tactics like “We have blast processing, meaning EXTREME SPEED FUCKER”. Or you might see something like “Fuck speed, with our superior sound chip and colour palette, we’ll win any day of the week cocksuckers.” And chances are you had a friend with the opposite system of your own. So you probably had that argument day in and out. Sometimes these arguments would end in brutal fisticuffs that ended with a vicious DDT onto a concrete sidewalk. But enough about me, there was one character that had yet to make the leap to 16-bit, and everybody waited with bated breath for that transition. Of course, I’m talking about Karnov Megaman. And yes, Capcom had big plans for the chubby blue bastard. They’d kill him off and replace him with a brooding peace loving hippy who is forced to fight against his will. Plus no robodog, no evil scientists, no gay porn name enemies (for example, Hardman), none of that. He wasn’t even Megaman anymore, he was simply called X. Well, the world pretty much collectively said “THAT’S BULLSHIT CAPCOMCK, CHOW ON THESE ROTUND BALLS.” So there was an eruption of violence, riots in cities, blood flowed in the streets, basically it was Sodom and Gamora all over again. Then they learned Megaman X could bounce off walls. After that, it was business as usual on the streets and highways that God built.

Yes, despite this game just being Megaman with a wall jump, the world embraced it because it really is quite good. It wasn’t a cake walk (the first time through) because you had to deal with the fact that X was a major pussy. He didn’t even start with a full life bar, you had to earn it. Plus you took damage like a 1950's housewife. And the husband used belts people. And the buckle. No rubber hoses there. You would even have to get armour upgrades from capsules set by Dr.Light. What a whore that was. Finally, the most redeeming quality of this game was when you got the Street Fighter fireball. Good times. Now for a quick boss guide. As always it has no tips, hints, or game play strategy. Because I’m not a helpful person. Ever.

Chill Penguin:

Finally, a racially diverse Megaman game. Yes, from the name you can tell this is the first African American (Triple Life prefers that we use that term, or else he would release a Negroid rage upon the Earth. Also disregard the fact I just said Negroid.) To quote an after-school special I saw about why spray painting pictures of penguins with enormous penises onto brickwalls is wrong, “This Penguin be chillin’ and illin, yo”. That special also taught me to love all the colours of our multicultural rainbow, and that date rape is illegal. Unless they were wearing a particularly arousing outfit. Then they’re just asking for it. Just remember to pack a gag of some kind. LIEK YUOR PENIAS, LOLL!!!1!1!! Anyways, I could have sworn the weapon this guy used was the Freeze Cracker. And half of this writeup was going to be based on that. But sadly it was actually Shotgun Ice and Freeze Cracker was used in a different game. So I guess this ends here. Sad.

Storm Eagle:

There comes a point in every reviewers life when he has to stop and say to himself, there is absolutely nothing funny about this. Trying to come up with shit to say here was one of those times. Really, Storm Eagle is that dull. I can’t think of anything whatsoever. An Eagle that uses Storms as a means of battle. Sorry, nothing. I guess I could pull something out of my ass like saying Storm Eagle should use bird shit tornados but that just isn’t happening. That’s about it, no frills here. I’m deeply ashamed. OK, I could care less. I just hope you didn’t come into this review thinking, “Oh shit, just wait until Seru tears into that Storm Eagle, I’m going to piss myself in fits of uncontrollable bladder rupturing laughter.” Then again if you did have those expectations, you must be some sort of fat internet loser. Then I forgive nothing.

Sting Chameleon:

Remember what I just said? That goes doubly here. I had two choices here, compare Sting Chameleon to either Professional wrestler Sting or one time Simpsons guest star/singer Sting. Yes, I know three things about that Sting. He was on the Simpsons, he’s a singer, and he claims to have had sex for 7 hours straight or something equally as asinine. I was actually motivated by that claim when I heard it, and went for the 7 minute mark. I came close, 3 minutes shy of the goal. Better luck next time. In the end I would have chosen wrestler Sting however, since he has waged several epic battles against Ric Flair. And Ric Flair is the King. Henceforth, while Sting Chameleon doesn’t walk the aisle, or style and profile (Whooooooo), he doesn’t chug massive amounts of cock because of this obscure connection to Ric Flair.

Flame Mammoth:

I swear, these guys are just filler until I get to talk about Spark Mandrill or something along those lines. These robots must have been chosen to put X into a deep boredom induced Coma. Sorry, but I think choosing animals when doing the designs was a mistake. See, if this was the original Megaman, this would be Elephant man. His power naturally would be to shoot a beam that temporarily gives Megaman Elephantitis. You might say Megaman would then have a case of the old blue balls. Eh? Eh? OK, forget that. But anything would be superior if this was the original. Capcom really dropped the balls on this one.

Armoured Armadillo:

I’m seriously going to try and not make any references to genitalia this time. Some people might think I have some issues or something. So anyways, pussy cock dick oily vulva penetrate vagina cavity with hard wang action, boning wet tender young snatch. See, that wasn’t so hard. Moving on.

Spark Mandrill:

The only adequate replacement for Woodman or Hardman. Or Snakeman. I have no idea what a Mandrill is, but it amuses me greatly. So...Bah, I’ve got nothing.

Boomer Kuwanger:

As far as I can tell, a Kuwanger is a type of bug. I guess. I have no idea. Who the Hell is coming up with this shit? I want to fight Dynamo Porpoise, or Galvanized Goose, not some fucking boomerang tossing bug. I guess it’ll be a few more years before we see the greatness of Liquid Otter or Hardwood Beaver. Anus Ant, I hardly knew ye.

Launch Octopus:

My first impulse is to go, “Octopus? Tentacles? it’s teh hentai tentacle rape, LOL!! ^_^;;” OK, so maybe I’ve never had that impulse, ever. Oh, what the fuck, why not. Tentacles? hentai tentacle rape, LOL!! ^_^;;. You know that last sentence will bring hundreds of hits from Google? You should see the type of search words used to get to the index page. Triple Anal comes to mind. And I really rather it didn’t. I really, really do.

Vile:

Hey, vile is the word that comes to mind when I think of this review. The first time you fight Vile, you get your ass handed to you. Zero, the non-pussy robot guy saves X’s sorry metal ass. Then the second time Zero has to sacrifice himself to save X again, because Vile is some sort of badass. X is fucking useless. But whatever, this is just here as a lead in to Sigma. Think transitions in essays. Yes, Sigma is up next. Sigma is great, et cetera.

Sigma:

The last boss, and my personal favourite bald evil robot EVER. There is no connection in the world as strong as the fellowship between people that shave their heads. Not marriage, not blood relations. Nothing. Just look at Neo-Nazis. Good, good friends. So naturally I must, nay, am required to love Sigma and all that encompasses a fictional character. Sigma sucks in this game though. I mean Jesus, he’s using a fucking Light Saber. This is the successor to Dr.Wily, he shouldn’t be swinging around a Light Saber. But whatever, just like Dr.Wily he’s in every sequel following. Evolution is good. Not the movie, the theory.

There really isn’t anything to add. Great game, as are most of the sequels. The 5th one is worth playing just for the fact that they changed the names of all the bosses. I should really review that, but it’s impossible to heap anymore scorn on Capcom that hasn’t already. Duff McWhalen? Axel the Red? Yes, lets name all the robots after Guns and Roses members. Whilst sucking cock. Suddenly Spark Mandrill doesn’t seem so bad.

-Seru40