Most Valuable Primate

Every day, I see things that I don't understand. Why do middle-aged women savage one another over useless shit like Beanie Babies? Why do people laugh at the tripe that Castor Troy calls "humor"? And yet, even amidst all this idiocy, every once in a while I see something so bizarre, so utterly fucking ridiculous, that my brain shuts down rather than attempt to comprehend it. Most Valuable Primate is one of these things.

Now, everyone knows that monkeys are funny. Theoretically, a movie featuring a monkey who plays hockey (that's what this fucker is about) should be comedy gold. However, even without having actually seen it, it's pretty obvious that the makers of Most Valuable Primate fucked up their project in just about every way imagineable. For starters, they called the movie Most Valuable Primate, and then subtitled it "When It Comes To Hockey, This Chimp's No Chump!" That's two shitty puns, and you haven't even started watching the damn thing yet.

Funny like gonorrhea.

The fact that a movie like this can even get made is frightening enough. What's really disturbing, though, is that it can open in theaters and gross almost $1.5 million. That's not much for a movie, but it still means that literally thousands of people payed money to see this thing. I've never had a lot of faith in the human race as a whole, and this just serves to re-affirm my beliefs.

I found a review on the Internet Movie Database which perfectly illustrates my points about Most Valuable Primate's target audience. I'm going to quote it here in its entirety, as it is quite possibly the most horrible thing I've ever seen.

I just came back from seeing MVP and was amazed. I was surprised because I'm 20 so this is more for a kids movie. I've seen Dunston checks In, Air Bud I II, Ed, and That Darn Cat and I just love pet movies. You can't go wrong. First of all Jack the monkey is brilliant. I have never seen a monkey play hockey so well. I don't want to spoil anything but the ending is very good. If you are 20 above and like pet movies this is movie for you.

As far acting goes once again you can't go wrong. Like I said before Jack is one good monkey at skating. His puck handling and skating are convincing and are the best monkey skating I've seen in a movie. Shane Vajda as Moose gave a surprising performance. So for those who haven't seen it skate don't run to your local theatre.

Two primate thumbs up :)

Jesus. I can't bring myself to make fun of this guy. It would be like beating up a retarded preschooler and stealing his tricyle. Not that I've ever done that, or anything.

One final note: The sequel, MVP 2: Jack's Back, is already in production.

Kill me now.

-Yogurtman

Back