Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Godzilla and King Kong teamed up to wreak havoc on several famous cities? The extreme fun you could have destroying a once mighty metropolis with the mere press of a button. Not to mention the great battles you could have with your friends. Well, if you meant you wanted them both shrunk to 1/8th their movie size, cities to be represented by a few scant buildings, and battle with friends just basically punching each other until somebodies life bar drains, then Rampage is the game for you. Yes, it is indeed an odd little game, where you can choose either a large monkey named George or another equally large lizard named, you guessed it, Lizzy (so fucking original), to travel from city to city and knock down buildings. (Also, each represents a different gender, so invite that lady friend over, let her join in the fun. Then show her how great you are. At Rampage.) While most people find the action a bit inane after 12 minutes, the true fun is not in the mass destruction, it’s in the eating of various things. From chickens, to skulls, to people, laugh as you eat it all. I know you’d be lying if you said it wasn’t a fantasy to go around eating people. (Subtle humour) All the while, you have soldiers shooting at you from windows, tossing grenades, attacking you in helicopters, parachuting down, and tanks/police cars shooting your sorry mutant ass. They never actually successfully kill you, just shrink you down until you return to nude human splendour, and comically walk off the screen covering whatever genetic parts your character is in possession of. Something that puzzles me, when you’re running out of time, a guy comes along, plants a bomb at the base of the building (think Fight Club) and demolishes the fucking building. Whoever designed this game fucked up here. What logic is there in destroying a building merely because a giant radioactive beast hasn’t. Killing innocents is seemingly a norm in NES games. As well, if you knock someone out of a building, regardless of height, they sail to the concrete, and without missing a beat, stroll off the screen (unless you eat them). A fine lesson for the kiddies there whatever company made this. Screw banning realistic simulations of gunplay and other violence like that, this game is saying you can jump out a fucking window without consequence. Damn Republicans. Now onto the review portion.


See how she falls? Nothing happens.

Then you eat her. Great fun.


Graphics: Well, it looks like an NES game. That’s all that really needs to be said. How realistic can you make a collapsing building look? This game needs more naked chicks, that makes everything better.


Blasphemy, they didn't include the man in the yellow hat. See, he goes with George...because he's a monkey. You know, Curious George. Ah, fuck it.


Sound: Well, the BGM is non exsistant, and all you really get is a smash, crumble, 2 types of explosions, and machine gunning from helicopter sounds. Enticing.


DIE CAPITALIST PIGS. Damn commie lizards.

Control: Why am I reviewing this shit? You can jump and punch, plus climb buildings. All pulled off realistically. Oh yes.


I saw a porn called that. Had nothing to do with this game.

Appeal: I’LL LOVE IT 4 EVER. You however, I’m not so sure, maybe a few minutes. So fuck you, it’s great.

So, while this may get dull at some point, it is an incredibly realistic simulation of giant monsters destroying buildings. Not that the concept is believable, but no matter. Play this game, love it like a hooker with a golden heart. I know I do.

Download Rampage



-Seru40