Shenmue

'"AM2 IS 4 TEH GODZ"

"I LUV U SEGA@@!"

Yeah, well fuck you. Your mothers too. Fuck you, fuck AM2, fuck Yu Suzuki, and fuck Sega. FUCK YOU ALL, YOU COCK-MANGLING CRETINS. Shenmue sucks cock. HARD COCK. IT TAKES IT LONG AND HARD IN WAYS NORMAL HUMANS CANNOT EVEN COMPREHEND. What makes it so bad? One thing. One fucking thing ... The gameplay. Shenmue is the perfect example of "Gameplay coming last".

The game starts out with some faggot cinematic shit, and your dad dies. The voice-acting is terrible. Anyway, after that, you must seek revenge. How do you seek revenge? WALK THROUGH A GHETTO AND PARTAKE IN STUNTED CONVERSATION. Really. You take your 'hero', Ryo, and you fucking walk around a ghetto in Japan, or something. It's set in the 80's too, so be prepared for an unstoppable avalanche of faggot fashion, like the sweatshop that sells jeans jackets. FUCKING JEANS JACKETS. Assholes.

Well, once in a while some shit will start, like a QTE (quick timer event). A QTE means that a choreographed scene will start, and you have to hit the appropriate buttons that appear on the screen. I kinda liked these thingys, but they're cancelled out by the seldom times you get to actually rumble with some dirty chinks in a real battle. In short: The fighting eats shit. OLD SHIT. DIRTY SHIT. You've got your punch, kick, and throw button, and of course doing combinations will have you end up doing special moves, like the gook slam, the slant-eyed hop kick, and the chink rice-bowler (no, I'm not racist, but this review of this gay game is bringing out the evil in me). The camera sucks, the controls are awkward, and god damn it, it's just no fun.

Alright, so Shenmue's certifiably gayer than Da Bouncer, but it has a few good points. The graphics are beautiful, replete with terrific character models, burning textures, and some excellent architecture (yeah, I spelled it wrong, BUT I DON'T CARE). Sure, there's slowdown when you're wandering the streets of the ghetto when there's too many people on the screen, but it doesn't happen too often, thanks to the fact that if a character is too far away, they fade out. It helps keep the engine running at a smooth pace most of the time, and rarely screws up (sometimes someone will be faded out when you're standing right next to them, but it's not often). Even with these niggling flaws, Shenmue is still one of the most outrageously beautiful 3-D games ever created, if not THE most.

Sound-wise, Shenmue is a mixed bag. While the moody music is done well, and is very fitting, and the sound effects also solid, the dubbing is horrific. Some of these people sound like they're genuinely retarded, and the translation seems relatively weak. Still, the main villain has a voice that sounds like Zechs from Gundam Wing, which is good. Wonderful aesthetics aren't enough to make up for extreme gameplay-retardation, though, so Shenmue is still faggy.

FAGGY.

I'd still recommend to rent Shenmue, just to check out the stunning graphics. Other than that, stay the hell away.

Yes.

-Gimp Mask