Super Punch Out!!
Yes, Super Punch Out!! was a great game. After getting over the initial shock of no longer featuring Mike Tyson (convicted rapists need money too), I decided to purchase this game many years ago. What could be more fun than pummeling ignorant jamaicans and fat russians (but not Karnov!)? Really, the only way to improve that is to add a mexican wrestler. Lo! and behold, Nintendo added one of them too. This game is the pinnicle of all that is good and holy.
The game Super Punch Out!! really is more than a boxing game. Ho ho ho, this game has a subplot the likes of which no company but Nintendo (the wily japs) could muster. The boxer that you control is in actuality a CIA agent. His job is to make other countries look bad by having their best and brightest pugilists get knocked the fuck out by a short, skinny white boy. The obvious first victim of the government plot (the Man is trying to keep the rest of the world down. He can't settle for domestic) is the dirty french. The only fault in this plan is that no frenchman in his right mind would give a damn if the old, decrepid faggot you fought lost. Yes, your first opponent is Gabby Jay, a 70 year old boxer who has somehow managed to escape brain damage, which could be debated since he is an elderly gent boxing. Really, if you can't beat him, you deserve to be shot. Several times at close range with a sawed off shotgun. The fat russian I mentioned earlier, well, I just realized that he is canadian. The US never liked those moose fucking homos (yes, I mean Seru) much anyway. This man is different. He doesn't fuck mooses (I don't know how to pluralize it), his name is Bear Hugger, so I assume his wife is an ugly cunt. I really don't know what to say about him besides his very existance is enough to induce suicide in 37% of canadian males. I'll skip some of the gayer fighters to get to the more stereotypical ones. Bob Charlie, which sounds a lot like Bob Marley, is hotter than jerk chicken in the ring. OK, he sucks, but I wanted to talk about jerk chicken. His signature move, the shake and jive, is fucked because it involves him dancing around saying "Ooh! Ooh!" and then spining into an uppercut. Which will knock you out. Luckily, it sucks and you can punch him in the gut before it lands. But he has dreds, so he's cool in my book. Dragon Chan, Jackie Chan's illigitamate son, is quite the interesting character since he is allowed to kick you in the face. I hope he dies performing his own stunts in a Hong Kong movie. Another interesting chap is this one guy, I forget his name, but he wears make up and dances ballet, not to mention his effeminant long hair that he uses to hit you. How that attack hurts you, I will never know. Maybe its the hair spray. I think they meant to make him look gay since it was one of the few stereotypes they left out of the first game. It would have been more interesting if he just ran around screaming or offered gay sex to you if you won, though. Also, he's japanese, but we already know about how gay they are. Last, but certainly not least, I present Narcis Prince. A briton with a cockney (haha, I said cock) accent and all around pretty boy. The best part about him is when you hit him in the face he turns bright red, which damages your complection. The fact that he acts like so many people at my school (I'm so pretty, don't you love me?), it brings me extra satisfaction when I subjugate the faggot ass bitch. I bet he has sex with the japanese guy.
Well, that about summarizes Super Punch Out!! A little white boy vs. fighters of varying nationalities with funny, stereotypical quirks. Basically, its Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! with improved graphics and sans the coach, Mike Tyson and all redeeming qualities (KING HIPPO) the first one had.
|
