Superbowl Steals Hours of Peoples Lives, They Don't Get It Back

Ah, the good old Superbowl has once again passed us by, and once again yours truly neglected to watch it. That’s damn right, the most watched sporting event of the year, and I chose to sleep instead. The main reason is because I’m an advocate of “It’s more enjoyable to play then to actually watch”. Now, I’m not a commercial for the Presidents Council for fitness(or whatever the fuck its called), because frankly, I’m not that much of an asshole. I have life experience friends, or at least football experience. Yes, I played the sports of the gods (I’ve been told) from grades 8-12 (albeit Canadian football, where the field is 10 yards longer, and you only get 3 downs. HARDKORE!!1) and not too blow my own horn, I was damn good as well. I went into it knowing shit about it, and came out knowing it all, but still found watching it incredibly dull. I’ll go to games of course, because you can sit, look at the cheerleaders, and fuck around while drunk and get kicked out. But I shall still avoid televised games like a Full House marathon. Apparently, from what I’ve heard, people are agreeing with me about this years Super Bowl. I guarantee they just watched just to see Survivor 2. (Fucking sheep, mainstream crap.)


Hey Ray, you just won the Superbowl, what are you going to do now?
RL: What'd you say to me cracker? I'm going to murder your white ass mother fucker! Uh, I mean Disneyland. That's what I meant.


Also, most people are telling me the highlight was the halftime show.(I’ll talk about that atrocity of good taste is a minute.) I can see why. Football traditionally is enjoyed by fat middle aged men on their Sundays off. It gives them an outlet to relax, drink, and get out their pent up aggression by yelling at fucked up plays instead of beating his wife because she burnt the roast. That’s illegal nowadays you know. But not at Superbowl time, oh hell no. Get the whole families wide asses around that TV. Ma, Pa, little Jimmy who just discovered breasts make him light headed, teenage Sally clutching the latest issue of Tiger Beat, with the latest exclusive pics of the Backstreet Boys sponge bathing each other, and of course, surly racist Grandpa. You see, there’s something for everyone! Pa can actually enjoy the game, and a delicious lager(pussy). Ma can ogle the black men in tight pants, and comment on how she likes the this game and should watch it more. Little Jimmy can rush to the bathroom whenever the camera pans past the cheerleaders and at halftime when Britney Spears performs. (Myself included) Sally can write in her dream journal about how dreamy those members of N’Sync were, and how Steven Tyler dragged down their performance. (Of course, it’s the opposite. Tyler should’ve called out Run DMC to stomp their sorry asses. Adidas ass kicking all over.) Grandpa can just sit there and shout ‘NIGGER’ every time a black guy makes a good play, then rant about how Johnny Unitis had a real haircut, and Father O’Mally of the 3rd street church would have been proud. Father O’Mally having been dead for 20 years of course.


Now, speaking of the halftime show, Jesus Christ, talk about trying to reach every race and age group on the continent of North America.(Except those filthy Mexicans.) First on the pre game show that I saw 3 minutes of before going to sleep, they had Jennifer Lopez hocking something. Any real football fan wouldn’t know who that fat ass bitch is, only people life Triple Life do, then write gay reviews about Linkin Park and end up posting pics of her and other women. Maybe I should’ve said “reviews”. Then the big event arrived, and everyone is treated to musical jokes Britney “cause of my chronic masturbation problem” Spears, N’ “cure to my chronic masturbation problem” Sync, and Nelly “no second name, so this part is useless.” I heard an MP3 on the radio of this performance, I nearly laughed myself to an aneurysm. It was pathetic. Steven “I’m not the Lizard King, but I’m OK” Tyler was out dancing and out singing them. (So I’m told) If you didn’t get that Lizard King reference, you are officially gay in my eyes by the way. So, to conclude this paragraph, the halftime show was pure shit.


Hm, this one seems a little bigger than the other.

The point I’m trying to get across is that football shouldn’t be mainstream, because after it did, it became pussyish in a way. The appeal was lost. I made this point before, they watched it for either the commercials or Survivor 2. I hate both. All televised sports suck in general. Except maybe women’s tennis. I once caught a Martina Hingis vs. Anna Kournikova match. Now that was entertaining.


On an unrelated note, I once broke my wrist playing football. The first comment I got when I got out of the hospital (comedic comment) was “How’d ya do that? Some of this eh? *makes jack off motions*” Fucking bastard. I should’ve kicked his ass, but I did have a broken wrist, and it was my friends Dad. I don’t think he would’ve liked that.

-Seru40