 If Picasso designed a videogame, well, it would be nothing like this. I just couldn’t think of an opening line that properly expressed my love for this game. Picasso, what a queer. Anyways, a few weeks ago, or days, I don’t keep track of time well, I had the urge to play a good game. I just finished with Castlevania Circle of the Moon and Super Mario Advanced, and I needed to fill the void. Let’s face facts here people, the likelihood of an actual good game coming out these days are slim to nil. The gaming industry has been releasing a lot of shit lately. In fact, its worse then shit, it’s snake shit, which is a mix of piss and shit. Same goes for birds. Have you ever had a snake shit on you? Because I had this one Boa Constrictor that whenever you would let it slide around on your shoulders, BAM, big shitty yellow and white streak down the back. Used to regurgitate rats that I fed him and then eat it again. Half digested rats don’t smell that great either. OK, have I painted a clear enough picture of how I feel about games these days? I’m not confiding something as private as my own pet snake shitting on my back simply for the sake of comedy. That’s not my style at all. Anyways, the game I bought was Sonic Adventure 2, and I noticed a lone copy of Twisted Metal 2 for a mere 15 dollars. I’m a bit of a compulsive shopper, and even though I’ve played this game to death, I figured I would buy it. Now I know you think you have an idea where this is going. I’m going to say that instead of playing the fancy new release I instead enjoyed the tried and true Twisted Metal. Well you’re wrong you pretentious fuck. I haven’t played it for one minute since I bought it, but I know it well enough to do a review. The backbone is of course the cars and drivers, since this is a car combat game, so I’ll go over them first.
 Finally, the most under represented aspect of society (in videogames) gets the chance to shine. Roadkill’s driver Marcus Kane is an insane homeless bum. I know the insane homeless bum community was in an uproar over the portrayal (mostly because I heard them mumbling it to themselves while going through the trash for food at my work) because instead of driving around in a shopping cart full of cans and old coats, he drives an actual car. He also doesn’t throw a bottle of liquor in a paper bag as his special move. Or shoes, I’d like to think homeless people use their shoes as a projectile. So yeah, I would be pissed about this inaccuracy as well. Bottom line, he sucks, don’t use him. Ever.
 This is one of the chick cars (read: piece of shit that gets its ass kicked easily) and if you value your testicles, don’t choose it. Don’t be thrown off by the tits of the driver, it’s just pixels. This is what your girlfriend would choose when she wants to “share in your interests.” And when you crush her 4 times with Minion, tell her your actual interests include pie, and the baking of said pie. And getting a blowjob while enjoying a slice of freshly baked pie. She’ll get the message. Just make sure you dodge the controller hurtled at your head. That’s why I keep my appliances bolted down, slips of the tongue and what not. Moving forward...
 Now we’re talking. When the driver is surgically grafted to the vehicle, you know that he’s going to pound the fuck out of everybody else. There’s not a lot more to be said. Pure manly. Pick Axel.
 A hearse? Very original. Really. There’s this 500 pound Italian guy that comes into my work who drives a hearse. He doesn’t work at a funeral home, I’ve asked. Just likes to drive a hearse. I should stop working at night. I’d think he works in the mob, dragging bodies around all night, but the only organized crime in British Columbia is between Asian gangs. I think they call themselves the Golden Triad or the Flaming Dragons. Skinny little fags.
 Now, right off you may be thinking, “Well shit on a sidewalk (I have no idea who thinks that), a Monster Truck! I’d be kicking ass running over people and such. Yee HA!” Well, you couldn’t be more wrong. Like real Monster Trucking, Hammer Head is equivalent to bathing a homeless hermaphrodite with your tongue while giving him/her a handjob. Yes, that
 I’ll be honest with you, I’ve never used Warthog, and likely never will. I suppose I’m just prejudiced against old people. It’s a common fact that old people are no good at everything. TV also taught me that. The only time they seem to be energetic is when drinking a Pepsi. Then all of a sudden they start playing double guitars and tossing around frisbees. I wonder if the whole truth in advertisement thing fucked up and ultimately destroyed any chances of that ad campaign being resurrected?
 Mr.Grimm is a supreme badass, kind of like a mix of the Terminator with a skull head, minus the gay accent. Did anyone else find it odd that a machine would sound Austrian? Damn plot holes, they needed better writers for that movie. So anyways, since Mr.Grimm is on a bike, he takes abuse like Ace Kendo after he writes an Off the Beat about what white people perform poorly at. But he does have the best special weapon (next to Minion) in the game. Plus he can be a bitch to hit. Good choice I suppose.
 You guessed right, I’m going to call this driver and their vehicle a piece of shit. And for good reason. On an interesting sidenote, she’s Calypso’s daughter (you know, the guy who runs the tournament? Maybe I should have talked about that instead of the snake shit.) and to ruin the ending for you, it turns out she’s been rebuilt as a walking bomb and kills Calypso. Sad indeed. So don’t pick her.
 YES. Black stereotypes abound. A gangster from the mean streets of South Central LA. (as opposed to a skinny, pussy black boy from the Midwest) Plus his special is a flame thrower and flame throwers make everything at least 20% better. The best car in the game, not including the hidden characters. Good times.
 Sucks cock. The end.
 Sucks 2 cocks. In the immortal words of Seanbaby, he’s the equivalent of 2 dicks in Phil Collin’s mouth. Plus clowns aren’t badass. Even homicidal ones.
 If someone doesn’t like Minion, they’re the worst human being on Earth. I wouldn’t even consider them human, more like some sort of human shaped mass of cells, that does nothing but shit, piss, and hold the opinion that Minion isn’t the best fucking character in the game. There’s nothing more to say. Sure, I could put the code on how to get him, but I don’t want you to be a cheap whore. Minion is the Shin Akuma (anyone get that reference other then me?) of car combat. Fantastic.
No picture because this game isn’t compatible with Bleem! They are whores The last boss. You don’t get to use him of course, but HERE’S A STRATEGY!!1 Shoot him. A lot. Then some more. Then some more. And a bit more. More. Fuck it, you’ll get your ass kicked. Damn shame.
 The guy who runs Twisted Metal, I’ll make a special mention here. Provides the more comical moments in the game, all in the endings. Most of the time, your character will be screwed by Calypso when they ask for their prize. Apparently, Calypso has SUPRE MAGIC POWERS, that can grant anything. But if, for example, you ask to fly, and jump off a building, the likelihood is you’ll fall to your death. Then Calypso will flash two plane tickets after the fact. Funny stuff. Whoever writes this shit is a genius. I should mention all the levels, and the fact you can run people over etc, but let’s face it, you don’t want to read me talking about that. What more incentive do you need to play this fucking game? If I wanted, I would write a metaphor about how playing this game is like having two penises, and getting both of them sucked by large breasted Japanese schoolgirls dressed in french maid outfits, but that would be untrue. It’s actually like having FOUR PENISES, et cetera and so on. So you should stop reading this review and go to the store. Purchase this game now. On a budget? Lose the toilet paper for a few weeks or whatever necessity you people on budgets have. Hell, you can pick through the garbage collecting cans. I know a guy who does it everyday. Rides a bike and wears a helmet that he stole from a little girl. Seriously, it has rainbow stickers and shit all over the back of it. What a piece of work that guy is. -Seru40 |