Hitler. What comes to mind when you hear that name? Extreme Fascism? Hypocritical killer? Dictatorship? The Holocaust? Gay moustache? Well, if you answered yes to any of the above answers, the you should really try to be less cynical and negative you hate filled bastard. Now, if you’re like me, (and its doubtful that you are) you prefer to think about running around pixilated hallways brandishing a chain gun and eating dog food to gain health in an all out attempt to assassinate the Fuhrer himself. But alas, the history books prefer to focus on all the pits of decaying corpses and death than this classic 1st person shooter released in 1992 by ID Software. Then again, if someone mentions, say, Michael Jackson, you don’t think about his record breaking album Thriller, you think of a pale skinned black man that is most likely a pedophile, and hung out with Macaulay Culkin. You people disgust me. Now, Wolfenstein is more than just senseless killing and other mindless violence. Oh no. It has a storyline too. You play the all American Jew B.J. Blackowitz (must have entered the army to prove his manhood after all those years of torment from his peers because of his first name)who was obviously so badass that he was sent to kill the main strategist of the German army (or something) but being the clumsy Jew that he is(ala Woody Allen, minus the Asian fetish. And the pedophile thing. Hm, asian fetish AND pedophile, that sounds a lot like Yogurtman. Maybe Yogurtman is actually Woody Allen? Makes you think.) , he gets captured and tossed into Castle Wolfenstein. Well, after stabbing the guard to death with a knife that he must have kept in a balloon up his ass (also a good way to ship drugs. Remember that kids.), the adventure begins. Now, unlike Bubble Bobble, which states “Now it is the beginning of a fantastic story! Let us make a journey to the cave of monsters! Good luck!” This is more “Now it is the beginning of a violent story! Let us make a journey to the castle of Nazis! Good luck!” Anyways, you eventually make your way through the thousands of soldiers then you fight the man himself. Do you succeed? Is the world safe? Will B.J. celebrate by purchasing a 14 year old whore named Terrene? It’s up to you, except that last one. Now, the enemies. Guard The most frequent enemy you will come across, and equipped with a faggy little pistol, these guys won’t cause much of a problem. The best part about them is the varied screams they have when they die, especially the girly aieee. Of course, those are only in the registered version. German Shepard Controversy! Yes, it wasn’t the Nazi symbolism or blood that pissed off fat Southern Televangelists, it was the brutal killing of these cuddly blood thirsty pups. In fact, the folks (or fags as it were) at Nintendo didn’t even call them dogs in the shitty Wolfenstein for SNES, they were mutant rats. Yes, the watered down gay version decided its better if you shoot rats. Why not giant white bunnies? Sick fucks. S.S. Soldier The elite soldiers are here of course, but are easily mowed down with a chain gun. The only excitement you get from these guys is when they scream Mein Leiben (my life). It can give you a sick little twinge of excitement. Mutant Supposedly created by Nazi scientists, they run around swinging knives and shooting with the gun jutting out of their stomachs. Fucking A. Officer Think Guard wearing white with a stronger gun and gayer scream. That sums up an Officer. Hitler Ghost OK, this game has just stopped trying to be realistic. Not only is the idea of a ghost implausible, but it’s a fucking Hitler ghost. A FUCKING HITLER GHOST. Now, if we got Scooby and the gang on this one, the problem could be solved. I’m sure Mr.Withers, the old man who runs the haunted amusement park is behind these Hitler ghosts. He probably wants to scare the people away so he can keep all the Nazi gold that is strewn throughout the levels to himself. Diabolical bastard. Well played Mr.Withers. Well played indeed. Pacman Ghost ID Software must have danced around copyright laws to include these ghosts in the second secret level. These guys are untouchable so don’t waste bullets. I say screw Pacman, they should’ve used McDonald’s characters. Shoot the Hamburgular, that hamburger thieving whore. Fuck upo (Ha, misspelling=Inside joke) Mayor McCheese, force him and his giant burger head into a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Cut up Ronald, that dirty clown. All clowns are evil you know. Of course, you couldn’t kill Grimace. No one can kill the Grimace. (If you tell me where I got that quote, I’ll mention you on the front page) Hans Grosse Thirsty for revenge after you killed his sister, he’s the first boss you fight. (The nocturnal missions where you fight Grettle Grosse take places before the timeline, but you play it out of order. Think of them like the prequel, but not a gay prequel like the Star Wars one.) That’s how it goes. Dr.Schabbs Wow, look out for exploding syringes. Such a gay weapon. I’m sure if you were a junkie, the thought of an exploding syringe might sound threatening. I mean, a perfectly good syringe and you didn’t get to inject any of that sweet heroin. Now if Schabbs came at you with a single rubber glove and a probe he would be intimidating. Otto Giftmacher Big fat officer with a rocket launcher. Grettle Grosse East Germany’s finest, oh yeah. If you aren’t distracted by the out and out extreme sexiness of this little piece of Nazi ass you must be the gayest person alive. (Unless you’re a woman, then you would need to be gay to find Grettle hot) Keep at least one hand on the keyboard, she’s a tough one. General Fettgesicht The guy you were sent to kill, and after you do, get tossed in a cell. Fat guard with a chain gun and a rocket launcher. WOW. Hitler Well, a two part boss. First off, he attacks in a robot suit that has 4 chainguns, and then it shatters, he shouts ScheiB (shit), and attacks with just 2. Now, I’m a bit disappointed. I expected a giant floating head that spits flaming swastikas. Then after its defeated, its shown that it was just a skinny nerd manipulating everything from behind a curtain. Then the ending should have Hitler granting B.J. any wish he wants, and he becomes the king of earth. ID Software has no child like imagination. All in all, I’d say this game is a worth while experience, even if its for nostalgia. Sure, the graphics are shit now, and the premise is a bit far fetched, but this is the father of Doom god dammit. And without Doom, you wouldn’t be “fragging” your gay little friends under the name SnakeStriker125 in Halflife. So pay tribute you ingrates. You might be playing Commander Keen 12 right now, or another gay racing game. And you wouldn’t want that would you? -Seru40