Christmas Specials Must Die

Christmas for most people (mainly those filthy Christian whores) is a joyous season for celebration and being together with ones family. Now, before you think I’m going into a tirade about how Christmas is a hollow holiday, cooked up by said filthy Christians to brainwash small 3rd world and even industrialized nations children into celebrating the birth of some Jewish guy, I forgot his name. Johnny something. Anyways, for the 3rd world, they just say, “Sorry Surgeneet, no food unless you give your heathen beliefs and renounce Mohammad.” And of course for the rest of the world, the old no Razor Scooter for you, ya little bastard, is an adequate threat. Now, I LOVE Christmas, well, perhaps that’s too strong of a word, I tolerate it anyways. However(didn’t see that one coming) there is one, no, make that 7 things about the holiday season I hate. Something that make me want to cane those fucking moochers from the Salvation Army dressed as Santa, and piss on their corpse. If they died from the caning that is. I truly hate holiday specials. They are just horrid, decrepit sappy shit. And I’m going to take you through, in order of annoyance. So here’s Seru40's Blacklisted X-mas Specials.


1: It’s A Wonderful Life.

It sure as hell ain’t when I hear about this movie. I’ve been fortunate enough to have never viewed it, but the fact its concept has become a sitcom cliche’ makes me HATE it. The only funny one was on Married...With Children, where Al was electrocuted by the X-mas lights, and Sam Kinison was his guardian angel. Man, I love that show. And I would sooner watch hours of reruns of it then see a queer movie about suicidal freaks and wingless angels. It doesn’t have that ejaculate into my underwear quality, you know? I sure use that type of joke a lot. Damn liberal media.


2: “Miracle” On 34th

It’s a miracle I don’t have a gaping hole in my head after watching this. That hole of course being from an elephant gun. The plot is just contrived and implausible. Let’s see, St.Nick decides to be a store Santa at Macy’s. That’s some fucking old school product placement. The only other kind you had back then was when some suave 23 skidoo guy would exclaim “Gee Betty, the only brand of cigarettes I smoke is CHESTERFIELDS. I love that smooth refreshing taste. They’re the cat’s pajamas alright!” Uh, anyways, the worst part is that court scene. The next time I go into court for fraud, I’m citing that case. For Example... My Lawyer: Your honour, I’d like to cite case #4033, the City of New York vs. Kris Kringle. Prosecutor 1: Uh, what the fuck is he doing? Prosecutor 2: Holy fuck, it’s the Santa defence! Judge: Your client is on trial for credit card fraud, not... My Lawyer: Bring it in boys! *dozens of men lug in sacks of letters, and dump them on the floor* 1,000,000,000 letters, all addressed to Santa Claus. Judge: Well shit, I can’t argue with that, case dismissed! See, does that seem right to you?


3: The Santa Clause

There was once a fabled time when people thought Tim Allen was funny. I like to call that Hell on Earth. Now they don’t, as he has no T.V. show or movie career. PRAISE GRACEFUL GANESH! It’s still popular these days though, but only at the holidays, luckily. So in other words, a sloppy 42 year old penis on a hermaphrodite is funnier and more enjoyable for family viewing. Plus the way it sort of leans to the left, hilarity!!!!!! *giggles* Last comment made to look especially gay.


4: A Christmas Carol

I once said that this movie would have been more interesting if Scrooge broke Tiny Tim’s legs, burned down Bob Cratchit’s house, and the raped his wife. That goes for all variations too, especially that Disney version. Yeah, duck on mouse action. DAMN! Anyways, the ghost of Christmas future kicks ass.


5: Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer

It’s a known fact that specials spawned from songs are usually nothing but unadulterated shit. Except Yellow Submarine, but that was mainly due to the acid. Well, regardless, this little special suffers from a tacked on love sub-plot and zany sidekicks. Rudolph is actually story of prejudice and exclusion, so it would be a little difficult to make it endearing, or funny. For example, the have an elf that, hee hee, wants to be a FUCKING DENTIST! How zany is that? Well, not really. Apparently, dental hygiene is a laugh riot. He uses that prowess to defeat the abominable snow man. You’d think he would just crush the reindeer into a high fibre shake. As well, in a extreme twist of gut busting humour, Santa is skinny!!!! HARHARHAR! Because, you know, he’s supposed to be fat, and, stuff. GAY


6: How the Grinch Stole Christmas

OK, I actually do enjoy this, except for that Scroogesque ending, but the Grinch has some fucked up cardiac problems. Heart 2 sizes too small? Grew 3 times that day? Lay off the Who-Hash you fat fucker. Sneetches were always better anyways. Well, the ones with stars on their bellies. Not the ones with no stars upon thars.

(Seru forgot Christmas Story, which they play over and over and over again on TNT every Christmas day. . .but those screaming children are impossible not to like.  Also, It's A Wonderful Life is one of the best dark comedies ever.      -Ace)