TITLE: S. W. & 7 D’s (aka 7 Steps to Apple Pancakes).

AUTHOR: Triton

Email: triton-x@yahoo.com

or visit my little library at: http://www.oocities.org/triton-x/Fanfic

DATE: 6th February, 2000

DISCLAIMER: Any famous name, whether it be a food item, musical style, alcoholic beverage, singer, actor, book or whatever, does not belong to me (well, actually, the Michael Jackson Video does belong to me, as does the bottle of Bundaberg Rum). I mean no infringement. This is all in fun, seriously.

CATEGORY: (Pure Comedy)

RATING: (R)

SPOILERS: None.

ARCHIVE: Sure, Fine, Whatever!

NOTE: This is an addendum to the Seven Part fanfic. My POV. This is also NOT songfic, even though there is mention of a few tunes. I’m serious here!!!

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APPLE PANCAKES-DASH-CREPES:

1 large bottle brandy

1 Michael Jackson ‘History’ Music Video or CD (or equivalent! ie - Cher, Judy Garland)

180 mls milk

2 eggs

pinch salt

75 grams brown sugar

145 grams plain flour

100 g unsalted butter

4 apples (cooking variety preferred)

150 mls orange or apple juice

1 teaspoon cinnamon

4 cloves

cream for serving

4 episodes of Favourite X-Files

1 750 ml bottle Bundaberg Rum

Photo / Magazine Pic of Scully and/or Mulder (or if you are lucky enough to own a MulderClone or a ScullyClone, go with it!!)

1. After reading Part 7, you decide to pamper yourself, so you pour yourself a dram of brandy, and sip it slowly while collecting the ingredients.

2. You mix together the milk, eggs, salt and a pinch of sugar.

3. You whisk these ingredients well, adding up to 145 grams of flour until the batter is the thickness of heavy cream. You wonder what this actually means, so instead you just add the whole measured amount.

4. You have another sip of the brandy.

5. You melt 25 grams of the butter, and mix this into the batter.

6. You have another sip of brandy.

7. You pop the ‘History’ Music Video into your VCR, and turn the volume up, not just loud enough to hear in the kitchen, but loud enough that you can sing along without hearing your own tuneless voice. You walk back to the kitchen, then realise that "Billy Jean" is the first ‘film clip’, and since you aren’t overly fond of this particular tune, you race back to the VCR and fast forward to the next song. You sigh deeply as the melodic intro to "The Way You Make Me Feel" drifts through the speakers.

8. You prance back to the kitchen.

9. You have another sip of brandy.

10. You peel and dice the crisp flesh of the apples. You then realise that this instruction really means that you are supposed to discard the fibrous peel before you dice the apple, so you pick out all of the dark green bits from the chopped up mass.

11. You grab a saucepan, and in this, you melt the remaining butter, then add the rest of the sugar and caramelise it slightly, and, since again you have no idea what this means, you just stir away, sipping your brandy, until the mixture changes colour.

12. You refill your glass with a dram more brandy. You wonder that if the situation arose where Mulder was actually standing in your spot, cooking this meal for you, buck naked, would his genitals get burnt?

13. You add the apples to the pan, and stir in the cinnamon, cloves and juice.

14. Your favourite part of the song comes on, and you prance around the kitchen waving the wooden spoon in the air.

15. You turn down the heat to the apple mixture before it burns, and watch it simmer very gently. You now begin wondering how Scully would treat Mulder’s burnt genitals, as the appropriate first aid treatment is to hold the burned area under running cold water, and would Scully volunteer to hold the burned area?

16. You have another sip of brandy.

17. You climb up on the bench to retrieve your favourite non-stick frying pan, and then realise that "Black and White" has started, so you slide off the bench, frypan in hand, and prance up and down the hallway in the appropriate jerky manner.

18. You have another sip of brandy.

19. You heat up the pan, and add a small dob of butter, then spin in a circle as a true Michael Jackson Prancer should. You also touch your crotch! You pour sufficient batter into the pan to just cover the bottom. You race into the loungeroom as you suddenly realise the best bit of the film clip is on, and you adore watching all the faces merge together, especially that cheeky lass with the tongue! As soon as the panther appears, you prance back into the kitchen to save the thin pancake from burning, and flip it over. Relieved that you survived this near-death experience of nearly being burnt alive in your apartment, all alone, you indulge in a full gulp of brandy.

20. You refill your glass with a dram more brandy.

21. You flip the cooked pancake onto the bench, then add more batter to the pan.

22. You prance back into the loungeroom to watch MJ in his sequined suit, belting out "Rock with You". Bored with this, you then prance back into the kitchen to stir the apple mixture and flip the pancake.

23. You have another sip of brandy.

24. You stare vacantly at the wall for a few minutes.

25. You flip the second cooked pancake on top of the first.

26. You then continue making the pancake circles, stirring the apple mixture, singing loudly to "BAD" and prancing about at the relevant moments. You even remember to turn on the oven to a moderate temperature.

27. You have another sip of brandy.

26. You measure 2 tablespoons of brandy into the apple mixture, then remove that pan from the heat. Since the brandy bottle is still in your grasp, you raise it to your mouth and let a mouthful of the liquid trickle warmly down your throat.

27. You grease a shallow ceramic baking dish, whilst still prancing of course, then grab one of the cooked pancakes, and you spoon some of the apple mixture onto the centre of the pancake. With deft movements, and smiling proudly to yourself as you realise just how talented you really are, you fold the pancake over the filling and place it in the ceramic dish.

28. You have another sip of brandy.

29. You begin chuckling to yourself as you continue plonking and folding the remaining pancakes until you have run out of product. You pour the remaining apple mixture over the snuggled dessert, and prance rather unsteadily to the oven, and you insert the dish into the warm confines. You even remember to set the timer for 20 minutes.

30. You look at the mess strewn across the kitchen benches and decide that it is much more important that you retire to the loungeroom and rewind the tape back to the beginning of "Thriller", since you were so absorbed in the task of rolling and filling that you missed the best parts.

31. You collect the bottle of brandy and your near empty glass and prance back into the other room.

32. You refill your glass with a dram more brandy.

33. You turn up the volume even louder, and rewatch "Thriller", hoofing through every room in the apartment in time with the beat. Your voice is starting to feel hoarse due to the high pitched warbling you have been indulging in.

34. You have another sip of brandy.

35. You decide that you have heard enough of the MJ enigma, and decide it is time to watch one episode of a classic X-Files, so you pull out your collection of forty VHS tapes, and peruse through all the titles. You settle on the Pilot episode (for old times sake!!), and you toss the MJ tape into the pile of ‘things to be sorted one day’. You insert the tape into the VCR.

36. As this tape is rewinding, you waltz into the bedroom, and shuck off your day clothes. You shiver in delight as you pull on your oldest, softest, silkiest purple pyjamas (the ones that you rushed out to buy in 1995 after noting that Scully wore this type!).

37. You prance back into the kitchen to check on the apple pancakes, and you cheer with joy as the timer beeps at you at that moment, as you have now developed an intense case of the munchies and the smell of the cinnamon has aroused your appetite.

38. You race around the house in preparation for your pamper-filled evening. You turn off lights, you ignite candles in the living area, you have another sip of brandy and you turn off the phone.

39. You now settle yourself into your recliner, apple pancakes heaped on a plate in front of you, the bottle of brandy and an unopened bottle of Bundaberg rum (just in case) on the coffee table. You pick up the remote control and aim it at the television set, but then you pause.

40. You briefly consider returning a call to a friend, as you feel a tad guilty about ignoring your Real Life companions, but as you gaze up at the full size poster of the "Fight The Future" advertisement hanging above the television, and you let your gaze wander around the room, eyes resting briefly on the numerous X-Files books stacked in the corner next to the now strewn pile of episode tapes, the mound of Sci Fi magazines ready to be perused, the small silver framed images of Mulder and Scully scattered across the bookcase, and the pile of recently printed fanfic nestled beside the open laptop where the ‘Hallway Scene’ image is displayed as the wallpaper, you cackle hysterically.

41. You depress the Play button, and as you have another sip of brandy, you drift off into a dream state as you mouth the words "Agent Dana Scully..."

END (FINALE)(FINIS)(NO MORE)(I PROMISE!).