over the last couple of days i've had some pretty hardcore thinking sessions. in some ways this week has been an opportunity for cleansing,

in other ways for my thinking to become more preoccupied with itself, with the self, with chaos, with convoluted obscurity, and with the things i was trying to forget about / deal with / find solutions to.

i suppose in some ways my reason for reasoning is legitimate - i want to hunt down an ideology - or some kind of direction - that i can adopt
adapt and bringtake to the triumphant circus of games and fun. the other day i specifically wanted to write a rant for this nonsprawling cybermetropolis, and i thought i'd understood myself / my intuition enough to do so. but somehow adding that focus to my writing threw me off - it sabotaged the mind->text transition. it was forced.

ironically, in writing about originality and the self, i tried to maintain originality even while i questioned its existence, and also to repress the self - or repress identity - or create identity in the form of a persona.

i wonder if the circus is already in itself inherently flawed -

• a completely disorganised organisation
• an organisation that respects and supports disorder
  yet maintains a semblance of heirarchy (facade)
• an organisation based on ideas and ideals that do not yet exist

...and yet i feel that although some aspects of it are paradoxical, these aspects are also necessary - at least for now. if theyre hypocritical, it must be because they were intended to be so.

hypocrisy and politics / religion / philosophy / anarchy / order / revolution are by no means mutually exclusive...

but maybe if all these things are combined, they overcome their hypocrisy and create something beautiful

as the dice wills, so shall it be...