As Buffy sat by her mother's bedside at the hospital, absently stroking her sister's brown locks, she contemplated getting up to fetch a coffee. The more she thought about it, the more she wanted one. Her mouth started to water, imagining the taste, and finally, she abandoned her post by the bed and walked out into the hall.

The hospital was so gloomy at night. She had come to realize that the more time she spent there. Loneliness pervaded the walls, as did the scent of death and misery. Shivering, she rubbed her bare arms and approached the coffee machine.

Slipping four quarters into the slot, she was rewarded with a cup of hot coffee that tasted horrible and was just what she needed.

"Buffy."

It was Riley. That she knew before she turned around. But she didn't particularly want to talk to him, and seriously considered walking in the other direction without a word. She sighed, whirling slightly and facing the earnest man who had been her lover for the last year.

"Riley," she acknowledged quietly, sipping the coffee methodically. The rhythm soothed her.

"I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now," he surmised and she nodded.

"You got it in one."

Obviously uncomfortable, he gestured to the chairs in the waiting room. "Could we please sit? Talk."

She sat, taking another large gulp of coffee and burning her tongue in the process. "So…no available vamps tonight?" she said calmly. "You've come to the wrong place if you think I suck blood."

He leaned back and closed his eyes, gathering strength. "I'm sorry about the blood thing Buffy…" he apologized and then laid a hand over hers. "And I'm sorry to say this…I'm going back with the Initiative."

She laughed dryly, felt her eyes burn with the need to weep. "So that's it?" she inquired, staring at him. "Is that all I get? A half-assed apology and a 'Sorry honey, but I'm rejoining the psycho government operation that nearly got me killed'?"

Riley squeezed her hand. "You can't really tell me honestly that we would have worked out."

She shrugged helplessly. "Maybe. Maybe not…but you're obviously not going to give that a chance huh? Well, see ya later then. And don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out of my life." Standing up, she tried to walk away but he grabbed her and pulled her back.

"I'm sorry Buffy…" he murmured, raking a hand through his hair. "But you never loved me…and I can't live like that. I just can't."

"How do you know I never loved you?" she snapped angrily. "Can you see inside my head? Can you? You must really have superpowers."

Almost gently, Riley brushed a strand of hair away from her eyes. "You don't love me Buffy."

"Okay…" she muttered desperately, "Maybe I'm not in love with you…but I care about you. Do you think I would have been with you this whole year if I didn't?"

"I think…" he began with a wry smile, "that if Angel had ever come back proclaiming his love, you would have left me in a second. And I'm all right with that now. I used to not be, but I've accepted it, and that's why I'm leaving Buffy."

She laughed without humour, the sound cold and lonely. "God, you really must think a lot of me…to think that I would leave you if my ex just strolled into town. What am I to you? Some sort of slut that just sleeps around? What is wrong with me? Why do guys leave me?" she asked, her eyes wide and bright with tears.

"I don't know Buffy," he kissed the top of her head gently. "But I know why this guy is leaving you. Cause he was tired of being second best. Let me ask you a question…and I want an honest answer. Would you ever have fallen in love with me?"

She stared at him, stricken with the question, and didn't say anything.

Smiling sadly, he touched her face briefly. "I guess that's my answer. Goodbye Buffy."

And then he was gone. And once more, Buffy Summers was alone. Just a girl. Standing alone.

~~~
With morning came the sunlight. And with the sunlight came healing. Buffy knew that Riley had done the right thing. And as she was driving around town after dropping Dawn off at school, she said a silent Goodbye to him. He had been a very important part of her life, but one she had always known couldn't last. How could it? He belonged to the day; she belonged to the night.

Sighing, she forced herself to keep driving, wondering where she was going. No sign of Darla and Drusilla was a bad sign, and she didn't even want to think about what they were doing. Glory had been incommunicado lately as well. Obviously she was cooking up a new scheme for Dawn.

Finally, Buffy decided to do the inevitable. She turned the car around and headed for the mansion.

He was so beautiful in sleep, she thought, running her eyes down the marble-like perfection of him, taking in the dark lashes framing his cheeks, the luscious beauty of his mouth…the symmetry of his milky pale body.

Why did it always come back to him? She didn't know, and the question frustrated her. She truly did not want to love him anymore. She would adore it if she could wake up and the burn for him…the one that existed deep down in her belly, would be gone. If it vanished, and she felt nothing but emptiness when she saw him…there might finally be peace.

But she knew that could never be. They had been through so much together. So much apart. Could they ever reclaim what they once had? Did she even want to anymore? Sometimes she could barely even remember the time when they had been lovers. Sometimes her head ached trying to remember.

She was so tired. So weary of life and love. So exhausted from looking after so many people. From saving the world and never getting any thanks for it.

Why do I even fight anymore she wondered, kneeling beside the bed, continuing to study Angel sleeping. What is the point of all of this?

She supposed the point was to keep going. That's all she had to do. But sometimes she wondered where the end was. She recalled Spike telling her that sooner or later "you're going to want it". Was he right? Did she unconsciously wish for death to snatch her, to put an end to the fight. Maybe I want to die so I won't have to give up she thought, reflecting as she played with a piece of the comforter her ex-lover lay on.

She never wanted to give up. She was the Slayer. And she knew her duty. To fight, and bleed and never cry. To help the world and accept that the world was not going to know. That the world would never send her a thank you note.

Lying down on the carpet by the bed, she eased her aching muscles, rubbing them with care. Curling up in a ball, she felt the presence of Angel wash over her. It calmed her and excited her at the same time. But it always made her feel safe. And that's all I want she thought drowsily, yawning softly. To feel safe…to have someone look after me

~~~
"Buffy?"

Opening her eyes required a lot of strength, but she did it, blinking as she stared at him.

"Yes?" she asked, realizing that she was lying on his bed. He must have moved her there sometime during the day. She couldn't tell if it was night or not. "Oh God, Dawn!" she yelped and shot out of bed.

He restrained her with a hand and smiled. "It's all right. Giles picked her up. She's at the hospital, entertaining your Mom."

Buffy moaned. "How could I have been so stupid? Falling asleep like that."

He tilted his head to the side and regarded her seriously. "You do know that you have to sleep Buffy?"

"Duh!" she snapped, and winced, "god that was old lingo."

He gave her his trademark half-smile. "I wanted to wake you up-just to tell you that Spike's been in contact with Dru. Finally. I guess she came by. Was not happy about Harmony."

"I'll bet," she uttered wryly, following him into the main room and accepting the coffee he handed her. "What did she say? Was Darla with her?"

"No," he replied, sitting down at the hearth and resting his elbows on his knees. "Spike said that he started to talk to Dru about leaving, but she's very adamant that they're going to kill you this time."

"That'll be the day," Buffy groused, pacing up and down the long hall pensively. "I wish they'd just make a move so we could get this over with."

"Yeah," he murmured thoughtfully. "Cordy and Wes seem all right. But I worry."

She turned and looked at him for a moment. "You guys are close huh?"

He nodded, his eyes lighting up. "Yeah, we are actually. It's strange. That I'd be close to Cordy. She's changed so much…well…not that much," he amended, laughing softly. "But she's gotten to be such a solider. And Wes is great. Knows all the useless bits of information that somehow becomes useful at one point or another."

Buffy stared at him as he spoke. He really had a life there. It was hard for her to comprehend. For all the time he had lived in Sunnydale, she had been his life. It hurt to know that she wasn't anymore. Even though she had known it, faced with the naked truth was hard to swallow. "Well that's great," she muttered. His head snapped up and their eyes locked.

"What?" he asked, and she sighed, stopping her pacing for a second.

"I guess…hearing you talk about them like that. It's strange. But good," she hastened to reassure him. "I never expected you to really…"

"Find anyone in LA?" he finished. "Me neither. But I'm glad I did. I needed help."

She nodded, and resumed walking up and down the hall, taking sips of her rapidly cooling coffee as she went. "Are you…dating anyone?" she inquired casually.

He was silent for a moment. "Would you want to know if I was?"

Buffy felt her heart stop beating. Wildly, she wondered if he knew CPR. Of course he doesn't you fool! she screamed to herself. He's a fucking vampire, they don't have breath!

But then she started breathing again, and her heart began to pump blood, and the room righted itself. "Are you?" was all she could choke out and he shook his head, staring at her over the rim of his coffee cup.

Buffy let all her breath out in a whoosh and then whirled to face him. "Then why in the hell did you make it seem like you were?"

"I wanted you to know how it felt," he told her honestly, raking one hand through his tousled hair. Buffy saw red. Different shades of it. And all of them dark.

"YOU WANTED ME TO KNOW IT FELT? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?"

Startled by her shouting, he glanced up and said guiltily. "Well I'm human Buffy…sort of," he amended. "And I…wanted you to feel what I feel. When I see you with Riley."

"FOR your INFORMATION," she yelled furiously, "Riley and I broke up! And you have no right to want to hurt me that way! It was your choice to leave me…so FUCKING deal with it!"

Angel flushed with rage and stood up, facing her down. "Do you think I wanted to make that choice?"

"Well I don't know!" she laughed, throwing her hands up in the air. "You made the choice to die for Darla! You made the choice to hit me to protect Faith! It seems like I come dead last on your 'who to save' list these days Angel!"

"I was trying to save you from me Buffy!" he shouted and she went still as he raged. "I've tried to save you from me so many times…but you never listen! You just keep coming back…why do you do that Buffy?" he wept. "I only ever wanted to protect you."

She felt helpless and weak suddenly. "I know Angel…" she murmured, and he wiped the tears from his cheeks.

"It's always pain with us," she observed, despair etching her words and he nodded.

"I know. I was trying to spare you that. When I left."

"And look how well that turned out," she said dryly, wanting to laugh hysterically at the irony of it all. Angel had thought he was leaving her for her own good, but instead he left her with more pain then ever. And that was the thing that he really hadn't realized. Not yet. But he would. She knew that. The question was, would it be too late?

"I'll never move on," she informed him softly, truthfully. "That's not who I am …but someday…you won't be able to come back anymore."

His eyes burned her. And he said nothing. Because he had already known.

you say don't fear your dreams
it's easier than it seems
you say you'll never let me fall from hopes so high
but never is a promise
and you can't afford to lie

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