I sit down on the velvety stairs because my knees are still shaking and I don't want to fall in front of him. Involuntarily my hand goes to my neck to press on the bite and it stings a little as I touch it with my fingers. Angel follows the movement with impenetrable eyes.

Finally he clears his throat and leans against the counter. “How are you feeling?”

“Like my life blood is draining away,” I snap and flip my head back so my hair flows over my shoulders in messy gold waves. “You?”

“Like you're dying,” he responds curtly. “Not good.”

That takes the wind out of my proverbial sails. Sighing, I look at him with green eyes that I know are full of fear. “What are we going to do Angel? We have to do something.”

He nods and doesn't answer. He's thinking. I can tell just by looking at him that his mind is working furiously, weighing out all the options and the pros and cons and all the bull shit I can't be bothered with. What do I care what happens? My Mom is going to be buried under six feet of cold earth in a day and a half. I might as well join her. Dawn…I force myself to remember. Dawn needs you.

“Angel…” I ask suddenly. “How did your mother die?”

His head snaps around to glance at me. “I killed her,” he answers flatly and then I recall him telling me that a long long time ago. A roaring in my ears makes me feel strange.

My throat works to say I'm sorry but finally I give up because it's not worth it anyway. Nothing's going to bring his Mom back. She's bones in the earth now. Back in Ireland with the soft heather and the gravestones. In a few years that's all that will be left of my Mommy to. Bones.

(These dinosaur bones are weird, Mommy. Why did I have to come on this stupid school trip anyway?

It's educational. And shush…your teacher will hear you.

Did you *really* want to chaperone?

Of course I wanted to…what a question!

Mommy…

All right…I already told you, no one else could do it.

(I giggle like a daughter that shares a secret with her mother) I won't tell anyone, promise.

Cross your heart?

And hope to die…

(die) (hope lost…)

…die…)

“We should just do what the Host says,” I tell him wearily and my head flops back slightly. “He's the Boss guy…he knows the stuff right?”

Angel walks towards me quickly and grabs me. I hadn't realized I was falling backwards. He picks me up in his arms and cradles me close. “I never should have put you down,” he whispers remorsefully and I touch his cheek because I remember what it was like to love him and have him leave me. Because I remember those years when he loved me to and everything was golden. When I thought there might be a God.

“You could be turned if we do this,” he informs me as he carries me upstairs. My eyes glance at the soaring ceilings and the endless red and grey and black. All the colours of death and fire. As we enter a room, I know it's his. It smells like him and breathes like him. How can he possess so much presence? It makes me dizzy.

His hands lay me on the bed and I stare up at him, my bones hurting. “I don't feel good.”

He strokes my forehead and belly and his fingers are strong and gentle. His fingers, oh god, are all I need forever. “Do you need to throw up?” he asks me softly and sweat breaks out on my tightly stretched skin. A throbbing emptiness in my belly sounds like the death knell.

“No…I'm hungry…” I whisper and he rears back a little because he knows what I mean.

“Buffy…no…” he cries quietly but I stop him, soothing his face with my hands, trying to sit up, which is getting harder. My body creaks as I murmur;

“I'm going to die if we don't do it. I can't…leave Dawn alone. She needs someone. She needs me…and I can't abandon her.”

“A vampire for a sister?” he mutters angrily and I shrug.

“It's better than no sister. Listen…Angel…” my voice cracks, “I can't die…not now, no matter how much I want to. Dawnie needs me, I have to be there for her. Mommy made me promise…my Mom made me promise.”

His eyes shadow and then clear. He understands me and I know then that he will do it. “Come here…” he draws me close and I press my shaky skin against him, getting as close as I can. He smells me and kisses my cheeks and my hair. “I never stopped loving you,” he whispers against the bones of my shoulder.

That makes my eyes go bright with tears. As the salt drips down my face, I rub the back of his neck, where the hair gets soft and short. “I always loved you.”

He lays me back down against the pillows that are permeated with his scent and opens the bottom drawer of his beside table, drawing out a knife. The silver glints in the faint light. I stare at it and perspiration floods my flesh, because the knife looks sharp and I think it's going to hurt him.

With one long movement, he slides it across his wrist. A thin red line blossoms on his milky pale skin and my eyes go wide, my breathing shallow. Angel's gaze burns me as he extends his wrist to me. Taking it with my trembling small fingers, I stare for a moment at his blood. Angel's blood.

Then I lift it to my lips and watch him watching me. I drink.

Oh God…

(Sshh…just kiss me…

when you kiss me I wanna die

this isn't some fairytale…when I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep…

sleep…

I WON'T let you die! DRINK!

I know everything that you did, because you did it to me…

I wish that I wished you dead

I love you so much…)

Copper and sugar…his blood slips cool down my throat and my tongue sweeps out…my mind whirling in wild hot swirls. Woozily, I creep closer to him, sucking hungrily, the blood dripping over my lips and down my throat, mixing with my own that floods my neck. Moaning slightly, I drink and drink… my teeth scratching at his flesh, my body closer and closer to his. He whimpers and watches me, his eyes black with all the fire I remember.

One million nameless, faceless victims… Darla…Spike…Drusilla… me…it all sweeps into my belly and veins as I grope for more, dropping his wrist and kissing him in a frenzy of hunger that I didn't know I was capable of. Angel yanks me against him, his lips and tongue ravenous in their salty sweet kiss. A wave of heat slams into me as I feel him so hard and hot against my stomach. Pulsing… vampyre… give me life…

“Buffy…” he groans against my neck as his tongue rasps over the long ago bite, and I feel his fangs, so sharp, drive clean and deep into the holes that once opened for him. Gasping, my mouth open, I fall back against his arm, feel the blood leaving me, pumping out of my body into his throat. He swallows and his fingers are suddenly between my legs, inside me and it makes me shudder because they are hot and so am I and I think I'm burning. My ex-lover drinks me and fills me up- fuller than I've ever been. My thighs ache and I spread them as wide as I can, forcing him to go deeper.

“Angel…” I choke out and feel his cheek against my chin as he stops drinking me and I almost growl in frustration. But then his mouth is where his fingers were and I pick up his wrist, my tongue licking the blood streaming from the thin cut. My skin throbs with rebirth and I see huge stars before my eyes before I pass out. Hot blue waxy stars that shimmer just out of reach.

“Buffy…” I hear as I black out into a deep dreamless slumber.

~~~

The first thing I'm aware of when I wake up is the hunger.

It is alive inside me. I need it. Hunger. Peace…give me something…more… throbbing…hot, wet, blood…

I open my eyes and there he is. Sitting in front of me. “Hello,” I say and smile.

He is wary. “Buffy?”

Tilting my head, I glance at him with confused eyes. “Pretty much,” I whisper and he looks stricken and terrified and his hand yanks apart my dress as he presses a hand to my chest.

“No heart beat…” he breathes. “But you're not a vampire…what the hell did I do to you?”

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