Rain streaks my face. I stare up at the clouds as the sky opens up. It turned slate grey a few seconds ago, just as the funeral began. The sun was chased away and now it rains. We're burying my mother near Jenny Calendar. I found that fitting somehow. Fresh earth is dug up around the white coffin. My head hurts. So does my face. I haven't relaxed it all day. I have Dawn in my arms. She smells good and I breathe her hair. Fresh, like flowers. Like the flowers at the gravestone. In my hand is a yellow rose. Mommy liked yellow roses. Willow looks pale and her eyes are so red they look like they're bleeding. Xander and Tara hold her hands, and I'm grateful because I can't comfort anyone but my sister right now. Giles has his hand on Xander's back, giving him strength. My Mommy is lying in that coffin in front of me. I can't see her, but she's there. I have this fantasy that her spirit is with us right now… touching my hair, holding Dawnie. She's here. She's dead, but she's here. It's a stupid dream. She's cold and she's alone and they're going to put mud over her and make it so we never see her again. His arms go around me suddenly and I lean back gratefully. I knew he would come if the sun went in. His hands hold Dawn as well and she murmurs, her small fingers going over his and squeezing the silver rings adorning his thumbs. It makes my throat throb as I see their hands entwined. Tears rush down my face finally. They burn and sting my neck but I don't brush them away because they're distracting me and I like it. Angel kisses the top of my wet head and rubs his cheek against mine. I burrow closer to him and stare at the priest. He is speaking solemnly about ashes and dust and valleys of death. (… “as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” “you wanna walk a little faster through that valley, Mister?” That was mean of Jack to say that…poor man. Oh c'mon…Mom, Jack and Rose have to get to the top of the ship. What are they gonna do…wait for the guy to finish his prayers? He's a scared man… Jack could be a little nicer. Besides Buffy, you're only saying that because you think Leonardo DiCaprio is… what's the word you used? Oh yes…a hottie. (I laugh and wiggle my nose) He is yummy, but that's not why I'm saying that. God…Rose looks beautiful. Even with that drowned rat look. She does. It's really not fair. Definitely not. This is so sad… I can't stand it. Listen to that music…haunting. Haunting…) Dawn sobs a little, and I feel scared at the sounds she's making. The priest ends as he closes the heavy bible with a snap. Nodding to us, he motions for us to come forward. Angel steps back as my sister and I take tentative steps towards our fallen mother. My feet sink into the soggy grass, and it makes sucking noises. Leaning down, I touch the coffin with shaking fingers and whisper. “I love you Mommy.” I can't say Goodbye. My tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth. I won't say it. Dawn trembles as she kisses the top of it and touches it briefly. “Mommy…” she murmurs but doesn't say anything more. With care, I lay the rose down and she does to and its over. I wish there was more I could do. There feels like there should be more. I should be falling to my knees and screaming at the Gods to give her back to me. I should be wailing. I think I should be falling apart. I wring my hands and watch with hollow eyes as they begin to shovel dirt onto my mother. People drift away as they tend to do at funerals. A few brush by me and say something but the roaring in my ears is too loud for me to hear them. I watch the steady motion of the dirt and wet mud… like clockwork it covers the smooth white top of the coffin and fills the spaces around it. Over and over… brown earth chokes her and takes away her breath… no, she can't breathe… no, stop… Arms hold me and pull me back and I realize I'm screaming. Turning into his embrace, I bury my swollen face against the cool fabric of his duster. “Angel…nooo… I want Mommy…” I garbly beg him but he just smoothes my neck and shaking back and kisses my forehead. “Nooo…please Angel…” Doesn't he understand me? Wasn't he always the one that made it all better? That chased all the demons away…that fixed me? I can't stand this. Ragged tearing pain clamps down onto my belly and I double over. She's gone. Isn't she? My Mommy… she isn't coming back. That's her being buried. Just her. And me, I think. That's me being buried to. Just me. She birthed me. She made me and now she's dead. So I'm in there to. My Mommy's dead and they're covering her with dirt. ~~~ We walk. His hand holds mine and the rain still flows over us. The greedy grass is trying to swallow me but Angel won't let it. Mud streaks my bare legs and I want to fall down and let it drown me. “Thanks for being here,” I murmur to my love and he looks down at me, his pale face beautiful. “Don't say thank you. I'll always be here when you need me,” he whispers and stops, drawing me close. I breathe in relief because it hurts to be away from him. I realize now that what the Oracles said was true. Our souls and our blood… we're connected. Looking up at him, I touch his cheek lightly. “What are we going to do?” He knows what I'm talking about. Sometimes I think he can read my mind now. “I'll come down on weekends…and during the week when I can,” he says huskily and brushes a lock of hair out of my red eyes. With a slight sound of grief, his mouth touches mine and it almost hurts. He's shaking and so am I and his teeth knock into my bottom lip. It feels so good. I start to cry because I love him and it's crushing me and press closer, my mouth hungrily kissing him. “Angel…” I sob, the words catching in my scratched throat. “I love you…” “I love you,” he murmurs back and kisses my cheeks and my eyelids, his tongue rasping against my tears. “If you want…I mean…I thought I could stay with you and Dawn for a week or two, to help out…” I hug him so close I'm sure his ribs would snap if he was a human. “Yes.” I say simply. “Thank you.” “Your welcome,” he answers softly. He holds me as the rain continues to fall. end.