I gather up my clothes in the stillness of my apartment. One of Mike's shirts is slung over a chair resting against the wall. I can't help staring at the tiny rip in the sleeve, and the way the collar is turned up. He was always careless about his things. I don't know where he is… the rooms smell stale, as if he hasn't been around for a while. Of course, if he has been possessed by Odin- god knows what he went to do.

I hear the lazy tap of Angel's foot where he sits in the living room. When we came in, he looked down and saw the droplets of dried blood- dark red against the wood- from my split lip and shattered nose. His mouth tightened and he asked me to hurry. I don't blame him for wanting to leave- this place reeks of fury and the past. The ancient past. I wonder if Byrony's blood still stains the halls of Valhalla, where Odin wreaked his vengeance for her unfaithfulness.

After packing everything I want, I tug the suitcases into the hallway and look for a moment at my lover. His eyes are closed. "I'm ready," I murmur and he stands immediately, brushing my arm with careful fingers.

"Do you have the plane tickets?" I ask for the millionth time and he smiles slightly, his lips touching mine.

"Stop worrying. I have them."

I grin and the sides of my face sting from the movement. "All right, all right. Let's go."

I don't leave a note for Mike. Someday I'll deal with him. But there are important things to do now.

~~~

Drawing circles against the fogged surface of the air plane window, I press my nose to the thick plastic and look down at the swirling whipped cream clouds. Everything is a drowning blue up here, as if we're flying underneath a huge ocean. My stomach swoops as I think of being back in Sunnydale. Seeing the cemetary, my old house- so full of ghosts now- Willow, Xander… I can't bear the idea of their pain-streaked eyes. I've never seen them look older than they did at Anya, Tara and Dawn's funerals.

The fringe of blonde hair which lies across my forehead falls over my face and tickles my nose. I feel Angel's hand on my thigh, stroking my knee tenderly. He likes to fly, while I hate it- so he's been trying to reassure me. He showed me all the escape routes and the safety pamphlets- but after I pointed out that no plane was going to crash and float in such a nice way so that everyone could get out on that infernal slide, he just kissed me and shrugged, "Guess it's up to fate, then."

It seems so long since I walked on California soil. Since I felt the hot wash of air across my face and it smelled like home. When I felt with Mike, I didn't really plan on coming back any time soon. It hurt too much to be in a place where so many horrible things had happened. Although I always felt the pull—simply because Dawnie's body was there. I used to go to her grave constantly after she was killed. I'd walk there, and sit on the springy grass, talking to my little sister, imagining that she was there with me.

While taking a walk by myself in Paris once, I stumbled upon a cemetary for unknown children. It was called "Le Jardin des Petits Anges", which I was able to roughly translate to "The Garden of Little Angels". I went back a lot, walking amongst the tiny gravestones, the roses and wildflowers which seemed to grow with rich abundance there, more than anywhere else. One marker in particular was my favourite to sit by. It was the final resting place of a fourteen year old girl. She had no name. But I suppose… she became Dawnie to me, and I sat with her for hours. Keeping her company- the lost child.

Closing my eyes, I feel myself drift, and know I will dream.

~~~

I'm a teenager- naïve and fresh. With awkward long limbs and soft breasts tipped with nipples so rosy they embarrass me when I wear my chiffon gowns. As I cross the hill by my palace, I feel the breeze flow through the corded whip of flaxen hair which I secured at my nape just that morrow.

Finally, I reach the crimson lake which lies flat and still in the valley between the hills. Pulling off my robes, I slip naked into the waters, ducking my head underneath, and watching the drip of poppy-red from the golden strands.

"You appear as if you're covered in blood."

I hear that curious voice and realize it's male. But I don't shriek. I'm not like other girls. I'm a Goddess- a Princess- my mother tells me so. "I'm not. It's the colour of the lake. Haven't you heard of this body of water before?" I inquire condescendingly. The hot brightness of the sun blinks in my eyes. I can't see this boy in front of me. And I want to. His voice is husky- different than the other fumbling young men I know. "It's called The Lake of Rose Madder."

I sigh with relief when the sun moves behind a small cloud in the expanse of sky and then breathe in as I glance at my companion. His hair is black as night- and is pushed back from his forehead as if by a careless hand. He's older than me, I can glean that from the glint in his eyes. He is beautiful, and my belly curls sickly.

"I have heard of it, Goddess," he informs me softly and his cape swirls around his body as he spins to gaze at the palace. "I often swim here. After all, it is famous for that rare purplish tint."

"I know," I respond and feel foolish. "I am sorry for assuming you did not." There is goosebumps on my legs and arms and I feel strange. As if the planet is going to swallow me whole and I don't mind.

His gaze is suddenly upon me once more. "Shall I give you my cape, Byrony?" he asks softly. "You must be cold by now."

"What is your name?" I demand. "You know mine, but I know not yours and that certainly cannot be deemed fair?"

"Certainly not," he answers and there is a slight amusement to his tone. "Alesso. My name is Alesso, Goddess. And if one of the soldiers were to happen upon us… Odin would have my head. You are betrothed to him, are you not?"

"Yes," I reply blankly, not caring. Alesso… his name is Alesso. "It does not matter. I will not marry where I do not love. I will kill myself before I move to the center of Aspar. I am content here… on the edges. It's as if I could fall off at any moment."

He smiles slightly, oddly and says, "Some would say it is an honour to be the chosen Queen for our great planet."

"Not I. I will have something more in my life." I pause for a moment and then dive down deep, arising from the lake, my body running with red. He stares at me, hardly breathing, and then reaches out, touching my cheekbone with his finger.

"Someday I will give you a rose diamond," he whispers. "To match how you looked this day."

And then he is gone. I fall to my knees onto the brilliantly white sand, and wonder how much I will love him and how much he will love me. And I wonder how many lives we will change simply from meeting by the lake on this afternoon.

~~~

I wake just as we are landing. The wings of the plane rush through the air like those of a giant bird, and I stare out the window, the tiny houses getting bigger and bigger as we cut across the earth and come to a bumpy stop on the cement runway. Tears well in the back of my throat. California. Dawnie. My chest hurts and Angel reaches out, his hands cupping my face.

"You're going to be fine," he murmurs, and pulls me close for a long drugging kiss. I cling to his shoulders, resting my forehead against his.

"I can feel Dawn," I say quietly. "She's been calling me for so long, Angel."

"I know," he answers. "But you're home now, Buffy. Remember that… you're home."

Can home really be in a place which straddles the Hellmouth? Can it be a solace… where so many people have lost their lives… where I have been loved and lost and left thousands of times? Stepping off the plane, I inhale and smell the car exhaust and the salt ocean and the palm trees and coconut and realize that for better or worse, I am back in the place that shaped me. The place that holds my mother and Dawn in the rich dark earth. The place where I first met Angel and he told me his name and we clashed with the bitterness of all-consuming love.

This is the piece of land where I met my friends, my dear, dear friends. Brilliant Willow with her whip-smart mind and goofy tongue. Xander with his razor whit and that underlying anger. Xander who loved me for the longest time in that way I could never love him. Giles, who was always my father figure before he was my Watcher. Giles, who I loved with a painful need for approval. Besides Angel, he is who I missed the most.

"You ok?" Angel asks me, his hand a reassuring pressure on my waist.

"Yes," I reply and turn my face up to his. He kisses me in the sunlight and I think I've never felt anything more beautiful.

~~~

As I walk up the steps to Willow and Xander's apartment, I mentally try and prepare what I'll say to them. It reminds me of when I returned from that black summer after I murdered Angel. I didn't know what to say to any of them- how to somehow apologize for leaving them.

Knocking on the door, and taking deep breaths, I watch it open and Willow stands in front of me. Her hair is to her shoulders and a brilliant red. Her mouth curves and she looks me up and down. "Welcome home, Buffy," she greets me and hops down to enfold me in her arms.

I hug her and feel Xander's arms go around me to, and I am lost in the feeling of my high school buddies, my past, breathing into me.

They usher me inside. "What are you doing here?" Xander asks me curiously, the boyishness gone from his face. He still mourns Anya. Every so often, he twists the wedding ring on his finger, and my breath hitches because I miss her to, but I think I don't miss her or Tara enough. All my sorrow and grief was always caught up in the skeins of Mommy, and Dawn and Angel. It was as if I didn't have enough room in me for other miseries.

"I guess Giles told you about the weirdo dreams I've been having," I say.

"We thought that you might come back and talk to the Powers that Be," Willow nods and Xander runs a hand through his hair.

"Or did Angel go to do that?"

"I'm going to meet him in LA," I inform them, and I keep my voice firm. I know that the old bitterness about my lover still resides deep in some bones in Sunnydale, but I don't feel like being sorry for my choices. I don't feel like being guilty. Not this time. "We're together now. And we're going to face them together. Giles told me on the phone that he didn't know if they'd take too kindly to chatting it up with two humans… but since they were the ones who did this… they have to answer some questions."

"You'd think so, wouldn't you?" Xander muses and smiles, touching my arm. "It's good to see you, Buff. We were wondering if you'd ever come back."

"I thought never," I answer honestly. "But a lot of things have happened. Some good. Some not at all."

"Like the bruises on your face?" Willow mentions and I laugh.

"Side effect of the not so good."

"Ah," they don't push and it relieves me.

We stay up until the wee hours, reminiscing, talking, laughing, and then weeping at our memories of those we've all lost and never found. Willow whispers to me that she can't find Tara and promised she always would. It doesn't make me cry. It just makes me ache- for her, for her love… for everything that I should have done and never did. I realize I left them all behind at some point. That I was able to find parts of my past and make it make sense for me again- but they never could. I see it flashing before my eyes- the halcyon days with my friends and my work and my fight- and I know it's gone. All that's left is little pieces- and Angel. He remained complete- and I know I'm blessed because of that. Because he was all I ever really wanted. All I ever really needed. I died the day he left me, and now- I think I might be learning how to live again.

Isn't there some goodness in that?

I think, as I watch Willow and Xander sleep in the early hours of the morning, that they died to. With Tara and Anya. Xander lost his wife, and Willow lost her second chance at love. They couldn't breathe for a while… and it reminded me of me after I let Acathla eat him in the hallowed halls of the mansion. I recall the way I stood there, my face crumpling, the grey of the stone blurring into a glow. Everything seemed to empty inside of me. I didn't know what had just happened. Really know. I couldn't. I licked my lips and tasted the salt of his tears and then stumbled outside where I puked into the grass and flowers growing by the side of the road.

I knew I had to leave. I thought of how it would be to go back to school and have them not understand. Because I knew they would never understand. They hadn't understood how I loved him through it all. It was as if they believed that because he had suddenly become a monster a switch turned off in my brain- entitled "Love Angel". No one got it… no one got how I still craved him with that fierce hunger that burned long into the night. That sticking the sword through his ribs was like killing myself- only worse, because I still had to live.

I watch my old friends sleep and forgive them for never knowing me well enough to completely understand. They wanted what was best for me. I can't fault them for that. Kissing both their brows softly, I grab my coat and begin the long walk to the cemetary.

~~~

Dawn's grave is covered with wilted flowers. They grow thickly, and almost obscure her name. I stare at the letters… Dawn Summers… and don't recognize them. It's occurred to me that over the years my little sister has ceased being a person and has become a presence… a thought, a memory. She is no longer the person she was in life. I guess my brain cannot remember her as Dawnie. She's a series of images now… of flashes, that don't really connect.

"Hi Dawn," I say gently, sitting down in the grass, brushing away the dirt staining her gravestone. "I miss you. I love you…" as I choke out the familiar words, tears fill my mouth and eyes and throat and I swallow, leaning my cheek against my hand. "And I'm sorry, Dawnie. I wish I could have died for you… like I did all those years ago. I wish I could have you here more than anything else… but, as corny as it sounds… I know you're with Mommy now." Pausing, I remember the texture of her hair, and the downy hair on her arms. Salt drips down my cheeks as I have the first clear picture in my head of my sister in so long. "I remember you," I whisper. "And I will always love you." Glancing at the grave of my Mother- beside Dawn's, I smile. "Both of you. Someday… I feel that I'll be with you again. My family."

Rising, I touch both markers with my hands and murmur, "I love you both. Goodbye."

As I walk away, I look back. I know, in the years to come, I'll visit them- many times- but it will never be the same. It can never be the same after a Goodbye. I suppose I always held on to the belief that they would come back to me. I never knew how. But now I know… they're gone.

~~~

When I reach LA, I head for Caritas, like Angel and I planned. He told me there was a contact he had there that he could sound out for information about the Powers that Be. I walk into the so-called demon bar and see my ex-vampire sitting at a table with a large lizard thing.

He spots me and a warm smile touches his mouth. Standing up, he comes towards me and I lean against his shoulder, lifting my face for his kiss. "How did it go?" he inquires.

"Fine. I still have to call Giles after we find out what's going on though."

He nods. "We'll go see him after this is done."

Done. God, that's the nicest word. I just want to know, once and for all. "So what's the what?" I ask, motioning to the green demon he was talking to. "Have you found out what we need to know?"

He sends me a pleading look. "Well… there's a little catch. You see, the Host can only answer our questions if he can look into your soul."
"Huh," I shrug and reply, "Well, that doesn't sound too hard. How does he do that?"

"You have to… well… sing."

"Sing?" I screech and don't care when everyone turns to glare at me. "Sing?? Oh my… Angel… this is the little catch? Uh uh, no way."

"Buffy," he implores me. "I'd do it, but the Host says he can only answer our questions if he looks into you. Please do this, love. It's the only way. You know it is."

"Oh God," I moan under my breath as the Host comes towards us, his red lips stretched into a smile of welcome and glee.

"Has the little girl made up her mind?" he asks in a droll tone which immediately pisses me off.

"I am not little," I answer back and snap, "And yes, I have made up my mind. I'll sing. Fine. Fine," I mutter one more time and head for the stage, hoisting myself up on a stool which rests in the middle of the glossy black floor. A screen a little below me flashes the words and I groan inwardly, never thinking I'd stoop to karoke for answers.

"I'll choose the song for you, honey," the Host calls, his white teeth flashing. "That all right? Fabulous."

Gritting my teeth, I sigh with relief when the first strains of the song fill the bar. I know this tune. Glancing down at the words, I ignore everyone in the whole place except Angel. Fixing my eyes on his, I feel myself start to sing, tentatively.

Chances are you'll find me somewhere on your road tonight
Seems I always up driving by
Ever since I've known you
It just seems you're on the way
All the rules of logic don't apply

My voice gets stronger as I continue, images of Angel and myself- the ghosts from our pasts walking past me. I see us kiss, and breathlessly whisper in the cemetary. I see us fight and me lean close to taunt him.

I long to see you in the night
Be with you till morning light

I remember clearly how you looked the night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me feel so at ease
I remember all your grace and your style

I see him when we first met. The way his eyes hurled me into another life. The words, "I didn't say I was your's…" It was true. He was never my friend in the beginning. He was so much more. He was my lover, my weakness, my redemption, my driving force… my reason for being, my reason for fighting. My everything. Nothing less. He could never be anything less, I realize and my voice almost breaks as I sing, letting everything fill the melody and lyrics. Letting Angel and myself- our past selves- into the song.

And now you're all I long to see
You've come to mean so much to me

Chances are I'll see you somewhere in my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Oh
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer all I have
You're the only one I can't forget
Baby, you're the best I've ever met

Focusing in on the Angel of today, I see the tears in his eyes, and the faint smile touching his lips. He is proud of me, I know, for getting up here. I blow him a kiss as I finish the song, my lips forming the words that speak my heart.

And I'll be dreaming of the future
And hoping you'll be my side
And in the morning
I'll be longing for the night
For the night

As the music dies away, I look up and see tear-streaked faces, identical to my own. I reduced demons to tears? I smile and realize that even if I don't have my Slayer powers anymore, I can still make 'em cry at my feet for mercy. Stepping down, I bow slightly at the applause and feel Angel's arms around me, and his kiss.

"I love you," he murmurs against my mouth. "You know that, right? That I never stopped."

"I know," I kiss him, his lips and cheeks and forehead and eyes. "I always knew. I guess I just didn't let myself remember for a while."

He presses his cheek against the top of my head and holds me to his heart.

"Well, this is touching, kids. But are we going to get into the soul-baring, or what?"

Scowling, I glance up at my lover balefully. "Is he always like this?"

"Much, much worse," he grins and we sit down. Perching myself on Angel's knee, I lean back into the warmth of his leather coat and cock one eyebrow.

"So—do you have the answers?"

"Thankfully, yes," the Host replies sarcastically. "Wouldn't want to disappoint you two. It's so scary when people don't have any sort of supernatural strength—"

"You know… I was allowed to keep mine," Angel warns him.

The demon laughs cheerily and cuffs him on the shoulder. "Only kidding, sonny. Anyway, here's what I can tell you. The little woman is most definitely gonna be giving you a present. In about nine months. The baby is your's… it wasn't placed there by any kind of outer-worldly force. But your essences were a little screwed with. That much I can sense just from looking at you. It seems the Powers that Be were playing some matchmaker game… and saw you two as the prime candidates. But it looks like now that you're knocked up, honey, everything has been put to right again."

"Am I going to keep having the dreams?" I demand, thinking of the plane where I learned how Byrony and Alesso first met.

The Host nods, "Probably a side effect. You were more intimately connected with the spirit of this Goddess than Angel was with the essence of the man. So it seems you'll hold onto some of the relics from this. Namely, the baby and the dreams."

"What is our child's destiny?" Angel asks softly, his hand on my belly. I lace my fingers through his and lean further back into the curve of his chest.

"To help save the world," the demon smiles and then looks pensive. "Pretty big duty. It's gonna happen quite a while from now though so don't get your pants in a twist. What I gathered from her soul was that this Goddess and God's baby was going to father the race that would one day save Earth from an Apocalypse. But when Odin something or other interfered and had her executed, it changed the course of history. Basically, the Powers that Be needed to make sure this race was created somehow. And they chose you. Your child will be the one to father the line now… or mother the line… it isn't clear what the gender is as of yet."

"I'm putting my money on a girl," Angel says, and squeezes me. "Summers' women are always the toughest."

I laugh and feel like crying all at once. I am happy- to be having his child. But I don't like my choices taken away. I don't like my baby's choices taken away. Parts of me know there is nothing to do but accept. And I realize deep inside this is what I will do. But there's still anger and resentment choking my throat.

Then I get up and look at Angel, and know—just know—that no matter what happens- I love him. And that can get me through anything.

"Let's go," I say softly, and lean down to kiss him.

He takes my hands and rises, leaning down to cup my face with his strong fingers. "Where are we going?"

"I don't know," I respond, and touch his cheek. "Somewhere together."

End.

The face of all the world is changed
Since first I heard the footsteps of thy soul
Move still, so still beside me, as they stole
Betwixt me and the dreadful outer brink
Of obvious death, where I, who thought to sink
Was caught up into love, and taught the whole
Of life in a new rhythm. The cup of dole
God gave for baptism, I am fain to drink
And praise its sweetness, Sweet, with thee anear.
The names of the country, heaven, are changed away
For where thou art and shalt be, there or here;
And this…this lute and song…loved yesterday.
(The singing angels know) are only dear,
Because your name moves right in what they say

- VII Elizabeth Barrett Browning