Angel and I lie prone under the shelter. My hands are shaking. We didn't make love in the cool water, he cried against me and we walked back to our little camp, not saying a word. I think I should be asking him what was wrong, right now, but my mouth is silent. It's a humid night, heavy with moisture and the scent of the blossoms growing thickly on the bushes.

I shift and tremble when our elbows brush. “Why were you crying?” I ask suddenly and bite my lip so hard I break the skin again. It's a momentary sting and I welcome it, even though I can already imagine how swollen it's going to look in the morning.

He breathes in and out, and out of the corner of my eye I watch his chest. It's dry now, although some drops of water still cling to his skin. “I don't know,” he finally responds.

“Liar,” I reply calmly and turn over on my stomach, pillowing my head on my tanned arms.

He lets that half smile appear on his face and scratches his eyebrow. “I don't think… I don't think I can take you leaving again.”

“I'm not going anywhere,” I say glibly. “We're on an island, and you know I'm not that strong a swimmer and I don't even have a boat so--”

Suddenly I feel his hand on the bare skin of my lower back, and it stops my rush of hurried speech. His fingers trace the hollow there, and they are warm, rough against my cool flesh. “You've had me from the very first moment. And I can't take you leaving… if we do this…it has to be forever.”

I'm having trouble breathing. Turning to look at him, his eyes drown me. “Can you really promise me that?” I ask him, and my voice wavers. “Can you promise me forever?”

“Yes,” he answers without hesitation and his lips touch mine, so brief, so salty and cool. “I promise Buffy.” His hand threads through the heavy weight of my hair and brushes against the back of my neck. Shivering, I lean in closer, always closer, my mouth hungry for his taste.

With strong hands, he lifts me up and brings me down gently on his chest. I feel so tiny, with all of him under me, and look into his dark Angel eyes, those eyes that I love and that love me. The fire crackles and the flames jump, casting orange and red shadows over us and our surroundings.

Only the stars can see us now. I lean down and kiss him, because I want to. Because for once, out here in the middle of nowhere, on the edge of somewhere- I don't feel afraid of loving Angel. His lips melt into mine and we're breathless, desperate, kissing kissing kissing and falling all over again.

His fingers slide off my tank top and pants, as I remove his khakis carefully, kissing his hard belly with my tongue and hearing the slight gasp wrenched from him. His arms pull me up and his mouth closes over my nipples. Shutting my eyes, I give myself over and all I feel is his hot, wet mouth on my breasts, kissing my heart. My head is thrown back, and my golden hair flows over my back like fire.

He makes a sound of desire and rolls me over, his hands opening my legs. His fingers are hot and inside me and I am burning up. My hands slide over his skin and his chest and back and arms, down to his erection, which throbs in my palms. Imagining its heaviness inside me is enough to make me shudder and moan, kissing his shoulders fervently.

“Angel…” I pant, and draw him to kiss him. “I want you inside me… please.”

He groans and then the heat of him is there, sliding deep, so deep and hard. His hands cup my face and he looks into my eyes as he moves against me, and my legs go around his back. No space between us…nothing can be between us. My face hurts because it's clenched so tight and I can't relax it. His thumbs brush my swollen lower lip and he catches it between his teeth, grinding the bones of his pelvis against mine as he slams deeper.

“Ahhh… ahhhh….” I scream, arching my back as I feel the hot drag of his tongue up my neck and my insides convulse around him. Angel shudders and cries low as he thrusts so deep I feel as if I can't tell where either of us ends or begins and he comes inside me. Filling me. He fills me. He always did.

~~~

I dream. I dream of the night I found out that he had slept with Darla. It was quite a few weeks after my mother's funeral and I was patrolling. Running into Spike was normal. I don't think he ever quite gave up his fixation with me. I tolerated it, as I tolerated him. Somewhere, deep down inside, I was attracted to him.

Maybe because he was part of Angel. He had Angel's blood. Maybe because he was bad and had an accent and bleached hair. He was Spike. I would have to have been blind not to see the sex we could have had.

It wouldn't have been like making love to Angel. No soft words, no love.

It wouldn't have been like it was with Riley. All act and no feeling. All him trying to be something he wasn't.

It would have been wild, take take take, his lips, my skin, everything blurry. With Spike, sex would be sweat, blood and rock n roll.

Sometimes I craved that escape. But I never gave in. Not me.

I dream of the way he walked up to me with a cigarette dangling from his lips, his black leather jacket gleaming in the light of the moon. I scowled at him, which I always did. He favoured me with that cocky smile and leaned back against one of the gravestones. “Went up to LA recently blondie.”

LA. Angel. Damnit, Spike irritated me. “And I should be interested in this why?” I snapped coolly.

“Cause I saw Soul boy,” he told me, and grinned, showing his teeth. “Found out some mighty juicy tidbits about the poufter. Slept with his sire. Didn't know he had the balls to risk his bloody soul.”

My world sort of stopped. My ears roared sickly and my stomach felt hot and syrupy, like I swallowed cough medicine. Spike was staring at me as if he expected me to say something flippant. I just looked at him with eyes gone dead. “Buffy?” he questioned hesitantly.

I almost laughed then. Even in my dream I feel the pain. Then I did laugh. I laughed and laughed, until my belly hurt and felt as if it was bleeding. What a fucking joke. I fell down into the grass and just sat there, my booted feet curled up underneath me.

“Buffy?” Spike's voice was soft. He loved me. Don't do that, I wanted to tell him. Cause I can't love anyone. My heart left after High School and it's never come back.

I knocked away the hand he tried to lay on my shoulder. “Don't touch me,” I warned quietly and thought for a moment. Angel with Darla. I knew she was back. I heard from Xander and Willow who had talked to Cordy. I knew she was back, yeah so... so what if Angel slept with her? So what if he slept with the bitch who tried to kill my mother?

My next thought was irrational. How dare he do this to me? Me? Who is that? Buffy Summers…

… “in two hundred and forty three years, I've loved exactly one person”…

Spike sat down next to me. He leaned against the grave of a three- year- old baby girl and didn't look at me. Maybe I was a scary sight. Every so often I sort of breathed out, because I kept forgetting to. Before the sun rose, I let him help me home. My legs were shaking and I was planning all sorts of things like going to LA and staking Angel, like going to LA and tearing out Darla's hair…like killing myself.

I didn't do any of those things. I dream of the way I walked up the stairs, went into my mother's room and curled up in her bed. One of her books was open on the nightstand. I read parts of it and then smelled her perfume. I closed my eyes and slept in her bed, pretending she was holding me and rocking me to sleep.

~~~

When I wake up, Angel is watching me sleep. I smile at him involuntarily and he grins back, touching my lower lip. “I bit you,” he murmurs teasingly. “Sorry.”

“That lip was doomed from the beginning,” I inform him lightly. “It s'okay.”

He sits up and draws me with him, telling me, “I got some berries, water and fish. Feel like a midnight snack?”

“Any chance you found some ice cream on your travels?” I joke and bite into a fistful of blue berries, feel the juice drip down my neck and wonder at what a mess I must look like. Angel looks at me and arches a brow.

“Sorry, they were all out.”

“Mmm…” I laugh and get a little closer to him by the fire. He reaches out and sets me on his lap. That's when I realize he has pants on. “Angel…” I mutter. “How come I have to be naked while you get to be fully clothed? And who told you to put clothes on anyway?”

“I was out gathering food,” he defends himself, his teeth showing as he half smiles at me. I grab my underwear and slide them on, along with my tank top, wiggling my nose at him.

He kisses me and he tastes like strawberries. Sighing, I lay my head on his shoulder. “Angel…do you think anyone's going to find us?”

“Yes…” he says firmly and stares up at the stars, pressing a kiss to my temple. “It's only been a little over two days. There'll be search and recover and search and rescue planes going over the area. We'll be found. It's just going to take them a little time.”

“I guess.”

I'm silent for a moment then ponder, “What are we going to do for the rest of the night? I'm not tired.”

He grins and leers at me, his brows arching. I giggle and feel young for the first time in a long time. “Can we… well, can we wait a little while? It's been a few years for me, and I'm a little…sore.”

He looks remorseful and I blush. “I'm sorry,” he says softly, gently and burrowing against his shoulder, I nod, trying to think of something to pass the time. Inspiration strikes.

“Hey, I know what we can do. We can sing campfire songs,” I suggest, smiling brightly. “I went to a camp when I was young and I loved that.”

“Sing?” he looks doubtful and laughing, I tickle his sides until he smiles.

“Come on…there's no one where but me. Let me think…we could sing anything… um…” I pause and sort through the songs I know mentally, discarding ones I know Angel would never get or like. “Hmm…what about Jack and Diane?”

He looks at me and shrugs. “Buffy, you know, singing? Not really my thing.”

“You love it,” I crow, in no mood for his reluctance and get up, swaying by the fire, warbling one of my favourite songs. “A little ditty 'bout Jack and Diane… two American kids growin up in the heartland. Jackie gonna be a football star, Diane's… don't know the word… back seat of Jackie's car. Sucking on chilli dogs in the back of the tasty freeze… Diane's sittin on Jack's lap got her hands between his knees,” I grin at him and he laughs involuntarily as I grab his hands sway in front of him. I know the fire and the night sky outline every curve of my body and I see his eyes blacken with wanting me. Feeling power, I dance to the beat in my head, continuing to sing: “Jackie say hey Diane… lets run off behind those shady trees… don't know this part… and yeah…” I giggle, “life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone…”

He comes up behind me and picks me up, swinging me into his arms. I shriek and laugh, as he twirls me in the air. The wind rushes by my ears and his hands are hot around my waist. We run up and down the beach, trying to sing. Angel shows me what a horrible voice he has, and I love it. I feel young and sixteen again. Before Angelus, before Faith, before everything. Before we were doomed.

As we run, I look behind me and see the fire crackling, a tiny pinprick of light in the distance, and our shelter, solidly standing, waiting for us to return. It looks reassuring. It doesn't look unfamiliar. Taking Angel's hand, I stop him and try and breathe. He smiles down at me and kisses my lips.

“Angel…” I pant and look into his eyes. “Is this going to work when we get home?”

He looks at me quizzically. “Why wouldn't it?”

“Because…we're on an island. Without the rest of the world. What if when we rejoin society…this all falls apart?”

He takes my face between his hands and calms me with his fingers. “Buffy, the problem was never the rest of the world. It was us. We've managed to not kill each other yet. I think we're ok… and I think we're going to be ok.”

“You promise?” I inquire, and stand up on my tiptoes, winding my arms around his neck.

“Do you need me to?”

“Yes.”

“All right. I promise, Buffy Summers. I promise that we're going to be ok.”

I don't smile, but I do kiss him. Far behind us, the fire waits and beside us, the waves crash on the shore.

next