I've already fallen for LA. I didn't know if I would, to be honest, since it's so busy here, and there's supposed to be a lot of smog. But I think things might be better. At least I hope they will be. I like the way the sun shines here. It's different than in Sunnydale definitely.

I was so happy when Giles told me I could probably slay just as well in LA as I could in Sunnydale. Even though the Hellmouth was still, well, Hellmouthy, it wouldn't be that big a deal and they would just call me back if they had any trouble.

I know the gang was upset about my leaving, but not that badly. I mean, Will has Oz, Xander has Anya and Giles isn't even my Watcher anymore. Mom kinda wigged, but I think she'll be fine. Anyway, I think she likes me living with Dad and spending more time with him. That was the reason I gave her anyway, for leaving the 'Dale. I didn't want to tell her it was because I realized I was heading for the edge. Sleeping with Parker and taking stupid risks when I was slaying. Not to mention the fact that Spike almost beat me in a fight.

I've already registered at UCLA, which is a huge campus and a little scary. But I'm hoping all will be well. When I was picking my classes I decided to take a lot of psych and English, stuff like that. I don't start for another week. Some glitch in the scheduling. But that's fine with me. Gives me a lot of time to work on my tan, which has been sadly neglected lately, and buy some new clothes. I've noticed a lot of people have very tiny clothes on here, and are almost always on roller blades. I thought that only happened on Beverly Hills 90210.

~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Hey LA girl

Buffy

, How is life in Los Angeles? We all miss you tons out here. The vamps aren't that bad though. I thought they would go nuts when you left, like, 'Hello, free food and no Slayer!' But it's been strangely quiet.

School is fine, but it seems empty without you. My psych class is very fun. 'Course I am the only one that would fine learning about operant conditioning fun! Xander and Anya are still going, although I don't know if I'd call what they have a relationship! She's a demon, for crying out loud! I guess I'm not one to talk, cause Hello! Dating a werewolf, but anyway. Speaking of demons, you mentioned in your last e-mail that you weren't planning on informing Angel you were LA bound. That changed? Have you seen him yet?

I miss you a lot. I hope things are better...

W

~~~

The beach isn't really busy today. My skin prickles under the hot sun and I rub some coconut and vanilla oil on it, hoping the SPF in it isn't too high. I want a good tan. Sometimes I wonder about skin cancer, but I figure, Slayer equals short life span, so what does it really matter?

Right now I'm reading “The Deep End of the Ocean” which is about a missing child. It's haunting, and it's made me cry already, which is weird for a book to do. As I'm reading, I keep looking at the sea. It's green and inviting, curling on the shore like something alive.

When I was little I used to look at the ocean and wonder what was underneath it. It scared me. My father told me it was two miles deep, and being little, I didn't know how deep that was. It just sounded like a long way. He held onto my hand and I pressed my baby cheek against his sun-warmed arm, knowing that my Daddy would never let me fall in. That's the security kids have I guess, but now I wonder if anyone would reach out to catch me.

Adjusting the straps of my tiny black bikini, I contemplate for a quick second taking the top off, but reject that idea. I don't feel that free. No one should ever feel that free. Maybe I'm just being prudish. Although I doubt that Parker would think so. Ugh. I made a promise to myself I wasn't going to think about him. And here I am, slipping his name into my thoughts. It isn't even about him really. It's more about the idea of me sleeping with someone that fast. It was our first date and I went right to bed with him, to his smarmy red sheets. I'm surprised they weren't black satin.

You know, it's funny, the whole time I was in bed with him, I kept thinking about Angel. That's sick, isn't it? I didn't tell anyone that. I guess it was a lot of things. I was thinking, 'Wow! Look at me, with someone else. I must really be over him!” and all this. But I was also thinking, “God, what am I doing?” Like, I don't think it was possible for me to cheapen what I had with Angel, any more than that. And I think Spike told him about it.

I can't even explain the rage I felt when Spike was taunting me about Angel saying I wasn't worth a second go or something. I know he wouldn't say that, but still, it hurts.

And I haven't even called him. I never went through the dumped girlfriend routine of calling him like thirty times a night and begging with him to come back to me. I didn't even play lots of sad music and wallow in misery and ice cream. Sometimes I wonder why not. And then I realize I thought I was beyond that, and that our relationship meant more than that. That I couldn't get over him just by gaining a couple pounds from food and watching bad, sappy girl movies.

Instead I let some guy come inside me and hoped he would make me feel full. God, I feel emptier than ever.

The sun is so hot. I don't want to be out here anymore. Sand is scratching my thighs and making me feel itchy. Leaving my stuff, I dive into the ocean and feel the cool green water close over my head, lap over my face and get into my nose. The salt is still burning me, but it's a cool burn, and I welcome it. Flinging my arms out to the sides, I embrace the sea and a wave crashes over me, it's white foam hungrily devouring the beach.

My hair is wet and long and blonde, and my suit sticks to my tanned skin. A lot of guys are looking at me, but I want to warn them this isn't the pretty picture they imagine. It's only part of it. Like a Christmas card. One part is the crackling fire and pine tree. The other part is the man dying of a drug overdose just in time to wish his kids a Merry Christmas.

~~~

From: Snoopy56@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Checking in

Buff,

Hey chickie. I'd like to now apologize for greeting you that way. How are things in LA? Sunnydale is one boring town without our fave Slayer. Any chance of you hopping back on a bus or something to see all of us? I hear from Will that you started your first semester at UCLA. Hope it's working out good for ya. And she says you made some new friends to…Beth and Juliet or something? Hope they're cool.

Any boyfriends? I know the guys must be lining up. What did I call you once? “The Buffinator?”

We all miss you. Hope you're not saying, 'like whatever' and you haven't let the suntan lotion go to your head.

Xander

~~~

“Do you even get West Civ?”

Beth is such a talker. Juliet is the quiet one. I like both of them, to a point. I smile at her and point to one of my open books. “Nope, that's why the studying is happening.”

Juliet plays with a strand of black hair listlessly. It's hot out in the Quad where we're studying and sometimes I wonder if there is anywhere in LA that is not oppressively stifling. There must be. Maybe it's just the time of year. “But seriously,” Beth persists. “It shouldn't even be a subject . West Civ…abolished.”

“For the good of all man,” Juliet puts in, grinning and rolling her golden eyes. She looks like a cat, and I think she's pretty. In a strange way. Maybe beautiful is the word. Beth is more kewpie doll cute, with her curly fair hair and blue, blue eyes. “Hey, Buffy, want to come to the Starlight tonight? Please?”

It's not like I haven't gone before, but I really don't want to go dancing tonight. I'm not sure why. But as Juliet turns her pleading eyes on me, I know I'll say yes. She's a demon, this girl. I hate saying no to her. Beth giggles and claps her hands, saying, “That guy that loves you will be there.”

“Oh great,” I answer, wondering how I'm going to blow off this guy. He is a pure golden boy, very cute and all, but I haven't been out with anyone since I started school a month ago and I don't intend to start now. “Just what I need. More slobber from James.”

Juliet laughs but Beth pouts. “He's such a sweetie.”

“Yes,” I agree. “Sweetness is happening. But so is large amounts of boring and even more of 'please sleep with me cause I have puppy dog eyes'.”

I can see that Beth is irritated. She doesn't get why I don't date. I haven't told them about Parker or Angel.

Angel…

Being in the same city as him again is strange, but I haven't seen him and I like that. If I did, I don't know what I would do. Besides, LA is always so sunny. I just assume that he's out in the darkest parts of the night. I patrol every night, and slay a lot of vampires, and I do my duty, but I never see him. Thank God. If any God is watching.

“So you'll come out?”

My eyes focus on Beth. “Sure. Lots of dancing at the Starlight. Lots of fun.”

~~~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: I need to talk...

Buffy,

Oz left me. I'm in shock. I need you. Please call me. I keep calling you, but your Dad says you're out.

I can't even think. I can't breathe. Please, Buffy…I need to talk to you...

W

~~~

Whew. I'm dancing and hot. Everyone is sweating. I can smell lots of lust and hormones in here. It's my slayer senses. Beth is wearing some little blue dress, and it looks like the ocean. Juliet is in something red. It's tiny. She appears panther-like and is beautiful.

Me, well, of course I'm in black. I think that's all I wear. It's a strappy thing that I picked up today to wear tonight, and it's skimpy. My legs flash golden as I whirl around with lots of guys that I don't even recognize. There's a song playing that I love, “Smooth” by Santana.

Man it's a hot one
Like seven inches from the midday sun
Well I hear you whispering the words, melt everyone one
But you stay so cool
My monoquita
My Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa
You're my reason for reason, the step in my groove
And if you said, this life ain't good enough
I would give my world to lift you up
I could change my life to better suit your mood
Cause you're so smooth…

My dress is sticking to my thighs where they are slick with sweat. It's a good sweat. Smells like power and vanilla, coconut and sin.

Mmm…my hair is whirling around me like a bolt of silk. It feels heavy, but yet light, like a cloud full of rain. My throat is parched and I gesture to Juliet that I'm going to get a drink. “Get me a margarita!” she yells and I laugh.

“That ID better work!” I call back, and then stop, wondering if anyone heard me. No one is listening of course, the sultry beats of Santana working it's magic. As I walk up to the bar, and fish some money from my underwear (there wasn't anywhere else to put it) I try and decide what to get.

“Two lime margaritas please” I say to the bar tender and lean over a bit. He's so preoccupied with checking out my breasts that he doesn't even ask for an ID. Flush with victory, I turn and am faced with him.

Angel.

The world stops.

It literally stops turning.

“Buffy.”

His voice is shocked and my face goes red. Without even thinking, I toss back the margarita like it's water and feel the cool slide of ice and tequila down my throat, momentarily choking me. A drop of ice dribbles down my neck and drips into the cleft between my breasts. He watches it with dark eyes gone black as pitch. My voice squeaks as I reply. “Hi!”

That was too bright. Rob Thomas croons, well I'll tell you one thing, if you leave it'd be a crying shame... *No kidding* I think and smile at my former lover with white, fresh teeth. “Hi.”

Hmm…I just said that before. He raises his eyebrows and says, “Hi. What are you doing here?” He's shaken, I can tell, and that makes me feel so good. Ha ha, Angel, your turn to feel like you don't know what hit you. Hope you feel like you can't breathe.

“I live here,” I answer and take another long sip of margarita, realizing that I'm drinking from Juliet's. I know she won't mind. I need this alcohol. “Small world.”

He arches a brow again and regards me with narrowed eyes. Damn. I hate when he looks at me like that. And he looks wonderful. His pale skin so untouched by sunlight, so pure, his eyes dark and sweet like chocolate. I catch a glimpse of his teeth as he tugs on his lower lip with them. He never used to do that. Must be a new habit. My chest hurts. Wonder what other new habits he has. “Not that small,” he responds and then hesitates before asking, “Are you here visiting your father?”

“No. I'm living with him. I'm UCLA girl now.” This conversation is starting to make my eyes burn with the need to cry. I haven't wept over him since that one day with Willow, and I don't intend to ruin a perfect record. “Anyway, good to see ya. But I think I better go rejoin my friends.”

His eyes flash. Jealousy? “You here with…someone?”

Oh that's just swell. He thinks he has the right to care? Oh God, I want to throw up. The tequila is meeting my stomach and my stomach does not want to be friends. “With people,” I answer obliquely.

As someone jostles him, the DJ starts playing a slow song. Oh, no, oh God…it's “Wild Horses” the one we danced to at the Prom. His head snaps up to look at me, and I can see he remembers. I'm gonna pretend I don't. “Can we dance?” he inquires. “I'm in the way of people here.”

Some parts of me long to say no, cause he doesn't deserve to dance with me. And I'm scared to dance with him. That thought makes me say a careless, “Sure”. Scared? I don't get scared anymore. I can do this.

Childhood living is easy to do
And the things you wanted, I bought them for you
Graceless lady, you know who I am
You know I can't let you, just slide through my hands
Wild horses, couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses couldn't drag me away

His arms are strong, the muscles flex as he wraps them around me. Oh I don't want to feel this way, but it's hard not to. I don't press my face against his chest. Or look up at him. My eyes are fixed to some point past his arm. His smell envelops me. It's like incense and fear, and the night. It smells like home.
That irritates me. I like things that smell like suntan lotion, and sunshine and sand and the ocean. Things that most decidedly do not smell like home.

I watched you suffer through a dull aching pain
Now you've decided to show me the same

“Buffy…why didn't you tell me you're living here?”

His voice next to my ear startles me. Am I really dancing with Angel? I would like to believe this is just a dream. Or a nightmare. “Oh…I was going to. Maybe. Sometime. You know, I thought it'd be best not to confuse things so soon after. I mean, aren't couples supposed to wait awhile before they see each other? I thought that's how it was supposed to go…” Is that me babbling? I have to stop myself.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

He sounds confused. So am I. I don't know what's happening. Suddenly it feels like we're back in the old gym in Sunnydale High, streamers and balloons floating across the ceiling, the scent of nostalgia and suppressed excitement filling the air as we dance and our tears are silent. As we pretend it isn't Goodbye. Not yet.

“Well…I should go,” I tell him blankly, and smile. It's so easy to smile. Just a reflex of muscles in my cheeks. They don't care if I'm happy. They'll smile whenever I tell them to. “Really…nice to see you.”

“Thanks for the Gem,” he says suddenly, and I turn back, my eyes meeting his.

“Oh, Oz did get it to you?” I'm interested despite myself. I had forgotten that I gave that to him.

“Yeah…I had to destroy it. Sorry.”

Figures. He destroyed us. Why wouldn't he destroy the one thing I give him? “No problem.”

“Can I see you again?” he asks, almost desperately. “I mean…I could show you around my offices. You could see Cordelia again. She works for me now.”

“Maybe…sometime…”

I don't want to commit to anything. But he half-smiles and then he's gone, his black clothes mixing in with the rest of the revelry and I'm left standing, stock still, unable to move, as always. It's like being hit by lightening.

~~~ My room is small at my Dad's and he's never home. Always working. I'm sort of beginning to realize why my Mom divorced him. Switching on my computer, the light greets me and I scowl at it. Willow's e-mail comes up and I feel the tears start as I read it. Balling up on my bed, I call her and we both weep. I forgot how much I miss her. She's in shock and so am I. Oz left her and Angel left me and neither of us know how to breathe without them.

I thought I was learning. But now he's back, and I know I'm going to be forced to deal with him one way or the other.

Willow and I talk all night and for a while, I feel like the Buffy I used to be. Her sobs are coming deep and gasping through the phone wire and she sounds like me months ago. “I never thought he would leave.” Her voice is choked and I can tell she wants to throw up.

“I know…” I try to sound soothing, and I'm sure I fail.

“I miss you…” she sniffs and a tear slips from my eye. Willow. I miss her to. I miss a lot of things, but they can't be brought back. And neither can I. “I miss Oz…how could he leave me?”

“I don't know,” I answer softly, looking out the window at the stars. “I really don't.”

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