I feel like a criminal. I'm in English and I'm sinking down in my seat as far as I can go. I haven't been here in a long time, and I've missed the last few assignments. The Professor hasn't said anything, but they never do. Cause really they don't give a you know what whether I fail. I'm paying to take their course.

It's cool in here, much to my happiness. No more heat wave, at least not inside. The guy beside me is tapping a pen on his thigh. I think he wants me to look at him. Or else he's just being irritating. I watch the teacher as she lectures. Her mouth is so red I'm blinded. It looks like Juliet's mouth. I wonder where she is. I haven't seen her in a while and I don't even know if I want to.

Angel and I didn't get any sleep last night. We made love over and over, our bodies were drenched in sweat and he kept kissing me with desperate lips, and I wanted to lose myself. It was a heady kind of escape that I've only experienced once before. That rainy night when I didn't know what was to come later. All I knew was that he loved me. He loved me enough to hold me and be inside me.

I wonder what his life will be like after I'm gone. Will he continue his quest, or will it be too hard with his humanity? Will he wander from country to country, heartbroken? Or will he marry? Will he find someone else to love, to live for, to share his existence with? My chest hurts and I shift in my seat. My leather pants suddenly feel binding, and I long to strip them off. I know I should want him to marry and find happiness. But I don't.

I can't believe I'm thinking this, but I don't. I want him to love me forever. I want him to be faithful to me.

That's selfish.

I've always been a little selfish. I like to keep what's mine. I suppose everyone does. When I was little I wanted my family to stay together. Even with my girlish eyes I could see things falling apart. Grandma Elizabeth used to tell me not to worry, that everything would work out. Now that I think back, she winked when she said it. Maybe to tell me she wasn't serious…that things have a tendency to work out in ways that we didn't want?

I remember sitting out on the balcony with her on our trip to Hawaii. She had on a silky dressing gown with a matching nightie. I thought it was glamourous, and she laughed and said she always tried to look her best. I snuggled onto her lap and she sipped a drink and we watched the stars. When I touched her cheek, she sang to me. I don't remember the song. It was slow, weepy and even as a seven year old, it stuck in my brain.

Now I look back and wonder if she was ever happy. As a girl I thought she was, because she smiled and laughed and wore bright clothes with swirling flowers that grew like a beautiful garden on the material. Because of her grin, she was pretty and looked young. She told me all the time that when I was older she was going to tell me about all the lovers she had as a teenager. I loved that word. Lovers. It sounded exotic and forbidden. It sounded like something I wasn't supposed to be hearing.

I never got to hear those stories. I wonder now who were the men who made her blush and want to kiss them. I wonder who they were. I'll never know.

~~~

The professor assigns something and I write it down quickly, trying to look attentive. Maybe if I bull shit enough, she'll believe that I do actually care about her class. Yeah, right.

The Council told me the other day that the End of Days could be soon, which made me shudder. I don't want it to come and yet I yearn for it. I want it to be over. This waiting is driving me crazy.

My funeral will probably be a quiet event. I don't know how my parents are going to explain my dying. Willow and Xander will lean on each other and cry and remember me the way old friends do. They love me like a sister, someone who they know inside and out. Anya will shed a tear and then ask when they can go to the reception for the food. I almost laugh at the thought and then catch myself, remembering that I'm in class.

Giles will help my mother through it, and let everyone lean on him, while he feels guilty about not being able to protect me. My mother will weep and reflect on how she never understood me and then she'll go home to an empty house. She'll pretend I just ran away again and that I'll be back someday. She'll pretend nothings wrong.

I wonder if Oz will come back to be with Willow. I hope so, because she'll need him.

Angel.

He'll be strong. I know this, because I know him and I always have. But when he's alone, he'll break and he'll want me there to hold him. But I won't be able to.

Tears are burning behind my eyelids and I blink them back, looking down fixedly at the floor. Angel will go on, because that's all he knows how to do. But he won't ever forget me. I'll be in his dreams at night.

~~~

It's 3:30 and class is over. I glance out the window as I gather up my things and think maybe I'll go down to the beach. I need to see the water.

As I leave, I run right into Juliet. It doesn't surprise me. She seems to turn up whenever I least want her to. “Hi,” I greet her curtly and she looks faintly amused.

“Not happy to see me?”

I lean in close and whisper, “I've got a stake on me. Irritate me again and you're dust, got it?”

Take that. She looks startled and then says, “Come to the cafeteria with me. I need to talk to you. Explain some things.”

I forget about the ocean with a sigh and answer, “Fine. Lead the way.”

We enter the huge cafeteria and I get a milkshake because it's cold and sweet and I'm hot all over. I'm not sure why. I miss Angel. I purposely pick a table far away and in a corner so no one can over hear. I don't want to be known as “Psycho Buffy”.

Sipping the ice creamy drink, I nod to her. “Talk.”

She stares at me for a moment and then sits back, her black stretch top slinking over her flesh like a black cat. “Fine. Look, I know the Council has told you that I don't work for them anymore. I'm sorry for lying like that.”

“Why did you?”

“Because they weren't going to tell you about the End of Days,” she informs me and I had already guessed this, but it still comes as a blow.

“And you decided to warn me?” I snap, covering up my discomfort. “Why would you, Juliet?”

“I told you, I love you,” she replies with a soft smile. It scares me. I actually think she's telling the truth. “I know you don't love me, Buffy, and I accept that. I never expected you to. I told you because I wanted to give you time to formulate a plan, with Angel. The future of this planet lies in your hands, you know that.”

“Story of my life,” I snark and take a gulp of my drink thoughtfully.

“You and Angel have to work together. All will be lost if you can't.”

“I know that,” I cry, and set my drink down with a grimace. “Geez, Juliet, sing me a different tune here, its getting old. What am I supposed to do? You can't fight destiny.”

“No,” she agrees and taps her long red nails on the table. “But you can work around it. Angel could…well, the Powers would probably give you your life back if he agreed to be a vampire again.”

“Oh my God, no!” I snap at her, not even considering what she's saying. It's not going to happen. “I would rather…I would rather die a thousand times than take away Angel's dream. I want him to be human…I want him to have his redemption. He deserves it. And don't even thinking about going to Angel and mentioning this to him.”

Juliet nods, and reaches for the milkshake, taking a long sweet sip and licking her lips. “Fine. Look…” she hesitates and then plunges on, “I lied to you about something else. You and Angel…you are destined.”

“What?” I almost choke and stare into her golden eyes. “What do you mean? You said we weren't.”

“I know. I lied. I was jealous, and didn't want to even admit out loud that you two…were meant to be in every way. It's written in the prophecies. The Slayer and the souled Vampire… you two were fated to meet and love and fight and become the greatest warriors there has ever been. He was not fated to leave you, however, and because of that…you changed things.”

“What things?” I ask her and she looks sad.

“History was rewritten. That is why you die, Buffy. That is why you're going to die. Because Angel left you. It's a trick of time…if he hadn't…you two would live out the happy lives you were originally slated to have.”

A roar in my ears drowns out all the other noises in the cafeteria. My eyes blink and I can feel tears welling behind them. What is she saying to me? I'm going to die because of Angel? No, this can't be true. He can't ever find this out…it would destroy him. “Wha—“ I can't even talk. My throat feels scratchy and the cool slide of the milkshake feels like ashes.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…

“No,” I whisper, but it comes out like a moan. “No…you're lying.”

She's quiet and firm and I know she's telling the truth and my stomach heaves. “I'm not lying. I'm sorry. I have no reason to.”

“No,” I repeat, and stand up. I leave her, murmuring, “No. No.”

The afternoon sunshine is hot and it burns me. I walk for hours, my feet tapping against the pavement. It's too humid to think so I just concentrate on breathing. That seems to help.

I end up at the ocean as I knew I would. It curls onto the sandy shore and looks alive. As I'm staring at it I remember the dream I had when Angel died.

How did you find me here? If I was blind I would see you…

Will he still see me, even when I'm dead? My eyes are dry as I sink down and press my face into my hands. I don't know what I'm looking for. A safe harbour? This isn't it, I know that.

~~~

From: Snoopy56@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Hey, Chiquita banana
Buff,

We've been in full research mode over the prophecy thang, but nothings turning up. We'll keep looking though.

Giles looks sadder every day. I gotta say, depressing. I know you wouldn't want to talk about it, Buff. Don't worry.

Anyway, we're working hard. Hope everything's ok with you? (Besides the whole prophecy thing…)

Miss you

Xander

~~~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Bored and bored

It's late and I'm looking up stuff on the net. Another fun night here in Sunnydale. Ugh.

Hope you're thinking of coming back soon? Nothing much is happening here. We keep seeing those military commando guys around when we sorta attempt to patrol. Surprisingly the vamps haven't been that bad. Spike says its because they know the End of Days is coming up.

How's Angel? I hope you two are better. And Cordy? She must be a pain to have around.

Oh, joy. I have to go do muchly Science homework. Who am I kidding? I love Science. A geek, yes. Shh! Don't tell anyone. Ha.

Love you lots,

W

~~~~

As I'm sitting in the bedroom, I wonder if I should tell Angel or not. Even though it's only been since yesterday that she told me, I can't stop thinking about it. Sighing, I flop back and rub my tummy. It hurts and I remember I haven't eaten in a while.

“Hey.”

I could listen to him speak forever. It's corny, but his husky voice just reaches down deep into my belly, and tugs on my heart. Sitting up, I push my messy hair away from my face and turn. He's wearing a tux. That's my first thought. My second is that he looks…painfully gorgeous.

I raise an eyebrow at him and grin. “What's going on?”

“I'm taking you out,” he says softly and comes forward, grasping me lightly by the shoulders and making me stand. I gape at him and gesture to my sweats and T-shirt.

“Um…hello? Look at you…there is a lot of nice dressiness happening. But me…well…I hardly look-“

He cuts me off by handing me a dress. “I found this in one of the shopping bags in the closet. Thought it was nice.” The way he says nice makes my knees literally go weak. It's a black strapless slinky affair that I bought on impulse as Cordy and I were leaving a vintage shop.

“Ok…” I nod helplessly and he gives me a little push towards the bathroom.

“Be quick, love,” he grins. “I have reservations.”

Okay, this is a dream. But I don't care. He's taking me out? I don't remember him doing this when we were a couple before? My legs are shaking as I take off my clothes and run a quick bath, immersing myself in vanilla scented bubbles. I giggle a little and decide right then and there that I'm going to look my absolute best tonight.

Spraying vanilla perfume over my smooth flesh, I apply minimal make up, cause I know he likes that. Just some gold accents here and there and a touch of red lipstick. My hair dries silken and straight and I tie two pieces back with a clip, leaving the rest flowing down my back. As I slide the dress on, I remember that I thought it looked vampy in the store when I saw it. It's positively sinful, and I imagine Angel's face. It clings and moves with me, like a tube of silk. Perfect.

Slipping my feet into black strappy stilettos, I take a breath and exit the bathroom. He's standing by the window, looking out into the endless LA night. He's holding a pure red rose. My heart pounds as he turns and his eyes go black. He doesn't say anything for one long breathless moment. “You're perfect,” he finally tells me so quietly and tenderly and I hope to God I won't cry because it'll mess up my mascara.

“You look hot yourself.” My remark makes him half smile and he gives me the rose, brushing a gentle kiss to my lips and taking my hand.

We drive in his black car with the top down and its everything that I've ever wanted. The night sky winks at me as we pull into a swanky restaurant outside of the city. Lights shine in the windows and he helps me from the car.

The inside is intimate and dimly lit, perfect for a romantic evening. A dance floor in the centre holds many swaying couples and the music of the piano in the corner makes me smile. “It's beautiful,” I remark to him and he grips my hand, obviously pleased with my happiness.

The maitre-d seats us and gives us menus. “When did you decide to do this?” I ask Angel curiously and he grins sheepishly.

“I've had it planned for a couple days. I wanted to surprise you. You are surprised right?”

That makes me laugh. “No…of course not. Why else was I sitting there looking disgusting in sweats and a ratty T-shirt?”

We order and the food arrives quickly. As we talk and eat, our eyes lock and burn and the music of the piano winds a seductive spell around us. I can't stop looking at him and his eyes are hungry for me. We talk about things that don't matter. Nothing about death. Nothing about war. We're just a normal couple tonight.

“Dance with me?” he asks softly.

I smile and he takes my hand, leading me onto the floor, drawing me into his strong arms. I can feel my whole body melting into his and it's sweet, so sweet. His head rests against mine as I press my cheek into his neck. The fabric of his shirt caresses my skin and he pulls me closer, until we are barely dancing, just swaying and I'm breathing heavily. This is home. This is where I belong.

“I love you,” he murmurs and my mouth curves and my eyes fill.

“I love you,” I respond and his hands drop to link with mine and we dance that way, lost in it, lost in each other.

~~~

On the way home, I sit with my head on his shoulder and play idly with his sleeve.

“Want to stop at the beach?”

“Mmm…” I utter in way of a response.

The waves crash as we take off our shoes and walk hand in hand, our toes sinking into the soft white sand. I can almost forget everything else that is going on when I'm out here. At the sea's edge, with Angel by my side. I can almost forget I'm the Slayer. I can almost forget I'm destined to die in a couple of months. Almost.

Taking off, I start to run by the water and Angel laughs, following me, as my feet splash in the cold surf and my face is stroked by the warm night. I feel his arms and I turn, kissing him and unbuttoning his shirt as I push him up onto the dry sand.

He tastes salty and cool and like heaven. His arms wrap around my small body and my dress is removed with only the faintest whisper of silk. My skin is hit with the air and I feel the goose bumps appear. His eyes go dark and he leans forward to kiss my collarbone and breasts. Unbuckling his pants, I push them down his legs with ever increasing urgency. His long fingers stroke up and down my thighs and he rolls over so I'm on bottom and I feel the sand rub against ever inch of my exposed flesh. “Please…” I groan and then he's inside me, hot and hard and so full that I can't breathe.

I bite my lip until I draw blood and my throat closes over as he shudders, moving within me and against me. Our only witnesses are the stars and the surf, and my legs wrap around his back, holding him as close as I can. “Angel! God…I love you…”

The keening of a gull far out in the ocean drowns out my scream, and he trembles against me, kissing my lips. I can feel the salt from his tears and I wrap my hands around his head, drawing him down to cradle him against my breasts. “Shh…”

Angel rests against me, his sobs finally silenced. Me, I don't sleep for a long time. I stare up at the stars and listen to the sound of the waves hitting the beach.

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