Class is boring. Whoever invented Psychology should be taken out and shot. Well, maybe just put in jail. At least it's a little cooler in here so my body doesn't feel like it's roasting.

I hate coming back to school after Christmas. I always did. It's a new year. 2000. Woo hoo. Who cares? Y2K didn't happen. Not that I thought it would. Neither did my father, he didn't even buy any extra canned goods.

Oh yay. The bell, thank God.

I stand up and grab my black bag, hauling my books along with me as I exit the classroom. Oh…there's Juliet. She's standing by a water fountain, her sleek golden outfit way too dressy for school. Her hair looks like a black whip of silk along her shoulders. I'm nervous and I know this because my stomach is hollowing out. It always does that. It's an annoying sensation. Maybe because I hate being uncertain.

Fuck this. I walk towards her purposefully and our eyes meet. “Hi,” I say in greeting. She nods and touches my arm.

“We should go somewhere. Talk.”

I shrug and we start walking. We end up on the bleachers in the gym. It's empty, which is a miracle. Sitting there, the rubber band and shiny wax smell of the gymnasium starting to get to me, I ask her, “Have you talked to the Council?”

She smiles lazily. “Yes, I have. They're angry.”

“Oh yeah?” I know my tone is belligerent but I don't care. “About what? That you spilled your guts to the Slayer they can't control?”

She points at me. “You see there? You hit the nail right on the head. The Council has always been angry that they can't control you Buffy. They never could. Slayers have always been pretty docile, except while fighting. I guess you were sort of a mistake.”

“Oh.” That takes the wind out of my proverbial sails. It's like being told you weren't supposed to be born. That the condom broke and your parents didn't mean to have you. “Why is it so important to control me anyway? I slay, I do the duty.”

“Because…” she appears to be choosing her next words carefully. “Slayers are not…they need direction, Buffy, or things could happen.”

“What kinds of things?” this is starting to freak me out.

She doesn't seem to hear me and looks up the high ceiling of the gym, her eyes far away. “Do you know that Slayers are almost as old as I am? The first Slayer came into being three thousand five hundred years ago…your ancestors are some of the greatest warriors the world has ever known.” Her gold animal eyes lock onto me. “Did you know that?”

I'm faltering, and my belly is tingling. She's frightening. She's too old. I can't do this. “Well I know that…we're an old type of job…”

“No…” she says, and holds up her hand. “IS that what you think it is? A job?” she laughs quietly. “Oh, the Watchers really tell you nothing. You are the Slayer, Buffy Summers. That's what you are.”

“What I am?” I repeat.

“You're a Slayer. You have something inside you…you're not human, Buffy.”

Oh my God. What is she telling me? WHAT IS SHE SAYING? “What?” I cry and my bones feel like they've been snapped. “WHAT? I am human! What are you talking about? This is just a duty thing…I can cast it away whenever I feel like it! Oh MY GOD….”

She touches my hand and her fingers slide over my skin in a caress as old as time itself. I'm drawn to her in spite of myself. “Don't worry…you are partly human…but like a vampire, like what you have been trained to kill…you have something in you…a different thing…”

“NO. NO,” I'm protesting, but it doesn't sound like my voice. It sounds like a trapped and caged animal. “What are you saying? That I'm not human…that I'm not a girl? WHY THE HELL hasn't anyone told me before?”

“Your Ex-Watcher, Rupert Giles…he doesn't not know. Only the hierarchy in the Council are aware of the full story. It is important to remember that you were born of a human, Buffy. But…you are not entirely human yourself. That is all. I don't think that you understand. It's not a demon that lives within you. It's a warrior. A warrior's strength. A warrior's heart.”

“What's the difference between a warrior and a demon?” I ask bitterly, and my tongue tastes metallic. I realize I've bitten my lip and the blood is seeping between my teeth. I'm not sure I understand what she's telling me. It's all jumbled. How can I not be human? Of course I knew that I had the sacred duty shit, but I thought…well, that maybe it was just a job with some perks. Like dental insurance at most jobs. Except I get super strength.

“A lot,” she informs me and then sweeps her finger along my broken lip. Bringing it to her mouth, she sucks away my blood. I watch her, and my belly tightens. “You were chosen to fight evil. It's an admirable job…the oldest in existence.”

“I never wanted it,” I snap and stand up, my knees shaking. This isn't happening. I don't want to believe it. “I have to go.”

“Of course…you're confused,” she purrs and I hate her. “I'll see you later.”

I can't even answer, my throat is so choked. I have to see him. My skin is hungry for him already. I need him to make sense of this, to hold me and murmur to me. Nothing else will do.

~~~

“Calm down…”

He's too gentle. Oh God…

Angel's taking me into the kitchen, pouring a cup of tea and forcing me to drink it. I almost gag on all the sugar that he's put into the hot liquid, but it makes my head feel clearer. Maybe I was in shock. Rubbing my back for a moment, he then sits me down on the table and stands in front of me, his hands on my face. His fingers are cool and familiar.

He doesn't press me to tell him anything. God, I love him.

~~~

I remember when he left me. When he turned his back. That was the only thought in my head. I love him. I love him. I love him.

Maybe I thought he would hear me. I thought I was screaming it loud enough. But he spun away, and my head felt like it was caving in. My chest was rising and falling but I had ceased breathing. My lips felt chapped and I licked them…wanting to fall down and sob against the pavement. My stomach hurt and I thought I might throw up. Later I did. But not then. The mist started to obscure him, and for one wild moment I thought I forgot what he looked like. I couldn't picture his face in my mind, and I knew it had started. Our break up. Everything was blurry. Nothing was making sense, and the screech of the sirens and the flashing red lights all shot down on me. Bloody stars hung in the sky and I watched his black coat covered back retreat, his body not a part of my world anymore. Maybe that's what hurt the most. That I didn't have the right to run after him, because he didn't belong to me.

~~~

I wonder if he belongs to me now. He's holding the cup to my lips, and the hot tea is swirling down my parched throat. I want to throw myself in his arms and press my face against his cool neck. I want to crush him to me. I need to be enveloped in the only thing I know that is real anymore. But I just sit there, my flesh literally aching with frustration.

“I don't…” I can hear myself starting to talk, and my voice is scratchy. I don't want to even hear this story again. I'm so empty. “I don't know…what to tell you…”

“Shushhh…” he murmurs and his thumbs caress my cheeks. They outline the hollows in them and his eyes lock with mine.

Suddenly I feel my head come up and I'm kissing him. It's a painful kiss, swollen with tears, my lips hurt and feel like they're burning. But he's groaning with combined love, lust, sorrow and he's kissing me back, his hands in my hair.

“Please…” I whisper and he drops his mouth and it's a searing brand on my neck as I unbutton his shirt and I press myself into him, trying to get as close as I can to his bare chest.

I lie back on the table and my hair drips over the edge like blonde flames as he lowers himself desperately over me, removing my shirt and pants and shoes, his hands seeking out my skin like it's the finest silk. We're kissing with barely restrained hunger, and I can feel the tears on my cheeks. Why am I crying? His mouth is a rasp against mine, and he's whispering, “Buffy…Buffy…” over and over again like a lament.

This is Angel and I love him. God, I love him.

I don't care that I may not be human. I feel like a girl in his arms. I feel alive and full of hungry emotions that threaten to eat me alive. Holding him to me as his lips find my breasts, I can feel myself soaring. He opens my legs and everything is rushing. The ceiling looks so far away and all the blood is in my head as it hangs off the edge of the table.

I can't see anything, all I can do is feel as he murmurs that he loves me, and it sounds like it hurts him to say it. All of a sudden he's inside me and I'm splitting in two, everything breaking. The edge is so near…I'm spinning, spinning, spinning, and my eyes close tight. My bones feel about to snap as he moves, and I'm so full. Nothing is empty. Oh God…

His skin is all over me as I open my legs wider and feel the hot flood and myself squeezing around him, and it's so good that I want to weep and I realize I am. He's kissing my neck, shuddering and my head feels like it's going to explode.

How can one thing be so good? How can one person make me feel this way? Like I'm shattering into tiny little pieces and coming together all at once?

He picks me up and I feel light headed as we enter the heady darkness of his bedroom. Laying me out onto the bed, he pulls me into his strong arms and I feel his lips caress my sweaty forehead. He's tender and he can't stop touching me. “Angel…your soul…” I murmur but his mouth continues to soothe me.

“Don't worry…”

And I know he means he didn't achieve true happiness. It wasn't about that. It was about making me feel complete and alive again, and for that I thank him. Curling against him under the soft duvet, his skin is a welcome relief from the hard kitchen table where I achieved momentary forgetfulness but where I know, he did not.

I don't want to sleep, but I'm so drowsy and replete, I can't keep my eyes open. My thighs are welcomingly sore and I shift them, my insides content. I think I feel his kiss on my tear stained cheek. “Sleep, love.”

~~~

I dream of a desert and it scares me. I'm dressed in robes of white that are untouched by the hot sand. Everything is red and dry, but my hair and face are pristine and golden. Demons come at me from all directions, but I silence them with a blow, or a stare. They fear me and bow down.

I'm not human.

~~~

When I awaken, it's night. I know it in my bones. Angel's eyes are open and he's staring down at me. For a second, I wonder…Angelus? And it's terrifying, but then our gazes meet and I know it's my love. No one looks at me like that but Angel.

“Hey,” he whispers and I smile slightly, moving closer into his embrace.

“Hey,” I answer and he drops a kiss on my forehead. “We should talk.”

“I know,” he sighs and then says thoughtfully, “What was the matter earlier? I got the feeling something big was happening.”

“Something way big,” I agree and trace the lines of his chest. “I'm starved. Can we eat? Well…can I eat? Wait…do you even have food in this place?”

He blushes. “I bought food the other day…cause…you know…”

That makes me smile. He bought food for me? Oh God…this is too perfect. Well, on my scale of perfect that is. “Ok…eating time then.”

He makes me spaghetti. He's a good cook and as I munch on the noodles and creamy tomato sauce, I tell him what Juliet told me. The shock has worn away and now a sort of dull realization has sunk in. Afterwards, he holds me close and doesn't say anything.

I wonder if he's afraid of me now. I wonder if he knew along.

And I wonder what's going to happen. There's no going back now. He's been inside me again, and he's buying groceries for me…we belong to each other once more.

I know he's more afraid of that than anything else.

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