Title: Look Who's Perfect Now
Author: Troll Princess
Rating: R ... yeah, R sounds about right ...
Archive: Sure, just give me a heads up.
Summary: In getting rid of a problem, the Scoobies provide a solution to a lonely heart. Featuring a surprise 'ship.
Feedback: Up to and including "The Gift," but particularly "The Wish" and "Intervention."
Disclaimer: Not my show, not my characters, not my idea. Story's mine, but Joss Whedon owns Buffy and the rest. (And I'll bet that thought makes him giggle like a schoolgirl.)
Author's note: I'd like to say before I say anything else that this was not my idea. I swear. My brain's twisted, but not this twisted. This is a response to JodithGrace's "pick names of a hat" 'shippy challenge, which is exactly how it sounds (And I swear, this was the first combo I picked out of the hat). Look what you made me do, Jody. This is all your fault. ;P
Author's note, Part Two: This is assuming a few things. Buffy's back to life, she and Spike have hooked up, and the 'bot's been put back together. Also, in the Wishverse, let's just assume that all the undead characters survived, and all the un-undead characters didn't. Now that you've got all your assumptions in check, away we go ...

It was incredible how many rotten things could happen to you after you died.

Take today, for example. Xander had been in the middle of eating a perfectly decent yoga class when Willow had shown up and ruined all his fun. It had been distracting enough when she'd sauntered into the joint, all black leather and swivelling hips, but then she'd decided to go all Lady Bathory on him. He'd spent the past few hours listening to his growling stomach and wondering what it was going to take to get that ring out of the bathtub.

It might have helped if Willow had felt like following a good, old-fashioned bloodbath -- literally -- with a good, old-fashioned sex fest. But no.

Ever since she'd come back from meeting "the fuzzy Willow," whatever she meant by that, his lover hadn't been doing much lovin' in his direction. She'd spent most of her time yakking to the puppy about wanting to have her human version around to molest for kicks. She'd even been yapping about zapping the girl into their reality, but Xander had vetoed that.

Hell, if he weren't going to reap the benefits of two Willows, what the hell was the point?

Xander slipped into game face as he glanced around the warehouse and glared at his minions. Scanning the few he had hanging around, Xander raised an arm and pointed at a scrawny vamp he vaguely recalled used to be the captain of the chess team before his untimely demise.

"You."

The scrawny vamp almost visibly gulped. "Me, Master?"

Xander couldn't help but feel a little thrill at the "Master" bit as he said, "No, the other you I pointed to. Scream."

At least he does good under pressure, Xander thought with satisfaction as the vamp glanced around quickly before letting loose with a screech that made Xander and a good number of his minions wince.

"Too girly," Xander snapped, then pointed to another minion the approximate size and shape of Mount Rushmore. "How about you?"

If nothing else, the vamp looked happy to be nominated. Without a word, he yodeled ... or something kind of like it.

A tense moment passed before Xander said, "You sound like a hog caller."

The burly vamp grinned and puffed out his chest proudly. "State champion, two years running."

"You're not supposed to brag about that," Xander said with a glare.

The vamp instantly paled, as if it were even possible. "No, sire."

Xander gestured to another minion. "You. Let's hear you scream."

The command was followed with a nice, impressive scream Xander hadn't heard outside of a horror movie -- although, not for a lack of trying on his part.

Xander's lips curled away from his fangs in a feral smile. "Ooo. Bloodcurdling. I like that." Waving to the other two minions, he nodded in the direction of the screaming vamp. "You can chain him up. And you can get me the syringes and the holy water."

The other two vamps hustled off to follow his orders.

The screaming vamp? He started to whimper.

Aw, hell. Xander would be doing the bastard a favor by killing him. You know, after the several hours of pain and dismemberment. But still.

The scrawny vamp hustled up behind Xander, jabbing a syringe into a plastic squirt bottle of holy water. "Should we get the Mistress?" he asked Xander.

Xander very nearly squirmed at that, but forced a wicked smile onto his face and swiped the full syringe from the hands of the wimpy minion. "Nah," he said. "She can make her own fun."

"Can't you just, you know, wiggle your nose or something and make it poof?"

Willow's green eyes narrowed as she glanced up at Buffy and Spike. She'd been trying to finish her art history report in what she'd thought would be the silence of inventory day at the Magic Box. Of course, she hadn't counted on Buffy, Slayer with a Mission.

Her mission? Operation Get-Rid-Of-The-'Bot.

Willow put her pencil aside with a sigh. "Poof."

"Yeah. Go away. Leave town. Skedaddle. Fall into a well and have Lassie say, 'Feh.'"

Confused, Willow said, "Yeah, but she's helpful. She does all your chores, and ... and you could get a job and make her do it and keep all the money."

Buffy couldn't have looked more shocked if Willow had told her her roots were showing. "Stop making me see a good side to keeping her!"

"What's going on?" Anya asked as she walked into the room, carrying in a box and dropping it unceremoniously on the countertop.

"Buffy has issues with the robot," Willow said.

Buffy rolled her eyes and threw her arms up in the air in frustration. "I don't have issues with the robot. I have issues with what the robot says. And the way the robot stares. There's gaping, and muttering, and I swear Warren actually made it so that her eyes really do go green."

Spike flashed Buffy a comforting smile. "Don't worry about it, love. Red'll flush that bit of programming right out of the bint, won't you, pet?"

Buffy's only response was a dirty look in Spike's direction.

"Honestly?" Willow said sheepishly. "I'm not sure I can."

Anya paused as she sorted through the box of spellbooks, and she frowned at Willow. "I'm not sure I understand. You can go up against a hellgod, you can bring Buffy back to life, but you can't stop a robot from wanting to have wild monkey sex with Spike?" Anya shook her head in disappointment. "I don't think I'm as in awe of you as I was ten minutes ago."

Glancing away sheepishly, Willow shut her notebook as she flushed bright red. "It's just ... magick, I can do. No problem. You need a spell, I'll just zap one up. But that's computer programs, and I'm a hacker, I'm just ... well, getting at that particular programming would require more literal hacking than I think you're looking for." She started as a thought occurred to her, then smiled. "You sure you don't want to keep her? You can dress her up, and put little ponytails in her hair, and teach her tricks and stuff ..."

Buffy cocked an eyebrow. "Will, she's a robot, not a Pomeranian."

Reaching out and clasping her arm, Spike turned his girlfriend towards him. "Buffy, love, she does have a point. I mean, spare Buffy's always good, right?" One look at Buffy and Spike managed to look suitably embarassed. "Or not."

"Spike, I'm Buffy. Me. See, look?" Buffy waved a hand in his face, then took the hand resting on her arm and lifted it to her cheek. "Feels like Buffy, right?"

"Oh, yeah," he said, his voice soft.

"See? We don't need two Buffys. We just need the one that didn't start out life as a sex toy." Spike blanched as well as someone who's been dead for a hundred and twenty years could, and both Buffy and Willow giggled. "Hey, look, Will. I made my boyfriend turn colors."

"Okay, fine. I'll just junk it for parts," Willow said. Buffy could almost see the sparkle of future electronics salvaging in Willow's green eyes.

"Oh, no," she said, trying to force as much Slayer resolve into her voice. "I want that thing as far away from me as possible. If there's a monastery in Tibet in an entirely different dimension that has a men-only policy, she's getting a one-way ticket."

"Want to come play with puppy?"

Xander's eyes flashed an iridescent yellow as he glared at Willow. No, he didn't want to play with puppy. By now, he knew all of Angel's screams, moans, whimpers, and cries by heart. It was like having a very large, annoying newborn baby with a bad haircut.

He twirled the knife in his hand, point spinning in the wooden arm of the chair he was currently sprawled over. He eyed Willow as she lazily dangled the business end of a poker in the fire.

"No, thanks," he said, trying to sound bored. "Things to do, people to eat."

Willow shrugged, a strange little smile crossing her lips. "Your loss."

Xander watched her walk out of the room, the red-hot poker dangling from one of her pale hands, his gaze planted firmly on her rear end. "I'll say," he muttered, before nimbly swinging his leg off the arm of the chair and getting to his feet in one graceful, predatory motion. Reaching out, he grabbed a mace from the table next to his seat and gave it a few practiced swings.

"Play with puppy," he muttered. "She knows I don't swing that way. I just swing the one way. I swing that way to an almost embarassing extreme." He paused, and glanced up towards the ceiling. "Speaking of swinging ..."

He gave himself a second to savor the creak of the chains, the waves of fear scent wafting off the cornfed soldier boy his minions had brought him.

Xander adjusted his grip on the mace and slipped into vamp face. "Pinatas are fun."

"But I like her!"

Dawn nearly stumbled into her sister as Buffy whirled around to face her, scrub brush and kitchen cleanser in her hands and a wild look in her eyes. Ever since she'd come back from the dead, Dawn had been positive that the only tie Buffy still had to the grave was her oh-so-zombie-like behavior when it came to cleaning on Social Services day. Come visits from the social worker, there was much obsessive-compulsive cleaning and straightening of pictures that were already straight to begin with.

It was completely and totally psychotic. But it was a hell of a lot of fun to watch.

Facing Buffy's tidiness glare, Dawn glanced nervously at Spike and stammered, "I mean, okay, one Buffy trying to have sex with Spike is enough, but ... but she makes better pancakes than you do!"

"We can buy Eggos," Buffy snapped.

"She's more fun at PTA meetings, too."

Buffy froze, and gave her sister a look that threatened no television or email access for a week. "You've been taking it to PTA meetings? As me?"

Dawn squirmed under Buffy's intense gaze. "No. I tell them she's our cousin."

One look at Buffy, and neither Dawn nor Spike were sure there was a wider her eyes could have gotten. "And they buy that? Don't these people watch Nick at Nite?" It suddenly hit Buffy that she was straying from the subject, and she toughened up once again. "We are not keeping it. It's just --"

"Squicky?"

Buffy frowned at Dawn's teasing expression. "Hey, it's your fault I started using it in sentences."

Dawn started to trail after Buffy, but Spike latched onto her sleeve and tugged her towards him. "Leave be, poppet. She's on a roll."

Giving up, Dawn sidled up next to Spike at the counter as Buffy went back to obsessively scrubbing at the sink. Leaning close to Spike, Dawn whispered, "I like her. She's like Buffy, but she smiles more."

Spike's ice blue eyes sparkled as he looked over at her. "The Cheshire Cat smiled less than the 'bot does, bit."

Both of them started as a snort sounded from the other side of the room. Buffy glanced at both of them, barely hiding the smile teasing at the corner of her lips, as she quickly grabbed paper towels and the Endust and headed for the living room.

Spike puffed up a little at getting a grin out of the Slayer. "See? Big sis smiles."

Rolling her eyes, Dawn said, "Yeah, now."

Dawn and Spike exchanged a sweet, secretive smile at that, Dawn giving Spike a playful shove in the arm before tagging along after Buffy to argue her case some more.

"This is a joke. A bad, unfunny joke."

The girl hanging from the manacles whimpered as a drop of blood trailed into her eyes. Xander might have licked it off, but Willow seemed to have that base covered.

"No," Willow whispered. "This is Tara. She tastes like dead things. I like her."

Xander could scarcely believe what he was seeing. Oh, sure, he knew she'd try anything once. Hell, after that one night, he'd never seen Twinkies and wine bottles in the same way.

But this ... this shadow? "She's white bread," Xander said with a sneer.

White bread was an understatement. The girl even smelled bland. Yeah, sure, the terror scent was tasty. But it was the smelly equivalent of flat soda.

Willow merely flashed her fangs, slid her leather-clad body along the girl's and purred from deep in her chest. "I can fix that."

The pasty thing's bottom lip quivered as she stared at Xander and stammered, "H-help me."

Xander's eyes went cold and hard, more so than usual. "Sorry, paper doll. The only help I can give you is a quicker death." A moment later, he turned to a smirking Willow, any seriousness he had pretty much gone. "We got any more brownies?"

Willow shrugged as she bent forward and nuzzled the shuddering girl's pale neck. "Nope," she said. "Just a couple of Girl Scouts."

"Yeah, they'll work." Xander flashed Tara a chilling, fang-filled grin, leaned forward and licked her cheek, savoring the fear that filled the air. Then, giving Willow a good-luck nuzzle and nibble on the neck, Xander spun around and headed towards the door out of the lair.

Spotted something on a side table. Glanced back at the start of Willow's torture of Tara. Sniffed the air and scented the other vampire's arousal. Figured what the hell and snatched the bottle of JD off the table.

"I need to get amazingly drunk," he muttered as he left.

"She wants to do it here?"

Willow stopped flipping through the spellbook before her and looked over at Giles, who was busy distracting himself from the books he was balancing. "The social worker's coming over later on tonight. Buffy figures big magick rituals in the living room won't endear her to the state."

"No, I suppose not. Does it know?"

Anya rolled her eyes as she sorted through a box of newt's eyes. "That it's getting a one-way ticket to the world without shrimp? Doubt it." She paused, then said, "But maybe she'll get lucky and wherever Willow sends her will have a Spike who's not having sex with Buffy."

Giles glanced hopefully at Willow over the top of his glasses. "Can I go, too?"

Willow's only response was a smile and a playful smack on his arm.

The bell above the door tinkled loudly as Buffy entered, followed by a slightly smoldering blanket-covered Spike and a blatantly fawning 'bot. One look at Buffy's expression, and Willow was fairly sure Spike was buried up to his knees in trouble.

"Now, pet, calm down," he said to Buffy.

"Hey, guys," Anya called out.

Spike didn't even pay attention, still involved in whatever argument he was having with Buffy. Meanwhile, the 'bot hung off his arm like a life-size Barbie doll. "I don't see why you're surprised," he said to a highly pissed-off Buffy.

Buffy glared at him, and at the 'bot, before crossing her arms. "I'm not surprised. I'm just ... squicky."

"What's up?" Tara asked.

The 'bot's brilliant smile lit up as she leaned against Spike and glanced over at Buffy. "People thinks we're twins. Pretty twins. And that Spike's dating the both of us. It's very amusing."

Buffy snorted. "Yeah, for you."

"Jealous, love?"

Eyeing Spike, Buffy asked, "You're loving this, aren't you?"

"You have no idea," Spike said, his voice teasing. Noticing the look in Buffy's eyes, he reached out and cupped her cheek. "Only in a good way, pet. Only lovin' this in a good way."

Spike leaned forward to kiss her, and Buffy kissed him back, oblivious to the hurt expression on the 'bot's face. She wasn't so oblivious a moment later, when she stepped back and the 'bot took the opportunity to sidle up to Spike.

"Now it's my turn to cuddle with Spike," the 'bot said dreamily.

"I'll give you a turn," Buffy grumbled, crossing her arms.

Giles groaned as he turned back to the inventory. Oh, a stress headache. That's what he'd forgotten to have today.

Damn. Just ... damn.

So far, he'd tortured and eaten a biology teacher, a set of identical triplets, a cheerleader, and a couple of priests, but Xander still felt mightily pissed off at Willow's betrayal. Not even evisceration had given him the tingly thrill it usually did.

Tossing aside the empty husk of a state trooper, Xander growled and leaned against the nearest tree. His thoughts drifted briefly to what he could do to alleviate his (now slightly lessened) rage. Let's see ... taking over the world? Nah, too much responsibility. Kill off the human race? Oh, yeah, slaughtering the food supply would go over really well with the rest of the bloodsuckers.

Maybe he could try and raise the Master again. Of course, the last time he and Will had tried that, they'd managed to blow up the high school. Which, hey, was a bonus. But no Master.

No Master. Actually, Xander could un-live without the Master right now. Bastard had always liked Will better anyway. Only so many times a guy could give your girl warm bodies before you realize he's hitting on her.

Sighing, Xander slipped into his human face and stared out into the night. "I need something to disembowel," he muttered before stalking off to do just that.

He got about two blocks away before the angel fell from heaven.

"But I don't understand. Why do I have to hold the candle?"

Willow took a deep breath and tried to summon up her poker face as she shut the door between the training room and the shop. Poker face ... ha. Who was she kidding? At her best, she had 'go fish' face. Or ... ooo, 'spit' face.

Wait. Neither one of those sounded good.

Turning to face the bewildered 'bot, Willow faked a smile and said, "I don't feel like washing the wax off my candle holders, is all."

The 'bot immediately brightened. "Oh. That makes sense. I'm very washable."

Across the room, Willow heard a soft chuckle, followed by an 'Ow!' in a British accent and a "Say it and die" out of Buffy.

Giving the 'bot a grateful smile, Willow ducked over to the other side of the room to finish mixing up the ingredients she'd need to use for this particular spell. Buffy leaned against the table, absently tugging at the collar of her lavender top. It had shrunk a little in the wash, but it was the only top that matched her responsible parent dress pants and mature grown-up shoes. All in all, the entire outfit made her look like ... well, like a librarian. But hey, whatever made Social Services happy.

As Willow bent over the mortar and pestle filled with brown and red powder that Buffy thought looked liked rancid cinnamon, Buffy continued to glare at the 'bot. "Willow, are you sure this will work?"

"Well, it should work. I mean, either she'll go poof in an interdimensional travel way, or she'll go poof in a 'Honey, I made the robot explode' way."

"Either way, I'll be happy." Noticing the look on Willow's face, Buffy squirmed and added, "Okay, I'd rather not have the case of the exploding robot 'cause ... well, she's helpful, and it's not like she means to be all 'Oh, Spike!'"

Willow stopped squishing the powders to gape at her best friend. Buffy? This was the real Buffy, right? They'd barely gotten her to admit a good use for the 'bot in ages. Even Dawn's 'tests you don't want to take' and 'chores that could ruin your manicure' arguments hadn't worked.

"So why don't we keep her?" Willow asked.

Buffy frowned. "Don't press your luck."

Well, it was worth a shot. Willow shrugged and turned towards the candles, the chalk drawing on the floor, and the 'bot standing in the center of it all. "Okay, then. Let's do this."

Oh.

This was bad.

The 'bot blinked and glanced at her surroundings. She was ... where was she? She didn't seem to have the jpeg for this particular place in her visual memory.

Okay, so what was her last memory? Spike was being very snarky and sexy. And Willow did a spell.

Oh! Willow must have done the spell on her. That was very wrong. The 'bot never would have expected Willow to do that. She was her best friend. And she was gay.

The 'bot looked around again. She had no idea where she was. Or who the rather handsome man in front of her was.

A command line popped up in her line of sight.

> System Overload. Rebooting System.

She shook her head distractedly, waiting for her main menu to reload.

There were three pieces of information that Willow hadn't known when she'd spelled the robot. The first was that such a spell would have the same effect as an electromagnetic charge.

The second was that in the event that such a charge would occur, Warren had programmed the 'bot to attach itself to the first male to address it, thereby insuring (as long as it stayed in the bedroom like it was supposed to) that in an emergency, it would still see its boyfriend as ... well, its boyfriend. Of course, Warren never counted on the near-certainty of interdimensional travel on the Hellmouth.

And the third ... the third was that time and space, in certain spells, can end up going hand in hand. Which explained why the 'bot got dropped off right in front of a pissed-off Xander, three years earlier than it was in the dimension she'd just left.

The 'bot flinched as Xander recognized her and yanked her to her feet, but didn't move until her 'boyfriend' program loaded. She smiled dreamily as her hazel eyes focused on the face before her.

> Name: Xander Harris
> Status: Vampire
> Error: Does Not Compute

The 'bot blinked. "You're Xander. And a vampire. That's very new."

> Updating Boyfriend Files.

> Updating Xander Harris Files.

Scowling, Xander latched tightly onto her jacket and pulled her close. "I remember you. You're Buffy. Didn't I kill you a lot?"

Aww. The 'bot's grin widened as she said, "I don't think so. I'm very much alive. See, look?"

It didn't matter that he was all vamped out. The 'bot thought his fangs were very sexy. Which was most of the reason why she pushed forward and kissed him.

Normally, Xander would have taken the opportunity to rip out her tongue and take a drink, but something kept him from it. It only took him a full seven seconds to toss her aside and swipe at his mouth. Yeah, like that'd get the cooties off.

The Slayer was alive. And she'd kissed him. And ... argh ... he'd liked it.

His eyes flashed golden yellow as he crept towards her, full of menace. "I think I'm going to make you bleed out of places you didn't even know you had."

The 'bot only blinked. "But I know all of my places. Willow catalogued them all when she was putting me back together. Vampires tore me to pieces." She smiled at that, as if vampires ripping you apart was a warm and fuzzy memory everyone should have.

It took Xander a few seconds of some very impressive menacing before he froze.

"Willow ... put you back together ... what?"

She didn't even bat an eyelash. She simply walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "You're very handsome. Can we have sex now?"

Sex?!

Xander, totally in vamp face, looked down onto the hazel eyes, the snub nose, the pink lips, and thought about how he hadn't gotten laid in weeks.

"Oh, what the hell?" he muttered, right before he kissed her.

He was back.

Her cocky, arrogant, bloodthirsty Xander was back. She could see it in his swagger, in the yellow glint in his eyes and the smirk veiling his fangs. Willow loved to see him like this.

Not that she was giving up on her new toy just yet. Tara did things with barbeque forks Willow hadn't even known were possible.

Willow stopped fondling Tara long enough to take in the dark-haired vampire's smooth, catlike saunter. "Hey, baby. You don't look so bored any more."

"I found a hobby," he said with a shrug. "Remember Buffy?"

Buffy. Oh, yeah, that blond Slayer. She'd had a nice, full-bodied scream. Willow's lips curled back from her fangs. "Vaguely. Didn't we eat her?"

Xander just grinned.

And that's when Willow noticed the blond standing in the shadows behind Xander.

Funny, it didn't smell human. Not even when Xander pulled it out of the shadows and the thing started nuzzling at him like a kitten. "This one you don't get to eat," Xander said, nuzzling back.

Willow shoved Tara away and growled at the thing in front of Xander

Xander wasn't even bothered. "Don't get snippy with me. You've got your toy, I've got mine."

Whatever the hell this thing was, its bright, childlike smile was pissing Willow off to no end, and the vampire growled as it wrapped its arms around Xander's neck and leaned into him.

Her growl grew louder as he leaned into her as well.

The 'bot stroked Xander's chest as she said, "He's very forceful, isn't he? I really shouldn't want to have sex with him." She giggled when he slipped into vamp face, then practically purred as he nibbled at her neck.

"Darn his sinister attraction."

Author's note: Yeah, it's lame. But that's kinda the point, so I must have succeeded. Yay, me. *g*