By Eve Eschner Hogan, MA

How much time do you spend thinking about relationships? Wishing you were in one, wishing you were out of one, wanting to improve one? Ultimately, relationships consume a huge amount of our time and energy. They are critical to our livelihood, our success, our happiness and our sense of joy. Relationships permeate every aspect of our lives—work, home, family, and love. The catch is that they didn’t teach us in school what we truly needed to know about how to create joyful and lasting love in our lives. Don’t be too hard on your teachers though; they couldn’t teach you what they didn’t know. Here are some of the overlooked Lessons for Love that, once fully mastered, will transform all of your relationships. Your homework, should you accept it, is to spread the skills, with compassion, to others who missed them in school as well.

What you didn’t learn in English:
Elation is the root word of rELATIONships. "Elation" simply means "joy." Relationships are meant to evoke, share and celebrate deep and extraordinary joy. At home, families are meant to enjoy each other’s growth and companionship. At work, our relationships are meant to support and rejoice in our success—individually and collectively. In the schools, our relationships are meant to support and enjoy our ability to learn. In romance, our relationships are meant to celebrate mutual, unconditional love. If your relationships are not joyful, you are missing the point and it is time to do something different.

What you didn’t learn in Math:
You are the common denominator in all your relationships. If something isn’t working, look within to make adjustments. You are the only part of the EROS (love) equation you have any control over. Decide what solution you want to bring about and align all your words, thoughts and actions with the desired outcome. In relationships, the EROS equation (E+R=OS) looks like this: Event (what the other person says or does) + Response (What you say, think or do) = Outcomes and Solutions (your experience in the relationship, your love, your joy—or your lack thereof). What most of us do in relationships is point outside of ourselves—at our partners, friends, children, co-workers, at the Events—to assign blame for our experience and to expect change. This is misspent energy. As soon as we take response-ability for the quality of our relationships, we will be empowered to transform them. Our power in the EROS equation is in changing our responses, not the events. By doing so, we will be enabled to create loving, lasting, joyful outcomes.

What you didn’t learn in History:
Learn from the past; don’t hold on to it. Looking to the past is a great learning tool for showing you which of your behaviors worked and which didn’t. However, you must leave resentment, frustration, anger, hurt and blame behind you or your arms will be too full with such a heavy load that you will not be able to embrace love when it comes your way. Every single moment is a new opportunity for a fresh start.

What you didn’t learn in Science:
Chemistry in a relationship is a very important quality, however it isn’t enough to create lasting love. While you can introduce two entities together that are attracted to each other, the result that you are looking for may not come about unless other elements are also in alignment. Look beyond the initial chemical reaction to see if environment, values, beliefs, goals, interests and responsibilities are also compatible.

What you didn’t learn in Art:
Your creativity and imagination are your primary tools for finding solutions to your problems, not rigidity and always staying between the lines. "Cleaning up your mess" is a basic requirement for getting along with others at home, in the workplace and in your own heart.

What you didn’t learn in PE:
Competition is not the primary reason to exercise and participate in sports: The quality of your relationship with yourself and everyone you encounter, is the primary reason! Our bodies are the tools through which we connect with other human beings, either through communication or touch, and play with our environment. Our self-esteem, confidence, stress levels and mental balance—in general our ability to get along with others—are all impacted by our fitness and body image. When we don’t feel good physically, we tend to make others feel bad emotionally. Exercise also causes us to breathe more deeply, letting go of the old, making way for the new. Recreation has the capacity to re-create relationships.

What you didn’t learn in Kindergarten:
"Quiet time" is essential for hearing the voice of wisdom within and must be provided for in relationships. God’s whisper is heard when we stop the constant noise. Honor the need for silence—both yours and other’s—as a means to reconnect, rejuvenate and access your inner resources of intuition, wisdom, strength and calm.

What you didn’t learn in Homeroom:
Show and Tell is a skill for life. Lifelong learning and the sharing of your discoveries will help you to be a vital partner in any relationship. When you stop learning, you stop being interesting. Your ability to learn is the force that will allow you to adjust when you make mistakes, contribute to conversations with confidence, and to acquire the skills that they didn’t teach you in school for love, joy and success.

LOVE-TIPS