Who Wears The Pants

••A married couple retired to their hotel room on their wedding night. The man, who is much larger than the petite woman, takes off his pants and throws them over to his wife, stating "Here, put these on." The woman replies," But they are too big for me." "Put them on anyway." She puts them on and they fall down. She says,"I cannot fit into these."He replies,"That's right, Now just remember who wears the pants in this family."The woman then takes off her panties and throws them over to her husband saying " Here, put these on."He looks at them and says, I can't get into these... "She replies, Yes, that's right. And you won't be able to in the future unless you change your attitude."

Bus Assault

••A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. "She had him Arrested!" When the case came to before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. He replied,"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant." She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins," then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling." I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick." Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." He won the case!

Justice

••Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you !" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voiced boomed again. The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler, Jesus."

Designated Driver

••A police officer was assigned to stake out the parking lot of a rowdy bar and watch for possible violations of drunk-driving laws. Watching from his car, the cop saw a person stumble out the bar, trip over the curb, then try to open the door of a dozen cars before finding his own car and collapsing in the front seat, where he remained immobile. He continued to remain immobile as the evening progressed and others left the bar, started up their cars, and drove away. Finally, with the parking lot all but empty, the patron pulled himself to an upright position, started the car, and attempted to pull out of the lot. Immediately the cop pounced, pulled the motorist from the car, and administered an on-the-spot Breathalyzer test. The result: 0.0% blood alcohol content. How could that be, the cop asked the motorist. "Simple," the driver said. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

How Did They Do That

1) pick a number from 1-9

2) subtract 5

3) multiply by 3

4) square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root)

5) add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64= 6+4= 10= 1+0=1 )

6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.

7) multiply by 2

8) subtract 6

9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, ect....

10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter

11) take the second letter in the country name and think of an animal that begins with that letter

12) think of the color of that animal