A
A 440 - The highway that runs around Nashville
Accidentals - Wrong Notes
Ad Libitum - a Premiere
Aeolian Mode - How you like Mama's cherry pie
Agnus Dei - a famous female church composer
Allegro - Leg fertilizer
Altos - Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"
Arpeggio - Popular Childrens story (i.e. "Ain't that the storybook kid with the big nose that grows!?")
Audition - the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind
Augmented Fifth - 32 Oz.
B
Bach Chorale - The place behind the barn where one keeps the horse
Bar Line - a gethering of people, usually among which may be found a musician
Bass - The things you run around in baseball
Bass Clef - Where you wind up if you happen to fall off (see also "clef")
Bassoon - Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
Beat - What music students do to eachother with their insturments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
Big Band - When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Bossa Nova - The car that your foreman drives
Breve - The Way a Sustained note sounds when you run out of Air
C
Cadence - When everyone hopes you're going to stop, but you don't
Cadenza - That ugly thing you clean all the dog's hair off of when company comes over
Cantus Firmus - medical term for "butt"
Cello - The proper way to answer the phone
Chromatics - According to the Theory of Evolution, one of the "missing links" between men and primates
Chromatic Scale - an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds
Clarinet - what you name your second daughter if you've already used Betty-Jo
Clef - Try not to fall off of one
Coloratura Soprano - a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it
Conductor - 1. The Man who punches your Train Ticket OR 2. a Musician who is adept at following many other musicians at one time
Crescendo - a reminder that you have been playing too loud
Cut Time - what the Parole board gives you for good behavior
Cymbal - What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
D
Deceptive Cadence - When Everyone thinks you're going to stop but you don't
Detachi - An indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed
Diatonic - Low-calorie Schweppes
Diction - That part of a singers performance that may be complemented when the rest of the recital sucked
Dischord - the opposite of Datchord
Diminished Fifth - An empty bottle of Jack Daniels (see also Perfect Fifth)
E
English Horn - A woodwind instrument so named because it is neither english nor a horn. Not to be confused with the French Horn, which is German.
Ensemble - 1. Any group of individual performers who are supposed to function as a group. 2. The feeling such groups generally lack
Enunciation - what is usually meant by the usage of Diction.
Expressivo - When a Singer closes his/her eyes and sings with a WIDE Vibrato
F
First Inversion - the Battle group your grandfather was in
French Horn - what your S.O. says you smell like when you come in at 4:00 AM
G
Glissando - A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs
H
Half Step - the pace used by a cellist when carrying their instrument
Hemiola - a rare blood disease caused by chromatics
Homophonic - Musicians who are afraid of gay men
I
Interval - the distance, real or imagined between two notes. (hey it doesnt' say anywhere they All have to be funny.
Isorhythmic Motet - when some members of the consort get a different Xerox than the others
J
there just ARE no J musical words...
K
Key - this word defies musical definition.
Kettledrums - drums that are not particularly useful as anything other than making noise (they make REALLY BAD expensive kettles)
L
Lamentoso - With Handkerchiefs
M
Major Scale - What you say after chasing something up a mountain (i.e. "That was a Major scale)
Melodic Minor - Loretta Lynn's singing dad
Metronome - a citty-dwelling dwarf
Middle C - The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
Minor Third - The approximate age and grade of a Music Major at the completion of formal schooling
Modes - the arrangement of notes before the invention of the Major and Minor scales...which caused the Modes to become OutModed
Modulation - the way you get from one key to another; unfortunately often a modulation is unsuccessful and ends up being atonal--a twelve car pile up as it were
Music - A complex organization of sound that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the resulf of which is ignored by the audience
Music Stand - a complicated device for holding up music that rarely does its job. It always falls over at inopportune times; it comes in two sizes: too high, and too low.
Musica Ficta - When you lose your place in the music and start making up your part
N
Noise - a more accurate term for sound.
Nut - 1. a part of a violin. 2. uhh huh huh huh huh mmmm huh uhh huh
O
Oboe - An ill wind that nobody blows good
Order of Sharps - What a weenie orders at the bar
Ostinato - the capital of Texas
P
Passing Tone - Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
Perfect Fifth - A FULL bottle of Jack Daniels (see also Diminished Fifth)
Perfect Picth - The smooth coating onf a freshly paved road
Pianissimo - "refill this beer bottle"
Plague - A collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors"
Portamento - a Foreign Country you've always wanted to visit
Portato - a staple food in Ireland and Russia. Often served Baked or Mashed
Prepatory beat - A threat made to singers (i.e. sing, OR ELSE...)
Prima Donna - Soprano who generally dies in the last act of an opera of consumption, or -- more frequently -- of overconsumption.
Q
Quarter Tone - What Most standard pickup trucks can haul
R
Recitative - a Diesease that Monteverdi had
Relative Major - An uncle in the Marines
Relative Minor - Your Ex-Girlfriend
Repeat - what you do until they expel you
Risoluto - indicates to the orchestra that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo, no matter what the conductor tries to do
Ritard - every family has one; also Molto Ritard, a Big one of these
Rubato - German Measles
S
Sensa Sordino - a turm used to remind a Trumpet Player that he forgot to put his mute in a few measures back
Sforzando - Italian for sneeze
Sonata - What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Staccato - How you did all the ceilings in your Mobile Home
String Quartet - a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers
Subito Piano - indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a featured soloist
T
Tempo - Good choice for a used car
Tenor - two hours before Nooner
Time Signature - What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
Transpositions - Men who wear dresses
Treble - Women ain't nuthin' but
Tuba - Compound word (i.e. "hey Woman? didn't we have another tuba Toothpaste!?")
Tutti - character from the popular Television series "the Facts of Life"
U
U isn't a musical letter.
V
Vibrato - 1. What a singer uses to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch 2. The villain in Handel's opera "Arpeggio at Tessitura."
Virtuoso - a Musician with very high morals
W
Whole Note - What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
Wrong Notes - this is a relative term. Wrong notes are wrong only if someone else says they're wrong. when a musician performs wrong notes he/she refers to them as "ornaments".
X,Y,Z
Xylophone - percussion instrument very useful in the X section of Music Dictionaries.
Z - what the audience collectively snores during an incredibly boring performance of even more incredibly obscure music.