"How The Ghosts Stole Christmas"

Alright, who forgot to buy the mistletoe?

How The Ghosts... begins with Scully driving all the way out to a haunted house at Mulder's request to meet him.  He tells her a story about two star-cross'd lovers who killed themselves in a pact to never spend a second apart who have, in the Christmas Eves thereafter, killed couples like themselves.  Scully obviously enjoys his storytelling, smiling throughout and laughing when he finishes, telling him that it's a good story, but that she really has to get back to her family.  I've noticed that he is the only person lately who can make her laugh (and we haven't seen a smile like that out of her in a long time).  

Mulder finally relents (after much arguing), saying that she should go back to her family as he goes into the haunted house.  She wants to go after him, but grits her teeth, telling herself, "I'm not gonna do it.  It's my New Year's Resolution."  Unfortunately she is no longer in possession of her keys and is forced to go after Mulder.  They are locked inside the haunted mansion, not quite alone, on Christmas Eve.

Scully tags along behind an intensely curious Mulder, desperately trying to explain the psychi behind our fascination with apparitions.  Mulder either listens silently or ignores her as they climb a winding staircase, ending up on a landing in which all the doors are locked.  As they watch, one of the doors Mulder tried creaks open.  He turns to Scully and asks in disbelief, "You're not scared?"

Scully: Alright I'm scared.  But it's an irrational fear.

She creeps, gun drawn, towards the door and Mulder calls out (from his standpoint a safe distance away), "I got your back."  Opening the door, Scully notes the lights are on when they weren't before and surmises that maybe there might be an occupant in the house.  They enter a library area and there appears to be a rattling below the floorboards.  Mulder pries up the boards in order to free the "trapped" people beneath.  They discover the corpses of a man and a woman.  Suddenly, Scully notes something:

Scully: Mulder, you know what's weird?  She's wearing my outfit.

Mulder: How embarrassing.

And then comes the revelation, "It's us."  This is odd coming from Scully (it's usually her who's busy battering down Mulder's conclusions).  Hearing the footsteps again, they creep around the room, guns drawn, finally scaring each other (so funny!).  "It wasn't funny, Mulder!" Scully insists at her loss of composure.  They try to exit the room, but discover that they keep entering the same room.  When Mulder tries to exit one door and enter where they just came in they are separated and the doors slam shut, locking them apart.

Mulder comes across Ed Asner (or vice versa) who Mulder thinks is a ghost and is using cute little puns with Mulder ("Can I show you the door?" when there's a brick wall there, etc).  There is no opening in the floorboards anymore and Mulder soon discovers that Ed is some sort of paranormal psychiatrist.  "Are you overcome by the urge to make everyone believe you?" he asks.  "Most people would rather stick their finger in a light socket then spend a day with you." Ed manages, to Mulder's indignance, to characterize him right down to the fact that he was so desperate for Scully to come with him that he stole her car keys <G>.  "You've probably even convinced yourself you've seen aliens."  He has pegged him exactly and Mulder is none too happy about it.

Meanwhile, Scully encounters (AAAAAAUUGH!!!) Lily Thomlin (my god, that was hilarious) and, in her state of shock, takes about ten minutes fumbling around under her jacket to get her gun out.  She unsteadily points her gun at Lily who calmly acts as if she were human, too.  Her floorboards are also replaced, and Lily now counsels Scully on her reasons for coming, "Your only joy in life is proving him wrong."  

Ed comes in and Scully demands to know where her partner is.  She then orders them to put their hands on their heads and discovers the gaping holes in their bodies (great effect through Ed's head!!)  Scully faints, a first for her, not counting the movie, as Ed and Lily calmly discuss their toursim problems.

Mulder has been trying all this time to climb with his flashlight in his mouth up to the top of the library.  It is there that he encounters Lily for the first time who tells him that he is going to shoot Scully by the end of the night.  He tells her no, that he would never do that.  Lily says that she might shoot herself and Mulder says forcefully, "I wouldn't let her."  Lily has assumed that Mulder and Scully are lovers which Mulder quietly corrects her.

Lily: Maybe you should have discussed your true feeling before you came here.

Lily speaks of Mulder's unconscious yearning (jeez, we could've told him that for far less mental expense) and we return to the next room where Scully wakes up to find Ed in the same room.  Mulder enters as he calls her name and starts firing <Shae instantly becomes traumatized for life>.

Scully doesn't want to shoot him, and by the look in his eyes he's gone crazy.  At first it looks as if he's firing to get rid of all his ammunition so that he won't shoot her but as she tries to talk him out of what he's doing he fires a bullet into her stomach.  "Merry Christmas, Scully."  He then tries to shoot himself (Obviously!  He just shot his one-and-only under the influence of god-knows-what) but is dragged off first by the ghosts.  

Mulder then re-enters the room, as himself, absolutely horrified.  "I didn't believe you'd do it."  Scully, struggling for breath and obviously feeling a tad pissed at his (questionable) betrayal gives him a bullet in the chest, with a strained, "Merry Christmas, Mulder."  They drag themselves, bloodied, down the stairs and toward the door.  Mulder calls her name but she ignores him.

Mulder: Scully!

Scully: (groans, turns over and aims her gun at him)  Ah, I'm not going to make it.

Mulder: No, you're not.  Not without me you're not.

Scully: Are you afraid, Mulder?  ...I am.

Mulder: I am, too.  You should've thought of this.

Scully: You should've.

Mulder: You shot me!

Scully: I didn't shoot you!  You shot me.

Mulder suddenly realizes that their wounds are all in their heads.  He tells Scully to get up, as he bounces to his feet.  She gets up as well and he checks her stomach (aww), finding no bullet hole.  They exit the haunted house, their hair back in place, their clothes back to their normal, un-bloodied state (thank god, I kept thinking of the drycleaning bills).

The final scenes of A Christmas Carol play on the television as Mulder watches gloomily, alone in his apartment.  There is a knock at the door and opens it to suspiciously (still thinking he's hearing ghosts) to find Scully.  She has come to see him even when she had obligations to be with her family (who wouldn't want to escape Bill Jr.?)

Scully: I, uh...I couldn't sleep.  I was, um...(sighs).  Can I come in?

Mulder: Yeah!  Aren't you supposed to be opening Christmas gifts with your family?

Scully tells Mulder that none of that really could've happened, that it was all in their heads.  Mulder agrees, in the spirit of the season maybe, or just the fact that he was so glad she was there.  Scully tries to recconcile one of the things Lily told her about herself:

Quote of the Week:

Scully: Not that my only joy in life is proving you wrong. Mulder: When...have you proven me wrong? Scully: Well, why else would you want me out there with you? Mulder: You didn't want to be out there?  (Pauses as Scully looks hurt)  Oh, that's, um...self-righteous and narcissistic of me to say, isn't it? Scully: No, I mean...maybe I did want to be out there with you.

Mulder looks into her face and sees that she is being sincere, and then remembers something. Walking by her, he says:

Mulder: Well, I know we said that we weren't going to exchange gifts but, uh, I got ya...a little something.

Scully: (grins) Mulder!

Mulder: Merry Christmas, Scully.

Scully: Well I got you a little something, too.

Mulder shakes his present and they exchange wide smiles, settling on Mulder's couch to open their gifts and celebrate the holiday spirit together for the first time.  Here's hoping next year Mulder will remember to put up that mistletoe.

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