[20:10] Okay let me post the guidelines and a simple little scenario so we can open it up
[20:10] * sub1 sits quietly near sub2^
[20:10] -The Moderators/Facilitators will start out with a general background or storey,
[20:10] Consider it a “This could happen to you kind of thing. “
[20:11] -At the end of this discussion /storey the moderators will ask a few general questions
[20:11] and open things up for discussion.
[20:11] - To facilitate equal share the moderators will ask that you signify that you have
[20:11] some input by simply doing a “!” in channel. The moderators will call you in
[20:11] turn. Please do “End!” or some other way to signify you have finished your thought.
[20:11] -To keep things on track expect that you may get summarized and discussion
[20:11] moved on to a different topic area. Please do not feel you are not important or
[20:11] your input is not important. It is just for the sake of time, since we are somewhat
[20:11] limited in time and must keep the discussion going. If this topic has enough
[20:11] interest it can be covered again later.
[20:11] -At the end of the summary there will be some links that are useful and
[20:11] Informative as well.
[20:11] - Copies of this discussion will be made available with out the names of all
[20:11] parties for the sake of safety and security.
[20:11] * MODERATORr2 sets mode: -v MODERATOR1
[20:12] okay I will wait so that everyone can read that
[20:12] * cheeky`moaning nods having finished
[20:12] okay ready for the backgound
[20:12] * Dom1^of^ nods too.
[20:12] < Dom2> me too
[20:12] aye
[20:13] * sub7 nods
[20:13] * Dom5 nods
[20:13] Okay then here is the intro to the discussion
[20:13] -Many new and old to this form of adult activity will sometimes stumble
[20:13] into situations where they feel that they have went into areas not intended,
[20:13] if intentional or unintentional is the question. I will use the broad term
[20:13] “Abuse” but ask that you keep in mind that sometimes edge play by
[20:13] consenting adults who are well aware of the risks and dangers and experienced
[20:13] in said play may not be in fact abuse.
[20:14] okay now to set the background for you
[20:14] Details the person who I will call Jill (the submissive and will use the female
[20:14] Gender but either could apply) engaged in play with Jack (The Dominant – I use
[20:14] the male gender her but again either could apply).
[20:14] and the senerio
[20:14] Details of this adventure:
[20:14] Jack and Jill engaged in some new play that Jill found in a storey somewhere.
[20:14] She briefly described it to Jack and hinted at wanting to do some of that type
[20:14] of play next time they had a chance to play. Now after the play had finished Jill
[20:14] was sporting some bruises and emotional backlash from the play.
[20:15] let me know when you are with me
[20:15] < Dom2> i am
[20:15] * sub2^ nods
[20:15] * sub3 nods
[20:15] <{pleasure}MODERATOR1> ~
[20:15] * Dom6 nods
[20:15] * cheeky`moaning nods
[20:15] nod
[20:15] okay here is my question for you all:
[20:15] Okay was the activity that Jack and Jill just finished engaging in Abuse?
[20:15] And why do you think it is or is not?
[20:15] !
[20:16] MODERATORr2 please
[20:16] !
[20:16] !
[20:16] Not enoguth information to come to a conclusion
[20:16] done
[20:16] Hello dentist, we are having a discussion on BDSM vs. Abuse,
please type ! if you would like to comment or have questions.
[20:16] * sub3 nods in agreement to MODERATORr2
[20:16] < Dom2> !
[20:16] * Dom6 nods as well
[20:16] Yes I left it somewhat ambigious didn't I
[20:16] Dom6 Please
[20:17] I withdraw the ! because MODERATORr2 said the same thing I was about to.
[20:17] hi
[20:17] LOL
[20:17] done
[20:17] sub1 please
[20:17] * Dom1is smoking, will read when I get back. *Smiles*
[20:17] !
[20:18] okay Dom2 please then
[20:18] While i concur with the statement that not enough information was given to
come to a true conclusion, i did get the hint that Jill did hint that this play was something
she wanted to take part in
[20:18] er...
[20:18] done, i think.
[20:18] yes vailid point sub1
[20:18] nods
[20:18] it was somewhat consenting or semi-conesnting activity
[20:18] < Dom2> This is not abuse< the sub asked to try a new form of play and the Dom agreed.
The scene did not turn out as good as hoped. What is needed is debriefing and communication.
Her asking was consent to the new play in my opinion.
[20:19] Yes very valid point Dom2
[20:19] ! counterpoint
[20:19] Please MODERATORr2
[20:20] consent is implyed by her asking but as with any situation it can be revolked
abd if it was revolved as in the use of a safe word and it continued then it becomes abuse
[20:20] done
[20:20] < Dom2> !
[20:21] Okay lets let sub2^ speak and then you Dom2
[20:21] sub2^ please
[20:21] with lack of more information, it could be implyed there was consent, but also how
much knowledge did They have to be doing the scene? what kind of care did Jack really know to give
after the play
[20:21] * sub3 nods to
[20:22] !
[20:22] Very excent point sub2^ it appears on the surface alot of things may or may not
have happened
[20:22] sometimes that is the key points what did they do to prepare for new play and
what care and communication afterwards like Dom2 said
[20:22] Dom2 please
[20:23] < Dom2> My only experience is in real life so I may not be taking this as broadly as others,
I assume had a safeword been invoked there would be NO question about whether it was abusive......it
is always abuse to ignore a safeword period
[20:23] Yes that in my not so humble opinoin is always abuse if safe words are ignored
[20:24] sub4^ please
[20:24] you can give you consent to something not knowing what was intened, informed consent
is very vital... if you are not informed can you truely give your consent.
[20:24] * Dom1^of^ nods in agreeance.
[20:24] end
[20:24] < Dom2> !
[20:24] * sub3 nods enthusiastically to sub4^
[20:24] nods in agreement
[20:24] !
[20:24] yes why especially with new and never done activities that communication
word is essential
[20:25] Dom2 please
[20:25] hi sub5
[20:25] hello
[20:25] Welcome sub5,
[22:21] there is a way for you to erase the other profile
[20:25] [22:21] if you change into that nick and go through the steps one by one,
just leaving them blank it will erase them
[20:25] [22:21] oh, okay, thank You
[20:25] [22:21] i will do that later
[20:25] eeip I'm so sorry everyone
[20:25] ER
[20:25] >.>
[20:26] * sub1 turns bright red
[20:26] * Dom1 snuggles His beautiful pet, listening silently to Moderator and the Oothers.
[20:26] * MODERATOR1 smiles it happens
[20:26] * Dom5 is redder LOL
[20:26] < Dom2> I don't do anything without informed consent...... and when it's something new,
it's my responsibility to check with the sub as the scene progresses to assure myself he is okay
and still consenting
[20:26] !
[20:27] Excellent Dom2...the Dom/me responsibilites do not end at before and after
but also during
[20:27] sub3 please
[20:27] I have found that not alls ubbies understand all forms of play, as well as their
own tolerances for certian plays, especially if the play is new... it is incumbent on the Dominant
to set limits based on judgment of his/her skills and their knowledge of the subbie in question...
this is important even when a safeword is in place, imho
[20:28] VERY GOOD sub3
[20:28] < Dom2> absolutely
[20:28] Thank you, Sir
[20:28] end
[20:28] informed does not mean that the subbie knows what is happening especially
if they are zooming into deep subspace
[20:28] Exactly, Sir
[20:28] !
[20:28] I have stopped when a subbie is in deep subspace to err on the safe side as well.
[20:29] {sub}MODERATOR1 please
[20:29] * sub3 nods in agreement
[20:29] well... what i was thinking is kinda along the same lines as sub3... i was
thinking that if jill brought this information to Jack... how knowledgeable was He in this and
perhaps *abuse* if it could be called that was purely unintentional due to Jack's ignorance of the issue
[20:29] so it could be just a case of poor play planning period and not intentional abuse then
[20:29] just more of the "not knowing all of the information"...
[20:29] end
[20:30] Dom6 please
[20:31] !
[20:31] Okay there are judgement calls occurring on both sides. The sub has to judge if they're
up for the sort of play, the Dom has to judge if it's a good idea etc.. Judgement calls can always be
in error. I think Dom2 brought up the term "debreifing"..
[20:31] yes the post play is important and extremely so with new forms of play
[20:31] Which should have occurred *periodically* during the play, and we have not been told if
it did or not.
[20:32] done
[20:32] Okay you busted me on that I left out details intentionally to make you think
[20:32] * MODERATOR1 smiles
[20:32] sub1 please
[20:33] i've done alot of reading, because i am so new to the scene, and part of it says that
all scenes should involve not only a safeword but a full discussion both before and after the scene,
and (we dont know for sure) we could guess that this may not have happened.
[20:33] it sounded like Jill mentioned the play in sort of passing
[20:34] and also that Jack agreed without asking too many details
[20:34] < Dom2> !
[20:34] done
[20:34] Good and very valid point and yes I did not slant it that way but implied it was just
as you put it in passing
[20:34] Dom1^of^ please
[20:34] Okay, first of all, I'd like to say that in scrolling/reading, all the ideas were
very good. :)
[20:35] My personal take on this is, if I bring something to My slut that I wish to try, I expect
her to question Me and make sure I have all the information, just as I'd question her, if I wasn't too
sure.
[20:35] Research, people, it's all about the research.
[20:35] End.
[20:35] * sub1 makes a note that his brain is somewhat dead and so he departs for a few moments to find
stimulants of the caffinated kind
[20:35] Excellent
[20:35] yes if it is new to either or both alot of research before hand is a MUST
[20:36] Dom2 please
[20:36] !
[20:37] < Dom2> pass me please phonecall
[20:37] < Dom2> I apologize
[20:37] its ok Dom2
[20:37] okay Dom2
[20:37] sub3 please
[20:38] Oh, sorry... I withdraw that! please
[20:38] * sub3 blushes lightly
[20:38] LOL okay
[20:38] okay we are already her but here is my next question for you all
[20:38] Okay it was not Abuse so what could be done to improve their play?
[20:38] * sub3 laughs at that quit
[20:38] !
[20:39] sub3 please
[20:39] Talk talk talk, Sir... before, possibly during... definitely after, Sir
[20:39] Done
[20:39] yes a vaild point
[20:39] !
[20:39] !
[20:39] and mentioned before and can not be mentioned enough
[20:39] !
[20:40] sub2^ please
[20:40] !
[20:40] 1
[20:40] know Yyour partner, what makes them tick, their quirks, know how to READ their body
language and READ it completely
[20:40] !*
[20:40] yes true sub2^ and that has to be done over time and as you learn each other and
you have to do that with care and slowly
[20:41] sub3 please
[20:41] There is always a lot of talk about subspace and the altered consciousness of that...
but let us not forget the power and intoxication of Top space... it too can affect judgment, and risk
the safety of any play that is new and unfamiliar
[20:41] done
[20:42] LOL I have to say guitly as charged to that one sub3...yes I did find that
intoxicating
[20:42] and Had to learn to curb and control that myself
[20:42] * sub3 nods
[20:42] !
[20:42] Dom5 please
[20:42] Rent a film that portrays the new play idea and watch it together, then as
everyone's said... talking about it always helps, for example "yes I'd like that, or no I don't
feel comfortable with that" and be as open and honest as possible. If films aren't available,
there are websites and stories all over the net.
[20:43] End.
[20:43] Excellent
[20:43] Well said, Ms Domme1, Ma'am
[20:43] ty
[20:43] Most exceelent...a caution on that however is sometimes that is staged so
be warey of it
[20:43] * sub3 nods
[20:43] Dom1 please
[20:44] Oh.. I retract.. The subbies already pretty much stated what I was going to say.
[20:44] okay MODERATORr2 please
[20:44] * ChanServ sets mode: +h sub7
[20:44] Make sure no alcohol or drugs are in either system before / during play
including prescrion that can alter your persecption done
[20:44] wb sub7
[20:45] Welcome sub7, pet
[20:45] thankYou
[20:45] * sub8 smiles, thanks my Lady.
[20:45] MOST Excellent point
[20:45] ..?
[20:45] Enjoy the discussion in progress
[20:45] Hello certainly sub1
[20:45] waves to everyone and quickly sits down at the Domina's feet.
[20:45] * sub3 withdrew her earlier ! because she was fielding a phone call from her job...
apparently there is too much staffing scheduled and so her overtime shift tonight has been
cancelled... sub3 is off tonight!!!!!
[20:46] !!!! YAY!
[20:46] sorry
[20:46] * MODERATOR1 smiles
[20:46] grins
[20:46] thank you MODERATOR1
[20:46] Wonderful:D
[20:46] you had a question sub1
[20:46] * sub3 wants to do a happy dance, but listens politely instead
[20:46] oh its nothing ;)
[20:47] if you are sure
[20:47] !
[20:47] i had put in a ! but i decided i didnt need to say anything
[20:47] okay
[20:47] Dom6
[20:47] please
[20:47] I would like to also add that while the safeword is a common convention it can
also have it's problems if the sub won't use it when they should or if the Dom ignores "plain
english" because they're insisting on the safeword being used and may mistake the lack of its
use as meaning the sub is just exploring the headspace. Not all people use them either. Personally
I don't use them except for in edgeplay where the sub is intentionall
[20:47] Ok, I'll bet that cut off.
[20:47] yeah at sub is intentionall
[20:47] Personally I don't use them except for in edgeplay where the sub is intentionally
exploring being able to be "helpless to resist", etc. They are a convention, but not perfect and
not universal. Having one does not in and of itself make the play "safe" and it can be unwise to
count on them more than on common sense.
[20:48] Done
[20:48] !
[20:48] Excellent, Dom6, Sir
[20:48] yes when all else fails common sense applies...and except for some forms of play
"Stop it hurts in the right tone of voice " is a secondary safe word for me
[20:49] sub2^ please
[20:49] a couple of friends of mine did demos during munches... and they used alert words...
easy words.. green was always the go word, yellow meaning it was getting a bit more than the sub was
ready for.. and red.. meant that the safeword would or could be used shortly there after
[20:50] normal words like that let the Dom know where their sub is.. though when falling into
subspace i did not see the aid of these words.. a sub might forget the simplest of things... but it
still seemed to me to help with a scene when it got extreme
[20:51] just my thoughts
[20:51] i like that concept, alot, sub2^. i hadn't thought about it.
[20:51] yes the easy the better and keeping in mind the SA (situational awareness)
has to still be there or as Dom6 put it if the subbie in a pained voice says stop ,,,,,then stop.
[20:52] !
[20:52] sub2
[20:52] please
[20:53] something i found with safewords.. is that some Doms (no offence to this) have their
own words they want to use.. but each sub is different and a word they are aware of more often than
not helps.. not trying to remember something that Master said to use...
[20:53] Welcome Dom9
[20:53] yes it should be something that is easy for both to recall
[20:53] * Dom9 stumbles in
[20:53] * sub3 waves to Dom9 as she listens to the discussion
[20:53] Greetings.
[20:53] Welcome, our Topic: BDSM vs. Abuse .... a discussion to help you see the difference
between BDSM and Abuse
[20:54] okay where can one go besides movies or the internet to plan new play?
[20:54] !
[20:54] !
[20:54] !
[20:54] sub3 please
[20:55] One should seek out others with experience... mentors of sorts, whether online,
or better still, real life if there are any available... there is no substitute for experience, imho
[20:55] good one sub3
[20:55] sub2^ please
[20:55] done
[20:56] books, and other people in the lifestyle that You trust...
[20:56] * sub1 withdraws his !
[20:56] good ones as well sub2^
[20:56] !
[20:56] munchies were mentioned before as were demonstrations
[20:56] sub3 please
[20:57] I am a nurse, and there are many many of us healthcare workers in the lifestyle...
seeking us out can avail ourselves with an abundance of information about anatomy and physiology
when it comes to new plays
[20:58] * sub2^ nods with sub3
[20:58] now there is one that I did not even think of
[20:58] Excellent
[20:58] * sub3 waves to southern^
[20:58] I Learned something new
[20:58] !
[20:58] damn would not have thought of that
[20:58] May I add to that?
[20:58] sub3
[20:58] yes
[20:59] I know people who have gone to their physicians with questions too... and after
the brow raising and blushing, they have been given valuable information, even if the professional
is not lifestyle savvy
[20:59] done now
[21:00] another one I would not have thought of especially when someone has a diabetic
condition etc
[21:00] Exactly, Sir
[21:00] okay lets slide this a slightly different direction
[21:00] What should you do if you do have problems and are abused?
[21:00] Or one who is prone to seizures, which have special considerations, Sir
[21:00] Done now... really
[21:00] lets say it was a bypass of safeword
[21:00] LOL
[21:00] still valid sub3
[21:00] * sub3 blushes
[21:01] let say the senerio was different and Jack ignored the safe word or did not get
consent in any manner and jill was abused what should she do
[21:01]