Ah, commercialism... The never-ending search for a profit, the endless stream of over-hyped bad movies...

Swift Demon Productions Presents

With Total Disregard to Their Members Well-Being...

BOOK OF SHADOWS: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

Act One: "And Lucy Lu Shakes Out Her Hair"

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Disclaimer: "The Book of Shadows" is a legitimate movie and this is an illegitimate parody of it... sorta.  This story is neither endorsed nor known of by "The Book of Shadows" creators.  This story is not to be used to get money or we will all be sued.  FF & CC characters are copyright of Squaresoft.  If you do not know what FF and CC stand for, then you probably won't get most of the story's jokes anyway. Therefore, you should stop reading and spend the rest of your time on the Book of Shadows' webpage, as you probably mistakenly thought this story had something to do with it.

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When we last left our darling Sephiroth Clones, Squall, Mooma#5, um, and a plethora of other characters, they had been captured and were facing certain doom in the Northern Crater by the Ice Witch Edea! Or maybe they weren't... but for the sake of blotched continuity and a mistake on the author's part in allowing someone else to write the story for her... that's just say they were. So anyway, everyone blacked out because of some unusual phenomenon that usually surrounds the Supernatural, including that your compass is pretty much screwed, so just follow the damn stream out of the woods!

[Squall, #118, #662, and Moomba#5 regain consciousness on the 'floor' of the Northern Crater. Those who have played FF7:TDC will recognize it as the spot where Cloud hosted his onetime Apocalyptic Meteor Shower--er, Party.]

#118: What happened? The last thing I recall, I was tied to a table or something.

#662: [screams like a little girl] HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!! (pronounce 'HEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!' for those of you unfamiliar with Japanese manga soundeffects)

#118: DON'T do that! Can't you just say what's wrong like anyone else?

#662: [sobbing] Someone's fully dressed me without my permission! I feel so VIOLATED!

Squall: You're the only remaining clones of me? You pathetic losers are the ones who keep saving the world?

#662: ...#118, I believe that this strangely well defined man might be our great Master Sephiroth.

#118: Yes, I do agree that he is handsomely better rendered than you, but why do you think that he is our Great Master? #445 constantly insists that _he_ is.

#662: Yes, BUT, #445 is not nearly as well defined as this fellow. Wouldn't our great GOD of a Master be superior in every aspect, including the quality of his FMV appearance?

#118: You're right. He _must_ be the Great Master!

Squall: ...Whatever. Now, that we have established this, I ordered you two stupid fools to take me to Moomba#5. [#662 and #118 look over at Moomba#5, then back at Squall. Silently, they point to Moomba.] Ah, very good. You have pleased me.

Moomba#5: [Standing Dramatically, and pointing at Squall with his claw] Wait, hoes! He ain't my fine pimpin' associate, Sephiroth. Lookit how he talks his talk, yo. [#662 and #118 back away, gasping]

#662: You're right!

#118: How could we have been fooled? He doesn't even have a trench coat!

Moomba#5: Take that, bitch! Yo!

Squall: [chuckling] Oh, Moomba, you've really done it now. [He pulls off his Squall Mask to reveal...]

Moomba#5: Laguna Lorie! SHIT! [a bad seventies disco bass beat begins to echo across the Northern Crater]

Laguna: Who's the furry pimp who gets all the chicks?

#118: Moomba#5?

Laguna: [nods] Who's constantly annoying us with his fake gansta accent?

#662: Moomba#5?

Laguna: [nods] That Moomba is one bad Galbadian pimpin' mutha--

#118 & #662: Shut your mouth!

Laguna: Hey, I'm just talkin' bout Moomba.

Moomba: Damn straight.

#118 & #662: We can dig it. [Everyone blinks, looking around suspiciously.]

#662: What the hell was that all about?

Laguna: I have no idea. I just felt compelled to say it. [He shakes his head and turns back to Moomba] Oh, you'll be going to jail for a long time for corrupting the youth of our world. [a SWAT team appears from nowhere and slaps the cuffs on Moomba, leading him away.]

Moomba#5: Laguna, how can you do this? We go way back, yo! All the way to that Esther encounter those many years ago.

Laguna: Yes, I know, Moomba. But it's for your own good. You need to be reformed, so you can become an honorable member of society.

Moomba#5: [as he's being hauled away] #118! My Magical hoe! You have to save me, yo! Save me!

#118: [smiles and waves] Don't worry, Moomba#5, we WILL save you.

Moomba#5: Yo, sweet!

#118: But first we have to go on a grand quest to find #445, so we can fight many random battles and therefore earn the Gil needed to post bail and pay the lawyer's fees.

Moomba#5: Shit, yo! Just hurry! A fine piece of furry ass like myself won't last long in jail. Shit, yo, Feds, get yo' hands off my fine and expensive suit. [Moomba is hauled away.]

#662: [staring at Laguna with a puzzled expression] Er, Mr. Well Rendered Not Squall?

Laguna: Laguna Loire, Journalist for Timber Maniacs.

#662: Why do you look so much like that strange man who sleeps in our basement?

#118: Which strange man?

#662: That fellow who looks a lot like this guy. Wears a lot of red and black... has that metal claw for an arm?

#118: OH! That man who sleeps in our basement. [she pauses] Do you think we should call and offer him another month rent-free if he continues to watch the Manor for us while we go on this quest to find #445 and earn money to liberate Moomba#5?

#662: [nods] That's a good idea. Ask him how my man-eating mutated goldfish are doing when you call.

Laguna: [sweatdrops] Er... did you have a question for me? Or did I suddenly become invisible? I really do have to go and make my deadline for the 'Captured Pimp' story.

#662: Oh, yes. I wanted to know why you looked so much like... damn it, #118, I can't remember the basement-sleeper's name.

#118: Was it 'Josh'? 'Mike'? Maybe 'Heather'?

#662: No, those are those dumbass kids who got eaten by Hojo's escaped mutations in the Maryland Woods.

Laguna: Perhaps, 'Vincent'?

#662: Yes, that's it! [nods] Why do you look so much like our basement-sleeper Vincent?

Laguna: Vincent and I are long lost twin brothers.

#118: [confused] If you're long lost twin brothers, then how do you know?

Laguna: Um... Journalist's Intuition!

#662: I think journalists are full of BS.

#118: [blinks and looks at Laguna] Hey, if you're not that well rendered Hottie Squall, then where is he?

Laguna: Squall was never here. That was just my cover while I investigated Moomba.

#662: So you just pretended to be our Great Master? [he picks up a rock] No one pretends to be the Great Master and lives!

#118: Except for #445, who we tolerate because he's endearing in a quirky sort of way.

#662: And because he can cook.

#118: Yes, he makes excellent pancakes and mako syrup on Sunday mornings. We all sit around the table, even Vincent joins us sometimes, and it's like we're all a happy dysfunctional family.

Laguna: [eyes tearing] I, too, was once part of a happy dysfunctional family. [he sighs] Ah, Raine and Elenore. How I miss them. [he sniffles] And I missed seeing my firstborn grow up to be the dysfunctional young man he is today.

#118: Well... shoot, I can't bring myself to kill him, #662.

#662: Me, either, #118. Besides, #445 would probably yell something now about him being our long lost uncle Laguna. You know how he likes to exposit about secret, previously unrevealed family relations when he's pretending to be the Great Master.

Laguna: [pulls out a card] Look, kids, this is my phone number. When you find your crazy friend, you give me a call and we'll all get together for a family reunion. [He hands it to #118]

#662: REUNION! What a wonderful idea! I'll bet Cloud and Rufus would probably love to come.

#118: Especially since we all were too late and missed the first one. [she brightens] We can invite everyone from the Meteor Party, and find out what they've been up to since we went our separate ways.

#662: I'm sure someone has an extra Revive materia they can use to bring Tifa back.

#118: [frowns] I don't think that's necessary. The party will go on without Tifa. [glares] Won't it?

#662: [cowers] You're right.

Laguna: Well, this is great. You kids let me know when it's going to be. [he leaves]

#118: [waving] We will!

#662: [waving] Bye long lost 'uncle'!

#118: [looks back at #662] Wouldn't it be a lovely surprise for #445 to have a Welcome Back From Wherever It Is You Disappeared To party?

#662: Oh yes. [The two smile... blink-blinking simultaneously for a while. Then the reader remembers to hit the 'X' button and the dialogue box scrolls down some more.] But, first we have to _find_ #445. It's not like him to wander off alone.

#118: Yes, it is.

#662: Well, okay... but usually during those moments we've been separated or forgotten about, and eventually we all end up in the same place, no matter how illogical our being there is.

#118: I have an idea. We just need to find a PHS. Then we can call anyone we know to come and help us look for #445.

#662: What if they're halfway across the world?

#118: It doesn't matter. They will instantly appear beside us.

#662: Even if they're in the shower when we call?

#118: Yes. Such is the power of the PHS.

#662: [in awe] This much be a creation of the Great Master, for only his GODLY intelligence could have crafted it.

#118: Yes. [she frowns] I forgot something.

#662: What is it?

#118: Only the Main Protagonist/current party leader gets to have the PHS.

#662: Are we not the current party leaders/Main Protagonists now?

#118: No, #445 is still the Main Protagonist/current party leader. Wherever he is, he has our PHS.

#662: Well... what if we found another Main Protagonist to help us?

#118: Good idea. Let's go.

[They exit, screen left, to begin their search for a Main Protagonist!]

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> Start FMV

Lucy Lu appears on screen for no apparent reason. She pulls out the small sticks in her tight Frenchroll hairstyle. The camera zooms in on her black hair spilling down her shoulders. Slightly slow motion cuts in as she shakes her head, and her hair bounces, shining in the sunlight.

This continues for about five minutes.

> End FMV

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[The camera opens up on a laboratory, various critters bounce around in their primitive iron-bar cages. A woman with purple hair and a really bad German accent, wearing a white lab coat walks up to the middle cage. The figure in the cage appears to be a seventeen year old male, of ordinary build. He's dressed in a t-shirt and blue shorts, boots, gloves. And he's wearing a red bandanna on his head. Oh, hell, look... he looks exactly like Serge from Chrono Cross. The woman looks exactly like Luccia. The lab looks exactly like Luccia's lab in Another World's Viper Manor.]

Woman: Ah, you are vaking up dere.

Boy: [groans, rubbing his head] Mr. Marriott?

Woman: [frowns] You vare not supposed to be doing dat dere talking.

Boy: [looking up at her] You're not Mr. Travelodge.

Woman: My experiment is da failure!

Boy: Who are you? And what's wrong with your voice?

Woman: I am Luccia. I am dere Scientist of der ethnic origins.

Boy: Your accent is really fake. I don't think you're ethnic at all.

Luccia: [drops accent] Fine, I like admit. I'm totally, like, from the Valley. I just was, like, pretending to be German to be respected... and some junk.

Boy: VALLEY GIRL! EVIL! EVIL!

Luccia: You're _sooooooo_ not supposed to be able to talk! Serge doesn't, like, say a thing.

Boy: [blinks] I'm not this Surge. I am Sephiroth Clone #445, a proud member of the Sephiroth Klone Krew. My reason for existence is to provide an avatar for my Great Master, when he decides the moment is most inconvenient to possess me.

Luccia: OH HO HO HO!

#445: NAGA LAUGH! EVIL! EVIL!

Luccia: You are not dat Sephiroth, anymore. OH HO HO HO HO HO!!! Thanks to my, like, experiments, you are now... Serge.

#445: No, I'm not. I'm Sephiroth. I'm quite sure. I have the lovely bishonen silver hair, albeit a little too short... and the lovely bishonen blue/green eyes, albeit a little too green, and sometimes... they let me have a cardboard masamune to practice with.

Luccia: [holds up a mirror in front of him] Not anymore.

#445: AHHHHHHH!! What have you done to me? You evil, evil, Naga-laughing Valley Girl?

Luccia: Now, you are Serge.

#445: [rolls up his sleeve] AH HA! See, I'm _still_ #445. I have my tattooed number to prove it.

Luccia: Well, actually, you're like... Serge #445. There were a few accidents...

#445: [blinks] Who the hell is this Serge?

Luccia: [gets a big shiny needle] We now do dat dere final step in dat dere cloning project...

#445: How come you keep slipping in and out of different accents? [he looks around] And who are you talking to? Why do you whackos in white coats always talk to yourselves and-- OWIE!! -- stick big needles in me?

Luccia: It's, like, all part of being a mad scientist. [she rolls his sleeve back down] There, now we'll just cover that little mark... and Mr. Lynx will have no reason to suspect anything.

#445: (Link? Crap. I'm in a freakin' Nintendo game. Of all the crappy games out there... oh well, at least it isn't Sega.)

Luccia: OH HO HO HO HO!! It vorked!

#445: (What did? Hey, did your accent just get better?)

Luccia: Now to release de subject back into de vild.

#445: (Nope, still the same crappy accent-- What are you doing with that Mallet?)

*CONK*

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> Start FMV

Lucy Lu appears on screen for no apparent reason. She pulls out the small sticks in her tight Frenchroll hairstyle. The camera zooms in on her black hair spilling down her shoulders. Slightly slow motion cuts in as she shakes her head, and her hair bounces, shining in the sunlight.

This continues for about five minutes.

> End FMV

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