Continuing without having ever laid eyes on the subject of this current parody...

BOOK OF SHADOWS: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

Act Two: "Seek out a plot... and a main protagonist!"

Disclaimer: "The Book of Shadows" is a legitimate movie, which had as much to do with the Blair Witch as this parody has to do with it... This story is neither endorsed nor known of by "The Book of Shadows" creators.  This story is not to be used to get money or we will all be sued. Thus far the Squaresoft legal team has yet to slap me... with a lawsuit or otherwise. ^_^; Let's hope it remains that way...

Sephy Clones #118 and #445 are copyright of me.  #662 was created by Jonthan "WB" Gray. If you choose to read this before reading any other director cuts... _including_ BOS: Act One... I think you're making an unwise decision, but hey, it is your life...

The {CURLY BRACKETS OF MALIFESCENCE} and their evil powers were discovered and developed to weapons of mass destruction by The Black Wyvern of Amorica!

No one actually reads my carefully put together disclaimers do they? Wah! I work so hard on them... usually.

- - -

[A nice little protagonistic room. The sun is shining against the blinds. In the comfy, well rendered bed, the sleeping form stirs.]

Voice: Serge!

#445: [rolls over, falls out of bed] (OWIE!)

Voice: Serge!

#445: [gets up, dusts himself off.] (Why the hell am I still dressed like this?) [he walks over and opens the blinds] (AHHH! Sunlight! It burns! It burns! It... doesn't burn... nevermind.)

Voice: [sounding annoyed] SERGE!

[#445 goes out of the door, and into the rest of the house]

Marle: Well, good morning, Serge.

#445: (Who the hell are you? Where am I?)

Marle: Leena came by earlier, but you were still off in dreamland.

#445: (Lina Inverse?) [His eyes widen] (Oh... HELL. I'm in a bad Slayers parody, aren't I?)

Marle: She seemed upset. You should go and talk to her. [Marle turns back to appearing to look domestic]

#445: [taps her on the shoulder] (Excuse me, but why does that funny frame with your picture in it appear when you talk? How come _I_ don't get a frame?)

Marle: You don't want Leena to dump you, do you?

#445: [whines] (Great, everyone but me gets a Masamune. Everyone but me gets a nice talking frame. My life sucks.)

Marle: Well, then get going and tell her how you feel!

#445: (You don't even care that I don't get a picture frame, do you?)

Marle: [goes back to acting domestic]

#445: [taps her on the shoulder]

Marle: [turns around] Well, then get going and tell her how you feel!

#445: [sweatdrops, and backs away from her] (Why are you smiling like you've had too much mako?) [Marle picks up a knife and proceeds to chop things that aren't there] (I'm going to leave now... please don't kill me...) [He turns and runs out of the house, and falls to the ground since the house is above ground. He rolls to a stop next to a guy standing in front of a HUGE swordfish.]

Guy: Oh, Hi, Serge. What you do think of this swordfish we caught?

#445: (Who the hell is this Surge guy?)

Guy: Yeah. I dream of catching the biggest fish and being famous. Do you think my dream will ever come true?

[a box appears in front of #445:

~Yes, dreams come true!

~What are you some kind of idealistic freak?]

#445: (Cool! I get a box, too.) [Smiles]

Guy: ... Hey, look, Serge, did you forget the routine? I say this same thing to you every morning. You pick something to say back.

#445: (#662 has some man-eating mutated goldfish living in the basement of our Manor.)

Guy: Uh... [scratches his head] Look, maybe you ought to skip the intro-orienting yourself scene and just go to the dock to find Leena.

#445: (The one time this thief broke into our Manor, and the goldfish ATE him. It was pretty gross, because I had to clean up the mess they left behind.)

Guy: Serge, you're starting to scare me. Please go away.

#445: (It wasn't that scary. I've seen worse... Heck, I've been subjected to worse. So which way to these dock things?)

Guy: [pulls out a cell phone] Hi, Squaresoft? We've got a problem here in Home World Arni. The Serge clone isn't co-operating. Yeah, he keeps talking about mutated goldfish or something. [he pauses] Okay, okay, I'll ask him. [He turns to #445] Were you not briefed by Luccia?

#445: (I wouldn't let anyone named 'Luccia' near my underwear.)

Guy: [goes back to the phone] No, I'm thinking this one's not going to work out either.

#445: [goes very still]

Guy: Hang on, I think he heard me say that...

Sephiroth: (What happened to my dialogue box?)

Guy: No, it's not okay. [clutches the phone] He just got this really scary look in his eyes! It's the eyes of a killer!

Sephiroth: [snaps his fingers and pulls forth his... swallow?] (What the HELL is this?) [waving the swallow around] (This is NOT my Masamune!)

Guy: Shit! Send someone to help us! He's brought out the Swallow!

Sephiroth: [looks at the guy] (YOU. You will tell me where my Masamune is, right NOW!)

Guy: Mommy! [runs away]

Sephiroth: [picks up the cell phone] (Hello?)

Voice: What's going on there, Bobo? Cheap college student actors! Sure you can keep them happy while filming 29 hour days with a single box of Kraft Dinner, but the first sign of trouble and they're gone. Listen, Serge Clone, is that you?

Sephiroth: (No, it is _I_, the Great Sephiroth.)

Voice: Hello? Look, Serge Clone, be a good little clone and play along, and we'll see about getting you a merchandising deal with a respectable fast food restaurant.

Sephiroth: (Foolish mortal, they are _no_ respectable fast food restaurants!) [He drops the cell phone to the ground and crushes it with his mighty heel.]

Townperson: That's a good boy, Serge, those things give you cancer.

Sephiroth: (So does JENOVA.)

[A redhaired girl walks over brandishing a mean-looking wooden ladle.]

Girl: Serge... you're later than usual.

Sephiroth: [peers at her] (Aeris?)

Girl: [puts her hands on her hips] You're supposed to go to [Lizard Rock] to get me some Kodomo dragon scales to make a pretty necklace.

Sephiroth: [sighing in relief] (Not Aeris, but someone just as easily-distracted by shiny objects.)

Girl: So hop to it! Three scales should be enough. I'll meet you at [Opassa Beach] when you're done.

Sephiroth: [annoyed] (Get your own scales, {lazy bitch}.)

Girl: No, silly, "[Opassa Beach]"... [she giggles] Tee hee hee!

Sephiroth: .... [cuts her in two with the swallow]

Townperson: My Good God!

Sephiroth: [smiles] (FINALLY, someone realizes who I am.)

Townperson: Get Radius! Get the Security Crew! The Serge Clone has gone CRAZY! He'll probably massacre us ALL, set out town a blaze and walk through the flames unharmed with a cruel, sadistic smirk on his perfect lips!

Sephiroth: (But Cloud isn't here...) [scratches his head] (It wouldn't be the same without him. He had such a good time at Nibelhiem, and I just don't have the methodical patience needed to massacre the entire town by hand...)

[Some men in blue suits saying "Billy-Bob's Security" appear from a door in the swordfish. The carry flashlights... but they brandish them in a menacing way.]

Security Guard One: [holds up his flashlight] Okay, um, what, um, seems to be the, um, problem here, um?

Sephiroth: [Turns to them] (I don't have the methodical patience needed to massacre the entire town by hand... and it wouldn't be the same without Cloud here to show me what to do.)

Security Guard Two: [bends down to inspect the swallow] Geezus Mahree and JOHSEPH! The kid's got red paint all over his swallow! Lord ALMIGHTY, son, don't you know how much that looks like blood? [Waggles the finger of Parental Shame at Sephiroth] You go clean that up right away, young man, before you give some poor college student whose working 29 hour days for a box of Kraft Dinner a fright!

Sephiroth: [Scratches his head] (Er... could someone tell me what's going on?)

Security Guard One: Reality tv, my sixth toe! I think this set up is just going too far. Poor kid's gonna lose touch with what really is _real_.

Sephiroth: (Bored now.) [Walks past the two security guards, dragging his swallow through them... leaving messy piles of rent-a-cops and two bloodied flashlights.] (Maybe I can find someone who can tell me what the hell #445's gotta us into...)

- - -

> Start FMV

Heero Yui pulls a gun on the camera. "I will destroy you," he intones, holding the gun on the camera, expression stoic and unchanging.

This continues for about five minutes.

> End FMV

- - -

[A jail cell. Moomba#5 sits on the cot, singing Robbie Williams' "Rock DJ".]

Moomba#5: o/` Pimpin' ain't easy o/`

[A really short, SD character with a monkey tail walks up to the bars.]

Boy with Tail: Are you Mr. Moomba?

Moomba#5: Screw off, kid.

Boy with Tail: I'm Zidane, Mr. Moomba, your state appointed lawyer. [He holds a plush doll up to the bars] This is assistant defense, Vivi Plushie.

Vivi Plushie: ...

Moomba#5: Yo, you ain't got no face!

Vivi Plushie: ...

Zidane: Please, Mr. Moomba, you'll upset Vivi. He's very sensitive. Now, let's talk about your case.

Vivi Plushie: ...!

Zidane: Vivi! That's a very pessimistic thing to say!

Vivi Plushie: ...!!!

Zidane: But, it's good to help people.

Moomba#5: Hey, you're not related to that whacked Sephiroth #445, are you?

Zidane: Did you hear that Vivi Plushie? Mr. Moomba knows one of our clone brethren!

Moomba#5: Shit, you're kiddin' me. Is _everyone_ a Sephiroth clone?

Zidane: You'd be surprised, Mr. Moomba. [He rolls up his sleeve to show Moomba#5 his tattoo.] I'm Sephiroth clone #921, one of the newer models. They had such a great success with #898 when they crossed him with some Lion genes... but they didn't have any more of that stuff, so they had to give me just whatever they could find.

Moomba#5: Uh huh... yes, that's really sad. Look, are you gonna bust me outta here or not?

Zidane: I wasn't finished my story! [He grabs the bars] Don't you see, Mr. Moomba? You're my Daddy!

Moomba#5: SAY WHAT?!

- - -

> Start FMV

Heero Yui pulls a gun on the camera. "I will destroy you," he intones, holding the gun on the camera, expression stoic and unchanging.

This continues for about five minutes.

> End FMV

- - -

[#118 and #662 are sitting in folding chairs behind a card table. A homemade banner hung across the front of the table reads 'Hero Tryouts'. #118 shuffles a stack of papers and looks at the figure standing before the table.]

#118: All right. It says here that you're a protagonist on a great quest, and that your name is David. Is that right?

David: [nods]

#118: Okay. Can you tell us the nature of your quest?

David: I'm looking for Blue Fairy.

[#662 and #118 look at each other.]

#662: The Blue Fairy? Like in Pinocchio?

David: Yes. Blue Fairy will make me a real live boy and then my mommy will love me and let me come home.

#118: What noble and heartwarming quest!

#662: Excuse us one moment, little nonblinking child. [He pulls #118 aside] Um, I don't think this kid is the right sort of protagonist.

#118: Why not? He's just like #445-- cute, yet somehow disturbing and clearly delusional.

#662: I think he's a robot.

#118: Don't be silly. He's not a robot. Look at him. He's obviously a clone of that kid from the Sixth Sense.

#662: [sighs] Well, ask him if he's got a PHS. There's no point in jumping to hire the little killer mecha if he hasn't got a PHS.

#118: Right. [turns back to David] So, little boy, do you have a PHS?

David: Is it a game?

#118: No. It's this magical thing that allows you to bring people from anywhere in the world to right beside you.

David: I have Teddy. He can walk and talk. [lifts his teddy bear onto the table]

#662: That's... great.

David: My Mommy gave me Teddy. He used to be Martin's, but Martin said I could have him.

#118: Who's 'Martin'?

David: Martin is Mommy's real son.

#118: Does he have a PHS?

David: No.

#662: Okay, well, we'll let you know. Good luck finding that Blue Fairy.

David: Do you know where Blue Fairy lives?

#662: Well, Cloud wears a lot of blue and he's sort of a fairy--

#118: I don't think that's who the kid means.

#662: Then no. We don't.

David: Oh. [walks away. His Teddy hops off the table and follows.]

#118: Well, send in the next one. [A young man with dark brown hair, dressed in black comes in.] Ooh! This one looks promising.

#662: State your name and your quest.

Young Man: My name is Riddly, and my quest is to find the Red Dragon Sceptar.

#662: Okay, next question--

#118: Why are you dressed like Squall Leonhart? Are you a Squall Clone?

#662: He's not a Squall clone. He looks more like Jimmy.

#118: Jimmy?

#662: Yeah, Superman's friend.

#118: Good idea. Do you think Superman would have a PHS?

#662: I doubt it. He never had an RPG-- thank Jenova.

Riddly: Hey, are you guys going to interview for this job or not?

#118: Is he upset with us?

#662: I can't tell-- his expression is so hard to decipher. I think he might have stubbed his toe.

#118: Yes, he does almost look like he's in pain of some sort.

#662: Perhaps he should take off his leather clothing.

#118: Oh, #662, that's your answer for everything. [she turns back to 'Riddly'] Squall, do you have a PHS?

Riddly: My name is 'Riddly', and what's a PHS?

#118: [looks at #662] I'd take it that means 'no', right?

#662: Well, thanks for coming Jimmy. But we're afraid you're not right for the job.

Riddly: My name is Riddly.

#118: [pushes a button on a remote box hooked to a wicked looking cable] Sure it is. [Riddly falls through a hole in the floor that opens up beneath him.]

#662: Wow, I didn't know we had one of those.

#118: I found it earlier when we were setting up in here. Square Studios has all sorts of marvelous things laying about.

#662: Yes, it was quite considerate of them to allow us to hold the interviews in this empty soundstage.

#118: You asked, right?

#662: I thought you did.

#118: [shrugs] What they don't know can't hurt them, I guess.

#662: Right. Bring in the next one!

[The door to the soundstage is thrown open with a crash and in walks someone looking mighty perturbed, with a distinct resemblance to Serge of Crono Cross-- Well, of course it's not Serge. It's Sephiroth. Pay attention, this part is actually make some sense!]

#118: [squeals with delight] Oh, look, #662! Look who's come to try out for our protagonist role!

#662: [squints] Isn't that Serge from that Crono Cross Reality TV show? [#118 nods, making various fangirl noises of joy] He must have wandered off the set of his show by mistake. [#662 pauses, scratching his head] Or maybe he's trying to escape certain doom and destruction. Those guys seem to realistically kill or dismember a Serge a show-- yet every week he's back safe and ready to be dismembered again.

#118: He's so kawaii!!!! [bouncing in her seat] I want one! But every time I try to grow one of my own in the lab downstairs, something goes horribly wrong. [she pauses] It's like the DNA just doesn't mix well with mako. Eventually it always turns into just another Sephiroth clone.

#662: Shhhh, you'll scare it away. [leans in close and whispers] Serge has a PHS system called the 'teleporter'. I've seen them use it.

#118: [shocked] You actually saw an episode where Serge lived long enough to get a teleporter?

#662: Sure, remember the one where he got killed at the very beginning of the show by that (insert name of random wandering monster)?

#118: Yeah, that was a great one. It skipped all the boring parts and went right for blood!

#662: Well, the episode before that Serge went the entire show without dying-- and got the teleporter.

#118: You mean you actually watched that? I got bored halfway through and turned it to the news.

#662: Why would you want to watch the news?

#118: It's the second best reality TV show. [Sephiroth spots #662 and begins running towards the table-- then he notices #118 and freezes in his tracks. Seeming to be caught in a moment of indecision, he looks from one Sephiroth Clone to the other.] Don't be shy! [#118 beckons him closer.] We're not going to dismember you!

Sephiroth: (Unholy Black Materia-- it's you, two. Why are you still alive? Has no one freed me of the plague of your existence yet?)

#662: [reaches into a bag on the table and pulls out a cookie] C'mere, little fella, I'll give you a mako chip cookie.

Sephiroth: (I'm not eating that. Who knows where _your_ hands have been!)

#118: [gushes] Isn't he just the cutest?

#662: [waves the cookie at Sephiroth] C'mon, boy! [Sephiroth takes a step forward, a cruel smirk appearing on his lips.] That's a good little mute. Come and get the cookie-wookie.

Sephiroth: (I see I still must do everything myself.) [Jumps at #662, brandishing the Swallow]

#118: [Presses another button on the bulky remote] Naughty! ['Protect' is cast over the table. Sephiroth bounces off, harmlessly.] But he's got that killer's spirit. I like it.

#662: You weren't the one he jumped at.

#118: [sniffles] I know. [sighs, tearfully looking back at Sephiroth.] If only my luck level was as high as yours, #662.

#662: It's my new fig leaf. I upgraded once we got inside the Square Studios' gates.

#118: I should have thought of that. Usually it's #445-- well, while he's pretending to the Great Master who reminds us of such practical things.

Sephiroth: [continually bashing the Swallow against the 'Protect' barrier] (The spell has to wear off sometime...) [Checks the Swallow] (Where are all my materia? Don't tell my #445 sold them for comics or action figures or --ugh-- Aeris date money.)

#662: [nods sadly] Yes, it will be nice to get #445 back. I have a craving for pancakes.

Sephiroth: (That's it, I'm leaving #445 to suffer these acts of cruelty.) [He goes very still and #445 resumes control.]

#118: [points] Look, #662! He's doing a #445 impression!

#662: [applauds] It's very accurate, isn't it?

#445: [blinks] (#662! #118! Yay! I'm save--) [He stops, frowning.] (What the hell am I saying? They can't help me. I have to go find that Valley Girl and demand she return me to my proper form.)

#118: Let's hire him.

#662: Agreed. He's the only one we haven't either scared off or sent to Jenova only knows where with that remote.

[The 'Protect' wears off.]

#445: [slams his hand on the table] (#118, #662, even though I'm fully aware that you're incompetent-- you're my only hope until I can find someone better. We must find Luccia and have her return me to my proper form.)

#118: [blinks and turns to #662] Hey, I just remembered that Serge doesn't talk. Isn't that perfect?

#662: [nods] No whining from him-- unlike #445, who is constantly trying to tell us what to do, even though he is much younger and not as worldly as we are.

#445: [looks from #118 to #662] (I thought surely our shared Sephiroth DNA would enable them to hear me-- but clearly that's not the case. Hmm, come to think of it, none of the others have ever heard the Great Master speak to them. Perhaps I am the only one with this talent!) [He frowns, contemplating this]

#662: Why is he looking at us like that? Do you think he's going to refuse to be our Main Protagonist/Current Party Leader? What if he learned of the mortal perils that await him on our journey to gain bail money for your furry pimp?

#118: Do you seriously think I was honestly going to get Moomba#5 freed?

#445: [shakes out of his daze] (What's that? Moomba#5 is in jail? You let the feds get my bestest and only friend?)

#662: But #445 is awful fond of his pet. If we let the evolved Red XIII rot in jail, then it will distress #445.

#445: (I knew you guys really did love me.)

#118: You're being awfully considerate of #445's feelings.

#662: Yeah, I'm _really_ craving those pancakes.

#445: [falls over and then gets back up to smack the table again] (Is that all I am to you guys? Someone to cook you pancakes?)

#662: [looks at #445] Serge is really excited about something.

#118: Well, clearly he heard us talking and wants us to know he _does_ want the job.

#445: (When is someone going to tell me who the hell 'Serge' is?) [pauses] (Hey, I lost my text box. Awwww...) [looks sad]

#118: [to #662] Well, now what's the matter with him?

#662: [looks down at the cookie in his hand] Hey, I bet I know what it is. He really wants this cookie! That's probably why he attacked us.

#118: You think so? Yet another thing he shares with #445. Strange. [she pauses] You remember that time we told him that we 'left behind' a bag in Hojo's lab?

#662: [snickers] Yeah, that was funny. Him running around looking for it while that tentacle beast tried to eat his spleen! HA HA HA!

#445: (You mean there weren't any Mako Chip Cookies in there? Are you really so cruel as to laugh at a tentacle whipping on my expense?)

#118: Ah, this nostalgia has left me feeling overly generous. Let's give the little protagonist the cookie, #662.

#662: [in an ominous tone] But don't you remember what I said Mako did to the Serge clones?

#118: Does it matter? We were going to feed the 'Hero' to your goldfish once we found #445 anyway. Then we don't have to pay them.

#662: Ha ha ha! Excellent! My goldfish would love to chew on the tender flesh of this little protagonist! Ha Ha Ha!

#445: [gulps]

#662: [pauses] I mean... uh... Have a cookie! [gives #445 the cookie]

#445: [looks at him, doubtful] (Do you really think you can buy me off with-- Hey, is that Mako Chip?) [grabs the cookie from #662 and stuffs the entire thing in his mouth.]

#118: [gushes] KAWAII! Oh, it's like we have #445 back already!

#662: [stands, adjusting his fig leaf] All right then. We've now got ourselves a Main Protagonist, now all we have to do is begin our quest to-- [he stops] What was our quest again?

#118: To plan the Ultimate Reunion!

#445: (Wasn't it to go on a quest to find me and along the way fight lots of random monsters, thus earning money to pay Moomba#5's legal fees? Not mention, I'd like to find this Luccia lady and ask her nicely if she'll turn me back into a Sephiroth Clone.)

#662: No, I'm pretty sure it wasn't to plan the ultimate reunion... it was to look for someone or something.

#118: Ah, but doesn't planning the ultimate reunion sound like more fun?

#662: You're right it does. Let's do that instead.

#445: [facefaults]

#118: Oh, don't be that way, Serge. Reunions are lots of fun! All of the Sephiroth Clones gather together to share stories of how we've spread the message of our Great Master's teachings. It's also a place where we can support our less well-crafted brethren, by letting them know that even if they have three arms, we still think of them as family.

#662: [nods] That's right.

#445: (Looks like I'm going to have to do everything myself-- again.)

- - -

> Start FMV

Heero Yui pulls a gun on the camera. "I will destroy you," he intones, holding the gun on the camera, expression stoic and unchanging.

This continues for about five minutes.

> End FMV

- - -

- - -