THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT:
The Director’s Cut
Act One: "Focus on
ME, I'M the STAR!"
Disclaimer: "The Blair Witch Project"
is a legitimate movie and this is an illegitimate parody of it. This
story is neither endorsed nor known of by "The Blair Witch Project" creators.
This story is not to be used to get money or we will all be sued.
FFVII characters are copyright of Squaresoft. Sephy Clones #118 and
#445 are copyright of me. #662 was created by WB. Those of
you who've read "Final Fantasy 7: The Director's Cut" know what to expect.
As for those of you that haven't...why the hell haven't you read it?
As always, artistic license ran
wild in the writing of this fic; those of you with weak stomachs, heart
problems, anal-retentive tendencies, and no sense of humor should not read
this fic. Those with motion sickness should not see the movie.
Just think, now you can watch a motion picture that's the equivalent of
a bad home movie in your own home! What a concept! Jeez, save
your money and just read this bad home made fic instead.
Warning: Spoilers? Yeah most likely. I mean...I'm going to assume you've at least heard of both "TBWP" and "FF7" at least in passing.
Ahem...
[A camera turns on and the screen
fills with the view of...nothing. The screen is completely black.]
Voice 1: This button, #118?
Voice 2: You idiot! You left
the lens cap on! [The sound of someone being hit with a clipboard
is heard as the lens cap is removed.]
[Badly created opening credit graphics read: "The Blair Witch Project: The Director's Cut". Switching to script-story format. The scene opens to show Sephiroth Clones #118 [in all her feminine vanity], #662 [in a trench coat] and #445 [wearing black jeans and a black T-shirt, and holding a camcorder.] standing in the bar in the basement of the Icicle hotel.]
#118: Okay, here's the deal.
We've come up to the nearby town of Icicle to talk to the folks about the
legendary Northern Crater Jenova. Legend has it that the Jenova haunts
the Northern Crater a few miles from this town.
#445: Um, #118? Northern Crater
is more than just a few miles from Icicle.
#118: Quiet, DARLING. Just
because I LOVE you doesn't mean you can interrupt me.
#445: GAAA!! WHEN ARE YOU
EVER GOING TO LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU FREAK?!!
#662: Why do I have to wear
clothes again?
#118: Shut up, #662. Now,
we're going to introduce ourselves to the camera. I'll go first.
Focus on my beautiful self, Cutie.
[#445 shudders and turns on the
camcorder.]
#118: [preens and poses] Hello,
I am Sephiroth Clone #118, but my close friends call me Sophiaroth.
#445: What close friends?
#662: Yeah, you just made that up.
#118: [glares at them evilly] It
was my idea to make this documentary, so naturally I'll be the star of
it, so anytime you think I'm hogging the camera just remember I'm the STAR!
[She makes a dramatic gesture, dramatically of course] Oh, sure, there's
these other two guys with me, but I'm the STAR. No one really cares
what happens to those guys. They suck, trust me. Now give me
the camera, lover, and I'll hold it for you.
[#445 hesitantly hands over the
camera] Are you sure you can do your introduction on your own, darling?
I could hold your hand if it would make you feel all better.
#445: GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!
[realizes the camera is on, and running] Um, I mean...hi, I'm Sephiroth
Clone #445. I'm...um, well I look the youngest of the Sephiroth clones,
but that's because I was aged normally and allowed to grow up just like
the Master. #118 and #662 here are only as old as I am if you combine
their ages. [#118 and #662 glare evilly at him, and he gulps.]
Anyway, I'm constantly being picked on by my stupid siblings and hit over
the head with random objects. And every once in a while the world
does this flashy thing and-- [cue flashy screen effect that occurs whenever
Cloud gets possessed by Spirit-Sephy. Note, #445 is now possessed
by Sephiroth and we will call him thus.]
#118: We only have SO much tape,
#445, hurry up and stop hogging the camera time. I'm the STAR; it's
all about ME.
Sephiroth: Hey, I don't recall giving
you permission to photograph me. Turn off that camera and get back
to finding the Black Materia.
#662: #445 is pretending to be the
Master again!
#118: I know how to fix that.
[She grabs #445 and passionately embraces him] Oh my darling, #445!
I love you more than Aeris ever will be able to!
Sephiroth: LET GO! LET GO!
AAAAAAAHHHH!! GET IT OFF ME!!!!! [he goes very still suddenly
and #445 becomes unpossessed, depossessed...something whatever.]
#118: [drops him.] Now hold
the camera while I talk about why we're here and what we're going to do.
#662: Hey!
#118: What?
#662: Don't I get a chance to show
off my fig leaf?
#118: No. I'm the STAR; it's
all about ME. Are YOU the STAR?
#662: But #445 got to ramble on
and on. I just want to show off my nice fig leaf.
#118: #445 used up your time as
well. We only have SO much tape.
#662: [glares at #445 and hits him
upside the head with the blunt edge of his Masamune] Stupid #445!
I REALLY wanted to show off my new fig leaf!
#445: Ow! [rubs his head]
#118: Okay, now hold the camera
steady, #445...[sees he's set the camera down so he can rub his head]
#445! PICK UP THAT DAMN CAMERA AND FILM MY BEAUTY AT ONCE!
#445: [gulps and picks up the camera]
Okay, okay, just don't touch me!
#118: As I was saying, we've come
to the nearby town of Icicle to talk to the people here about the Northern
Crater Jenova. [Starts walking away] Let's talk to some of
the people in the bar...[turns and glares at the other two] FOLLOW
ME WITH THE CAMERA, STUPID!
#445: PMS maybe. You think,
#662?
#662: Let's just get this over with.
Cloud only gave me two days off to do this. We're starting our second
tour of "How The World Was Saved" after that.
#445: Oh, yeah, how's that Kabuki
thing going?
#662: It would be better if Cloud
and Rufus would stop trying to jump my ass.
#445: Oh. [they follow #118
in silence for a few seconds] Hey, #662?
#662: Yes?
#445: When you say "jump my ass"...um,
what exactly do you mean by that?
#118: HEY ENOUGH! I AM the
STAR HERE! FOCUS on ME!
[They go into the bar where several
low-life scum sit drinking, and some people who are not into snowboarding
are there too.]
#118: ahem [walks up to a fellow
brooding in the corner. He's dressed in a red cloak with a dark shirt
and pants. The golden claw that serves as his left hand gleams in
the dim bar lighting.] Excuse me, sir, but do you know about the Northern
Crater Jenova?
Man: ...
#445: Hey, you look familiar.
Man: ...
#445: Vincent Valentine! It
IS you!
#118: AHEM! I AM THE STAR!
FOCUS ON ME!
Vincent: [bishounen equivalent of
a sweatdrop] Hello, Sephiroth. What are you doing up here?
Problems with Aeris, perhaps?
#445: No, my stupid siblings bound
and gagged me, and then dragged me up here.
Vincent: [bishounen equivalent of
a sweatdrop] You mean they kidnapped you.
#445: Gosh, no, Vincent. Kidnapping
is what total strangers do. This is a family trip.
Vincent: ...Right.
#118: [shoves #445 aside] Focus
on ME. I'M the STAR. [#445 gets up off the floor as #662 turns
on another camera] Okay, what’s your name again?
Vincent: He just told you.
#118: Look, Mr. Gothic Lover, just
answer the question. [she sits in his lap] Now what is your
name?
Vincent: Kindly remove yourself
from my lap, Miss.
#118: [giggles] My what a long and
unusual name! Okay, Mr. Kindly-remove-yourself-from-my-lap-miss,
do you know about the Northern Crater Jenova?
Vincent: Yes. I was at the
party when her body fell in the fissure and then Sephiroth dropped-kicked
her head in after it. You were too.
#118: Silly Bishounen! Tell
us what you know of the legend of the Northern Crater Jenova.
Vincent: I believe someone forgot
to give me a script. [#662 hands him a sheet of paper. Vincent
looks at it.] You want me to say THIS? [#118 nods enthusiastically]
Okay. Fine. Ahem, [reads] "well, the Jenova is a great mystery
in these parts. But I can tell you a story of someone who went up in them
snowy parts, and returned a changed sole." You spelled soul incorrectly.
"See the one day this Professor, he came to study that there Jenova and
he goes up into the woods and he stays in this here cabin thingie.
And he stays up there for a heluva long time, ya see. And some people
they went missing from town right? And then the Professor he comes
down from the snowy woods place and he says: 'I'm done here okay.'
And then some people go up to the cabin thingie and they see all these
bodies in these mako tube things." [Vincent stop and turns the page
over.] "And these people were all getting Jenova cells stuck in them,
see. So he'd stick one sorry bastard in the corner while he shoved
the other in the tube. He said he didn't like 'em watching him."
#118: [nodding and trying to look
understanding] I see, and what did this have to do with the Jenova?
Vincent: [reads] "He said Jenova
made him do it".
#118: Fascinating. And for
the record, who are you, sir?
Vincent: [reads] "The Old Man Guy
who Tells the Story Thus Setting up the Entire Plot".
#118: Fascinating...[glares at #662]
AHEM! Focus on me!
#662: Oh, right. [Takes the
camera off of Vincent.]
#118: Let's see if we can find anyone
else to talk to. [She walks off, and #662 follows her with the camera.
#445 remains behind.]
#445: Um...Vincent?
Vincent: Yes, Sephiroth?
#445: When you said that stuff...I
mean that never really happened, did it?
Vincent: [bishounen equivalent of
a sweatdrop] I was *reading* the script word for word.
#445: Yeah, but #118 isn't creative
enough to come up with that on her own. Did something like that really
happen?
Vincent: [sighs] ...In Nibelheim,
yes. But it wasn't only remotely like that.
#445: But we're in Icicle so we're
safe, right?
Vincent: This a crockumentary.
Of course you're safe. It's all faked.
#445: [breathes a sigh of relief]
Thanks, Vincent, I feel much better knowing that. I'm gonna leave
you to your brooding about my Mom now.
Vincent: Thanks. [stares off
into space] Oh, Lucrecia...
[#445 goes to where #118 and #662
have found another person to 'interview'. The young man has brown
hair, and blue eyes. He is dressed in a white shirt, black pants,
boots and a short black jacket with a white fur collar.]
#118: C'mon, all you have to do
is read the script. It's easy and you'll get to be in a movie.
Guy: Look, I'm already in a 4 disc
game that is sooo much better than the crappy graphics of FFVII.
You guys have no right to even be talking to me.
#445: Hey, FFVII was the greatest
game of all time! It reinvented the RPG in North America, drawing
out of the category that it once shared with Trekkies and Star Wars fans!
[Cue the flashy screen effect, and #445 is now repossessed.]
Guy: Yes, and I am Squall Leonhart
of FFVIII. My computer-generated FMV are cutting edge, like high
quality motion pictures, and my presentation on the screen is one of realism.
When my party follows me, they actually follow me, they don't disappear
inside of me. And my world map is a featured as a globe.
Sephiroth: Yeah, well, you know
what?
Squall: What?
Sephiroth: Look at you, you dress
like a girl! You're so pathetically like Cloud in the absolute lack
of human compassion department that it's sickening. Your villain
is such a complete copy of myself, right down to how he wears a trench
coat and is being puppeted around by some bitch with the desire to destroy/control
the world.
Squall: Stop! You'll disclose
to the world that I am a big phony!
Sephiroth: And, your special moves
are complete crap. Who wants to have to wait till they're almost
dead to access their limit break? Plus, the junction system is way
too complicated for its own good. You can't use magic, GF, draw *and*
item. If you don't have item you have no access to Phoenix downs
and potions during battles, and if you don't have magic you can't use your
stocked spells. And you know what else? Who cares if you're
not super-deformed, you still don't have a mouth! Ha ha ha, you suck,
Squall.
Squall: That's it. I am going
to kick your ass for that. [Squall pulls out his gunblade]
Prepare to meet your maker.
Sephiroth: I already did, and I
killed that Hojo bastard. [Masamune appears in his hand] Bring it
on, you cross-dresser. Ha ha ha, maybe you should join Cloud in his
Kabuki troupe.
Squall: You are so dead! I
will draw some magic from you and...hey, why can't I draw any magic from
you?
Sephiroth: Because I'm from FFVII,
you moron. Now, behold the power of the One-Winged Angel. Pale
Horse!
[Squall is hit with every status
effect in the book]
Squall: Ah! Because I cannot
have accessories I could not equip myself with a Ribbon to protect against
that attack.
Sephiroth: Fallen Angel!
Squall: Ahh! This has hit
me like a 'Soul Crush' hit Laguna in those dreams I have. I am barely
left alive...but at least now I can access my special move. Prepare
for Renzokuken!
Sephiroth: Eat Masamune, you wannabe!
[He spears Squall with Masamune in a way traditionally seen at the end
of disc one in the Forgotten Capital.]
Squall: In the end...I am nothing...
Sephiroth: Yeah, because you're
such a loner that you couldn't even bother to bring your friends here to
help you out. Sucker! Tell *your* maker that FFVII will never
be forgotten!
#118: As great as it is that you
defending the honor of FFVII, #445, YOU KILLED MY INTERVIEWEE!
Sephiroth: I told you to stop making
this stupid movie and go and find the Black Materia for me.
#662: Give it up, #445, *you're*
not fooling anyone. We know that you're just pretending to be possessed
by the Master for attention.
#118: [grabs Sephiroth by the collar]
YOU HAD BETTER BRING MY INTERVIEWEE BACK TO LIFE RIGHT NOW, #445!!
Sephiroth: [gulps, as there is truly
nothing scarier that #118. Oh, others may try, but her scare factor
far exceeds even that of Jenova] Yes, ma'am. [waves a hand over Squall's
cooling body.] Life 2!
Squall: [gets up and sees that he
is completely healed] This is just like in FFVIII when--
#118: SHUT UP ABOUT STUPID FFVIII!
[Everyone in the bar stares at her.
Then the rest of the patrons go back to drinking or brooding or swapping
stories of near-miss encounters with falling from the chair lift.
Whatever, ya know, they happen to have been doing.]
Sephiroth: This is too much.
I am so out of here. [cue flashy screen effect, and #445 is now depossessed.]
#118: [eyes burning with rage]
LISTEN UP YOU STUPID MEN! All I want is to make my movie and become
famous. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT FFVIII, OKAY?
Squall: [nods] Hey, I'm anti-social,
but I'm not suicidal. I'll keep it zipped.
#445: Wow, #118's evolving!
She's becoming a whole new pokemon species!
[They stare at #445]
#445: Well, isn't she?
#118: I am NOT finished yelling
at you for killing my interviewee, #445...
#445: Kill? What?
#118: [left eye convulsing] Don't
play games with me, DARLING, you PaleHorseFallenAngelMasamuneDeathStabbed
my interviewee Squawk here and then I had to force you to bring him back
to life.
#445: I wouldn't do something like
that. [looks down at the bloody masamune in his hand] Hey,
kewl! They let me have one these things at last! Sweet!
Now I can roast marshmallows over the campfire without having to waste
half the night looking for a roasting stick.
#118: ...#662, could you?
#662: Oh, right. [he grabs
the Masamune and hits #445 upside the head with the blunt edge].
Kids shouldn't play with sharp objects, #445.
Squall: Hey wait a minute, you're
butt *NAKED* under that trench-coat!
#662: Don't be silly, I have my
fig leaf.
#118: Don't tell me you looked under
his trench-coat! [her eyes begin to tear] Oh no! Say it isn't
so! Tell me you don't really enjoy looking under naked men's trench-coats...
Squall: Now hang on a minute...I
didn't...
#445: Hey, Squawk, it's okay.
#118 is just upset that she can't...succumb you-
#118: That's 'SEDUCE', #445.
The word is 'SEDUCE'. Men 'SUCCUMB' to me when I 'SEDUCE' them.
Understand?
#445: Right, okay. Seduce.
I got it. Squawk, #118 is just upset that she can't SEDUCE you.
But Cloud says it's okay to be gay and you should show your sexuality with
pride. You can even join his Kabuki troupe if you want. They
got a really good review in the Wutai Times.
Squall: I'm NOT gay, and my name
is SQUALL.
#445: It's okay. You can still
join the Kabuki troupe. #662 isn't gay and he belongs to it.
And Rufus told me once that very few Kabuki players are gay, just him and
Cloud mostly. He says that's why their troupe is named "The Pretty
in Pink Lotus Blossoms" instead of something like "Cloud and Rufus's Kabuki
Troupe".
Squall: ...
#445: Hey you do that pretty well.
Do you know Vincent Valentine? He does that silence thing too.
Maybe you should meet him.
Squall: ......
#445: Seems to me one of the Turks
does it really well too.
Squall: ......
#118: #662, hit him again.
HARDER this time.
#662: Right-oh. [he does hit
#445 again. HARDER this time.]