Swift Demon Productions Presents is damn proud to present:
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT: The Director’s Cut
Act Two: The Merry Adventures of Sephiroth and Moomba#5
Disclaimer: "The Blair Witch Project" is a legitimate movie and this
is an illegitimate parody of it. This story is neither endorsed nor
known of by "The Blair Witch Project" creators. This story is not
to be used to get money or we will all be sued and I can't afford the legal
fees. FFVII characters are copyright of Squaresoft. Sephy
Clones #118 and #445 are copyright of me. #662 was created by WB.
As always, artistic license ran wild in the writing of this fic; those
of you with weak stomachs, heart problems, anal-retentive tendencies, and
no sense of humor should not read this fic. Those with motion sickness
should not see the movie. Those other characters that appear in the
fic because I had the sudden urge to toss them in are owned by their respective
pimps.
Warning: Profanity and violence ahead. Spoilers too? Yeah most likely. I mean...I'm going to assume you've at least heard of both "TBWP" and "FF7" at least in passing. Read Act One for full details of what's happened so far.
[The scene opens to show Sephiroth #118, #445, and #662
standing outside the Icicle Inn.
#662 is still wearing the over-coat and has added a pair
of earmuffs to his ensemble. #118 has changed into a black leather
jump-suit and short leather jacket. She's sporting a scarf with little
butterflies on it, and a matching pair of fuzzy mittens. #445 is
decked out like the Great Master would be, complete with armored shoulder
pads, but has opted to wear a black turtle-neck instead of walking around
shirtless. He's...brooding (bishounens do not pout) off to the side
as #662 loads supplies on to some snowmobiles (no, we don't know where
they got them from nor do we know why you couldn't get snowmobiles in the
game). #118 is still talking to Squall Leonhart (not to be confused
with Squall Evans, Improfanfic writer).]
#118: I'm soooo sorry about #445 killing you...AGAIN.
He just gets like this sometimes.
Squall: ...Whatever.
#118: At least he still had enough MP to cast another
Life 2 spell. [she puts an fuzzy-mitted hand on Squall's arm.]
He's starved for attention, you see, and he just gets soooo jealous when
I talk to other men. It makes him feel threatened.
Squall: ......
#445: [glares at #662] I demand you cease your
present actions, and come before me.
#662: Say what?
#445: [searches for the more comprehensive way to say
what he means] Get your ass over here.
#662: Hey, now just a sec, #445, I don't put with that
crap from Cloud and I'm not going to take it from you.
Voice: That's right man, you lay that smack down! Yo!
[#662 and #445 look over to see a creature that kinda
resembles Red XIII but less threatening and more cute. It's standing
on its hind legs.]
#445: Who are you, mortal, and how dare you show such
a lack of respect for me? Do you not know who I am?
Creature: No, bitch, I don', yo.
#445: I am Sephiroth, the One-Winged Angel.
Creature: Never heard of you, yo.
#662: Ignore #445, he's in a bad mood, and he's pretending
to be the Master again.
Creature: Crazy messed up, foo', yo.
#445: [Who we have reason to believe is once again being
possessed by Sephiroth glares at the creature] Who are you to call me a
fool?
Creature: I'm Moomba #5, yo, the smoothest playah in
the known world, yo. Ain't you nevah heard my song, bitch?
#445 (or is it Sephiroth?): No.
Moomba#5: Well, bitch, it goes like this, see.
"Yo, yo, a little bit of Selphie is f*ckin sweet, a little bit of Quistis
can't be beat, a little bit of Riona is coo, I love gettin' with the sweet
bitches like you." See, yo? I call it "Moomba#5's Little Black
Book" cuz it mentions all my bitches from around the f*ckin world.
Sephiroth(let's just call him thus, it's easier): What
the hell ARE you?
Moomba#5: Shit, foo, I told ya. I'm a MOOMBA.
#662: Is that Red XIII thing a Moomba?
Moomba#5: Hey, shut ya trap, hoe. Don't you go
comparin my fine self to that FF7 hasbeen, yo!
Sephiroth: In case you failed to notice, this is the
FF7 world.
Moomba#5: Shit, you trippin?! Think of all those
polygon bitches I can go after. Yo yo yo, "a little bit of Tifa is
f*cking sweet, a little bit of Yuffie can't be beat, a little bit of Aeris
is coo, I'm gonna get with all the FF7 bitches too!"
Sephiroth: You will do no such thing. [he snaps
his fingers and Masamune appears.]
Moomba#5: Whoa, boy, you got yerself one big sword there.
You making up for something else?
#662: Nope, we don't have to. [he starts untying
his over-coat's belt] Would you like to see my fig leaf?
Moomba#5: What?! What kinda crazy shit is this?
Sephiroth: He can't even be bothered to symbol out his
curse words like Cid does. Rude beast.
Moomba#5: [sees Squall] Shit, bitches, I gotta go into
my act, yo. We'll settle this later.
[Moomba#5 drops to all fours and walks over to where
Squall is standing.] Laguna! Laguna!
Squall: (...damn, it's one of those too cute moomba things.)
(...damn, it's got a cigarette. I want a cigarette.)
(...damn, that #118 is one fine looking woman. I wonder what she
looks like naked.)
(...damn, that #445 is one fine looking guy. I wonder if he's spoken
for.)
(...damn, how does that #662 keep his fig leaf in place?)
#118: Um, Squall? The weird lion thing looks like
it's about to start humping your leg...
Squall: Argh! Get it off!
Sephiroth: Ha ha ha!
#662: That's it's "act"?
Sephiroth: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Squall: Get it off! [kicks Moomba#5 off.]
Moomba#5: [stands] Shit, bitch, why you gotta do that?
I'm just playing my part, yo. You could show me some f*cking respect,
yo.
Squall: ...You talk?
Moomba#5: No shit, bitch! Of course I can talk!
Ain't you never heard my song? It's been number one on the music
charts for FIVE weeks, yo!
#662: Hey, #118, don't we have to get out onto the snowy-plains
to start searching for that um...Jenova?
Moomba#5: Hey, hoe, what you doing out here anyway?
Squall: ...SeeD gave me orders to come here and search
for Edea and Seifer.
Sephiroth: More loser FF8 characters? [he smiles
coldly] Excellent. I shall enjoy destroying them as easily as I destroyed
you...twice.
#118: Edea? Seifer?
Squall: The Sorceress Edea and her right-hand man,
Seifer.
Sephiroth: A blatant rip-off of myself.
#118: Oh, wow! The Icicle Witch! Just think
if I can get the Icicle Witch on tap as well as the Northern Crater Jenova
I'll be FAMOUS!
#662: Don't you mean, "we'll" be famous?
#118: [grabs Squall] You WILL come with US and lead US
to this witch!
Squall: (Go with them.)
(Say no to drugs.)
(Battle it out.)
(Ask #662 what he uses to keep his fig leaf in place.)
#118: [tosses Squall on the back of one of the snowmobiles,
and #662 gets on the other one.] Let's go!
Sephiroth: Are you leaving me here with this...furry
pimp?
#118: This is what you get for being such a pain in the
ass, #445. [She and #662 drive off.]
Sephiroth: They...abandoned me. [he blinks] I am
the Great Sephiroth! No one abandons me unless I give them permission
to, especially not my own clones. [he grips Masamune] They
shall pay for their insubordination.
Moomba#5: Shit! Those crazy f*cks took my prize
hoe! I wasn't done beatin my cut of the profits out of him, yo!
Sephiroth: It appears...that for the moment our enemies
are the same. As much as it disgusts me to lower myself to the standards
of you quaint FF8 characters, I suggest we form a brief and completely
temporary partnership. We shall seek vengeance together.
Moomba#5: I don't like you, ya crazy hoe, but I'll work
with you, yo. Seeing how you know this place better than me, yo.
But any fine bitches we come across are mine, yo?
Sephiroth: ...We'll discuss how we divide up any prisoners
upon their capture.
Moomba#5: Shit! You want a cut of my action, yo?
Well, you go get your own street corner, yo, cuz I got territorial rights
to this one, yo!
Sephiroth: Silence! [A little speech bubble with
a "...." appears above Moomba#5's head]
Moomba#5: ......! ....? .... !!!! [translation:
"Shit, yo! What you just do, bitch? I can't f*cking talk anymore,
you crazy mutha!"]
Sephiroth: Ah, much better. Now, let us proceed
forward.
[At this point a whole buncha crap footage of the characters walking around and driving snowmobiles was cut out because let's face it, no one wants to watch 3 idiots walk around in the woods and argue over how to get back to the car.]
[#118, #662, and Squall have settled down for the night,
with just the one tent. #662 has used a Fire Materia to get a little
campfire going, and has proceeded to dig through the packs to look for
some food.]
Squall: So...who did you draw the Fire spell from?
#118: Look, Squall, we've explained this. We don't
use your crappy draw system. We have materia. It lets us cast
a variety of spells and not have to be dependant on collecting whatever's
available at the time.
#662: Man, #445 sure packed some weird stuff.
#118: Oh, like what?
#662: [gestures to the stuff on the ground] Marshmallows,
graham crackers, Hershey bars, and look at this! [he holds
up a plushie] He's got an Aeris dollie! [#662 laughs] Man,
isn't that cute? Those two crazy kids must really be in love.
#118: [growls and clenches her fists] SHUT UP!
AERIS WILL NEVER LOVE #445 AS MUCH AS I DO! NEVER!
Squall: ...touchy.
#662: [looks at the plushie] I bet Aeris made this for
him, herself. Wow, look at the care and love she put into it.
This is a really good quality plushie. They don't make plushie like
this in mass-produced plushie releases.
#118: GIVE ME THAT STUPID PLUSHIE! [she grabs it
from #662 and tosses it into the fire]. Ha, let that be a lesson
to you, Aeris! NO ONE takes #445 from ME! NO ONE!
Squall: ...is she like this often?
#662: Only when #445 is involved.
Squall: Suddenly that whole delusion thing he does makes
sense.
#662: Hey, if I was #445 I'd be trying to escape reality
when #118 was around, too.
Squall: ...yeah.
#662: Wanna make s'mores?
Squall: ...whatever.
#662: Know what? I bet your gunsword would be perfect
for cooking the s'mores.
Squall: ...it's a gunblade.
#662: Just shut up and gimme it.
Squall: Okay...whatever.
[Meanwhile (in some place that none of our protagonists are) people were plotting! It's a good thing that this really isn't a movie that only follows three morons on their trek in circles through the woods of Maryland, or we wouldn't be able to listen in on this important plotting session.]
[Around a table several black-cloaked figures sit.
Jenova's body sits in a chair to the right side of the head of the table.
Her head rest in a coffee pot on the table in front of her. On the
left side of the head of the table sits a young man in a gray trench coat,
and black shirt and pants. He has a butch-army-psycho hair cut, and
a scar across his forehead. He must be some kind of religious nut
because there's crosses on the sleeves of his coat, and something that
might pass for one at the collar of his shirt. At the head of the table
sits a woman in a tight black gown, with fur trimming the low-cut neck.
She had tucked-up black hair, and golden eyes with purple eyeshadow.
She'd be pretty if it weren't for the really odd horn thing growing out
of the one side of her head.]
Jenova: All right, I call this meeting to order.
Who has a status report? [one black-cloaked figure rasies its hand]
Yes, #007, what is it?
#007: I'd like to report on my progress in the Magical
Trouble Shooting Crossover Fighting Federation Ultra.
Jenova: Yes, go on.
#007: Unfortunately, I can't. You see...I haven't
made any progress. I'm not closer to gaining the Godhead. In
fact, I'm further away from it.
Jenova: [frowns] I just had to listen to Hojo.
I said "let's send in #009, he's got more potential", but no, Hojo says,
"it's best to send in #007, he'll be more appealing to the crowds".
Note to self: Hojo is a f*cking idiot. Does anyone else have anything
to report? [another figure raises its hand.] Yes, #122?
#122: The "Final Fantasy: Fated" queue has emptied, oh
great Mother. We have successfully stopped that dangerous slander
of our great cause by claiming the existence of a "good" clone.
Jenova: Excellent, #122. This is what I like to
hear. Anyone else? [One clone shakily raises its hand.]
Yes, #229?
#229: I was just wondering it if was true that there's
a good clone named Gabriel that wants to stop us.
Jenova: [sweatdrops] Um, no, of course there isn't a
good clone named Gabriel that wants to stop us. Don't be absurd.
Ha ha ha, what a silly thing to suggest, #229. Moving along, I'd
like to introduce you all to Sorceress Edea and her puppet, er partner,
Seifer Almasty. [Several of the clones stand up in alarm]
#122: [pointing] Oh, Great Mother, those are FF8 characters!
Jenova: Yeah, so?
#229: You told us that FF8 characters were the scourge
of our existence, the metaphorical thorn in our sides...
Jenova: Yeah, I thought they sucked ass too, at first.
But Edea and I have so much in common. So I've decided to team up
with her. She's going to help us crash the giant bowling ball into
the Planet.
#007: Excuse me, oh Great Mother, but isn't it a Giant
Meteor?
Jenova: No, it is not, #007. We tried the Giant
Meteor once before and that didn't work, now did it?
#007: No, Great Mother, it didn't.
Jenova: So we're trying something a little different
this time.
#007: Oh, how very wise of you, Great Mother! Your
wisdom-
Jenvoa: Shut up, and stop trying to butter me up to cover
your own ass. Since you clones are in such short supply I'm not going
to so wasteful as to kill you for a couple stupid comments.
#007: Oh, thank you, Great Mother. Your pardon
shows your benevolent nature in a most beautiful light.
Jenova: You really are a complete wuss. I can't
believe those Ultra jerks haven't killed you by now.
#007: Oh, there are rules to prevent that, Great Mother.
Jenova: [glare] Someone should make an exception.
[Another black-cloaked figure runs in. Jenova glares at it.]
You're late.
Clone: Forgive me, Great Mother, but I just thought you
should know that I've seen two of our disowned brethren out in the snowy
plains with a FF8 character!
Jenova: What?! Which ones?
Clone: #118 and #662. That bastard, #445, who betrayed
us all and dared to claim to be the chosen avatar of that dissenter, Sephiro-
Jenova: YOU WILL NOT SPEAK THAT NAME IN MY PRESCENE.
There is no Sephiroth. There has never been a Sephiroth.
#229: If there isn't...then who are we clones of?
Jenova: I've had just about enough of your smart-ass
attitude, #229. [she turns back to the newcomer.] Which one are you,
anyway?
Clone: #666.
Jenova: [nods] Ah, I see. Had trouble finding the
Crater again, did we?
#666: ...the FF8 character with #118 and #662 was Squall
Leonhart.
Edea: Shit. Now we're in trouble.
Jenova: Why?
Edea: He bares the great powers of apathy.
Jenova: What?! "The Powers of Apathy"? What
the hell is that?
Edea: Legend tells of the great apathetic bishounen who
shall become the host for the spirit of the other great bishounen.
Jenova: Meaning?
Edea: Squall is the chosen one. He shall become
the avatar/host for Sephiroth.
Jenova: Shit! Then that ungrateful bastard will
stop my evil plans again!
#229: But, Great Mother, I thought you said that there
was no Sephir-
Jenova: Where's that damn #445? He's always claiming
to be possessed by Sephiroth. If we can find him, we can probably
find out where Sephiroth is.
#229: But you said-
#666: He is currently walking towards them with an unidentifiable
animal.
Jenova: Someone must intercept him.
Edea: Seifer, go and prove that you are not just a blatant
rip-off of Sephiroth.
Seifer: But you said I was.
Edea: Don't question me, puppet!
Seifer: Sorry, Great Mother.
#122: What's he going to do?
Seifer: It's a little known fact that I'm a master of
disguise.
#229: [glares at #666] You.
#666: [glares at #229] Core. So we meet again.
#229: You're going down Synthesis...
Jenova: There will be no inter-clone violence in my presence.
Edea: Seifer, go forth and bring us back #445.
Seifer: Yes, Great Mother.
Jenova: And you other clones, go and capture Squall and
the two renegade clones. If anyone is going to be the avatar for
Sephiroth, then I am going to control them...
#229: But...you said...
Jenova: And someone see how those new clones Hojo is
making are coming along.
[Back to Sephiroth and Moomba#5. They've stopped
to check the map underneath a solitary pine tree.]
Sephiroth: So, to reach the cave where they're resting
we have to head this way for a mile and...[he trails off and looks up.
A guy in a blue and black paid shirt and jeans with a pony tail and a spaced-out
expression has joined them under the tree.] Who the hell are you?
Guy: I'm Josh. Hey...man...have you seen the car?
Sephiroth: Car?
Josh: Yeah, that prick Mike kicked the map into the river
and Heather's such a camera-hogging bitch...so I just decided to go and
find the car on my own. [he peers at Sephiroth] Trippy, man,
you're like dressed like that FF7 guy. You should be careful man,
there's a witch in these woods.
Sephiroth: [looks around and then at the lone pine tree]
What woods?
Josh: The woods outside Blair, Maryland, which are haunted
by the legendary Blair Witch. You better be careful, man, or she'll
get you.
Sephiroth: [annoyed look] I think you're in the
wrong version. [a crash is heard]
Josh: What was that?
Sephiroth: The fourth wall. Screw off, pot-head.
Josh: Man...do you have any cigarettes? Man, I
could really use a f*cking cigarette.
Sephiroth: Go away, mortal, before I cut you into little
pieces, put those pieces in a bundle of sticks, tie it up with strips of
that ugly shirt of yours and leave it outside the tent where your idiot
friends are sleeping.
Josh: Hey, whoa, I think someone's just a little too
into their costume...Sephiroth isn't real, man, that's just a video game.
Sephiroth: I warned you, mortal. [he snaps his
fingers and Masamune appears. He begins to hack at Josh]
Josh: [screams of pain] AHHH! AAAAH! AHHHHH!
AHHH! [Sephiroth takes the pieces off the dead Josh, and puts them
in a bundle of little sticks. Then he ties the bundle up with strips
of Josh's shirt, and magically teleports it to outside a tent in the woods
of Maryland...].
Moomba#5: .... ........... ........
.....! [translation: "So that's what really happened to Josh".]
Sephiroth: Let's go, Moomba#5. We have to reach
those clones.
Voice: Hey, hold it right there!
[Sephiroth turns to see Seifer dressed in an Ash Ketchum
costume.]
Sephiroth: You must be Seifer. I can sense a blatant
rip-off of myself a mile away.
Seifer: No, I'm Ash Ketchum, pokemon trainer. I've
come to challenge Sephiroth #445 to a pokemon battle.
Sephiroth: ...#445 is not here right now. Leave
a message after the beep. BEEP!
Seifer: Gwee hee hee! That's really funny! You're
a funny guy. Let's have a pokemon battle.
Sephiroth: Moomba#5...kill him.
Moomba#5: ..... [translation: "what you talkin
bout you crazy foo', why I gotta do it, yo?"]
Sephiroth: Don't back talk to me, you worthless furry
pimp. Do you doubt the amount of smack I could bitch-slap down upon
your head?
Moomba#5: ... [translation: "shit, yo. You got
a point, yo."]
Seifer: Oh, goody, a pokemon battle! There's nothing
more than I, Ash Ketchum, because that's who I am, Ash Ketchum, not Seifer
Almasty, enjoy more than a pokemon battle.
Sephiroth: If you are Ash Ketchum, shouldn't you have
a pikachu with you?
Seifer: [pulls out a pikachu plushie] Right here!
Pikachu, do that flashy shock thing!
Sephiroth: [raises an eyebrow] Nevermind, Moomba#5,
he is a waste of you time. [He slides Masamune into Seifer.]
Die, you poor imitator of a Pokemon trainer!
Seifer: Ack, but how did you I was a fake?
Sephiroth: I told you, mortal, I can sense a blatant
rip-off of myself a mile away.
Seifer: Then how is it that you...do not know about...Squall?
Sephiroth: What about him?
Seifer: Gwee hee hee! Edea is going to control
him so that when he becomes your avatar she can control you!
Sephiroth: I am no one's puppet. My avatar is #445.
Seifer: Gwee hee hee...that's what you think! [he dies.]
Sephiroth: I must look into this matter more. [he
cringes as someone glomps onto him.]
Voice: Sephy-chan! Oh, here you are!
Sephiroth: [sweatdrop] Aeris?
Aeris: Tee hee hee hee! [she lets go of him.
She's dressed in her usual flower-girl garb, and is sporting a toque, scarf,
and mittens. She's carrying a thermos.] I brought you some
hot chocolate, Sephy-chan! It gets so cold up here, and I wouldn't
want you to catch a cold, so I brought you your scarf and mittens too.
Sephiroth: ...gee...thanks. That was really nice
of you.
Aeris: [her smile so large it must hurt] Why, I wouldn't
want my Sephy-chan to get sick. [she ties the scarf around his neck
and gives him a little kiss on the cheek.] Now, where is that nice
nudist brother and that bad bad nasty wicked evil sister of yours?
Sephiroth: Well, actually, we were just going to go and
kill them.
Aeris: [waggles a finger at him] Sephy-chan!
What have I told you about killing people? You know how it upsets
me when you do that. Zack says you need to learn to work out your
problems some other way.
Sephiroth: [hangs his head] I know...but they just make
me so angry, Aeris. They don't believe that I'm Sephiroth.
They think #445 pretends for attention.
Aeris: Oh, poor Sephy-chan! [she hugs him]
Don't worry, Sephy-chan, I believe you.
Sephiroth: Really? Aeris...you are the only one
who appreciates me. I don't think anyone else wants me around.
Aeris: Oh, poor, poor Sephy-chan! [she sniffles
and hugs him again.] Say...Sephy-chan...could I have my nice little
#445 back now?
Sephiroth: But...I was not done...and I...
Aeris: [makes huge kawaii eyes] Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaseeeeeeee,
Sephy-chan?
Sephiroth: Uh...[smirks evilly] Sure, but only
if I get to carry out my plans of vengeance later.
Aeris: [smiles and giggles, completely having forgotten
telling him that killing people is not the way to deal with your problems]
Okay, Sephy-chan, so long as I get my #445 back!
Moomba#5: ........................;; [translation:
"Okay, this is one FF7 bitch I don't wanna get with...she's too f*cking
crazy".]
[Cue the flashy-screen effect. #445 is now depossessed,
and cleared of all charges.]
#445: Aeris?! Wai! [hugs her]
Aeris: Sephy-chan! [giggles] I was so worried
about you. I though maybe you'd gone off to use the Black Materia
to try and become a god again! Then I found the note you left, so
I packed some hot chocolate and cookies, and your warm clothes and came
up here to find you!
#445: [grinning stupidily] Aw, Aeris, you're the best!
Aeris: Tee hee hee hee! [she takes his hand]
Let's go back to the house and watch some anime, Sephy-chan. It'll
be so much better than freezing up here at this awful place.
#445: Okay!
Moomba#5: Yo, bitch, you stupid, or something?
We gotta check out what this Seifer hoe was bitching about, yo! [he
pauses] Sweet, the F*cking silence status wore off, yo!
Aeris: [gasps] You're a potty mouth! You bad, bad
creature!
Moomba#5: Shit, bitch, yo' crazy mutha boyfriend KILLS
people an' you're callin me evil? How you know he ain't gonna bust
a cap in your lily-white ass while you're asleep, yo?
Aeris: Simple, Sephy-chan, doesn't like guns.
[#118, #662 and Squall are getting into their sleeping
bags. #118 is wearing a nightie that looks like a naughty japanese
school girl's outfit, #662 has fannel shirt and pants pajamas, and Squall
is just in his boxers.]
Squall: Hey, how come you wear pajamas?
#662: Don't be ridiculous. Only a freak would sleep
naked.
Squall: But you walk around with nothing but a fig leaf
on when you're awake...
#662: Do I question your fashion trends? Do I comment
on how you wear a woman's jacket, and a long, dangly necklace?
Squall: ....whatever.
#118: Hey, shut the hell up, you two. I want to
get my beauty sleep.
#662: You need it.
Squall: [snickers]
#118: What was that?
#662: [gulps] Nothing. Good night, #118.
#118: Good night, Squall.
Squall: ...whatever.
[They rest a few moments, and then they begin to hear
noises outside.]
Squall: What the hell was that?
#662: It sounded like someone was walking around outside...
#118: zzzzzzzzzzz.
Squall: I'm scared.
#662: Wuss. Just go back to sleep.
Squall: But what if it's Edea or Jenova come to get us?
#622: Yeah, right, like THAT would ever happen.
[Outside the tent. Several black-cloaked figures
huddled in the shadows.]
#122: You sure about this?
#007: This is what Jenova told us to do...
#229: Let's just get this over with.
#122: Where'd #666 go?
#229: He probably got lost...AGAIN...
#007: Come on, guys, I have another Ultra match to lose
in an hour...let's hurry it up a bit...